Well, I'm obsessed with both ER and West Side Story (among other things.) So I mixed them together!! (You can expect this with my two other obsessions! ) The weird thing is, I never really likes songfics. Oh well, enjoy! I hate Weaver with all my heart, therefore, she's the bad guy! Who else? I know that there are characters here who aren't from the same season, but the characters are from all different seasons. A reunion if you will? Eh, not really.

Weaver: HEY YOU!

Lucy: who me?

Weaver: Yeah you! Didn't you hear me calling?!

Lucy: Why yes, ma'am.

Weaver: Then why didn't you answer me?!

Pratt: Her mother told her never to answer back to anyone.

Weaver: You little wise apple! You want me to fire you?!

Pratt: Why indeed not! Ma'am.

Weaver: (To Pratt) You're mother should be ashamed of you, you delinquent! (To everyone) You're all delinquents! That's why you're so bad at the job! What are you all doing hanging around here for? You've got work!

Pratt: Well, you see, Ma'am, we can't go back in there! It's such a bad environment!

Carter: We don't get no love there. The patients treat us horribly!

Weaver: You better not be here when I get back from my break!

Weaver leaves

Lucy: Gee, she was mad!

Carter: And what happened? A big fat nothing!

Lucy: Yeah, but what if he comes back and we're still here?

Pratt: Then we show 'er what she wants! You see, Weaver hates us! She'll make any excuse to yell at us!

Carter (speaking as Weaver): Hey, you!

Pratt (spoken): Who me, Dr. Weaver?

Carter (spoken as Weaver): Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason firing you, you punk.

Pratt (singing):

Dear kindly Dr. Weaver

Ya gotta understand--

It's just our bringin' up-kere

That gets us outta hand.

Our mothers all were junkies,

Our fathers all were drunks.

Golly Moses -- naturally we're punks.

Pratt, Mark, Doug:

Gee, Dr. Weaver, we're very upset;

We never had the love that every

Child oughta get.

We ain't no delinquents,

We're misunderstood.

Deep down inside us there is good!


There is good!

Pratt, Mark, Doug: There is good, there is good,

There is untapped good.

Like inside, the worse of us is good.

Carter (imitating Weaver): That's a touching good story.

Pratt: Lemme tell it to the world!

Carter (imitating Johnson): Just tell it to Romano!

Pratt (to Doug who's imitating Romano):

Dear kindly Dr. Romano,

My parents treated me rough.

With all their marijuana,

They wouldn't give me a puff.

They didn't wanna have me,

But somehow I was had.

Leapin' lizards --that's what I'm so bad!

Doug (imitating Romano):


Dr. Weaver, you're really a square;

This man don't need chief-of-staff, he

Needs an analyst's care!

It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed--

He's psychologically disturbed.


I'm disturbed!


We're disturbed, we're disturbed,

We're the most disturbed,

Like we're psychologically disturbed.

Doug (speaking as Romano): listen, listen! In the opinion of this hospital, this man is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

Pratt(spoken): Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

Doug (speaking as Romano): So take him to a headshrinker.

Pratt (singing to Lucy who's acting like a 'headshrinker'):

My Daddy beat my Mommy,

My Mommy clobbered me,

My Grandpa was a Commie,

My Grandma did pushed tea.

My sister wears a mustache,

My brother wears a dress.

Goodness Gracious, that's why I'm a mess!

Lucy (as psychiatrist):


Dr. Weaver, he shouldn't be here.

This man don't need a couch, he needs a useful career.

Society's played him a terrible trick,

and sociologically he's sick!

Pratt: I am sick!


We are sick, we are sick,

We are sick, sick, sick

Like we're sociologically sick!

Lucy(speaking as psychiatrist):

In my opinion, this man does not need to have his head shrunk at all. Delinquency is purely a Social disease.

Pratt (spoken): Hey, I got a social disease!

Lucy (speaking as psychiatrist): So take him to a social worker!

Pratt (singing to Luka who's acting as a social worker):

Dear kindly social worker,

They tell me get good at the job,

Like act as the patients to help,

Which means like be a slob.

It's not I'm anti-social,

I'm only anti-work.

Gloryosky, that's why I'm a jerk!

Luka (as social worker):


Dr. Weaver, you must be really tired.

This man don't need a job, he needs to be fired!.

It ain't just a question of misunderstood;

Deep down inside him, at the job he's no good!


I'm no good!


We're no good, we're no good,

We're no earthly good,

Like the best of us is no damn good!

Cleo: The trouble is he's lazy.

Peter: The trouble is he drinks

Abby: The trouble is he's crazy.

Gallant: The trouble is he stinks,

Mark: The trouble is he's growing.

Elizabeth: The trouble is he's grown!


Weaver, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Doctor Weaver,

We're down on our knees.

'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease.

Gee, Dr. Weaver, what are we to do?

Gee, Dr. Weaver