Written by: General Quistis & Zhakeena
Disclaimer: Do you really think we own everything? You know the drill. Suing us will just waste your time.
GQ's Note: This is due to boredom and amazement. Mwahahahahaha! This is just a one-shot, but pretty long for a one-shot… but anyway, I hope it's worth it.
Once upon a time in a world called Gaea (which is according to Advent Children, the name of their Planet), there lived a bad guy named Sephiroth. It happened that after this bad guy's blood was a party of people, whose leader's name was Cloud Strife. Their glorious mission was to rid the world of Sephiroth, so that of course Gaea would be a happy place once again. Moving on
Cloud Strife and his band of merry men had managed to make it far enough to get rid of Sephiroth's minions and the very evil side-enemy, ShinRa. So… they are currently at one of the final stages. Let us watch as Cloud and his chosen party mates, Red XIII and Vincent Valentine, fight Sephiroth.
"Mwahahaha! You think you of all people could beat me, Cloud?"
"Baah! Yes!" Cloud said, attacking head-on. Sephiroth simply dodged the blow. It was very obvious to anyone that Cloud would miss attacking like that, but then they had another plan. Cloud kept on attacking.
As Sephiroth laughed at Cloud's pathetic attempts to damage him, Red XIII was just ending the incantation for a spell. Everyone stopped when Red XIII barked out, "SLEEP!"
Sephiroth's eyes widened as he saw the ray of energy about to hit him. "Yagh!" he yelled as he barely dodged the sleep spell.
The sleep spell headed towards the person a bit far from Sephiroth's behind, Yuffie. She was checking herself out with a compact mirror when she saw the spell coming right at her. "EEEK!" she yelled, blocking the spell with the mirror.
Vincent, who was casting another spell, didn't have the chance to see that the sleep spell was coming towards him. The ray of energy struck him. He jolted a bit before falling on the ground with a "THUD!".
Everybody but Sephiroth held his breath. Vincent broke the silence with a "Snooore…"
"Aw man! Yuffie, why did you direct it to Vincent of all people? You could have let it hit Barret instead!" Cloud said, exasperated.
"I don't know! I wasn't thinking, okay?!" Yuffie squeaked.
"Well… I guess I gotta wake him up," Red XIII said, tapping Vincent with his paw. "Vincent? Wake up…"
Vincent didn't move.
Cloud sighed. "Okay… let me try…" He held the Buster Sword (so he's a bit lazy in upgrading…) with one hand. "Wake up. Hey, Vinny. Wake up," he said, poking Vincent with the end of the blade.
Still, Vincent didn't move.
Cloud frowned. Tifa stood up, concerned. "Here, maybe I can… punch him awake…" she said. She knelt and punched Vincent's face. "Vincent, I'm very sorry for punching you, but please wake up…"
Vincent still didn't move. Even when Yuffie repeatedly slapped his face, when Barret tapped at his head with his gun-arm, even when Cid kicked him at his side over and over again (while screaming profanities at the same time…), Vincent still slept soundly.
Well, maybe because of the repeated beatings he received from his comrades, he passed out. Anyway, he still was lying down on the ground, unconscious.
Sephiroth was watching in amazement and curiosity while they were busily trying to wake up the sleeping Vincent, but after a while, he felt annoyed at the fact that nobody was paying any attention to him anymore. He felt so… rejected… and neglected… Realizing this, he impatiently stomped his foot. "#$% it! What about me?!" he demanded.
Only Tifa turned around to look at him and smiled. "Could you wait just a sec? It's not a fair fight if Vinny remains asleep, don't you think?"
Sephiroth frowned. "You're fighting to stop the Planet from being demolished… I'm surprised you still want a fair fight…" he mumbled grumpily.
After another minute of watching Cloud and Barret trying to stop Cid Highwind from killing Vincent 'just to &%ing wake him up,' Sephiroth decided to give them 5 more seconds before he ignores the rules of ATB's and just slice their heads off at the same time. "5… 4… 3… 2…" he yelled, trying to give his enemies a hint.
Nobody turned to look at him.
Sephiroth growled and stomped his way towards them. "Oh, all right, I'll help you wake that guy up!!!" he yelled.
Everybody in the Cloud Party turned to him with bewildered faces. "Uh… you're not gonna use your Masamune, are you?..." Cloud asked.
"Well… seeing as my goal is to kill you all off anyway, I guess I will…" Sephiroth grumbled. "I'm surprised you even asked, Cloud…"
"You %#!!! You have to wait your turn before you could use that thing! Don't ya know how ta use the ATB system?!" Cid yelled.
"Well, all of you guys are on the battlefield trying to wake him up! That isn't in the darn rules!!!" Sephiroth yelled, annoyed.
"If you wanna fight again, Sephiroth, you should help us wake Vinny up without killing him! It's that simple," Yuffie chimed.
"Oh that's so easy!" Sephiroth said slyly at her before he walked going to them and then grabbed Vincent away from Cloud who was on his way to hit the sleeping man's head with the handle of his sword. Watching curiously as Sephiroth held Vincent by his shoulders, Red XIII began to look away.
Tifa noticed his sudden action and wondered, but did not say anything more, but to her total shock, the moment she turned back to Sephiroth and Vincent, she saw the former already leaning his face down onto the latter's.
"OH MY GAWD!!!" Yuffie exclaimed.
"Huh?" Cloud was totally clueless.
"YA FOO'!!!" Barret instantly grabbed Vincent away from Sephiroth. "No, no, no, no, no! Ya ain't goin' ta kiss Vincent, ya effin' fag!" he growled angrily.
"That's how it works, you big fat bear! Haven't you ever read Sleeping Beauty to your kid before?" Sephiroth said, annoyed that his shining moment was disrupted.
"But… Sleeping Beauty is a girl…" Tifa weakly reasoned out.
"And last we checked, Vincent's a boy," Red XIII added.
"Hah. That's what you think. I guess you don't know how much Hojo likes to experiment on his specimen," Sephiroth said airily.
"Hey, let's check it out!" Cloud said.
"NO!" Yuffie and Tifa exclaimed in unison, not wanting to see Vincent's thing.
"Well how the hell are we going to know if Sephiroth's telling the truth!?" he demanded.
"You can just… try feeling it. Y'know…" Red XIII suggested rather embarrassingly.
"I'll do it!" Sephiroth volunteered.
"Oh ya #$%!!!!!" Cid snapped unbelievably. "Do you have a friggin' crush on him?!"
He replied by smiling slyly.
"YUCK!" Tifa snapped in shock. "And to think I had a big crush on you before?!" she yelled in annoyance.
Cloud blinked. "You did?" he asked.
"Why? You thought it was Zack? It's so unfair!" Tifa sneered before crossing her arms.
Sephiroth flipped his hair before approaching Tifa and patted her shoulders lightly, "I'm sorry, Tifa, but I love someone else… and she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen… with long jet-black hair… and six feet tall…" he began to describe the girl of his dreams, but Tifa cut him off by saying, "Vincent is a bloody boy."
"NO HE'S NOT!" Sephiroth snapped.
"Ah! You said he! It's a pronoun pertaining to a boy! You should've used she!" Red XIII pointed out.
"Ah what the hell! Don't give a rat's ass about that! I failed English anyway!" Sephiroth told him with a sneer before turning back to Barret who was still trying to keep Vincent away from him. "And now…"
Barret gulped. "I know I find Vincent strange but he's one of my homies y'know?! I won't let ya touch mah homie!" he said as he took a step backward.
"I see… now I have a rival." Sephiroth sneered.
"No you #$%!!! I'm not like you! He's a friend of mine and…" Barret began, but Sephiroth cut him off, "THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY!!!" and got his Masamune.
"#$%!!!!! Let's get Vincent out of here!" Cid told the others.
"Hell yeah! GAWDS!!!" Yuffie exclaimed before she ran off with Barret, Cid and the sleeping Vincent.
Tifa went over to Sephiroth and slapped his face, "That's for being macho and then not living up to it!" she shrieked in disgust before walking off.
Sephiroth just shrugged it off, "You're just jealous, babe! Mwahahahahaha!"
"No, I'm not. I'm just disappointed!" she snapped back.
Cloud looked at his watch. "Well… are we gonna fight yet?" he asked Sephiroth as Tifa stomped her way out of the cavern.
Silence. Cloud and Red XIII watched Sephiroth as he battled with his thoughts silently. A few minutes later, without warning, Sephiroth turned sharply away from them, whipping both Cloud and Red XIII, costing them about 115 HP.
As Cloud and Red XIII groaned while recovering from whiplash, Sephiroth looked determinedly ahead. "NO! Cloud, from this day forward, you shall be my squire! And Red, you shall be my noble steed!"
Cloud and Red XIII looked at Sephiroth strangely. "… huh?"
"Vincent is a damsel in distress, kidnapped by an evil bear, a bad woodcutter smoking tobaccos, an evil stepsister and a deranged pixie fairy!" Sephiroth explained.
Cloud blinked in confusion.
Red XIII thought for a while before saying, "The evil bear is Barret, the bad woodcutter is Cid Highwind, the evil stepsister is Tifa and the deranged pixie fairy is Yuffie. Get it?"
Cloud nodded. "I see…" he told him. Then he suddenly looked so enlightened, "And Sephiroth is the prince?!" he exclaimed.
"Exactly. I knew we could be the best of friends, Strife," Sephiroth told him.
"Nah-uh. Don't forget about the incident regarding Aerith! I still haven't forgotten about the… the day… the day you… you… killed… BAAAAAAH!!!!!" and Cloud began to cry.
"Yeah, yeah, and if you help me with Vincent, I promise to kill you so that you will be with Aerith." Sephiroth sneered.
"Come to think of it, Cloud, it makes sense," Red XIII told him.
"But I don't wanna die! I still want to get married and have kids and if I have a son I'll name him Sora!" Cloud pointed out.
"But you're going to get married to a girl who is not Aerith because Aerith is not here, remember? So come on! Just accept the deal!" Sephiroth snapped.
Cloud thought for a while. "Well… you could… bring her back?" he asked.
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you want me to do, fish her out of the pond? No way!" he exclaimed.
"Okay, okay, okay! You can kill me if you're successful!" Cloud told him, giving up.
Red XIII shook his head in disbelief. "That sounds so wrong. Cloud, where is your freewill!? …hey, Sephiroth, are you sure you're not controlling his mind?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm not." Sephiroth replied before pointing his sword towards the direction where Tifa et al had exited. "LET'S GO, SQUIRE AND MY NOBLE STEED!"Cid told the others.
ere!"h cut him off, "ncent away from him. r shoulders lightly, " total shock, the moment she turned bac he commanded.
"Aye, aye!" Cloud said, saluting with a happy smile on his face. "Gee, this feels like SOLDIER days!" he said.
"With Zack." Sephiroth told him with a silly smile on his face.
"BAH! Don't you ever mention that name to me again!" Cloud snapped impatiently.
"Why not? Just because he's Aerith's ex?" Sephiroth asked with a singsong voice as he marched away from them. Cloud and Red XIII followed after him. "Hmf. What are your plans anyway?" Cloud asked with a glum look on his face.
"We're going to find my Princess." Sephiroth told him.
"You're crazy." Red XIII muttered, but Sephiroth heard him, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell…" he chanted.
And for the whole trip, the song Unwell got stuck in Cloud and Red XIII's heads.
En Midgar… (translation: In Midgar…)
Barret, Tifa, Cid and Yuffie were still running for their lives… well, when we say the phrase running for their lives in this sense, it means that they rode the airship and flew it as fast as they could so that they could really get away quickly from Sephiroth and protect their sleeping friend Vincent.
"Man, we're just like the four fairies helping Sleeping Beauty! Heeheehee." Yuffie chanted.
"There were only three fairies. And they were fat old ladies. Har har har!" Cid told her.
"Okay, so I'll be the evil fairy. You guys could be the fat old ladies. Heeheeheehee!" Tifa giggled.
"Aw c'mon guys! Stop jokin' 'bout this situation! We must find a place to stay and hide Vincent!" Barret told them.
"Uh-oh… we're running out of fuel… we have to make an emergency landing now!" Cid announced upon seeing the fuel gauge.
Tifa looked over the railings and saw that they were above Sector 1… to be specific, above the ShinRa ruins. "We have to land on a pile of rubbish." She pointed out.
"Whatever. Maybe the rubbish can trick Sephiroth into staying away since this place is dirty and… he would think that we wouldn't put Vincent in such a place, right?" Yuffie asked.
After landing, Barret picked up the sleeping Vincent Valentine and ran out of the airship. "We have to hide him away from the airship." He told them.
"But where?" Tifa asked.
"Search the whole place for a safe area! I'll just put Vincent here and go over to Sector 6 to see if Marlene's alright." Barret said.
"Why can't you just take Vincent with you there?" Yuffie asked.
"I can't carry around a sleeping man for all the people to see!?" Barret told them before putting Vincent down on the hard ground and then ran off.
Cid scratched his head before saying, "Tifa, you stay here and guard Vincent. If Sephiroth arrives, scream, alright? Yuffie and I are going to start searching away from here… maybe in Sector 2." He pointed out.
Tifa was already beginning to feel her own weariness bothering her senses. "Yeah… whatever…" was all she responded before she lazily sat down beside Vincent. She looked down at her sleeping friend with envy. "You're very lucky! You're just sleeping! BUT WHY WON'T YOU WAKE UP?!" she screeched angrily.
"Snoooooore….." was all Vincent could reply.
Tifa looked away and sighed heavily… and she froze when she felt a hand creep up her shoulder. "Uuh… Vincent? That's not funny… you pretending to be asleep and…" she said with a shaky tone.
"Snooooore…" Vincent replied.
Tifa looked down at Vincent's right hand. It was just resting over his stomach. She blinked and then shuddered upon realizing someone else who's not Vincent is holding her. She moved away immediately from the pile of rubble behind her, dragging Vincent with her, but she turned back and was surprised to see a gloved hand… and white sleeves. "What the--?" she stammered.
"Snoooore… Lucrecia…" Vincent spoke up softly.
"Huh?" Tifa wondered.
"Uh… s…somebody…?" a voice came from where the hand was.
"Oh dear!" Tifa instantly let go of Vincent and rushed over to the hand. "Who's there?" she asked.
"Get me out of this bloody hell!!!" the person who owns the hand cried out to her in a very commanding voice.
Recognizing the voice, she instantly moved away in fear. "OH GAWDS! IT'S YOU!!!" she said in surprise.
"…Whoever you are, could you get me out of here?" the voice told her.
Tifa clenched her fists before crossing her arms across her chest, "No." she told him.
"WHAT?!" he demanded.
"You are Rufus ShinRa. I can't do that. And how the hell did you survive that… that horrible explosion?" she demanded.
"I… fell down the long flight of stairs from the 70th floor office, okay? And I think I broke a lot of bones so I can't really move… and… ow… PLEASE!!! I'm running out of air!" he told her with a pleading tone that sounded like music to Tifa's ears.
"I can't hear you!" Tifa told him with a singsong voice.
"Bloody hell! Come on, I have no time for games… choke I'm really running out of air!!!" Rufus snapped at her.
"Nah-uh. Say the magic word!" she said.
"Rufus?" she asked.
Tifa swallowed hard. "Bloody hell…" she muttered before deciding to push off some pile of boulders off the area where she saw the hand… until she finally saw the unconscious President lying on the dirty ground. "Oh dear!" she gasped before rushing to his aid. "I think I killed him!" she thought in shock.
Her eyes widened. "Oh no…" she choked. She turned back to Vincent with a worried look on her face, then back to Rufus as she felt some pulse on his neck. "Oh good! You're alive!" she said in relief.
"VINNEH!!! WHERE ARE YOU???"
She shuddered. "Ugh! I can't leave you here in this condition… especially since Sephiroth is here!" she told Rufus before turning to Vincent. "But… I have to get Vincent away from here…" she began to think of something to do… until she finally thought of something which made her smile rather fearfully. "Eh…" she hesitated before she decided to search for a Swiss knife from Rufus's pockets. "I'm sure rich guys have one…" she thought silently. She finally found one in his right trouser pocket, pulled it out immediately and searched for the scissors. She grabbed a handful of her long hair and looked up at the setting sun. "Well… I'm sure Sephiroth wouldn't notice it…" she looked down at Rufus pitifully again. "I'm sorry, Rufus. But I promise I'll come back for you here once I get Vincent away from here, alright?" she asked before she finally found the scissors.
Cid and Yuffie gloomily walked back towards the ShinRa Tower ruins. "We haven't found one single empty inn… where the heck are we going to dump Vincent now?" Cid grumbled.
Yuffie was about to say something else when she saw Tifa dragging Vincent the best way she could. "Tifa! Where are you going?"
Tifa made a shushing gesture and then mouthed, "Sephiroth's here!"
Cid and Yuffie's eyes widened. "Damn, that guy's fast," Cid whispered. He helped Tifa carry Vincent. "Teef… what the $#% happened to your hair?!"
"Oh… I sacrificed it for all our safety…" Tifa whispered back.
Yuffie made a sad face. "Aaww… your hair was so pretty… Oh well, at least it's still a bit long… Anyway, let's hide Vinny now, before Sephiroth finds us…"
"You two go on ahead… I'll watch my trap work, okay?" Tifa said, sprinting back to the ruins. Cid and Yuffie could only look at her in confusion.
They walked around, looking for a place to stash Vincent in.
"Hey… come to think of it… where are Cloud and Red XIII?"
Cloud flipped a few rocks over with his sword. "Well… the Highwind is parked over here, but they might have ran off someplace else… you know, maybe to another sector or even Kalm, if they're super duper fast…" he said.
"NO! I can sense Vinny here!" Sephiroth said, sniffing the air.
Red XIII sniffed around too. "Wait… wait… I'm picking up a familiar scent… smells like… wait… It's over here," he said, running on all fours towards a pile of rocks with a discarded white coat near it.
Red, Cloud and Sephiroth looked in awe over to a being with long, dark hair sprawled on the ground, with rocks arranged dramatically around him. His back faced them, and his left hand was hidden under him.
"… wow." Cloud and Red said in unison.
"Oh my Vinneh… at last, I have found thee!!!" Sephiroth said, tears of joy flowing on his cheeks.
"Well, do your magic, Princey boy," Cloud said mockingly.
"I shall, Squire. Thou hast done thy job well," he replied airily. "And now…" Sephiroth closed his eyes, slowly leaned down to the unconscious person lying on the ground, ready to kiss…
Tifa covered her mouth to stop herself from squealing in disgust. "Oh no… Poor Rufus!" she thought in total horror.
Red XIII's eyes widened. "Ay!" he turned away upon sniffing the air.
Cloud blinked in confusion upon realizing that "Vincent" was wearing white pants and brown leather shoes. "Did they bleach his pants?" he asked out loud.
Upon hearing this, Sephiroth opened his eyes and glanced at the pale face of the one he's kissing… and then the person he was kissing opened its pair of blue peepers and gazed up into Sephiroth's green ones.
Sephiroth suddenly felt so nauseous and withdrew from the blue-eyed person. "VINNY?! What happened to your eyes?!" he demanded in shock before stroking the dark hair… and the hair came off, revealing blonde locks.
Rufus ShinRa gazed wearily at Sephiroth. "What the hell did you just do to me?" he asked with annoyance in his voice, but he was too dazed to express deeper wrath.
"OH MY GOODNESS!!!???" Sephiroth immediately let go of Rufus, dropping him on the hard ground, making him utter a soft, "OW! Bloody hell… that really… hur…t…" and then passed out again.
Sephiroth stomped his foot before Rufus's face. "SOMEBODY TRICKED ME!" he snapped impatiently.
"Whose hair is that anyway? That's nice treachery." Cloud remarked with an amused look on his face. Red XIII approached the locks of hair on the floor by Rufus's head and sniffed it. "Hmm… Rufus's scent got mixed up with the person who owns this hair… but… it really smells like… pink champagne?" he asked, not sure.
"Who smells like that?" Cloud asked.
Red XIII sniffed it again before hesitating to answer. "Er… I am not really sure…" he lied. Though he knew it was Tifa.
Sephiroth just flipped his own hair. "Let's just go, my good Squire and my noble Steed!" he told his two companions before leading the way out of the area.
After waiting for the three to disperse, Tifa finally stepped out from her hiding place. "Bloody brilliant. Cloud has joined forces with Sephiroth… and he doesn't look hypnotized. I wonder if Sephiroth bribed him…" she was muttering to herself as she approached Rufus. She knelt down and grabbed Rufus's shoulders, shaking him rather violently, "Rufus? Rufus? You alright? Wake up!"
Rufus slowly opened his eyes again and gazed up at her, "Are you sure you're not Sephiroth pretending to be Tifa?" he asked rather drowsily.
Tifa raised an eyebrow at him. "What ever do you mean by that?" she asked in confusion.
"N…never mind… just… get me to a hospital… ugh…" and Rufus passed out again.
Tifa sighed as she realized that the nearest hospital was a few kilometers away… and that it was on the opposite direction of where Cid and Yuffie took Vincent to. "What do I do now?... I can't just leave this guy to die here…"
In the living room of a very pretty house on Sector 6, the one that formerly belonged to Aerith, Vincent snored on the sofa.
"#$%!!! Damn claw made the scrawny guy heavier than he really is!" Cid yelled.
Yuffie, on the other hand, was sniffing some flowers and relaxing. "Look on the bright side, now we don't have to drag him someplace else! Thanks for letting us in, Ms. Elmyra."
Cid sighed. "Yeah… wonder when Teef would get here… You pinhead, stop smelling the $%$ flowers! It's annoying!"
Elmyra just smiled weakly at them. "I've been trying to take care of the flowers ever since… she died. But I don't think I can do it well the way she could." She explained with a sad look in her eyes.
Yuffie sighed heavily. "We're really sorry about Aerith, ma'am." She told her apologetically.
Cid forced a smile at Elmyra, even though he still felt a little uncomfortable upon expressing condolences. "We could have done something for her but… I guess Sephiroth is… really powerful." He explained.
They were all silent for a few moments, just listening to Vincent snoring.
"I wonder how you could wake him up…" Elmyra said.
"Sephiroth tried to kiss him, but we didn't let him. But he's insistent." Yuffie said, still twitching at the fact.
Marlene, who was intently watching Vincent sleep, suddenly piped up, "Oh! Just like Sleeping Beauty! Daddy gave me a story book about her! She's pretty… just like Mr. Valentine! Hee hee!"
The grown ups fell silent.
"Marlene… you think Mr. Valentine looks like a Sleeping Beauty?..." Cid said, picking out his words as cuss-free as possible.
Marlene nodded enthusiastically. "He's got pretty eyelashes and long flowing hair and pretty eyes and if Mr. Valentine wore a pretty red dress, he'd look like the Sleeping Beauty in the storybook!"
Cid and Yuffie smiled at the same time. "Heheh… idea!"
Marlene tilted her head. "Huh?" she asked.
"Hee hee hee! Ms. Elmyra, do you have a pretty red dress here somewhere?" Yuffie asked with a mischievous tone. "You know… a gown or anything of that sort?"
Elmyra raised an eyebrow, but had an amused glint in her eyes. "Yes… Aerith has one for a special occasion… Why?"
Cid and Yuffie started snickering, but before they could answer the question, the front door just swung open, revealing a very exhausted Tifa dragging am unconscious blonde guy with her.
Everyone in the room gasped out loud upon recognizing the blonde guy.
Tifa continued to drag Rufus ShinRa until she reached the middle of the room. She sighed in relief before dropping him on the floor and then sinking into the sofa next to Vincent. "Oh yes… I forgot to mention that I found Rufus ShinRa and I used him as a trap so that Sephiroth would lose his way…"
"%&$." Cid replied.
"Oh… also, Cloud and Red XIII are working for Sephiroth as squire and noble steed," Tifa added, still recovering her breath.
"HOLY GAWDS!!!!!" Yuffie screeched out in shock which made the house shake.
"Shhh! #$%!!! Sephiroth might find us!" Cid told her, stomping his feet in the process.
Barret entered the house and was surprised to find Rufus ShinRa lying on the floor. Before he could start reacting violently, Tifa started to explain in a frantic tone, "I helped him because he was in trouble and he almost died and I figured that I could use him as a distraction for Sephiroth so that he would leave Vincent alone and so I cut a part of my hair and then placed it on Rufus's head so that Sephiroth would think that he is Vincent and when he did so, he kissed Rufus and then I felt sorry for him and so I dragged him all the way from Sector 1 to this house, okay?" and then she took a deep breath. In the process, Barret was about to speak again, but Tifa continued, "And I know he needs a hospital and that he's badly injured but come to think of it, he might have some use to us like maybe blackmail him or something or bribe him into doing something against his will as revenge for all the bloody nasty things he and his company has done to us all!"
Barret just turned to Marlene and revealed some flowers for her. "Flowers?" he asked with a tone that seemed to sound like he just forced it out from his aching throat.
Marlene smiled happily, "Oh, papa! Thank you!" she instantly took the flowers and sniffed them. "Where'd you get them Papa?" she asked sweetly.
"Just… out… back…" and Barret fainted, not being able to take the situation anymore.
"Oh good. Now we're in trouble." Cid muttered miserably.
"Oh dear… I'm so sorry. I do hope I didn't hurt anybody's feelings…?" Tifa asked weakly with a shaky smile on her face as she got up and went over to Barret.
"I prefer not to comment on that for now, but we have to get Vincent out of here. We can't keep him here for long." Yuffie told her.
"Well then where are we going to take him?" Cid asked.
Rufus moaned slightly and then opened his eyes. "Ugh… where am I?" he asked. He saw Tifa, "Oh… you." He muttered.
"You alright?" Tifa asked.
"Who'd be alright after what I've gone to?" Rufus asked in a weary tone.
"Alright, #$%%$ ShinRa brat. Do us all a favor, will you?" Cid asked.
"What kind of favor?" Rufus asked, struggling to stand up, but he couldn't really move. His whole body felt so numb.
"Help us hide Vincent here and then we'll help you. Otherwise, we'll just have to kill you." Cid told him threateningly.
"Then kill me for all I care, bloody hell." Rufus snapped impatiently.
"Alrighty-then, Ruffy. If you don't help us, I'll make sure I'll buy you a black wig and then I'll let Sephiroth kiss you again." Tifa told him as she crossed her arms.
His eyes widened upon hearing that. "Alright, alright. Call any remaining ShinRa executive you could find. I'll do it." He told them.
100 days later…
"Man, look at him sleep." Reno remarked while staring at the sleeping Vincent as Rude and Barret carefully lifted up the sleeping man from the stretcher and placed him on the bed.
Elena stared strangely at Vincent. "That's a him? I thought it was a her! Why's he wearing that red dress?!" she asked in confusion.
"Blame it on Yuffie and Cid… they said he's Sleeping Beauty." Barret told them.
Yuffie was just laughing in one corner of the room located on the ShinRa Tower's last floor. "Okay, so I hope Sephiroth wouldn't find him here that easily." She said.
"He could just fly up and peek through the &%$#% window." Cid pointed at a window with his cigarette.
"Won't do him any good. For one thing, it's locked. Plus, it's invincible against magic and physical attacks. And the entrance to the 70th floor from the deck is locked," Reno explained. "At least, that's what the Prez has told us so far…"
"Oh yeah… what happened to Rufus? I heard he got smooched by Prince Charming," Barret said, guffawing.
"He's supposed to be hospitalized, but he's in one of the rooms here in the ShinRa tower… fortunately, he can't remember the scene very clearly. Just flashes of it in his nightmares," Elena answered.
Reno suddenly laughed. "What's so funny?" asked Elena.
"Nuthin'. Just that Mr. Valentine over here's prettier than any of you… even Tifa… ain't it right, Rude?" Reno answered, nudging Rude, who tried his best not to react.
Elena and Yuffie restrained themselves, thinking, "How… could a man with a claw wearing a red dress be prettier than me?!" But, they can't help but admit that Vincent was, indeed, prettier than them at that moment.
"Snoooore… 'Crecia…" Vincent mumbled quietly in his sleep.
Meanwhile, in Sector 6.
Cloud held back tears as he stood in the middle of a certain flower garden. "… Aerith…" he sighed out in a depressed fashion.
Behind him, Red XIII sighed himself as he watched Sephiroth sniff the air like, uh, a deranged cursed squirrel prosecutor man or something. "Sephiroth, I've already told you, their scent's pretty much long gone already. They escaped somewhere now…"
Elmyra, who was obligated to show the strange trio around, shook her head in exasperation. "Well… they weren't here in the first place, Mr. Sephiroth…" she tried to convince them in vain.
Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at her. "You're lying…"
"No, I'm not," Elmyra answered casually.
Red XIII turned away, gazing at the rebuilt ShinRa Tower. His eyes widened in surprise, "ShinRa's back." He told them.
All of them turned up to the Tower.
"Say, ever heard of the story Sleeping Beauty?" Elmyra asked playfully.
"Er… yes, madame," Red XIII told her.
"Yes, me too. Why?" Sephiroth asked rather impatiently while eyeing the tower curiously.
"Oh that was Aerith's favorite fairy tale!" Elmyra explained.
Cloud began to bawl and ran off to the flower bed and dove onto it and kept on rolling all over it. Sephiroth, Red XIII and Elmyra were stunned at first but then just decided to ignore the Cloud Strife who was having a tantrum. "Did you hit his head or something?" she asked Sephiroth.
"Cannot really remember." He replied.
"Alright, seriously, didn't it ever occur to you that Princesses are always locked up in towers?" she asked.
"LET'S GO, MY ALMIGHTY SQUIRE AND MY NOBLE STEED!" Sephiroth said, running off with an enlightened smile on his face.
Red XIII sighed, said good-bye to Elmyra, and carried Cloud (who was still bawling as he grabbed a handful of flowers) by the collar before running after Sephiroth. "I hate being the noble steed," he thought in annoyance.
And so the Prince, his ever-reliable squire and his noble steed ran off into the sunset blocked by the silhouette of the ShinRa Tower.
Tifa tried to ignore the evil glances Scarlet kept throwing at her direction. Carrying a bouquet of get-well flowers with a card on them, she asked as kindly as she could: "Good afternoon… could you allow me to visit Mr. ShinRa for a few minutes?"
Scarlet snorted. "He is President ShinRa once again, Ms. Lockheart… best for you to remember that," she said with a kyah. She stepped aside and cleared the doorway for Tifa to enter.
Tifa peeked in. Rufus, apparently, was having another nightmare involving the Prince again. "… no… I am not a woman… AH!" he woke with a start.
Tifa flinched as Rufus looked groggily at her and frowned. "You… what trick did you play on me? You keep apologizing about Sephiroth… you're responsible for these nightmares?!" he said, both angrily and weakly.
"It was for Vincent's safety…" Tifa weakly reasoned out. "I'm so sorry… I didn't expect him to do that to you… And I couldn't stop him, since Cloud and Red XIII's on his side for some insane reason…"
"Hmph," In his weak state, Rufus still flipped his hair. Tifa gave him a look of annoyance. "At least be thankful that I saved your life and that Sephiroth didn't kill you when he realized that you're not his princess after he kissed you!" she snapped back at him as she angrily placed the flowers on top of the bedside table. "And why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?" she asked with a harsh tone that seemed to falter in the end.
"Hmf… I don't trust the executives to take care of everything here in ShinRa while I'm away in a hospital, so I just decided to stay here. Anyway, I have doctors coming in here every now and then to check on me. Besides, I heal easily. It's only been a hundred days but the broken bones are gone." He told her.
"So you can stand up?" she asked.
"Not really. So would you be an angel and help me onto that wheelchair and take me to Vincent's chamber? I want to see how he is doing." Rufus told her while eyeing the wheelchair by the door.
"I'm not your servant." Tifa told him before proceeding to the door. "Which means, I'll have to call Scarlet…"
"NO! Not her!" he told her.
"And why not?" Tifa asked.
"She'll… wound me with her nails. In case you haven't noticed, they're fatally sharp…" Rufus uneasily explained.
"Kyah! I heard that!" Scarlet's remark was muffled by the door.
Rufus sighed as both of them in the room heard Scarlet ranting to the unfortunate person beside her… which just happened to be Reeve.
The President cleared his throat. "So… Ms. Lockheart, if you please…" he said, almost a request.
Tifa didn't argue anymore and helped him on a wheelchair.
Just as she was about to push, they both heard sounds coming from outside the window… like loud sucking sounds…or popping…
Like suction cups pressing against a wall and then coming off again.
"What's that?" Rufus asked.
Tifa rushed to the window and peeked outside. Her eyes widened when she realized that Cloud and Sephiroth were climbing up the wall with large suction cups on their hands and feet. She gasped but before the two could see her, she got her head back inside the room, panting.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She instantly ran to him, opened the door and quickly gave a hard push which made him feel like he would get thrown out of the wheelchair. "Slow down!" he told her.
"They're going up!" she announced, which alarmed Scarlet and Reeve.
"Who's going up?" Rufus asked as he held on to dear life. Tifa stopped by the elevator and waited for it to open after pressing the "up" button, but it was taking forever. "Damn! It will be too late!" and with enough strength due to sudden adrenalin rush, she threw Rufus over her shoulder and to everyone's awe, she was able to carry him. "Ugh. You should lose pounds!" she told him before rushing to the emergency staircase.
Yuffie, Barret, Cid and the Turks stared at Vincent in awe.
"Man… look at him SLEEP!" Reno remarked again. "It's like he's the real deal! Sleeping Beauty!"
"Yeah… I wonder who the prince is?" Elena asked.
"You don't wanna know…" Cid muttered miserably.
"And what's with the red dress?!" Barret demanded.
The door suddenly burst open and there was Tifa with Rufus over her shoulder. "Whoa!" Barret reacted in shock.
"Sephiroth and Cloud are coming!" Tifa announced before realizing what she had done to Rufus and instantly dropped him to the ground, accidentally hitting his head on the floor, making him unconscious.
"WHAT?!" the others reacted.
"Oh dear! Rufus!" Tifa cried out before helping him, but he was still knocked-out cold.
"#$%!!! What have you done to him?!" Cid demanded.
ave you done to him?!"he was still knocked-out cold.nconscious.
ped him to thd to everyone'get thrown out of the w don't know! I just carried him up here!" Tifa replied in confusion, suddenly feeling body ache because Rufus was really heavy back there.
"What are we going to do?!" Elena cried out in panic when she realized that Sephiroth and Cloud are already only 5 floors away from them when she looked down from the window.
"Keep them busy!" Barret said, going to the window with Elena and Reno.
"Try shooting them!" Cid suggested.
"Are you kidding?! You can't hurt Cloud!" Yuffie told them.
"Just throw objects at them!" Tifa suggested.
Elena searched the whole room and found some baby oil. "Here! Maybe this will make them slip!" she told them before throwing the bottle at Sephiroth.
"You idiot! You should've uncapped it first and then spilt the contents at them!" Reno told her.
"Okay, I'm sorry!!!" Elena wailed, nearing tears because of confusion.
Barret grabbed the nearest object he could get: a pack of M&M's.
While the three were busy, Cid asked, "What are we going to do?"
"Get Vincent out of here!" Tifa told him. Cid and Rude got the sleeping guy out of the bed while Yuffie and Tifa dragged Rufus onto the bed. "Undress him, quick!" Yuffie said to her.
"WHAT?!" Tifa demanded.
"Vincent too! Get the red dress off of him! We'll switch their clothes!" Yuffie said.
"Oh, I get your idea," Cid said while stifling his laughter.
Tifa was worried, "But… what about Rufus's hair?" she asked.
"I have a wig." Rude told them.
"Alright, let us have it! How long is it?" Tifa asked with a ridiculous smile on her face.
"It's… as long as Tseng's hair from before. I think it would do." Rude said before pulling out the wig from his pocket which really surprised them. "You carry it always with you?!" Yuffie asked as she got it from him.
"Well… I like collecting wigs." Rude replied rather sheepishly while blushing.
"Oh…" was all they could say as Tifa began to put the black wig onto Rufus's hair and messed up the strands a little while her eyes were closed (since some of them were undressing both Rufus and Vincent while she's at it).
Yuffie fixed the last creases on the dress that Rufus was presently wearing. "There! Now he's the princess, and none will be the wiser!"
In the nick of time, Cid and Rude managed to stuff the white-clad Vincent in the closet as Sephiroth crashed through a window, landing on Barret who started cussing. "I have come to awaken the Princess!" he declared in all nobility as he flashed his most handsome smile.
"Then go ahead! Who's stoppin' ya?" Reno asked casually before crossing his arms and leaned against the wall.
Sephiroth sneered at all of them, "But first, I have to get rid of the dragons and goblins and the evil fairies and the evil stepsisters! With the help of my almighty squire and my noble steed! I shall… HEY!!! WHERE'S MY NOBLE STEED?!" he demanded, realizing that Red XIII's nowhere to be found.
"We left him downstairs, remember? He can't climb walls." Cloud reminded him with a glum look on his face.
"Cloud, ya foo'! What the #$% are you doing with that #$%?!" Barret demanded.
Cloud just ignored him and got his buster sword.
Sephiroth stepped aside and went to the bed, gazing at the beautiful pale face of his "princess". "Ah, my one and only beloved…" and he knelt down by the bed.
"Isn't he even wondering why we're not stopping him?" Tifa whispered to Elena.
Elena just shrugged. "Maybe he's been blinded by love." She whispered back.
"GAWDS! That's so sweet then!" Yuffie swooned excitedly.
"Hell yeah!" Elena said, agreeing.
Cid, Reno, Rude and Barret watched in amazement at the swooning girls. "What's up with them?" Barret asked in confusion.
"Beats me…" Cloud muttered.
Tifa pursed her lips and turned away, eyeing the closet. "I can't look… I hope Rufus doesn't wake up now…" she prayed quietly.
Sephiroth gently scooped up the "princess" in his arms and continued to gaze at "her" lovely face. "Finally! You're mine!" and bent down to kiss the princess, but stopped upon sniffing her hair. "Wait a moment…" and sniffed again.
Sephiroth dropped her on the bed and turned to face them, which made everyone gasp in shock. "How come she smells like Wutaian?" he demanded.
"Er… we… shampooed her hair moments ago with a shampoo imported from Wutai. Heheh…" Elena replied.
Sephiroth's facial expression softened. "Oh." And turned back to the Princess again, scooping her up in his arms and then was ready to kiss her.
Cloud was eyeing the loose blonde strands underneath the black wig. "Gee…" and his eyes widened when he recognized the red dress that the Princess was wearing. "…Aer… Aerith?" he whispered.
Just when Sephiroth's lips were about to touch the Princess's lips, Cloud rushed over to him and pushed him away from the Princess. "NO! DON'T KISS HER! SHE'S MINE!" he yelled angrily, surprising everyone including Sephiroth.
"What?!" Tifa asked in shock.
"This is Aerith, can't you see?!" Cloud declared.
Sephiroth frowned. "NO! She's my Princess Vinneh!" he went over to Cloud, attempting to grab the Princess away from him, but Cloud hugged "her". "NO! She's my Princess Aerith!" Cloud argued.
Yuffie looked up at the ceiling. "Oh my GAWD!… if Aerith is watching, she could be laughing right now… with the other dead dudes…" she muttered with a funny smile on her face.
Tifa clutched her own head in confusion. "Oh no… this is so bad…" she thought in worry.
"Whehehey! This is a good show!" Reno said in amazement as he sat down comfortably on a couch as he continued to watch the events.
Cloud was finally able to grab the Princess for himself, "Finally, you're back, Aerith! And we'll live happily ever after! I may not be a Prince and may have nothing to give you… but my love is all I have to give…" he sniffed.
"The last statement was like a boyband song…" Elena remarked.
"…Anyway, Aerith, we'll live in a house far away from here. It may be small but simple but we'll fill it with love!..." Cloud continued.
"…not to mention, kids." Tifa pointed out.
Cloud nodded. "Yes, yes, kids. And Tifa will be the godmother… and the godfather is… Rufus…"
At the mention of the name, the Princess slightly moved and moaned slightly, "Ow… my bloody head…"
Tifa, the Turks, Barret, Cid and Yuffie jaw-dropped and stifled their screams.
Cloud shed a tear, "Oh Aerith. We'll have a son! And we'll name him Sora! And then we'll be such a very happy family!" he said before leaning down to finally kiss the Princess.
Sephiroth gasped, "NO!!! How dare you, you unfaithful squire! It's off with your head!!!" he declared as he prepared to slash him with his Masamune, but before he could do so, he froze when he realized that the Princess suddenly opened her eyes… and they were blue. "What the—?" he stammered in disbelief.
Everybody else gasped in shock… except for Cloud who was still "enjoying the moment" of finally kissing his "princess".
"#$%!!!!" Cid cussed before looking away. "I can't look anymore…" he muttered.
Rufus clenched his fists as his eyes widened in shock upon realizing his present situation. "?!"
Cloud, feeling the sudden resistance, withdrew from the "princess"… and upon seeing blue eyes that seemed to mirror his own, he dropped the Princess onto the bed again with a mortified expression on his face and when Rufus landed on the bed, the black wig fell off and landed on the pillow behind him as he remained seated, frozen to death as he stared up horridly at Cloud.
"A… a…. a…." Cloud stammered.
"Oh my, you two are so cute! Heeheehee!" Yuffie giggled.
Rufus shook violently. "Why…? Am I the victim of these HORRIBLE ATROCIOUS MEN-KISSING MEN?!?!" he yelled in a number of emotions. And he continued yelling like a psycho.
Sephiroth joined in his yelling and screaming like a psycho: "WHERE IS MY VINNEH?!?!?"
And Cloud joined in too: "AERITH!!!!!!!!!"
Sephiroth grabbed Tifa. "Listen up, you dorks! If you ever want to see this evil fairy once again, you'd better give me my Vinny back! Understood?!" he demanded.
"What?! Since when did I become the evil fairy?!" Tifa cried out in confusion.
"Shut up." Sephiroth muttered to her.
Annoyed, she did a back kick, hitting Sephiroth's junk. "OOOOH!!!" he reacted in severe pain and agony as he let go of her and crouched down on the ground, his face red in fury.
Tifa ran over to Cloud and shook him violently, "SNAP OUT OF IT, CLOUD!!! You have to get rid of Sephiroth if you want to save the Planet…" she began. "Not to mention, get Aerith back!" Red XIII told him.
"Where did you come from?" Cid asked in surprise.
"I used the stairs. Duh." Red replied.
Cloud was still sniffing. "Baaah… my Aerith… so close and yet so far… now everyone thinks I'm gay… because I kissed Ruffy! BAAAAH!" he raised up his Ultima Weapon in a move to stab himself with it, but Rufus, Tifa, Barret and Cid grabbed hold of him to stop him. "NO! If you kill yourself, who will help us get rid of Sephiroth?!" Rufus demanded.
"Let me die! I'd rather die than kiss you again! And how dare you desecrate that dress! That dress belongs to Aerith! She wore it the day… the day Tifa got kidnapped and I had to wear a dress too. Aerith wore a dress too so that I wouldn't feel left out! Baaaah!!!" Cloud was crying.
Rufus froze, realizing only at that moment that he was wearing a red dress. He slowly let go of Cloud. "I'm… wearing a dress?" he asked in shock, looking down at himself.
"HOOYAH!!!" Sephiroth was up again and instantly knocked out Tifa and Cid with the hilt of his sword, and before he could hit Rufus, Barret and Cloud with it, the Turks got on his way.
Thus a fight began between Sephiroth and AVALANCHE with ShinRa.
Red XIII just kept on sniffing the whole place, looking for Vincent's whereabouts, while Rufus quickly went over to the closet to see if there are spare change of clothes for him… since he can't move properly in that red dress. The moment he opened the closet, a sleeping Vincent Valentine wearing his white clothes fell into his arms. "Oh dear!" Rufus said in reaction… and accidentally locked lips with the sleeping guy.
His eyes widened. And he screamed in terror. "OH MY GOD!!!"
Everybody stopped brawling and looked at the pair. "NOOOOOO!" Sephiroth screamed too late.
Vincent's eyes moved, and slowly opened. "Oh my… What am I doing in these clothes?" he asked Rufus.
And then, Vincent noticed something else. "Why… are you holding me like that? And in those clothes?" He looked around the room. "And why are they fighting here?"
Everybody remained frozen. And poor Rufus can't take the fact that he kissed another person of the same sex. He fainted.
"W-ell…" Vincent dusted Rufus' clothes. "Now, if somebody can kindly explain—…"
"MY PRINCESS! ShinRa stole my princess! He will PAY!" Sephiroth, tears in his eyes, ran over to the fainted Rufus and made a move to stab him.
Tifa, panting heavily in anger, knocked out Sephiroth with a blow at the back of his head. "Okay, I've had enough of this! And I can't take the fact that he called me an evil fairy!" she snapped angrily.
And she smiled cheerfully again and giggled. "Heehee! So, how are you doing, Vincent?" she asked. Her sudden change of mood confused everyone, including Vincent. "I'm… alright. But…" he stammered as he scratched his head. "I feel quite rested, actually, but what I cannot comprehend is this… this…" he was staring down at Rufus and then at Sephiroth. And he froze. "Did Sephiroth just call me Princess?" he asked.
"Yeah. Actually you look better in the red dress than the Prez." Reno pointed out.
Vincent frowned. "Oh, really. How… wonderful," he said sarcastically. "What was I doing in the red dress in the first place?"
"Loooong story. We better clean up this mess first before anything else," Elena said, afraid for her job when she noticed how messed-up the President's Office was at present.
Rufus was in a hospital bed again. He glared angrily at Tifa, who just entered the room with another bouquet of flowers.
"Yeuh… You involved me in this horrible mess in the first place," he said in a low voice.
Tifa smiled cheerfully. "All's well that ends well, Mr. President. I brought you more flowers," she said, showing him the white and pink roses in her hands.
He cringed at the sight of them, but still forced a kind smile at her, "Thank you. At least they're not red." He told her, remembering the color of the red dress. "And how's Cloud Strife doing?" he asked.
"Still the same." She replied rather sadly.
It had been another 100 days after the incident but Cloud still wasn't able to get over the fact thatAerith is not yet back The "princess" he kissed was Rufus He kissed a guy
"Well… that's too bad… Is Sephiroth still in the Mental Institute?" he asked.
"Actually… no." Tifa replied.
"You guys let him loose?! Isn't that dangerous?" he demanded.
"Not really. Since we sorta made a deal with him… that if he gets Aerith back, we'll give him Vincent." Tifa replied.
Rufus blinked. "And what if he succeeds?" he asked curiously.
"A deal's a deal." She told him.
"How the hell is he going to get Aerith back here?" he asked.
"Oh he'll find a way. I'm sure…" she explained with a silly smile on her face.
"And what about Vincent? Where is he right now? Does he know about the deal?" Rufus asked.
"Yes, he does. But… I don't think Sephiroth is interested in him anymore." She told him. "What made you say so? If he's not interested, how come he's still looking for Aerith?" he asked in confusion.
She just smiled playfully at him before she approached him. "You know how insane people can get sometimes…" and then gave him a kiss which surprised him.
Rufus was a bit hesitant for a while, but when he decided to return the kiss, she withdrew from him. He gazed into her crimson eyes with curiosity on why she had to do that. And she just winked at him…
Rufus's jaw dropped and he let out a scream which sounded like a croak. "SEPHIROTH?!?!?" his mind was screaming violently.
"Heeheeheehee!" Sephiroth imitated Tifa's giggle. "I like you, Rufus. You're a great kissah!" Then he strutted over to the window and jumped out, just in time when the door opened and there was Tifa holding a bouquet of red roses. "Hello, Rufus! Nice of you to be awake now!" she greeted cheerfully.
But Rufus fainted again.
"Oh dear… what happened?" She asked in confusion before turning to the window. "And who left the window open?" she asked out loud before proceeding to close it after putting the bouquet on top of the bedside table. After closing the window, she noticed that another bouquet of roses was lying beside Rufus. "Pink and white? Hmm… wonder who they came from?" she just thought. From afar, she could hear a distant "mwahahahahahahahahaha" laughter. She just cringed.