A/N-There's political humor here, so don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, Look, A Distraction!
The Quidditch season was upon them, and Harry didn't know what was worse: the people telling him he'd suck, or Hermione's insistence that 11 was far to young to be dirty dancing in the Havana nights.
Um………………Hey look, a distraction!
So, anyway, the Quidditch season was upon them, and…
"All right men," Really Really Hot Guy was saying.
"And women!" George pronounced.
Everyone stopped to stare at George.
"What are you looking at?! I'm just a bloody squirrel!" George hid his mascara behind his back. "Running, jumping, climbing trees!"
And, true to his word, he began running, jumping, and climbing trees.
Fred suddenly felt the need to prove his masculinity, so he yelled "WOMAN!", grabbed Angelina, and began snogging her.
Percy Weasley suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "You're in trouble, mister; it was your turn to cook last night…"
"Woman, don't you understand I have a job?!" Really Really Hot Guy shouted.
"You're so mean to me!" Percy whapped Really Really Hot Guy's head with a Gucci purse and stormed away.
"I'm sorry, baby! I love you!" Really Really Hot Guy glomped Percy. "Tell you what, why don't we get away, just you and me?"
"Oh, Oliver! You always know what to say!" They began to snog passionately.
WE INTERRUPT THIS PARODY FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN. WE BELIEVE THIS FIC HAS BROUGHT UPON THE SUDDEN RISE IN FANGIRLS JUMPING OUT OF NEARBY WINDOWS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAVE THESE TENDENCIES, RUN, DO NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST HOWARD JOHNSON'S AND DO THE CHIQUITA BANANA DANCE TO COPA CABANA.
"Her name was Lola!" Snape sang, dancing around a HoJo's with a bowl of fruit on his head. "She was a showgirl!"
WE BRING YOU MORE ON THIS STORY ON THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS AT 11.
(Back To The Quidditch Pitch)
"You want fries with that?" some vendor asked.
"What'd you say 'bout my mama?!" Harry hollered, jumping on the vendor and beating him up. Poor, underpaid food service industry workers.
The match, unfortunately, had to be canceled because George thought the Quaffle was "really dirty", and Fred would not stop shouting "We're not COMPLETELY identical! WOMAN!!!"
The next day, they decided to continue with the match because Hogwarts actually has a non-discrimination policy.
"I'm not a homophobe. I swear I'm not," Bush said. "I just enjoy imposing morality on the masses."
Kerry checked the stats list. "Well, according to this, 70 percent of the US aren't homophobes. So I'm not, either." he began to move his arms and clunk around the stands. "There is no "I" in team, there is no "I" in team..."
So the Quidditch teams mounted their brooms and took off into the air.
Harry's job was to find the golden Easter Egg and spread joy, chocolate, and tooth decay among the masses upon finding it. However, for the first 10 minutes, Harry sat in the air and watched like an idiot.
"I have a chick's name and I can never get a girlfriend," Announcer-Dude Lee Jordan said. "So George Weasley is my love monkey."
Everyone stopped and stared at Lee.
"Erm…I mean…hey, look, a distraction!"
The whole of the spectators looked away. Lee Jordan wiped the sweat off his forehead. If only he could tell the whole world of his love for the crimson-haired boy who hair was the color of crimson.
If only he could tell which crimsoned-haired boy was George…
"WOMAN!!" Fred somehow managed to glomp Angelina in mid-air.
Okay, so that one WASN'T his love monkey.
Meanwhile, the Gryffindor Band Geeks had started up a rousing chorus of "Toxic". Not to be outdone, the Slytherin Band Geeks started up with "Naughty Girl".
However, now one was paying attention, because they were watching the horse races around the track the next field over.
"And in first place it's DoesThisDressMakeMeLookFat," Lee announced. "Twenty feet behind is NoNotReally followed closely by WhatDoYouMeanByThat. Rounding the corner is IHateYouYou'reSoMeanToMeIShouldHaveListendToMyMotherAndMarriedBob, followed by IKnewYou'dBringHimUp! Next is GetOutOfMyHouse followed by Begging and Pleading, Begging, Pleading and in the last place, HeyLookADistraction!"
The audience looked back at the Quidditch pitch and promptly began panicking. Harry…oh, the horror…the humanity! He was playing Solitaire…with only 51 cards!
Hermione promptly fainted at her ONE and ONLY TRUE LOVE'S peril.
Harry looked up and snatched the Easter egg.
"Hey, it's a Cream-Filled Egg!" Harry said, opening it to find the multi-colored cream inside.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S THE SPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed and began running in circles.
"Ron, look, a distraction!" Neville Largebottom yelled.
"Where?" Ron looked around. "Distraction? DISTRACTION!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!WHERE ARE YOU, DISTRACTION?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Tonight! I'll be your naughty girl!" several Slytherins sang off-key.
"I'm addicted to you; don't you know that you're toxic?" several Gryffindors sang even more off-key.
Everyone paused to look at the Gryffindor Band geeks, contemplating just how little sense those lyrics made.
"Erm…um…hey, look, a distraction!" the drum major said.
"Distraction?" Ron piped up. "WHERE?! DISTRACTION!! COME BACK TO ME!! BACK TO THE DAYS IN TRANSYLVANIA WHEN OUR LOVE WAS MUTUAL!!!!!!!!!" Ron fell to his knees and sobbed like a broken man.
Hermione, fully energized now that her one heart's love was okay, got up and set Snape's robes on fire. And he screamed like a girly man.
"Harry, I think Snape is trying to kill you," Hermione said as Harry landed.
"Nah, I think he's really just resentful of me because my aunt is actually a witch and he dated her but his Slytherin peers found out and nearly tortured them to death and he had to lie and say that he was playing her in order to get away and get them in trouble but my aunt thought it was the truth and gave up all magic entirely and they both hate me because I remind them of their worst mistakes."
"Harry, I think Snape is trying to kill you."
"Great Scott, you're right!"
"Aren't I though?" Really Really Hot Guy said, flexing his pecs.
(Author Promptly Faints)
Brownie points to anyone who went to a HoJo's and danced the Chiquita Banana.