A/N: It's been MONTHS since I've updated this! But with writer's block, my computer crashing and exams, I really haven't has either the time or energy to write. I'm really, really sorry. Plus, when I go back to school in September, I really don't think I'll have much time. I'll just have to get as much done as I an during the summer…
Dedication: To whoever is reading this now, since it has taken me so long to update, you deserve a dedication for being so patient I'm sorry…
Disclaimer: I don't own a computer that actually works, for the love of pie! Am I likely to own the legal rights to Pokémon?
She could feel her own heartbeat, pulsing so loudly she worried that it would alert her prey to her presence.
Moving almost fluidly, she lifted one paw into the air and moved it forwards before placing it silently back on the ground. She let her body weight fall back on it and twitched her tail, now fully balanced.
A slight gust of wind ruffled her fur slightly, not failing to send a shiver down her spine. She was, however, relieved that the breeze came from the east, and would therefore not carry her scent toward her unsuspecting victim.
She took another cautious step forward and saw her prey not three meters in front of her, still blissfully unaware of the almost certain doom that was sneaking its way nearer and nearer.
Taking a deep breath, she let adrenaline pump through her body, sending her heartbeat into overdrive and making the fur all along her back stand on end in sheer anticipation.
Suddenly but silently, she reared up onto her hind legs, every muscle in her body tensed. With a primal roar, she lunged at her helpless prey, soaring through the air, her eyes fixated on her target…
Onett neatly sidestepped the Raichu's attack, causing her to skid across the lino of the kitchen floor and crash ungracefully into the fridge door, dislodging a number of fridge magnets and causing a vast number of telephone messages to float down on her crumpled body.
"How did you…?" Sarah asked, helping her friend up and brushing Post-Its off her, while Onett the Espeon used his psychic powers to re-affix Dannichu's large collection of fridge magnets, most of which bore random quotes such as "Save the Earth – it's the only planet with chocolate".
The Espeon replied by causing a magnet which read "Don't try and understand me – just love me" zoom around Sarah's head a few times before levitating it above Sianne's head and dropping it.
"Oh yeah…" Sarah said, sticking the magnet back on the fridge door. "Your ESP."
"Evil pie.." Sianne muttered darkly, glaring daggers at Onett before grapping a packet of Froot Loops from the sideboard and running into the dining room with it, cackling maniacally, Onett and Sarah in chase.
Bansra the Linoone and Rebecca the Jolteon were already at the large dining room table (dubbed 'Noctowl' by Rabid Psycho, who loved naming inanimate objects), and eating their breakfasts of peanut butter on toast and boiled Chansey egg when Sianne burst in, clutching a cereal packet and leaving a trail of Froot Loops in her wake. The demented Raichu leaped into a chair and poured the remaining contents of the cereal packet over her end of the table and proceeded to pick them up using her mouth, one by one.
The Jolteon and Linoone exchanged looks of disgust before both bursting out laughing. Sianne paused and looked up, both cheeks full of cereal, before resuming her rather slurpy activity.
Sarah and Onett entered the room to see Rebecca and Bansra dying of laughter, Sianne with her mouth nearly bursting with cereal and an unappetizing mix of Froot Loops and Raichu drool all over the table.
"Hygienic." Onett commented, shaking his head in despair. He and Sarah went over to the table and sat down, Sarah in a somewhat normal chair, Onett in one of the special chairs that Dracoru had made for the quadruped members of the adopted family.
"Wook!" Sianne shouted ecstatically, showering everyone with chewed-up cereal, "two shtuck togever!"
Amazed at her discovery, the Raichu leaped out of her chair and onto the table and held up the mutant Froot Loops for all to see.
"Get off the table, Sianne." Rebecca warned. "You know how Dee gets when you do that."
"It's bad enough that you've salivated all over it." Bansra added, taking her empty eggcup into the kitchen. "I'll bring out a cloth to wipe it up with before she comes down."
"She's so hygiene-obsessed, that sister of ours." Rebecca sighed to Onett, as Sianne hopped off the table and began picking out random cereal particles that had become embedded in her feet during her escapade onto the table, never letting go of the Siamese twin Froot Loops.
"She has a point, though." said Onett, twitching his forked tail in frustration.
"Come on; what she doesn't know can't hurt her." assured Bansra, re-entering the room armed with a dishcloth and cleaning solvent, wiping all the drool off the table.
"That's what they say in movies," said Sarah thoughtfully, "right before the person they're talking about walks into the room."
Everyone jumped slightly as the door opened and through it entered Deanna the Vaporeon, who took one look at everyone's guilty faces before looking very wary. "What is it?" she asked, as Bansra scuttled guiltily back into the kitchen with as much subtlety as she could.
"Nothing" Onett replied, lying perfectly, displaying a totally calm face without a cloud of worry in his deep purple eyes.
"What are you hiding?" Deanna asked, still eyeing everyone suspiciously, "Has Sarah mutated the cabbage again?"
"Hey!" said Sarah indignantly.
"I've told you before; Sarah's experiments are totally safe." Onett said, defending his experiment-loving friend.
"Unless you're Nwacha," Rebecca giggled, "trapped in the airing cupboard for three hours!"
"That was an honest mistake." Sarah admitted. "I've apologised for that more than once."
Realizing that the Vaporeon was now safely distracted, Onett decided to go and make himself some breakfast, while Sianne continued to amuse herself by putting the Froot Loops box over her head and singing loudly.
Blaise was sitting in her room, playing Pokémon Pinball: Ruby and Sapphire on her much-loved Charizard-styled Gameboy Advance SP. She was doing very well, nearly beating her hi-score, and glaring at the screen while pressing buttons as if they were providing the oxygen she breathed, while her head and back flames were the size of bonfires. She was also yelling rather loudly to her game.
"Graa… go into the Wailmer's mouth, you stupid little ball! No, not the Shroomish! THE WAILMER! GRAHHH! No, not the Pelliper either! Bring back my ball you stupid pelican thing! Yes, now into the Wailmer… NO! Not down the Pikachu lane! Ack! No saver! NOOOOO!" she moaned, dropping to her knees as her last ball fell down the little alley, causing her game to be over. "Die, stupid game!" the Quilava yelled, hurling her Gameboy onto her fireproof bed, where it bounced off, landing lightly on the floor. She then sat on her bed, fuming.
"I was so close! So close that time! All I needed to do was catch it…."
Her ramble was cut short by a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she snapped, still fuming.
"It's Wilber," came the voice, rather timidly, "there's one pitta bread left; I thought you might want to come down and have it before Sianne gets her paws on it."
Blaise got up from her bed and walked over to the door. "Sorry about that." she said, halfway between a blush and a grin (a blin?), "Yeah, I could use some breakfast." With that, she and the abnormally fat Pidgey made their way downstairs.
"Pinball?" Wilber asked, once all of Blaise's flames had died down.
"You got it." she grinned.
"I just can't start the morning without –"
"A decaf liberally laced with milk and ice, right?" Terra giggled as Agni looked over her coffee at the Flygon.
"How do you know?" she asked, looking shocked.
Terra laughed. "You have the same thing every single morning, dearie."
"Yeah well… I can't stand hot coffee. Or lots of caffeine. But it's still just what I need in the morning."
"Agni… you might not have noticed… but you're a Flareon."
"I've never heard of a Flareon who doesn't like hot things."
Agni put her large mug back down on the table. "Yeah, but since when has anyone in the house done anything normal and in-fitting with their species? I mean – how far did you fly this morning?"
"Fifteen miles…" Terra blushed slightly, "each way…"
"Point proven." Agni grinned as she took another sip of her coffee.
"You're up early, Loanlee." Souriee greeted as the withdrawn Marowak shuffled into the kitchen, where Sparky and Nwacha were helping Luke fry some mushrooms and home-grown tomatoes. Loanlee ignored her and carried on walking straight into the kitchen, where she put two waffles in the grill and slumped emotionlessly against the larder while they were cooking.
"Sheesh, she's not a morning person, is she?" Souriee commented to nobody in particular.
"She's not an anytime person, really." Rebecca said, watching Loanlee glare coldly at her waffles.
"She normally gets up later, to avoid everyone rushing to the table for breakfast." said Nwacha, who was wearing a chef's hat that Sparky had put on his left ear. "Best to just leave her alone. Tomatoes anyone?"
"I love fried tomatoes!" gasped Bansra, rushing over and grabbing a plate, while Nwacha used a fish slice to serve some, while Bansra drooled happily. "They were cooked completely separately to the mushrooms, yes?"
"Of course." Luke said.
"What's wrong with mushrooms?" Souriee asked, serving himself a plateful of them.
"I have allergies."
"There you go." Nwacha said, putting a third fried tomato onto the baby Linoone's plate.
"Thanks!" she said, before rushing over to the table, which was rather busy, and sitting down and began shovelling the tomatoes into her mouth and a frightening speed.
"You'll choke." Hlìn said, looking over her newspaper to watch Bansra.
Rebecca wrinkled her nose, "How can you eat them just like that? Vegetables are horrible even with stuff, but just disgusting on their own!"
"Tomatoes are fruits." said Hlìn and Onett at the same time.
"Whatever." Rebecca shrugged, before helping herself to some toast, onto which she began spreading peanut butter.
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad." said Souriee wisely, through a mouthful of mushroms.
"Where'd you get that from?" Dracoru asked, sipping coffee.
"What? Oh, it's off one of Dannichu's fridge magnets." the Pikachu explained, dashing off into the kitchen and reappearing with a small magnet. "She says she has one for every occasion."
"And I'm inclined to agree." Dracoru commented, "She's got to have over a hundred of them."
"At least." said Luke, bringing a large plate of vegetarian sausages to the table, "They're all over the fridge, the dishwasher, the washing machine, the radiators…"
"Sianne's head…" Sarah laughed, casting her mind back to earlier that morning.
A little later, while everyone was still either eating their breakfast, reading a newspaper of some kind or clearing up, Sarah entered the dining room, wearing laboratory goggles on her forehead, holding a large box and looking immensely proud.
"Look!" she said, causing everyone at the table to turn their heads. She opened the box and took out a large lump of Swiss cheese with small tentacles. "I present to you… Brillig cheese!"
There was a mixed response from the table, some looking interested, others looking incredulous and Nwacha looked a tad scared.
The cheese jumped out of Sarah's fin-hand and began walking over the table sideways, like a crab, using its little blue tentacles. "It has been especially designed with my new species of Brillig cells so it can't mutate anything it comes into contact with, so there's no danger of a repeat of Monday!" she assured the more dubious Pokémon.
Everyone at the table and those in the kitchen gathered around the cheese to have a closer look. It was, without a doubt, an amazing piece of work, and everybody knew that Sarah spent a lot of effort trying to perfect her mutations and tasks of giving sentience to inanimate objects.
Suddenly, the light fixture, complete with Sianne, fell to the floor in the kitchen with an almighty crash. This sudden noise caused everyone to jump, especially Blaise, who was in the kitchen at the time. She yelped and her head and back flames suddenly flared up considerably. These flames hit Bansra, who was standing behind her. Bansra shrieked with the sudden pain and ran towards the sink, where she could cool down, but crashed into Deanna, who was trying to use Water Gun on her burns to ease them. This caused her Water Gun to totally misfire and hit Daigree in the face. Daigree was not amused and lunged at Deanna, who dodged, causing the attacking Sneasel's claws to come into sharp contact with Dracoru's back, who reared and roared in pain, lashing his tail, which hit Loanlee in the face. The Marowak tumbled backwards and hit into Rebecca, who was helping Bansra run her tail under the tap in the sink. The Jolteon, upon being hit by Loanlee, discharged a jolt of electricity out of a knee-jerk reaction, which shot up the sink and exploded the tap, the very same tap that Sianne had destroyed earlier that week. Water shot everywhere, including Hlìn's face, who shot a flame out of her nose as she was soaked with painful water. The fire hit the cheese straight on, and melted it into a little pool.
Luke ran over to a draw in the kitchen, took out a large cork and stuck it in the destroyed tap, ending the torrent of water shooting everywhere. All the shouting and screaming stopped. Sarah looked very angry at everyone, before glaring at Sianne, as it was her fault for the chain reaction that had led to the destruction of her masterpiece.
Sianne was sitting in the middle of the kitchen, right next to the broken light. Her fur was totally drenched thanks to the broken tap, but she was grinning happily despite the destruction around her. Sarah couldn't help but laugh. Nothing ever made Sianne depressed. Nevertheless, there was no way she was going to let her best friend get away with what she did, so she did what any Pokémon whose mutant cheese had been destroyed by her mentally deranged best friend would do; she challenged her to a battle.
Now, a Pokémon battle anywhere but the Lair of Insanity would normally consist of two trainers sending out one or two Pokémon and commanding then to perform various attacks and techniques until the opposing Pokémon had fainted. But since when had anything in the Lair of Insanity ever followed the rules of normality? Heck, they only just obeyed the laws of gravity.
Yup, there was only one kind of Pokémon battling in the Lair of Insanity.
Sarah took a step forward and glared at Sianne. Everyone knew what The Glare meant and took their seats at the table, some taking plates which could be used as shields, should the battle get too out of hand. Once seated, in height order (Sparky and Hypello at the front, Terra and Dracoru at the back) to ensure everyone got a decent view, everyone gazed at Sianne to see her response.
Typically, the response to a challenge was to also glare, or back down from the challenge. In the history of battles in the Lair of Insanity, nobody had ever backed down from a challenge, and the battles themselves had become one of the most popular forms of entertainment.
Sianne stood up and kicked the light fixture beside her, obviously trying to kick it out of the way. Unfortunately, it didn't budge, and Sianne's foot suddenly began hurting. So Sianne fried it with a Thunderbolt attack. Once the fixture had been reduced to ashes, Sianne took a step toward Sarah, leaving only a few feet between them, and glared right back, trying to grin and look threatening at the same time. And actually succeeding.
At this point, it was customary for all the spectators to elect a commentator and judge among themselves to ensure there was a fair fight. There were rules that had been laid down, all of which had to be obeyed (though, admittedly, most of them were things like "do not attack the opposing human/Pokémon/Pokémon-human mutation with a chainsaw"), and a referee was always needed in order to keep the battle totally clean. They went into a huddle and, after about three minutes' discussion, Terra was chosen as the referee. The Flygon was normally chosen, due to her love of all sports, understanding of all the rules and quick reactions (enabling her to step in should anything get out of hand).
Standing up, Terra walked over to the kitchen, which was to become the battlefield. All the cupboards and shelves were opened, to provide easy access to the food inside. Terra used her wings to blow away the ashes lying on the floor, that used to make up the light fitting, before reaching up to the top shelf of a cupboard and retrieving a whistle on a string and several brightly-coloured flags from there. Terra placed the whistle around her neck, and retreated to the dining room, standing beside the table. She then held up the green flag and blew on the whistle, the shrill sound signalling the start of the battle.
Sianne moved first, leaping onto the sideboard and grabbing a packet at random. It happened to contain jam tarts. Ripping open the packet, she hurled the tarts at her friend, who dodged about four. One, however, hit her directly in the face. Wiping the jam out of her eyes, Sarah ducked another assault of tarts and army-rolled over to another cupboard and grabbed a bag of self-rising flour. Sarah took a large handful of the flour and threw it at Sianne, blinding her. Using this to her advantage, she grabbed yet another packet off a shelf, this one a jar of piccalilli. Sarah unscrewed the lid as fast as she could, all the time Sianne was rubbing flour out of her eyes, and took a handful of the yellow substance before hurling it at Sianne. The Raichu, however, had by this time regained her vision, and dodged the attack. Sarah took another handful of the piccalilli and feigned a throw at Sianne, causing her to flinch out of reflex. Sarah then threw the gunk at Sianne for real, hitting her directly in the stomach, staining her pure-white belly yellow.
Sianne looked livid, so the reached into the nearest cupboard and grabbed the first thing she could – a tube of jellybeans. Opening the tube of sweets, the poured a few of them into her paw and hurled them at Sarah. The jelly sweets all hit their mark, a couple sticking to the jam still on her forehead, but not doing any real damage and only making Sarah more angry. Darting over to the freezer, Sarah took a packet of frozen peas from the top shelf and ripped them open. She shook the bag, sending them everywhere, but every one of them missed the Raichu. Sianne smirked and darted towards Sarah, armed with a packet of chocolate biscuits, but the frozen peas underfoot were like marbles – she slipped, slid and fell on her face. Sarah laughed triumphantly and ran over to the fridge, careful to avoid the peas, and seized two Chansey eggs. Sianne stood up and threw a few biscuits at Sarah, who dodged most of them, one making contact with her tail-fin, the other hitting her stomach. Sarah retaliated by throwing an egg at Sianne, who ducked to avoid it, but it smacked into the wall behind her, where it exploded and showered Sianne's back with egg.
The Pokémon sitting at the table were all watching with interest, not cheering or making any sort of noise; just watching the battle in total silence. Souriee came downstairs about three minutes into the fight, and silently drew up a chair to the table and began watching without disturbing anybody. Everybody was too transfixed on the flight to even notice.
The battle was getting more intense every moment. Sarah did what was referred to in the house as simply "a Sianne", which was swinging from a light fixture to get from one end of the room to the other. She grabbed the remaining light fitting (the first one had been reduced to dust), swung a few times, let go, landed on top of the oven and reached over to the breadbin. She seized the first thing she grabbed, which was a French stick.
"En Garde!" she yelled, wielding the baguette like a foil. Sianne saw the challenge, dropped the coffee whitener she was holding and grabbed a second French stick. The two mad Pokémon then circled each other, loaves poised. Sianne lunged at Sarah, but Sarah knocked the attack away using her bread stick. They then began swishing the French sticks, using them just as a warrior would use a sword, but suddenly, Sianne's French stick flopped like the stick of bread it was. Sarah laughed triumphantly and lunged at her friend, but Sianne was ready for her. She dropped her broken stick and did a backwards-somersault onto the kitchen sideboard, causing Sarah to hit the wall, breaking her bread in half.
Sianne danced over to where the pasta was kept and took a number of dried spaghetti sticks. Holding them in her left hand, she took one in her right and aimed it like a javelin at Sarah.
The shrill screech of a whistle caused the battle to suddenly freeze. Sianne looked over in the direction of the whistle-blowing and saw Terra waving a coloured flag in the air.
"That was dangerous!" Terra scolded, "Rule five-hundred and fifty-six: Use NO pasta item that may penetrate the skin!"
"Is that a penalty to Sarah then?" Agni asked.
Terra paused for a moment, replaying all the rules and regulations in her head. "Nope, not this time, as it wasn't a deliberate breaking of the rules. Next time, Sarah gets a penalty though. Okay?"
"'Kay…" Sianne said, looking disappointed.
Terra took all the long pieces of spaghetti out of her hand. Souriee then took
them, put then in a saucepan of water while the battle was still paused and put
the pan on a tripod over Hlìn's tail flame. The Charizard stared.
"What?" Souriee said, stirring the pan, "I haven't had any breakfast yet."
"Everyone ready?" Terra asked, shooting a sideways glance at Souriee, "Then let the battle resume!"
Now that Sianne was weaponless, Sarah used this to her advantage and ripped the lid off her tin of maple syrup. She dipped her hand into the sugary syrup and smeared it all down Sianne's back. Sianne glared and shook her new weapon; a can of aerosol cream. She sprayed it at full force at Sarah, who tried to dodge, but wasn't quick enough, resulting in the Marshtomp getting coated in the artificial cream. Sarah retaliated by throwing another handful of maple syrup at Sianne, which hit its mark; the top of Sianne's head.
Grinning manically, Sarah then dashed over to the pasta cabinet and seized two handfuls of rice. She threw them both at Sianne, not causing any damage at all, but instead getting stuck to her head and back, as they were covered in sticky syrup. Sianne glared at her friend and seized, from the fruit bowl, a banana. She peeled the banana with lighting speed and darted over to Sarah, leaping on her back. She then mashed it into Sarah's face. While Sarah struggled to get the fruit out of her eyes, Sianne licked her paws. "Mmm… banana…"
Sarah, once able to see again, grabbed a couple of tomatoes from the fridge and threw them both at Sianne. Sianne ducked the first, and it exploded above her head, still splattering her with juice. The other hit her on the arm and burst, shooting juice and seeds everywhere and giving the impression that the Raichu's arm was heavily bleeding.
Sianne ran over to the vegetable cabinet and took out an onion. She then threw it, not at Sarah, but directly on the floor, where it split open. The spectators sat, wondering what was going on, when Sianne seized a large bit of onion and threw it at Sarah using her tail. Sarah caught the onion and threw it aside, before advancing on Sianne. Sianne threw another piece of onion, and another and another, and each time Sarah threw it aside. The rest of the Lair of Insanity's inhabitants were very confused at this point. Then Sianne ran over to where the flour sack lay discarded and threw a handful at her friend. Sarah tried to wipe the flour out of her eyes. She then yelled out in pain. "Ow! My eyes!" As she realized her hands were covered in onion juice. Terra was about to call a penalty before realizing that Sianne had not done anything directly against the rules. Yelling, Sarah washed the onion off her fins using the utility room tap (the kitchen one had been destroyed), as special attacks were prohibited.
In the time it took Sarah to clean her eyes and fins, Sianne had dashed over to the freezer and seized a tub, this time containing toffee and fudge ice cream. Rebecca gasped at the thought of her beloved ice cream being thrown around, but she didn't say or do anything.
Sianne took a handful of the ice cream and hurled it at Sarah, which hit her straight in the belly, the force and coldness causing her to double over. Sianne hurled another dollop at her friend, much to Rebecca's horror, but Sarah dodged it with ease, having recovered from the first assault. Sarah seized the first thing she could; an apple out of the fruit bowl. She chucked it at Sianne, who was scooping out yet another blob of ice cream, and it hit her directly on the head. Sianne shook slightly before her eyes rolled and the slumped into the ice cream, unconscious.
Terra blew her whistle and held up a bright yellow flag, signifying Sarah's victory. Deanna rushed over with a Revive and Hyper Potion. She fed the little star-shaped vitamin to the unconscious Raichu and then sprayed her stirring body with the purple aerosol. Sianne sat up, looking miffed at having lost, but otherwise completely fine.
"Woot!" Sarah shouted, punching the air, seemingly unaware that she was completely covered in various foods from her head-fin to her toes. Deanna washed her off using a light Water Gun.
"Meh." Sianne said contemptuously, sticking her tongue out at Sarah.
"And," Terra said, handing Sianne a mop, "as the loser, it's your duty to clean up."
While the rules indeed stated that the loser was to clean up all mess caused by the food fight, this was rarely carried through; everyone helped clean up, as it was too much to ask for one person to clean up the apocalyptic scene caused by the food fight. This was the case, as, after about fifteen minutes of Sianne half-heartedly poking down pies from the ceiling using the mop-handle, Bansra, Hlìn, Souriee and Sarah among others joined in to help clear up. By the early afternoon, they had the kitchen back to the pristine state that it was usually in, if Luke had anything to do with it.
Finally, after about two hours of mopping, wiping, tiding and general cleaning, the kitchen was clean. During the time it had taken, Terra had flown Rebecca over to Lilycove, where they had bought more food to replace the bits that were dripping down the walls. After all the newly-bought food had been put away, Hlìn nudged Sianne towards Sarah.
"What is it?" Sarah asked, confused.
"Go on." Hlìn said, poking Sianne in the back.
"I'm sorry." Sianne said, not looking it.
"Say it like you mean it." Hlìn prompted.
"I'm… I'm sorry." Sianne said, her trademark grin dropping from her face for a second.
"That's okay." Sarah said, "the food fight was fun. And I won! Against you of all people. I never win food fights, and I beat Sianne!"
Souriee looked at Hlìn, expecting to say something about not being a bad winner, but the Charizard was silent. Souriee guessed it was that she thought it okay to let Sarah have her glory, especially since she rarely won anything against Sianne, particularly matches on the GameCube.
"I'll cream you on Melee though!" Sianne shouted in retaliation.
"You're on!" Sarah shouted back, either not understanding what she had just agreed to, or really thinking she was on a roll. Hlìn, Souriee, Bansra and Onett all sat down at the sparklingly clean table with mugs of hot chocolate when, precisely two minutes after Sarah and Sianne had turned on the GameCube, there was a loud Marshtomp cry of "Noooo…", which was nearly drowned out by Sianne's cries of victory.
Souriee stopped blowing his hot chocolate to make it cool faster and looked up, wincing. "If this causes another food fight we've gotta clean up after, I'm destroying that GameCube, no matter how many times Loanlee kills me for it…"
-- End of Part 6 --