Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.
Author's Notes: This is set in manga, before London was destroyed. Whatever coincidence bears to the real marriedpriests . org it's just that, a coincidence. Bear with me, it's not the real organization, not trying to bash their job or anything of sorts. doesn't allow to post the e-mail address that appears in the story, blame them. I dedicate this to SadMew.
Special Thanks: To Lillian Dashwood, tireless editor.Good Tidings
Enrico Maxwell's patience was waning. He had been waiting for almost an hour to be attended, and not even the bibles offered as a diversion could keep his attention span for very long. He had memorized the Holy Book when he was just an altar boy.
Enrico looked up when the door opened and a couple came out. The man that wore a priest's collar and was holding hands with a gorgeous redheaded woman who showed her cleavage without modesty. He grimaced. Sinners the lot of them. This place was encouraging lust among the clergy!
Tearing his eyes from the lady's chest, Enrico stood, pacing impatiently but forcing a charming smile towards the counselor. "Good afternoon," he greeted, inclining his head.
"Good afternoon. You may come in now, Father Maxwell."
The woman opened the door, gesturing for him to come inside the office. Enrico glanced at her, recognizing the British accent in her voice. She was short and plump; even her glasses and blonde hair couldn't be confused by that insufferable Protestant.
"Why, thank you, Miss…," Enrico wondered aloud as he walked towards the desk, gazing at the office. The room was small, full of saint figurines and crosses and a strong aroma of incense. He wrinkled his nose. He had always disliked it during masses. After the counselor sat down, he followed suit, taking a seat opposite to hers.
"Marie Staubert," the counsel replied whilst rising the pot to fill her teacup. "Tea? Biscuits?" she asked, rising the pot to fill her teacup. Tea, great. It reminded him to the sow. Better to keep focused on the business at hand.
"No thanks," Enrico shook his head, leaning back in his chair.
Marie brought the teacup to her lips.
"I apologize for making you wait, but you hadn't made an appointment with us…" she frowned, furrowing her eyebrows in puzzlement. "How did you find this building without previous contact. We're quite reserved for obvious reasons…"
Enrico waved his hand apologetically. His features darkened in pain and visible frustration. "It was my mistake, Miss Staubert… I didn't mean to be rude in coming here unannounced but… this issue is haunting me and I'm confused about what to do and how to act…"
The counsel offered him an empathetic smile. "I see… Don't worry. In Married Priests, we offer support to the religious men who are struggling between mandatory celibacy and their romantic attachments. For the right price… And where's the lucky lady?"
"In her home, I suppose," Enrico replied, uncomfortable.
"Does she know about your visit to us?"
"Are you planning to tell her?"
"No, our conversations are hardly pleasant most of the time."
"Does she share your feelings?"
Enrico nodded, "Of course she does…" he assured her. Disgust, hatred, some degree of respect, he reminded himself. He wasn't lying; no commandment was broken.
"What's the problem in confessing your feelings?"
The woman started to chew her pen. It unnerved Enrico to no end. Nasty habit.
"Well, she's Protestant and dislikes Catholics… I return the courtesy."
Marie's smile widened. "Ah. A Romeo and Juliet kind of love. Fascinating…"
"Well, what can I say?" Enrico gave a slight shrug, "I'm Italian…"
Marie laughed at that, and Enrico winced. She was noisy creature. "Do you have her e-mail address? We'll contact her for you… " she suggested, solicitous while turning on her computer.
Maxwell peered to steal a glance at the computer screen. The counselor hadn't written her password yet. He sighed, straightening his posture. Some minutes more and this farce would be over. He must stand strong.
"Of course," Enrico cleared his throat, adjusting his collar. "It's ihellsing.hellsing. org.uk… Her name is Integral…" He prayed to God the woman wouldn't be able to send the e-mail.
"Right, just wait," Marie typed her user name and the password, accessing to the system. Enrico's eyes gleamed in victory, and he waited… Nothing happened. For God's sake! Where were they?!
Marie, meanwhile, kept herself busy writing the mail, "Any special farewell?"
Enrico stood. They were late, and this couldn't continue any longer. "Yes," he smiled slyly, "For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven." He quoted Matt before he pulling out a cross from his coat and, to the counselor's amazement, pressed it to his lips.
"Celibacy is an important Catholic institution this…is a mockery of the Vatican's efforts," Enrico pressed the center of the cross, the sharp edge of a dagger appeared in one of the sides of the cross. He smirked to see the woman rising, eyes widen in fear. "Or do you think me so stupid as to fall for Delilah's charms? We learnt our lesson."
"Security!" she called out at the same time Enrico threw the dagger at her throat, piercing her vocal cords. She chocked on blood.
"At last she shut up… Noisy woman," Enrico sighed, pushing the woman from the chair as she slowly bled to death. Aided by a handkerchief, he cleaned the blood from the desk and keyboard. He needed the list of names and other motherhouses to eradicate each of them from the face of the Earth, and he wasn't touching her heathen blood. Making profit while convincing priests to break their vows. Disgusting.
Suddenly the door flew open, Enrico heard the click of a gun, and he lifted his gaze.
"Prepare to receive the divine…!" Heinkel cut her speech, her finger relaxed on the trigger of her Desert Eagles. "Chief?"
"Late, Sister Heinkel, Sister Takagi…" Enrico smirked, twitching his brows. "Tsk, what happened? I had to do it myself…"
Yumiko stepped inside the office, behind her partner. "Sorry… we were detained…" she commented nervously, playing with her veil.
"Detained?! Detained by whom? Explain yourselves, sisters."
Heinkel blushed, looking away. "Ve confused the room and got into a meeting of couples… Everyone started to praise how daring ve vere for defying both regulations. They thought I vas a man…"
"WHAT?!" Enrico slammed his fists on the keyboard, angry for the suggestion of such a perversion. "What happened next?"
Yumiko gulped, peering above Heinkel's shoulder. "One gave me a pat on the back… with too much strength… made my glasses fall off…"
"You vere lucky they didn't shatter vith the fall," Heinkel commented before smirking darkly, lowering her shades to show a fanatical glint on her eyes. "They veren't as lucky around Yumi…"
Enrico's features relaxed into an expression akin to glee. "Well… traitors didn't deserve another fate… Good work… Despite your failure in your original assignment," he complimented to both nuns' relief. "Wait outside. I need to gather information and then we'll leave…" he ordered, focusing once more in the computer. His face paled some shades. Uh Oh. This is bad.
"Chief? Is there something wrong?" Yumiko asked, curious.
Enrico stepped back, hands shaking a bit, sweat traveling down his temple. Smiling nervously, he said, "Tell Father Renaldo, I won't receive Hellsing's calls for at least two weeks… That I'm indisposed. That whatever doubt she has, it's for creating good tidings between our organizations."
The pair blinked, confused. They weren't aware that Enrico had accidentally hit the enter key when he slammed his hands on the keyboard, sending the message to the Hellsing's leader.
Meanwhile, in her office, Integral Hellsing almost choked on her Earl Grey after reading her latest e-mail.