Title: The Ugly Stepsister

Author: Hawk Clowd

Disclaimer: I don't own them, nor do I particularly want them. I'm sure the boys will understand.

Blood Type: Strawberry Sno-Cone Syrup, because it tastes like cough medicine.

Warnings: There aren't many... You're smart. You'll figure them out as you go.

Archived: All the usual places--The Fish Pond, , my livejournal, and , to name a few. I do not do free archiving, and will be seriously pissed if I find that someone has been hosting any of my stuff without my permission.

Author's Note: I totally wrote this one at work, and I think it shows. Boo to poor quality stories written while the author was otherwise occupied! Also, thanks go out to Joan for thinking up a title! You rock, Joan.


That morning, Yuki Eiri woke up in the bed of a strange woman. Not strange as in quirky, although that was still yet to be determined, but strange in that he couldn't really recall ever seeing her before in his life. Despite this oddity, Eiri did not panic, instead rationalizing the situation. This was not a first time thing for him, after all; he'd woken up in dozens upon dozens of strange beds back in the day, and he usually couldn't remember how he'd managed to arrive there. It usually involved a lot of alcohol and sex, however, and the former was definitely a factor in this one. His head ached pretty badly and he was a touch woozy. Anyway, all of those times had been before he'd met--

Shuichi. Damn it.

Eiri glanced around the room, confirming that it was not his own, and then tried to figure out how badly Shuichi would be freaked out at that point in time. Since he had not heard his cell phone ring yet, he guessed that Shuichi, who had been scheduled to return from a tour the previous afternoon, had spent the night elsewhere and didn't yet know that the writer was gone. With any luck, Eiri could keep it that way. He started to get out of the bed, only barely registered the fact that he was still fully clothed, and then paused as he heard a voice.

"Hi there, cutie."

Eiri twisted at the waist so that he could look at the woman with whom he had spend the night. She was young, probably only nineteen or twenty, and she had rather androgynous features, not to mention awful hair--it was stringy and unkempt. She was a redhead, a colour Eiri usually liked, but it was probably not natural. She wore quite a bit of makeup, and it appeared to Eiri that she had put it on while standing on her head and juggling a monkey. It looked as though she had a fairly nice set of tits underneath her surprisingly chaste negligee, which was a plus, but she was a bit too well muscled for his tastes, more like a young man than a girl.

"There's a lot to be said for beer goggles," he muttered.

The woman--girl?--heard him, and that seemed to fluster her momentarily. "Now, that's not nice, cutie. Especially after I let you stay the night. Poor dear, you were in no shape to walk home," she said wistfully. "But don't worry; we didn't do anything naughty."

That, at least, was good. Eiri rubbed the back of his head. There was a sizeable knot there. "Did I hit my head?"

The woman nodded. "Sort of. I had to get you here somehow, after all..."

Eiri stared at her. So, the lady was a loony. Fantastic.

After a few moments of his bewildered staring, the woman laughed. "I kid, I kid!" she assured him, raising one hand to cover her mouth as she giggled. She had gaudy red press-on nails. "I met you at the bar last night. You got very drunk and I was helping you home, but you passed out and hit your poor little head, so I brought you back to my place to sleep it all off!" She continued laughing.

Eiri tried to remember the last time he'd actually been drunk enough to pass out, but he could not. He guessed that his swooning spell had been more a result to his having stayed up nights to write, but it didn't really matter. He was also having trouble remembering the last time he'd willingly gone--alone--to a bar. The most recent time he could remember had been almost a full two years back.

Well, he decided, mustering up some of his infamous charm and using it to get away from the woman couldn't hurt at all...

"Thank you for your generosity," he managed. "I appreciate it, especially from a beautiful... person such as yourself. However, I should probably go before my lover notices I'm away and starts to--"

He was going to say 'panic and call the police', but the woman interrupted him with a wail. Taken aback, Eiri could only stare as tears began to pour down her face in rivers.

"You have a girlfriend?" she asked between sobs. "That's not faaaaiiiiiiir! I wanted to have a little bit of fun with you and you're so pretty!"

Eiri forced himself to stop staring at the woman. Not only was that the most inane reason for sex that he'd ever heard, but there was really a female in Japan who had not heard of the Yuki Eiri and Shindou Shuichi love affair? Eiri was too stunned to decide whether he should be grateful or insulted. He was leaning more toward grateful, but he settled with amazed.

"I'm going to leave," he mumbled, standing up and heading for the door. The woman ran over and blocked his way.

"Please, not yet! I..." The woman flushed. "You've a very attractive man and I don't know exactly how attached you are to your girlfriend, but I bet you I'm a lot better in bed than she is!"

"That's not hard," Eiri murmured under his breath. The woman's eyes flashed at that, perhaps in triumph. He considered her. "Why do you think I should cheat on my lover for the likes of you?"

"I'll give you anything you want! Money, power, coffee laced with ketamine... Anything! And I'll never say a word to anyone about it! Think of it as... as a game!"

That was probably the weakest argument Eiri had ever heard, but what the hell? He knew for a fact that Shuichi had been fooling around a little while on his band tours, something Eiri didn't really blame him for, so who was to say that Eiri could not do the same? Besides, it had been a long while since he'd last 'been allowed' to feel up a chick, and he was long overdue.

Okay, even Eiri knew that his own reasons were probably worse than the woman's, but he was a touch horny and he didn't particularly care.

"Fine," he said, after a long moment of contemplation.

The next thing he knew, she had jumped him, stripped off his shirt, and was slowly teasing various parts of his chest. When she tweaked one of his nipples, he let out an involuntary moan. She wasn't half bad, he had to admit--better than the brat he called his lover--but she wasn't the best he'd ever had, either.

After a while, Eiri got bored with being played with, so he reached over and began to massage the tips of her breasts with his thumbs. Or, at least, that's what he'd meant to do.

Eiri frowned and looked down at what his hands were trying to grope. "What the fuck did you stuff these with, birdshot?" he asked. He reached down the negligee and took out one swelled balloon.

The "woman" balked and drew back. "Yuki, you weren't supposed to do that!"

"Well, if you come back from a goddamn tour and want me to role-play this shit just because you 'picked up a trick or two', you could at least try for a bit of realism, and tell me who you learned this shit from in the first place," Eiri retorted. He squeezed the balloon as if to demonstrate, and it didn't give at all to the pressure. "This is like fondling a rock. Girls have soft tits. Don't you know anything?"

"I don't go around fondling girls' breasts," Shuichi protested, pulling his face into a pout and taking back the makeshift breast Eiri had stolen. "Will you please do this right?"

Eiri grumbled. "I didn't realize there was a right way to pretend to be cheating on your lover," he told the younger man with a grimace. "What did you fill those things with?"

Shuichi flushed and adjusted his wig. "Yuki, can't a girl have any secrets?"

"Yes, but you are not a chick, you dummy--the tits of granite are proof enough of that. You're just some whacko queer man with the strangest kinks in the world," Eiri muttered. When he saw Shuichi's pout, he sighed. "Are we starting over, then?"

Still made up in his feminine disguise--bad makeup, mystery balloon boobs, and all--Shuichi nodded. "Please? I really want to show you what I learned while I was away. And I rented this hotel room for it to seem realer and everything, so we might as well put it to good use!"

Eiri wordlessly took a shot of the vodka, which Shuichi had set on the dresser opposite the bed. The writer forced himself not to wonder how Shuichi had picked up these new tricks of his even though the singer swore that he had not let anyone touch him aside from Eiri himself. He didn't bother to linger on the fact that it had all been Shuichi's idea, and he didn't let himself think about where the singer had found that negligee. It didn't really matter. Instead, he began to replay the story in his head.

That morning, Yuki Eiri woke up in the bed of a strange woman...

---the end---