Notes: Characters copyright to J.K. Rowling, except the new "addition." Ooh, WHO COULD IT BE?! Please note that future content may offend... so if you're easily offended, or epileptic, please stop reading for your own health and safety. Enjoy!

Further notes: I wrote this story several years ago, basically for a few friends, about one particular friend. So, I apologize for missed references-- this is a great deal an "inside joke" story. However, I do lampoon other such self-insertion fanfics, as well as parodying the basic Harry Potter world. And with that, I hope you find some enjoyment in this story! Thanks for stopping by!

Harry had arrived at Hogwarts for his sixth and…. final?!?… year. Because of the past year's events, which don't need retelling, or you shouldn't be in the Harry Potter section, Harry had been heavily protected. I can't reveal what exactly had happened to him in the summer, how he was protected, or how he got to Hogwarts without talking to Hermoine or Ron... but he did. With the thoughts of his overprotection in his head, Harry arrived in the Great Hall much earlier then anyone else. He had a guilty feeling of superiority for his special treatment, but that didn't overpower him as much as his eagerness to see what Slytherins hadn't been pulled out of Hogwarts over the summer. It was rumored that Pansy Parkinson would be the first not returning.

As carriages pulled by really ugly horses arrived at the gates of Hogwarts, Harry sat in a seat at the Gryffindor table. He noticed several regal looking witches and wizards positioned at all doors. They were dressed in what looked like military uniform in the form of robes. There must have been ten to each door, with twenty or so patrolling the Great Hall.

"Blimey!" Harry exclaimed more in an Australian dialect than English. "They made a great deal to keep Hogwarts secure... but do they really think this will stop Voldemort?"

"Talking to yourself, Potter?" Severus Snape said quietly behind Harry. "I understand a lack of contact with your friends would cause a problem. But is it necessary to satisfy your constant need for attention by showering it upon yourself?"

"Um... No." Harry said, wishing more then ever he could have arrived normally, avoiding conversations with professors-- particularly Snape.

"I will not start off a most likely difficult year with your insolence. 50 points from Gryffindor."

"School hasn't even started yet! How can you take away points?!"

"Because I'm me. Do please continue with that tone. Your house should enjoy having negative points before they even come through those doors."

Harry muttered something under his breath, but before Snape could press further-- obviously being free of nothing to do--, Professor McGonagall stepped forward.

"Potter, I had sent Professor Snape over to bring you to me... but obviously he had something else to tell you?"

Snape sneered, which caused a rather large booger to drip out of his nose. He quickly turned and walked away without a word. A large puddle of snot was left in his wake.

"Potter, there was more than the... obvious reasons, why you were brought earlier then the other students." Professor McGonagall said stuffily.

"…?" Harry said.

"Harry, although it is rarely... basically never done, we have gotten an exchange student to Hogwarts. You might wonder why at such a paranoid and difficult time we'd allow someone in, but we have good reason. This student is from the Philippines… well, America, actually. She is here to aid in your added protection. Don't give me that look, you can't be so thick as to think you haven't proven you need it. She's the equivalent of our very own Hermoine Granger in grades, and has a wide knowledge of martial arts. She'll be continuing her studies here, and we have other reasons for her exchange."

"Well... ok." Said Harry, a little thunderstruck. "What other reasons?"

"Don't be pert, Potter. Those need not concern you." She replied. "Goodness, I'm already late for the first years. Before I go..." McGonagall said hurriedly, turning around. She turned around, bringing someone forward.

"Harry Potter, meet April Garcia."

"Hiiii guys!"

... To be continued!

Note: Ummm... yeah. This is kind of one of those "insiders" you hate to read, because you don't know what the hell's going on. But... too bad! It's not supposed to be serious, so don't start ranting that "THIS COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAPPEN. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING." I know, it's not supposed to be... legit. Actually, though, go ahead and flame that way, because at least I'll get a review! But... thanks for reading! Sorry if this has offended anyone, but none-the-less, thanks for reading and please R&R.

(Revised 11/24/07)