Harry Potter and the Average Asian
A cold fear gripped Harry. He felt his face go pale, his body shake, and his glasses tremble. He had never felt such terror before.
"Snort" The figure of the Z-Man said, striking even more terror into Harry's heart. He honestly had never felt so scared in his life.
"Scared, Potter?" Z-Man asked, sneering and sniffling.
"F!" Came a scream from beside the sixteen year old boy. April had stubbed her toe.
Z-Man appeared entranced by the young Asian. His already pinkish face flushed, and he adjusted his glasses.
"Er, I uh, see you wear glasses?" Harry said, trying to appear fearless.
Z-Man adjusted his glasses non-chalantly, pushing them up the bridge of his nose with his thumb. "No really, do I? Thanks for telling me that Potter." The horrible villain said sarcastically, continuing to stare at April.
Then something caught Harry's eye. Was Z-Man…?
"Master…" Voldemort hissed from Z-Man's side.
"WHAT?" Z-Man squeaked irritably. He was now grinning quite stupidly at April, who was now staring off into space.
Voldemort whispered to Z-Man something. Harry guessed it was what he was thinking, since Z-Man blushed bright red.
Z-Man had a bon-
"Er, excuse me?" Harry said.
"What is it?" Z-Man squealed, sticking his hand in his pocket.
"Do you ever think about it?" April piped in.
"Think about what?"
"You know…" Harry said, motioning to his crotch. He then wiggled his finger and began pumping it into his hand. Z-Man appeared confused.
"Wanking?" Voldemort piped in helpfully. Harry grinned, "Yes, thank you. Do you, Z-Man?"
While this exchange was going on, Z-Man's face had become so red, that Ron's hair looked gray in comparison. "What are you all talking about!" Z-Man snorted.
"Master…" Voldemort said to Z-Man.
"Bation?" April said, interrupting happily.
Z-Man could take no more. "SO WHAT IF I DO?"
Voldemort looked taken aback. Harry grimaced as he got the mental image. April giggled and picked a piece of rice from her robes, while thinking about eels in caves.
"There's no shame in it, it's perfectly healthy!" Remus Lupin said matter-of-factly. "Why, I do it all the time!"
"I do too…" Harry said, blushing. "In fact, I was doing it before I came here…"
"Really!" April said, smiling widely. "So was I! I like to think about things in Church." She said, smiling.
"I like to think about Asians." Harry said, blushing, hoping April wouldn't catch on.
"I think about sex during my Death Eater meetings. Lucius' hair is quite fetching behind his mask…" Voldemort admitted. Peeping down his robe, he sighed dramatically. "It's a shame I'm missing some things with this new body…"
"I think I'm so horny because of all that chocolate I eat," Lupin noted thoughtfully.
"Hey, Lupin, when did you get here?"
Draco, as seen in the previous chapter, had taken his own life.
That's right; he had taken his own life and changed it around! Draco finally found his true self, and got rid of his old ways. He was currently dancing arm-in-arm with Ron, while Dean and Seamus did the same with each other. Neville sat forlornly in a corner, apparently sharting himself.
"Wow, Draco, I didn't know you were such a dancer!" Dean laughed, while twirling Seamus in a circle. Seamus giggled.
"Well, you learn more than just murdering and pillaging during the Death Eater meetings!" Draco cheered, continuing his jig with Ron.
Ron blanched slightly at the Death Eater reference, but happily looped his arms around Draco, beginning to dance cheek to cheek.
A little while after their dancing, they grew tired and rested by standing still. Ron then began to feel a little queasy.
"You guys?" He questioned uneasily. "Does this mean we're…gay?"
Seamus nodded happily, while the others looked equally uneasy.
"Bunch of arse bandits." Neville said disgustedly, before jumping out the window.
"WE DID IT HARRY, WE DID IT!" April said gleefully! She, Harry Potter, and Professor Remus Jollywollywankins Lupin stood over the pile of clothes that once belonged to Z-Man. Having been completely overtaken with embarassment, Z-Man had exploded and Voldemort had promptly fled.
Harry at once broke into sobs. His success in defeating such a dark wizard had left him both triumphant and emotionally traumatized. He didn't think he could ever fully masturbate again. Well, at least not for a day or so.
April put her arm around him as he began to cry more. "It's alright, Harry, it's alright…"
"BUT HE WAS THEIR FRIEND. HE WAS THEIR FRIEND."
April stared at him. Harry looked puzzled, and then a look of realization hit him.
"Oh, I mean…CEDRIIIIIIIIIIIIIC. No?" Harry said, still seeing her puzzled look. "Am I on the wrong book?"
April's eyes went wide, and shook her head, hoping Harry's insanity wouldn't lead to violence.
And with that, they walked into the sunset, leaving Lupin to prod Z-Man's clothes with his shoe.
At the end of the year feast, Dumbledore thanked and congratulated Harry Potter on having defeated the dark wizard Z-Man, who no one had ever heard of, and for rescuing countless students that no one had particularly missed. He also said thank you to April for having stayed at Hogwarts for the year, and protecting Harry Potter. April giggled loudly in reply, spooning peanut butter onto her plate.
And soon, the feast came to an end, as did Harry's 6th year. Harry looked back and reflected on the past year. He had discovered that Snape was a vampire after necking with him, that Ginny was even more annoying than he had previously thought, never to leave his lubricant out, and to never stay in a room alone with Ron. They all also discovered that Neville could fly, after he jumped out their dormitory window and promptly flew to Azerbaijan and back. When the four other boys in the dormitory that day were asked why Neville jumped out the window in the first place, no one ever could answer. Blushes and the appearance of a hard-on were usually the response.
On Platform 9 ¾ the morning Hogwarts was officially dismissed, Harry finally got up the nerve to tell April how he felt for her all year.
"Coughlookoverhere." Harry coughed. April looked at him.
"Bless you, Harry." She smiled.
Harry's liver fluttered. "Well, I didn't actually sneeze, but thank you April…I have something to tell you." Harry took a deep breath. "I…"
"HARRY, GET OUT OF BED!" Ron shouted. Harry rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand.
"Bloody hell, Ron! I was just about to tell April that I fancied her!" Harry shouted.
"Are you off the mickey? It's not April, it's only September!" Ron said, dancing around naked in attempts to quickly find underwear.
Harry then realized he was in his bed at Grimmauld Place. Looking at a calendar on the wall, he discovered it was September 1st; the first day of school.
Harry felt like crying. Had he just dreamed his whole last year? There was no April…
"Hurry up, Harry! We're going to be late!" Ron shouted.
"What's the point Ron? I already did my 6th year in my head!" Harry said, wiping at furious tears.
Ron blanched, tugging his pants on as he toppled over a nearby chair. "Oh, er, well, that's nice Harry, but we already did our 6th year outside of our heads, remember?" Ron said, wording his question as if Harry was a 5 year old.
Harry then threw the sheets off his bed, sitting upright. "YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING INTO OUR 7th YEAR?"
Ron stopped his constant tumbling about the room in search of clothes to look at Harry. "Harry, are you retarded?"
Harry shot a look at him. "So…is April still here?"
Ron raised an eyebrow, twisting his face into a grimace. "Blimey Harry, maybe if you hadn't slept through the whole summer, you wouldn't have to ask me so many questions…"
"HARRY!" Said a small Asian, appearing and toppling Harry back onto his pillow.
"ACK!" Ron yelled from the chair he was currently laying horizontally across. He hastily attempted to hide any of his jigglybits still poking from the top of his jeans.
"APRIL!" Harry said, enveloping her in a hug. "Are you still coming back to Hogwarts?"
"Yes, I'm your new Sex-Ed professor!" She said happily.
"Er…?" Harry questioned seriously, before April's stair grew more serious then even his. She shot a covert look at Ron, then slid Harry a folded piece of paper. "This is for you."
Harry's left eyebrow shot into his hair. "Well, I assumed…" Unfolding it, he gasped.
Drawn onto the paper was a pair of beady, sinister eyes, with the handwriting underneath saying…
I don't masturbate. Please stop bringing it up. Stop bringing it up! Okay! It's over, stop bringing it up alright? VOLDEMORT STOP TICKLING ME THERE.
Note: I may or may not add an epilogue. I might do that just for a longer author's note, since this story has been with me for well over a year. This chapter was part of a Christmas present for my dear old chap, Kristin, who you may find on here as bonkythedinosaur. She writes real good stuff, I suggest you check her out. ;) But yes, Merry Christmas Kristin Potter! And Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope you all enjoyed the ride on this horrible parody. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!