First off, legal stuff: I do not own Hogan's Heroes, Raphael from the Ninja Turtles OR Jeff's dog, Ajax. Please don't sue me.

This is yet another response to the Plot Bunnies challenge that have appeared on Smartgroups. Like any bunny, these plot bunny stories are multiplying at an alarming rate. G Enjoy!!


It was a dark and stormy night and the prisoners of Stalag 13 were all huddled in their barracks, seeking shelter against the fierce weather which was threatening to blow over their barracks like the Big Bad Wolf blew over the Little Pig's Straw house...

"Hold on a minute," Senior POW Officer Hogan spoke up, "It's not night, it's not dark and it's not stormy! It's a nice sunny afternoon. And what is with that horribly run on sentence???"

"I think we've got another fanfic author dealing with plot bunnies, sir," Lt. Kinch replied.

"Another one? I thought that last guy and his dog got rid of all of the plot bunnies. Who is this one, now?" Hogan looked at the piece of paper that had appeared in his hand suddenly. "Erin? What other stories has this one written?"

Kinch looked over Hogan's shoulder at the piece of paper. "Says here...cartoon shows?"

Hogan was just about to comment when a humanoid turtle in a red mask ran through, muttering something about "damned cameo appearances". Hogan & Kinch watched him leave before returning to their conversation.

"I do NOT even want to know what that was." Hogan stated, "This is just great. It's bad enough when the authors are at least familiar with writing for us. This guy writes about...turtles?"

"And ducks, sir. And...she's a girl, Colonel," Kinch replied.

"Girl? That's a girl's name?" Hogan shrugged his well-muscled shoulders, displaying the manly physique that made girls swoon. "Ok, ok, I get the idea that you're a girl, no need to go overboard. And what's this under her name? MoCC? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hmm, it says here it means "Member of the Carter Collective", sir. A group of fans that seem to favour Carter."

"Bloody 'ell," Newkirk lamented, "His fans have a name?"

"I have fans?" Carter looked a little bewildered by it all. He looked towards Newkirk. "Since when do you lament?"

"Since this story, apparently, Andrew."

"What about my fans?" LeBeau asked.

"They're a very small group, Louis," Newkirk chuckled.

"Ha ha, very funny, Newkirk."

"Small group. Ha ha ha. That IS funny, Newkirk!" Schultz chimed in.

The group of prisoners turned to look at Schultz who had suddenly appeared in the barracks.

"Where'd you come from, Schultz?" Carter asked, confused but in an adorable way.

"Oh, yeah," Hogan muttered, "A Carter fan..."

"I came in on the Plot Bunny," the guard replied.

"That must have been one bloody huge bunny," Newkirk muttered.

"Hmph. Jolly joker." As fast as he appeared, Schultz disappeared again. Hogan shook his head and sighed.

"Oh no! If I'm going to start sighing in this story, I'm walking out! I sighed enough in that other Plot Bunny story to last me for the next 15 stories!" Hogan glared, as if looking through the computer monitor at the writer. "I'm serious! I'll walk out! I'll escape! I'll..."

The scene suddenly shifted away from Hogan as Newkirk turned to Kinch. "So, did London give us our instructions for our latest mission yet, Kinch?"

"Not yet, Newkirk. They said they'll have the information later on this evening."

"Which was a dark and stormy evening, right?" Just as Carter said it, a thunderclap sounded, immediately followed by a flash of lightning. Carter beamed, happy that his sound effects were back. LeBeau looked at the sergeant and shook his head.

"Don't start that again, Andre," he warned. He was about to continue when the door to the barracks opened.

"Dark and stormy." Carter said quietly, lending a bit of dramatic effect to Klink's entrance. Colonel Klink turned and looked outside quickly, wondering where the thunder & lightning were coming from.

"I wonder where that thunder and lightning is coming from?" he asked.

"Didn't you just think that, sir?" Kinch queried.

"Don't blame me, tell the author to concentrate more on what's left of this story and less on that bowl of popcorn. Where's Colonel Hogan? I must speak with him immediately. There are strange things happening here."

On the words "strange things", some dramatic organ music came up. Newkirk clamped his hand over Carter's cute mouth, in anticipation of more weather related sounds.

"You've got me putting my hand over his "Cute" mouth?" Newkirk hastily removed his hand from Carter's mouth. "Blimey, that's all we need is for people to start thinking this is a slash fic."

"What's a slash fic?" Carter asked. All of the guys just shook their heads, none of them having the heart to tell him. Seeing that they weren't going to say, he turned towards the computer monitor and prepared to ask the author. His face quickly registered shock, as the definition was suddenly implanted in his mind.

"Mon dieu," LeBeau stated, "That is certainly an easier way of doing things. With an author like that, we could end the war immediately!"

"Or all end doing cartwheels across the English Channel," Newkirk muttered, "Just let things run their course naturally, Louis."

"Are you all finished?" Klink was beginning to get exasperated. "I need to see Hogan!"

Everyone looked around the room, wondering why Colonel Hogan hadn't spoken up. They were shocked and amazed to see him standing off to the side, frozen in place, as if he'd said the wrong thing to someone who had control over his every move.

"Wow," Carter said, "I am shocked and amazed!" He paused, and then glared. "Come on, boy, err, girl, even I wouldn't say something that sounded so stupid. I thought you were my fan!"

Everyone suddenly found themselves backward in time by about ten seconds. Once again, they noticed Hogan, frozen, blah blah blah.

"I wonder what happened to him," Carter mused. "It's as if he's been left hanging by some great force that we should never tamper with." He grinned and nodded, approving the script change. "Hey, this is neat. So THIS is what it feels like to muse!"

LeBeau leaned over by Kinch & Newkirk. "First he takes most of the lines, now he's taking my musing. Sacre blue, it's becoming obvious who's the star of THIS story, isn't it?" The other two nodded.

"Hey, it could be worse," Kinch said, "at least we're getting lines. It's not too often that we're getting more of the story than Colonel Hogan."

Klink walked over to Hogan and continued to look him over. "This is very strange," he muttered, scowling when the dramatic organ music came up, followed by thunder and lightning. Everyone turned to Carter.

"I didn't do it, this time," he protested, "I'm innocent." He looked up to see a dog run past, with a note on his collar - "My name is Ajax and it IS a dark and stormy night". Everywhere the dog ran, thunder and lightning sounded.

"Look, missy," Newkirk worked hard not to start yelling, "If you keep overusing that effect people are going to get bored with it and stop reading your story. Provided they haven't stopped already."

Ajax's sign suddenly changed to "Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting plot bunnies". Everyone in the barracks heaved a sigh of relief. As if on cue, Colonel Hogan suddenly came to life.

"..go right out the tunnel and escape..." Hogan did an anime blinkblink expression, suddenly noticing Klink standing in front of him. Realizing what he'd just done, he quickly dashed into his office to check that his eyes hadn't suddenly become huge Japanese animation style eyes. When he was satisfied that the slightly crazy author hadn't changed his eyes, he wandered back out to where the others were.

"Colonel Klink, when did you drop by? To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"

Klink forgot all about his original reasons for coming in to see Hogan and focused on what Hogan had said. "Hogan...what's this about a tunnel?"

"Tunnel? No, I didn't say anything about a tunnel, I said "Chunnel"."

"I distinctly heard you use the word tunnel, Hogan."

"No no no, it was Chunnel. You see, LeBeau & Newkirk were discussing how much time it takes to get between France & England over the English Channel and Carter suggested that they could build a tunnel under the water to save time. Kinch laughed at that idea and called it a "Chunnel", then I said I could use it to escape from the war."

"AHA! So you DO plan to escape, Hogan!"

"Sure, I do, Commandant. As soon as we chunnel from here to France and then from France to England. Say, would you like to be the first person to use our Chunnel? I might even let you use it for free, seeing as how you're such a good guy and all." As he spoke, Hogan draped his arm over Klink's shoulder and gently began steering the slightly befuddled German toward the door. "Now, all I need from you are about ten thousand shovels, so we can start digging now. Can you have them ready for us tomorrow, sir?"

Klink looked at Hogan as if he'd lost his mind. "Colonel try my patience...".

Hogan smiled, pleased that things had started to return to state of normalcy.

"Which state is Normalcy, near, Kinch?" Carter whispered.



Hogan shook his head, then looked back to Klink. "Now, about those shovels..."

--- FINI ---

(We can only hope so, anyway)