Legal: I still don't own Hogan's Heroes or Jeff's dog, Atlas.
More fun with those wild and crazy Plot Bunnies! Dangit, those people on Smartgroups just need to mention Plot Bunnies once, and they just run rampant, don't they? ;-)
Invasion of The Bunny Snatchers
Chapter 2: One Bunny to Save Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them
The four Heroes stood around Barracks 2. There was a strong sense of bewilderment as they all just stood there, wondering what was going to happen next.
"That sure makes us sound stupid, doesn't it?" Kinch queried quietly about the quartet's quaint quandary.
"Ooh, nice use of alliteration, Kinch," Carter said.
"Alliteration?" Newkirk asked, "I thought that was when a sound that something makes is the name of the item."
"Non, mon ami," LeBeau replied, "that's onomatopoeia."
"On a mat a pee-a? I think the puppy I had as a boy used to do that." Carter chimed in.
"Chime! That's an example of onomatopoeia!" LeBeau said, choosing to ignore Carter's puppy dog comment, in the hopes that it would derail a "Carter ramble".
"He was such a cute puppy," Carter continued, "mostly brown, big eyes, floppy ears. He had a black patch over his right eye, so we named him Plank."
Newkirk had been trying to ignore Carter, hoping that it might stop Carter, until he heard the last comment. "Why on earth would you name him Plank because of a black eye patch? Sounds like he looked like a pirate"
"He did. Exactly like a pirate."
"So, why didn't you name him Blackbeard or something?" Newkirk knew he should have tried to stop the discussion, but he just couldn't help himself now.
"Well, Blackbeard's a dumb name for a dog." Carter retorted. "Besides, he was clean shaven."
By now, the other three were all staring at Carter incredulously. Kinch tried to take control of the conversation before it got even further out of hand.
"Ok, Carter, there are other pirate names. Why'd you call him Plank?"
"Oh, Kinch," Carter spoke as if the explanation was obvious. "Everyone knows that pirates make you walk the plank."
"Well, Plank was my responsibility and I always had to walk him..."
"So, you were walking le Plank." LeBeau finished. He turned to Newkirk & Kinch. "I'm not sure if that's brilliant or scary."
"I'm going with scary," Newkirk replied. Suddenly, the door to Hogan's office opened. The chattering quartet quieted down and watched Hogan as he meandered out.
"I'm meandering now, what am I, a river?" Hogan snapped.
"Careful, Colonel, I think we've got that turtle writer again. She's liable to leave you frozen somewhere again." Kinch warned.
"Her again?" Hogan almost looked a little fearful. "I thought her story was supposed to be a one shot. What happened?"
"I think she got a few compliments and it went to her head, Guv'nor", Newkirk replied. "She bloody well thinks she's William Shakespeare now or something." He glanced quickly at his hand and noticed a skull had suddenly appeared in it. He shook his head and tossed it aside. "I don't even know Yorick!"
Hogan sighed, and quickly glared at the author. "I really wish someone would do something about her plot bunnies. Let her go back to her other unfinished stories and leave me...us...alone."
Carter was eyeing Hogan, looking a little confused.
"What is it, Carter?" Hogan asked.
"Well, sir, the last time we saw you, you were walking out the door with Klink. How'd you get back into your office without us seeing you?"
"It's a plot device to signify the passage of time, Carter. The author wants the reader to know that this isn't happening immediately after her last story."
"So, while Colonel Hogan got to sleep, the rest of us just stood around, looking bewildered?" Carter continued with his questions.
"You guys looked bewildered?" Hogan's attention was suddenly drawn to the beginning of the story. The others waited while he read all that he had missed. Hogan suppressed a chuckle before getting down to business. "I'm glad I missed that. Ok, so we were waiting for instructions from London for our next mission, right?"
"That's right, sir," Kinch replied, "they said they'd get the information to us by 1900 hours." He glanced over at Carter, who was obviously trying to translate the military time. "That's seven p.m., Carter."
"Why does London insist on using military time?" Carter lamented.
"Looks like it's your turn to lament now, Andrew." Newkirk pointed out. Carter nodded.
"Anyway, to answer your question, Carter, we are in the military, remember?" Hogan was going to do everything within his power to keep this story on track.
Carter nodded again, accepting this explanation. He suddenly grinned mischievously. "Do you think it'll be a dark and stormy night when we go out on our mission?" His face fell when there were no sound effects. "Awwwww. I wonder what happened?"
A dog suddenly appeared on the scene, bearing a note. LeBeau picked it up and read it allowed.
"He was allowed to read it?" Carter asked.
"Yes, looks like the author made a bit of a typo there, doesn't it?" Kinch replied.
A dog suddenly appeared on the scene, bearing a note. LeBeau picked it up (the note, not the dog) and read it aloud to the smart alecky POWs in the barracks. Kinch tried to hide a small smirk.
"We regret to inform you that this fanfic has gone seriously over budget for special effects. Please refrain from calling upon any more effects." Lebeau read, "And it's signed "Management"."
"Our story has a budget now, does it?" Hogan asked.
Kinch shrugged. "I guess it's to be expected when the author is an accountant."
"Bummer," Carter sighed (Hogan couldn't help but smile when he realized that someone else was going to be sighing, this time around), "Well, at least we got to see Ajax again!" The dog growled and another note suddenly appeared, which LeBeau read ALOUD too.
"P.S. My name is not Ajax, it's Atlas."
"Great author," Hogan said, "She gets characters names wrong, arbitrarily puts characters in and out of the story, goes over budget on effects and...."
The others all looked at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence.
"Blimey, how are we supposed to get any work done if the author keeps freezing our leader?" Newkirk's frustration was apparent.
"...keeps freezing me!" Hogan finished. "Aaargh!! I swear, this is worth than being left in a ravine for months. Not that I want to have another author leave me in a ravine," he hastily added.
"You know, fellas," he added wearily, "I'm getting a headache. I think I'll just go lay down until we hear from London."
"You're probably feeling overwhelmed because of all that math, sir," Carter replied, pointing to the number of times Colonel Hogan had added something in the previous conversation. Hogan thought about how his headache was multiplying, nodded and turned towards his office when the barracks door opened. Sgt. Schultz strolled in.
"Hey, at least you didn't just appear this time, eh, Schultzie?" Newkirk said.
"They probably can't afford any more large plot bunnies for him to come in on, with these budget cutbacks," LeBeau replied.
Hogan, realizing that he wasn't going to be getting any more rest, turned to face the guard. "What brings you here tonight, Schultz?"
Schultz shook his head. "I know nothing!"
"Being cliché a little early in the story, aren't you, Schultz?" Kinch inquired. "You usually don't say your catch phrase until you've caught us doing something you'd like to forget."
Schultz looked directly at Kinch as he replied, "What makes you think I wouldn't want to forget this story?" All of the men in the barracks pondered this for a moment.
"WE KNOW NOTHING!", they all yelled, hopefully. All were amazed, as the edges of the barracks, just beyond their line of vision began to waver, and a bright light shone... ahem, budget ...and a semi bright light... ahem ...and two candles lit up everything. When the light had cleared, all of the men were still standing around, looking a little bewildered.
"Did any of you see that?" Lebeau asked. The others nodded. "I wonder what that meant."
"I don't know," Hogan replied. He looked at Schultz again. "So, why are you here, Schultz? LeBeau didn't bake any strudel today."
Schultz shrugged his shoulders, looking a little more lost than usual, and turned to leave. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he thought there was something he was supposed to be remembering but he couldn't recall what it was. Oddly enough, this thought made him rather happy and he left Barracks 2 looking considerably more cheerful than he had when he walked in...not that anyone could even remember him walking in.
Everyone in Barracks 2 was suffering from the same malady as Schultz – they all knew there was something they were forgetting, but they were much happier for not remembering. They all continued on with their day, their typical, normal day. Their HAPPY, typical, normal day...
"I had a dog with a name like that," Carter cutely commented (displaying not only alliteration, but the triumphant return of the MoCC). "His name was Laddy, but he was mine, so he was My Laddy." He smiled broadly, his happy childhood memories replacing the memories of the story he was supposed to have forgotten.
Unfortunately, with Carter's acknowledgement of the story that they were all supposed to have forgotten about, came the return of the missing memories for everyone else. They all remembered exactly what had transpired...the plot bunnies, the budget cutbacks, Yorick, Atlas...the memories all came flooding back.
"CARTER!!!" they all yelled.
"Blimey, what'd you go and do that for?" Newkirk continued, "It was so nice to actually have a normal moment, there."
Carter looked a little sheepish, realizing what he'd done. Hogan, guessing what the author was going to do next, quickly nodded to Kinch, who walked over to Carter and clamped a hand over his mouth. "No, Carter," he said, "we don't want to hear about your sheep...or any other animals, understand?" Carter nodded and Kinch removed his hand. Everyone stood around once again, as if expecting something to happen.
Which it did...right on cue, Klink burst into the room.
"Ewwwww," Carter cried out.
"He didn't literally burst, Carter," Newkirk pointed out.
"Ohhhh," Carter nodded. Klink was watching the two of them, waiting for them to finish their discussion. When they both nodded, he continued, practically running to Hogan.
"Hogaaaaaaan!" he yelled, "What is going on?"
Hogan looked at Klink, a little confused. "Would you care to elaborate a little, Kommandent? What do you think I've done this time?" He looked even more confused when Klink began waving a pair of nylons in his face.
"Well, thanks, Colonel Klink, but I'm really more of an argyle socks kinda guy," he joked.
"They're not for you, Hogan. Helga said she got them from you. I would like to know where YOU got them. Need I remind you that you are a prisoner of war, Hogan, and, therefore, not allowed to leave this prison camp..."
"Well, bloody 'ell," interrupted Newkirk, "NOW he tells us!"
"...and, therefore, you should not have access to nylons!"
Hogan looked really confused now. "Helga? I gave those to Hilda!"
Confusion made its way to Carter's face next. "Klink had two secretaries? I always thought they were the same girl. Which one was Helga?" he whispered to Kinch.
"The blonde one," Kinch replied.
"Weren't they were both blonde?" Carter responded.
"It doesn't matter, Carter. Shhh." Carter slumped down onto his bunk, "Boy, this is more confusing than trying to figure out witch Darren was witch."
"Cute little play on words there," Lebeau noted, "Just to make sure the readers got that Bewitched joke. Tres subtil." He looked up to see Hogan & Klink looking at him expectantly. He sat down in a nearby chair, quiet.
"I'll ask you one more time, Colonel Hogan, where did you get these nylons??"
Hogan shrugged. "A plot bunny gave them to me."
Klink's eyes grew so wide that his monocle popped out, falling to the ground. He didn't even seem to notice it. "A p..plot bunny?" he stammered. "You mean, one of those authors has returned?" Seeing Hogan's tired nod, Klink dropped the nylons on the floor and executed a perfect 180 degree turn.
"Diiiiiismiiiiiissed!" he said, as he practically ran for the cover of his office.
"Well," Hogan smiled, picking up the nylons, "it appears that the plot bunnies have saved the day. Seems like a fitting way to end the story, doesn't it?"
The others nodded as Atlas came in one last time, carrying a sign that said "THE END" in bold letters. As he walked past everyone, the lights...candles...whatever...dimmed.
"Don't we even get closing credits?" Carter lamented, one last time.