Disclaimers are in the first chapter.
Warning: a little bit of implied shounen-ai here. Why? Why not. Nothing graphic, just a little mockery of Sasuke and Naruto and the way the relate.
This is the last part, folks. Sorry it's late, I completely forgot.
= = = The Slightly Ecchi Adventures of Rock Lee, Epilogue = = =
"Idiot!" Sasuke yelled, his chakra flaring to dangerous levels.
"Asshole!" Naruto shouted, charging at his longtime rival. They clashed, and a burst of chakra whipped the surrounding trees around like a gale. Each tried to make the other submit through pure force of chakra. When neither gave in, they broke apart, panting heavily. Then they charged again.
"Maybe we should stop them," Lee said from a few hundred yards away.
"No, don't worry about them," Sakura said, tugging Lee away from the scene. "They're just flirting."
"Ah." Lee decided to let the matter drop. They were her teammates, after all, and she would know them best.
Speaking of knowing...
He stopped and pulled Sakura to him, kissing her thoroughly. When they parted, she smiled at him, a radiance in her eyes that had only intensified since last night. She stroked his cheek softly. He sighed. Oh, how he knew those hands... He kissed her again, then pulled on her hand to indicate that they should be going. Sakura nodded and fell into step beside him.
"Lee?" Sakura said after a time.
"Thank you. For last night, I mean."
Lee beamed. "You mean, you liked it?"
Lee closed his eyes and let his head fall back, enjoying the cool breeze and the warm sun. Such a wonderful world, such a wonderful time to be alive!
"But..." she added slyly
He looked at Sakura, suddenly nervous again. "But what?"
"But I'm sure you could do better with some practice." Lee opened his mouth to promise that he'd make love to her a hundred times, no, a thousand times, to attain the highest possible peak of pleasure, but was interrupted when a deep, smug voice rang out in laughter.
Lee's eyes narrowed as Hyuuga Neji, his arch-nemesis, stepped out from behind a tree. "I see your night didn't go as planned," Neji said, indicating Lee's burned brows.
"My night went perfectly well, thank you," Lee said, smirking.
"Neji, don't tell me you dragged me all the way out here at six in the morning so I could watch you pick a fight with Lee," TenTen said, jumping down from the tree Neji had been hiding behind.
"No, TenTen, it's nothing like that," Lee said. "We planned this confrontation ahead of time."
"Oh, great," Sakura said. She met TenTen's gaze and they simultaneously rolled their eyes. "Boys can be so dumb."
"But Sakura-san!" Lee said. "This isn't just about Neji and I! This also about you and TenTen!"
"Uh huh," TenTen said, then turned to Neji. "I'm going home. Call me when the pissing contest is over." She turned to leave, but Neji grabbed her hand before she could.
"The contest can't be decided without you here," he said. "Please, stay."
"Tell me why I should," TenTen answered. Neji stepped up behind her and whispered in her ear. After a moment, she blushed. "OK," she said, then moved to stand beside Sakura.
"So, what is this all about?" Sakura asked, crossing her arms. Before Lee could answer, though, the loud boom of chakra exploding in the distance made them all jump.
"What the hell was that?" Neji asked.
"Mating ritual," Sakura said dryly. "Now, let's try again. What is this all about?"
"OK," Lee said, taking a deep breath. "Sakura-san, TenTen, we'd like to ask you a few questions."
"Like what?" TenTen said, nonplussed. Lee and Neji glanced at each other, then looked back at the girls.
"How would you rate the sex you had last night, on a scale of one to ten?" Neji asked. Sakura and TenTen stared at him.
"Were you satisfied with the experience?" Lee added. "If so, please elaborate to the extent of your ability."
"Also, for your next experience, who would you rather sleep with: me--" Neji indicated himself.
"Or me?" Lee finished, also indicating himself.
"Um, guys," Sakura said, eyeing Lee like he was not all there in the head. He couldn't figure out why. He only wanted her to give honest answers; after all, his manly pride was at stake! "I can't really say who I'd rather sleep with if I've only ever slept with Lee."
"Well, then," Neji said, "we'll just have to fix that, won't we?"
For exactly five seconds, there was utter silence. Then all hell broke loose.
"Neji, you bastard!" TenTen yelled, leaping at her boyfriend to smack him one. "First you drag me out here, when I was sleeping, and now you--"
"Neji, you bastard!" Lee shouted, also leaping at Neji. "How dare you suggest that Sakura-san, gentle, pure flower that she is--"
Sakura grabbed his arm and dragged him away before he could inflict crippling damage upon his rival. "Let's go, Lee."
"But Sakura-san, you heard what he said!"
"Yes, I heard perfectly well," she said. "But I don't feel like ruining this beautiful morning watching you and Neji kick each other's asses. Besides, I think TenTen's got him handled."
A crunching sound echoed through the park. Lee winced. "I guess you're right, Sakura-san. I do get too worked up over him sometimes."
Sakura laughed. "I get the same way with Ino. Now, as I was saying, would you like to come over and 'practice' again tonight?"
"But Sakura-san," Lee said confusedly, "I thought your parents were only gone for last night."
"When did I say that?" Sakura said mischievously. "They'll be gone all week. Meaning I'll have the house all to myself. All week. A true ninja would never let such an opportunity go to waste."
Lee smiled dazedly. A whole week with Sakura-san! It truly was a wonderful world!
"Now," she said, releasing his arm and patting his cheek. "I'm going to see if I can find a lamp to replace the one we broke."
"But what about the bed?" Lee asked. Sakura's parents, not being ninjas themselves, had bought her a wooden bedframe wholly unsuited to withstanding ninja vigor. It was now in pieces in Sakura's fireplace.
"Eh, I never liked it anyway," Sakura answered.
"All right," Lee said. "I'll pack, and after you're done we can find Gai-sensei and tell him all about--"
"No, Lee," Sakura said firmly.
"But I'm sure he'd want to--"
"No, Lee. No. Just meet me back at my house when you're done. If you promise to not even think about going to Gai-sensei..." she licked her lips. Lee shuddered in pleasurable remembrance. "I'll make it worth your while."
She turned to go, but before she could disappear, Lee turned her head towards him and gave her the deepest, most thorough kiss he could remember giving. Sakura's face was flushed when they parted, and she gave him a small smile before disappearing through the trees towards Konoha's shopping district.
Lee whistled as he approached his house. Hard to believe that only two days ago, he'd thought he'd achieved the pinnacle of happiness! He couldn't comprehend a greater joy than this.
Or... He blushed as he unlocked his front door. Maybe he could. He crept to his room silently so as not to disturb his parents--his parents! He'd forgotten about them. How would he explain where he'd be for the next week, and what he'd be doing?
Well, he'd just say he was on a mission. Which was true, in a sense. He entered his room and deposited his suit jacket on the back of his chair, then crossed the room to his closet to pick out the clothes he would wear for the next week or so. When he opened it, though, something much more threatening than clothing was occupying the space.
"Hello, Lee-kun." Kakashi snapped his book shut and exited the closet, visible eye narrowed menacingly. "I think it's time you and I had a little 'talk.'"
= = = The End = = =