:I thought I would do something fun and light-hearted. Most of this story is already written and so should have quick updates. This may get slightly naughty sometimes but it's tame and still deserves just a PG-13 rating. Please read and review!
TOW the Auction
"Ok, guys, I hope you don't have any plans for tonight because I need you all to do me a huge favour," Rachel said breathlessly, running into the coffee house. She settled down into her chair and looked expectantly at her friends.
Monica looked at her suspiciously. "What kind of favour?" she asked slowly.
Rachel rolled her eyes, the scepticism on each of her friends' faces not going un-noticed. "You people always expect the worse don't you?" she exclaimed, "I haven't even begun to explain and already you're staring at me like I'm about to kill you all or something!"
"Rachel, the last favour I did for you I ended up handcuffed to a chair," Chandler pointed out, looking up from his newspaper, "so excuse me if I seem a little hesitant."
"That was three months ago Chandler, let it go already!"
"You wait until you're in that situation, then we'll have this conversation again, ok?"
"Ok, so, what favour do you need Rach?" Ross interrupted, glaring at Chandler meaningfully. Chandler rolled his eyes and went back to reading the newspaper.
"Ok...um…Bloomingdales are doing this charity auction thing tonight to raise money for cancer research and I was hoping you five would attend?"
"What's the catch?" Phoebe asked immediately. "You wouldn't be asking us to go with you if there wasn't something else involved."
"Catch? There's no catch…" Rachel laughed uncomfortably, avoiding Phoebe's eyes.
"Yes there is, see, no eye contact!" Phoebe exclaimed, pointing at her, "come on, out with it!"
"Ok, ok, but you should know it really isn't as bad as it seems, it really could be a lot of fun…"
"That's what Joey said about the Pinocchio play," Chandler interrupted, "it was that bad and it wasn't fun…"
"Hey!" Joey exclaimed, "I got a standing ovation!"
"They were clapping because they were relieved it was over Joe…"
"Anyway, getting back to what I was talking about…" Rachel snapped, irritated, "this charity auction…you should know that the 'items' that are being auctioned off are actually people…"
"My god slavery is making a comeback?!" Chandler asked incredulously.
"Actually, yes, it is. Kind of." Rachel smiled brightly.
"Maybe Joanna had the right idea," Chandler grinned, "I could borrow her handcuffs for a while."
"Wait a sec. Are you telling us that we have to be up for Auction?" Ross asked, eyes widening, "as slaves?"
"yes, isn't that just so much fun?!" Rachel clapped her hands in exaggerated enthusiasm, "You stand on a stage, and people bid for you! The buyer with the highest offer has you as their slave for a whole day! Then they switch and the buyer becomes the slave! All the money from the Auction goes to the charity!"
"well, I'm in!" Phoebe smiled, "this reminds me of the time Albino Bob tried to get me to be a dying old lady and beg off the streets…" she looked at her friends' shocked faces, "Oh please… how else could I have survived?"
"No way am I exploiting myself like this!" Ross announced stubbornly, "this is…is wrong! This is approving of the shameful way people used to treat the poor years ago! "
"Lighten up Ross, it's for charity and it's only for one day," Monica turned to Rachel, "I guess I could give it a shot."
"Me too," Joey agreed, "this could get me benefits!"
"How exactly?" Rachel looked at him in confusion.
"Well, let's just say I'm going to make sure a really hot woman bids for me and is willing to accept I will do anything for her." Joey winked and grinned, "as for what happens when we switch roles…"
"Ughh," Rachel groaned, "maybe you shouldn't be a part of this."
"No, no! Don't do this to me Rachel! I'll be good, I promise." Joey looked at her pleadingly.
"Ok, whatever. What about you Chandler?"
"Well, it's…it's interesting," he admitted. "Does the slave have to do everything the buyer asks?"
"Oh yeah, it's the rule." Rachel smiled, "that's why you'll be called a 'slave'. You are at the call of your buyer for a full twenty four hours."
"Come on Chandler, say you'll do it," Joey pleaded, "if you get a girl, this could be the closest thing you'll get to a date since you broke up with Kathy! You've got to get back in the game dude!"
"Joey, this isn't about how many more woman you can get into bed!" Monica exclaimed, "Wow, I'll feel sorry for the slave who ends up with you. She'll be ordered to walk around your apartment naked or something."
"Yeah, it will be like his favourite porn movies coming true," Chandler told her.
"I take that back, I'll feel sorry for who ends up with you." Monica shot back, rolling her eyes.
"This is going to be so great," Rachel stared at Ross, who was frowning down at the floor, "come on Doctor Geller, everyone else is doing it! You can't be the only one."
"Fine, but if I don't like my buyer, I quit!" Ross muttered.
"He's just worried he won't get any high bids," Chandler whispered to Monica. She giggled.
"I heard that." Ross snapped, "I'm a good catch…I can get as many votes as you any day Mister!"
"Yeah right, whatever you say, Monkey-boy," Chandler quipped good humouredly.
"Ok just because I had a monkey, it doesn't mean I look like one!"
"I think it's the hair…or the cheeks..."
"Nah, I think it's the ears," Phoebe disagreed, "see the way they stick out? Totally King Kong!"
Ross turned bright red and hid his face and ears from view with a newspaper.
"Right…um…so 8pm the Auction starts, we should get there for about 7pm maybe." Rachel explained, "Its formal dress. You three guys have to wear Tuxes."
"Um…mine is still at the dry cleaners," Joey said sheepishly, "I had a…accident."
Chandler grimaced. "Or maybe your date had an accident by drinking too much Vodka," he corrected, "Vomit-tux alert."
"Eww! Too much information!" Rachel looked at the pair in disgust, "you'll have to hire one Joey. You ok Chandler?"
"Yeah, it's all good Rachel."
"I have one in my closet somewhere," Ross replied from behind his newspaper.
"Oh for god's sake, put that thing down! You don't have big ears; Chandler and Phoebe are just joking."
"Yeah, of course we are." Chandler winked at Phoebe.
"Yeah, with that tuxedo on, no one is going to notice you have..unique..facial features." Phoebe added.
"Shut up Pheebs, at least I don't have small feet like Joey!" Ross shouted, lowering his paper.
Joey turned red, hiding his feet under the table. "No one has to be perfect." He mumbled.
"Hey, Chandler, how do I look?" Ross asked, walking into Joey and Chandler's apartment.
"We-ell…" Chandler studied him, taking in the white tux and trousers with matching white bow tie and red handkerchief sticking out of the jacket pocket. His hair had been gelled down flat and parted in the middle. "It's…classy."
"Dude, seriously, is this ok?" Ross asked again, looking at him worriedly. Chandler covered his mouth to hide the huge grin appearing on his face.
Joey came out of the bedroom, dressed in his traditional black tuxedo, glanced at Ross and immediately started to howl with laughter. "Duu-uude!" He shrieked, "what is with your hair?!"
Ross flushed angrily and touched his parting delicately with his fingers. "I thought I'd try something different. I wanted to make an effort; people will be paying good money tonight."
"Not with that style they won't!" Chandler finally commented. "Where do you think you are…1965? And don't even get me started on the suit! You look like a middle-class pimp!"
"Well-well at least my tuxedo isn't boring!" Ross snapped back, "You're not even wearing a proper bow tie! It's long and-and so, like…huh…ordinary!"
"Wow, great comeback," Chandler said sarcastically, smoothing down his black jacket. "No one wears bow-ties anymore, haven't you noticed that? You see it all the time on the Emmys!"
"I knew you didn't watch pay-per-view porn," Joey said, doing up his cuffs. "Hey, can you tie this thing for me?" He flapped around his black bow-tie.
"Oh here, let me do it," Ross snapped, snatching the tie and wrapping it around Joey's neck.
The apartment door opened and in walked Monica, Rachel and Phoebe, all wearing evening gowns.
"Look at you boys all dressed up!" Monica teased.
"Yes, Chandler, I love your tuxedo!" Rachel said approvingly, "that is definitely not 'straight off the rack.'"
Chandler grinned bashfully then smirked at Ross.
"What about me?" Joey whined.
Rachel looked at him critically. "You're handsome, the ladies will love it. I still think Chandler actually has the edge this time though!"
Chandler grinned smugly at Joey, who scowled in disbelief.
Rachel turned around to Ross, letting out a little gasp. "Um…wow…ok."
"Is that a 'good' ok?" Ross asked hopefully.
"It would be if this gig was fancy dress," Phoebe answered, giggling.
"Yeah, um…what happened to your other tux?" Rachel asked hesitantly.
"It was a little tight around the shoulders," Ross said tightly, "so I got this out. I wore it to my college prom."
"I knew I'd seen that somewhere before!" Chandler laughed. "You made out with geeky Allison in it!"
"She was not a geek!"
"Ok, guys, time out," Rachel clapped her hands impatiently, "Ross, if you want to dress like that, it's your choice. Just don't expect too many bids tonight."
"We'll see." Ross said darkly, shooting nasty glances at a still-laughing Chandler.
"Whoa-ho check out the talent," Joey murmured to Chandler as they walked past the auction room.
"Oh boy, do I wish that brunette would bid for me later!" He continued, glancing at the back of a tall, notable looking woman with long, dark curly hair.
"That brunette looked awfully familiar," Chandler murmured, looking back at her as they continued to walk on.
They arrived backstage, where a nervous looking Rachel was listening to instructions from her boss, Joanna.
"Hello Joanna," Chandler greeted, smiling feebly.
"Hello," she replied coolly, "how are you?"
"Well, that's good." Joanna said sarcastically.
Rachel cleared her throat. "You remember Chandler's roommate, Joey, don't you?"
Joey shook Joanna's hand and winked at her. "How u doin'?" he said, grinning flirtatiously.
Joanna looked at Joey with distaste and turned to Rachel. "The auction starts in ten minutes," she informed, "start the bidding at fifty dollars and go from there."
"Fifty?" Chandler asked incredulously, "we're not worth more than that?"
"You're not." Joanna snapped, walking off.
"Hi guys," Ross called, walking towards the group, "ready for the big auction?"
"You look like you are," Chandler said, grinning once again at Ross' suit.
"So how much do you think you're going to sell for?" Ross continued, ignoring Chandler's remark.
"Oh I don't know…500?" Joey said, shrugging indifferently.
"Yeah…right!" Ross cried, laughing.
"Ok, how much do you think you're going to sell for, Mr. Big Shot?" Joey asked sweetly.
"I expect to get the most," Ross said confidently. "I'm not predicting numbers."
"Coward," Joey shot at him, "I bet you won't get past 300."
"How much?" Ross challenged.
"200 dollars." Joey said confidently.
"What?!" Chandler burst out, "Joey, you don't have 200 dollars!"
Joey patted Chandler on the shoulder, "don't worry dude, we're going to win! No-one is going to bid for Ross while he's wearing his hair like that!"
"I wouldn't be so sure," Ross smiled superiorly, touching his parting lightly, "I've already been checked out already by some very nice ladies!"
"They were probably freaked out by you Ross," Rachel jumped in, giggling.
She checked her watch. "Oh, time to start!"
"Ok ladies!" Rachel called, walking onto the stage. "First up we have the men!"
A few squeals of excitement came from the various tables situated around the hall.
"Come on out boys!" Rachel cried flirtatiously.
Six men, including Chandler, Joey and Ross, strode out onto the stage. They each grinned around the room, winking in several directions.
"Ok, first bids go to Damien Brandon!" Rachel pointed to a tall blonde with a notable tan on the far left.
"I bid fifty!" A woman shrieked from the back.
"Fifty dollars from the woman on Table six!" Rachel announced. "Who's bidding fifty-five?"
"Me!" Another woman shouted.
Phoebe and Monica watched from their table as Damien Brandon was eventually sold for 200 dollars to an over-excited red-head on the table next to theirs.
"This is crazy," Monica whispered, grinning.
"Are you going to bid for anyone?" Phoebe asked, her eyes studying the men on the stage.
"Hmmm…" Monica murmured. She looked at Chandler. She was so tempted to bid for him. She could make his life miserable. That would pay him back for every prank he had played on her.
"Oh I definitely know whom I'm bidding for." She replied, smiling widely at Phoebe.
"So do I!" Phoebe said, smiling.
"Who? Joey I suppose?"
"Oh no…no!" Phoebe said hurriedly, "Do you see that guy on the end? He's standing next to Chandler."
Monica studied the black-haired man Phoebe was referring to. "Wow…very nice." She approved.
"The program says his name is Mike Hannigan and he's a law graduate!" Phoebe explained excitedly. She leered at the picture of Mike in the book, "Ohh I can't wait to get my hands on him!" she purred.
Monica giggled. She looked around the room, amused at the amount of women gazing adoringly at the five remaining men on stage. She frowned as she heard a lot of murmurings about Chandler. It looked like bidding for him was going to be more difficult than she thought it would be.
"I don't think I'll be voting for my Chandler!" a familiar voice said behind her.
Monica turned to Phoebe, her eyes widening. Phoebe grinned.
"Its too hard knowing I would have to give him up after the 24 hours!" the woman continued, "so maybe I should go for Joey."
Phoebe snorted. "He is going to freak!" she whispered to an amazed Monica.
"Oh god," Chandler groaned. "I don't believe it."
"What's the matter?" Joey whispered. He tried to keep the smile on his face as the bidding for him started.
"Janice is in the audience," Chandler hissed, "I knew I recognised that woman!"
Joey chuckled. "You'd better hope she doesn't bid for you!"
Chandler smirked. "It looks like she's more interested in you my friend."
The smiled faded from Joey's lips as Janice's hand shot up in the air.
"300 dollars!" she shrieked, causing gasps to flood through the room.
End of Chapter 1
:I haven't forgotten the other fanfics, they are in the progress of being updated.: