Summary: Physical symptoms aside, the mental symptoms of PMS are even worse. Especially when people are even less understanding about them.
So, Remus and Hermione plan a new revenge list, this time assisted by Ginny.
A/N: I don't have a headache. I don't have a stomach ache. My stomach's not puffed, I don't even weigh much more than usually. Fine. Looks like I'm having a rather peaceful PMS this month.
But I HATE PEOPLE! Nowhere's silent! There's always a fly tapping against the window or somebody shouting outside or - ARGGH! And earlier, Mum told me to shut up when I was laughing because "I sounded like I was crazy." And then, our Gran came and brought ice lollies to everybody, but because we had our cousins visiting, there weren't enough of the lollies. And of course I, being oldest, was the one to be left without. And then they all shouted and ran and everybody was coming too near me and nobody cared about what I said!
AND yesterday everybody minus Mum was teasing me when I was angry, and I bet Mum was only silent because she wasn't at home. AND I only have one ice-cream left in the freezer, and I want to eat it, but then I won't have any left. AND I don't have any chocolate, AND I hate people, AND Queen Vampyre Akasha hasn't updated Save the Hybrid for ages, AND somebody's been flaming OLO, AND I hurt my toe as I was kicking the door of my wardrobe, AND I hate people. AND MY COMPUTER IS DAMNED NOISY!
"My, my, Lupin, aren't you on a fabulous mood today," commented Severus as Remus walked in to the kitchen, glaring at everyone in sight. "What happened? Did someone steal your teddy bear?"
"Shut up, Snape," snarled the werewolf. "I'm only warning you once." The Potions Master didn't say anything else, but raised his eyebrows. This did nothing good to Remus's mood. "Don't raise your eyebrows at me," he grumbled furiously.
"Now, that's a bit too much," Sirius said, eyeing his friend. "Why couldn't he raise his eyebrows?"
"Because I don't like it!" snapped Remus. He sat down to the table, staring gloomily down to the cup of hot chocolate that immediately appeared in front of him. "And don't make those eyes over my head," he added moodily.
"What's wrong with you, Remus?" asked Bill, sounding half amused. He'd come to the Grimmauld Place from Egypt "to look after the kids" while Arthur and Molly were away for a couple of weeks. "You're usually not this cranky."
"Well, now I am! Do you have a problem with it?"
Kingsley walked in also. Seeing what was happening, he glanced warningly at the other men, but these did not notice his gesture. Seemingly the last month's humiliation had disappeared from Sirius's and Severus's minds rather soon, at least enough to allow them to tease Remus. And Bill, not knowing about this, did not know to be ware.
"Calm down, Moony, no reason to get moody," said Sirius, then chuckled, seemingly amused at his own pun. "That's Mad-Eye's work."
"You obviously think you're funny," the werewolf snapped. "Well, better wipe those thoughts away from your mind, because you're just DAMN STUPID!"
"Hey, don't shout," frowned Severus. "We all have a perfectly good hearing, we can hear just usual talking."
"I DO NOT SHOUT!" shouted Remus. Why was everybody so damn insensitive?
"Yeah, okay, okay," said Sirius, rolling his eyes amusedly. "But I do think you're childish."
"I'm sure as hell NOT CHILDISH!" roared the werewolf, raising his cup and preparing to throw it at his friend. Kingsley's hand on his arm, however, stopped him. He turned towards his lover, looking furious enough to throw the cup and the hot liquid at his head.
"Don't throw it," advised Kingsley, not frightened by this behaviour. "If you do that, then what will you drink?"
Glaring slightly at him, Remus lowered his cup, taking a sip. However, as he noticed the other men exchanging amused glances, he threw the cup at floor, shattering to pieces and splashing the drink all around the floor.
"STOP BLOODY LAUGHING AT ME!" he bellowed furiously. This, of course, made them actually burst into laughter.
Remus rushed out of the room, banging the door shut behind him.
Hermione shut her eyes, frowning. Everybody was talking at the same time, and the noise was enfuriating. Her head didn't ache at the moment, and she thanked Merlin for that. But, nobody was quiet, and everybody was too near her, and she couldn't get a moment of peace.
Once again, Harry brushed just past her. That was too much. "Don't come so near me!" she shrieked, slapping her friend on the arm.
Harry turned to look at her, looking shocked. Didn't he understand that he was too near? "Hermione?" he asked. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? You whole lot are wrong!" shouted the girl. "Be quiet for a single second, that's all I'm asking! And keep damned away from me! I don't want you so near me!"
Most of the males exchanged weird glances, which of course infuriated her even more.
"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!" she roared. "HAVE I SUDDENLY TURNED INTO A BLOODY HIPPOGRIFF OR WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU BLOODY IDIOTS?" As there was no answer to her question, she turned on her heels and stormed away.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Ron from Harry. "Just an hour ago she was giggling like a madman at everything we said until Sirius told her to stop. And now she's yelling at us for no reason at all!"
"No idea," muttered Harry, rubbing the little spot on his arm where Hermione'd whacked him.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled Ginny, banging her fists against Bill. "I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!"
"Hey, calm down, little sister," the red-headed man said, half amused, half confused. "What'd I do?"
"YOU ATE MY CHOCOLATE!" his sister replied, tears of fury veiling her eyes. "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, WILLIAM WEASLEY! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!"
"Don't shout like that," he pleaded, "you'll lose your voice. I promise I'll go and buy you more chocolate, okay?"
"But the shops are closed already," she snarled. "And I want my chocolate NOW!"
"Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have any chocolate to give to you now," Bill said, hardly hiding his amusement.
"YOU'LL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS!" she roared before running out of the room.
Just moments later, Remus, Hermione, and Ginny found themselves in the very same room where Hermione and Remus had planned their revenge the previous month.
Glancing briefly at each other, they all nodded. "Revenge," muttered Hermione, and the other two nodded in agreement.
"Whom are we putting on our list?" asked Remus, pulling a piece of parchment and a quill from seemingly nowhere. Those he placed on the table, ready to start writing.
"Everybody," muttered Hermione. "I hate all people! Nobody's silent and everybody's coming too near to me, and - argh!"
"I agree," muttered Ginny. "Nobody understands me!"
"I don't think we can plan a revenge for everybody who's in this house," muttered the werewolf. "Now, let's start from those who are the worst. I'm saying Sirius and Severus."
"Definitely," mumbled Ginny. "Those bloody idiots looked amused when I was yelling at them!"
"I agree," grumbled Hermione. "And Ron and Harry. They wouldn't let me in peace for a second!"
"Bill ate all my chocolate!" yelled Ginny, tears forming up in her eyes. "I want to kill him!"
"That wouldn't be wise, with Aurors in the house," said Remus, frowning. "But eating all chocolate is unforgivable! Let's make double check on his name!"
"Mad-Eye should be put in Azkaban," sniffled Hermione. "He said that I was like a child throwing tantrums!"
"Very well." Remus glanced at the parchment, then said, "Now, let's put this into action...
Fred, George, Bill, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Remus, Harry, Kingsley, Sirius, Severus, and Mad-Eye - the occupants of the kitchen at the moment. They were just eating their breakfast as Bill suddenly stopped eating his sandwich.
"I think I just swallowed something that does not belong to my sandwich," was all he said before he started to constantly throw up, blood running from his nose.
George gasped. "Skiving Snackboxes!" he exclaimed. "But how -"
Ginny giggled evilly. "Good luck using the anti-pills - once you can stop throwing up!" she shouted after her brother, who was running towards the bathroom.
This caused immediately a reaction. "You - you used our products on him?" asked Fred, sounding horrified. "Ginny! We gave those to you so you could skip Potions classes, not pull pranks - erm -" He fell silent as he felt his former Potions Master's stern glance at him. Ginny just giggled, then exited the room, followed by Hermione and Remus.
"Wait a minute," said Sirius, frowning slightly. "What phase of the moon is it?"
"Waxing," replied Severus, crumbling his eyebrows. "I should soon brew the first dose of Wolfsbane. Why do you -" Then, his eyes widened. "Oh, Merlin," he whispered, jumping away from the table and running towards the door of the kitchen. Sirius followed right on his heels. The others, however, exchanged confused glances.
Then Harry's eyes widened too. "Bloody hell," he muttered. "It's PMS! They're getting their revenge!"
This made everybody pale in shock. Suddenly, there was a rush towards the corridor.
IN the corridor, however, they collided with Sirius and Severus, who looked panicked.
"The door's locked!" shouted Sirius, not caring about what the noise would cause. "We cannot get out!"
"Oh, Merlin," whispered Ron in shock.
Just then, the curtains covering Mrs. Black's portrait flew aside. They all crouched down, expecting another screaming fit. Instead, however, they were taken by surprise as the portrait started to sign with a screaching voice.
"WE WISH YOU MERRY SUFFERING, WE WISH YOU MERRY SUFFERING, WE WISH YOU MERRY SUFFERING, YOU SHAME OF MY FLESH..."
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" roared the men simultaneously. This, of course, made the portrait only sing louder.
It took the men the whole of five seconds to put two and two together. "I don't believe this," Sirius whispered. "They got my mother into their plan!"
"...REVENGE IS COMING TO HOUSE!" the voice shouted after them as they ran away from the portrait in one group, fearing what would come next.
As they came to the kitchen, their eyes widened. The floor was covered with something that seemed to be pieces of paper, every bit exactly the same, tiny size. Most of them didn't understand this. Ron, however, recognized the mess immediately.
"NOOO!" the red-head exclaimed in shock. "My whole Playwizard collection! They've spoiled it!" He kneeled in the middle of the papers, trying to collect them to his hands.
The others didn't know whether they should be amused at his reaction, shocked at the PMSed people's revenge, or scolding him for even possessing those magazines. As all adults had been teenager boys once, they decided to settle between horrified and amused.
A shout came from behind them. "Come and look, Harry!" said a voice that was well recognizable as Remus's. "Your dear godfather isn't half as innocent as you think!"
Sirius and Harry rushed towards the voice, everybody minus Ron right on their heels. When they came to a side corridor near kitchen, everybody froze, staring. Sirius and Severus blushed fiercely, turning around and starting to run away from the others.
With a big sign, "The Contains of Sirius Black's Bedside Drawer," hanging above them, there were quite a lot of things placed in neat rows on a table. Flavoured and coloured condoms were the most innocent things there were to be seen. The others, however, made all men blush. Things like a self-vibrating dildo, furry handcuffs, wizarding gay porn magazines with moving pictures, a small silk whip, or an entire collection of different-flavoured lubes weren't what you'd like to know your friend possessing - and using. Even these, however, weren't half as embarrassing as the moving photos of Sirius and Severus, wholly naked, in various positions - both alone and together.
Harry covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh, sweet Merlin," he whispered. "I'll never be able to look Sirius in the eye again."
Just then, they heard Ron's shocked yell, "Hermione!" After a second, the redhead rushed to them. "She burned them, she burned my magazines! She - oh, for the love of Godric." He, too, had noticed the little "collection" shown to them.
At last, they managed to tear their eyes away from the sight and turn around. Then they saw Bill rushing towards them, still very pale, but seemingly gotten over his "illness". To the great surprise of them all, he flung himself towards Mad-Eye, attempting to strangle the man.
"I'll kill you!" he snarled. "I swear I will kill you!" The old Auror blinked, not knowing what this was about, but starting to wrestle back. Bill kept the fight up surprisingly well.
Kingsley reached towards his wand to separate the men. To his great horror, however, he noticed that he did not have it with him.
"The summoning spell has some nice uses," Remus said suddenly with a sing-song voice from somewhere above them. Looking up, they saw him sitting seemingly comfortably on a chandelier. "Like 'Accio wands'. By the way, do you want to know what I found?" Without waiting for an answer, he giggled, "Harry's love letter! Do you want to hear it?"
"NO!" shouted Harry, flushing in embarrasment. Remus, however, muttered a quick charm on the letter, then fastened it on the chandelier with another. The letter began to read itself aloud.
"Dear Luna, I've been waiting to see you. I dream of you all day and night..." Cackling evilly, Remus stood up, and a quickly muttered charm raised him up the stairway. Harry rushed towards the stairs, but an invisible barrier stopped him. He could just slide down to the floor, hiding his face in embarrasment as the letter went on, getting more sappy with every sentence.
"How did it go?" asked Hermione as Remus walked to the room.
"Brilliantly," the werewolf smirked, smiling evilly. "What did you do to Bill, by the way?"
"Well, I noticed we hadn't done anything to Mad-Eye yet," Ginny shrugged, "so I told Bill that he'd used his magical eye to spy on me and Hermione when we were at shower. Being a Weasley, he didn't think twice before rushing away."
"Congratulations at that." Glancing towards the portrait on the wall, he added, "Thanks for your help with getting the passwords."
"Any time," Mrs. Black smirked. "I may not especially like you, but anything humiliating my son has my full support." She wandered away from the painting to go to find her son his lover, all the time singing, "Oh, it's better not shout, it's better not cry, it's better not pout, I'm telling you, why: Revenge is coming to house..."
The three people glanced at each other, each biting on a bit of chocolate - they'd managed to get some that morning.
"Revenge is sweet," they said, smirking at each other.
Wellll? Somehow, I'm feeling a lot better after writing that...
DON'T COME SO NEAR ME, YOU GITS!
Sorry... I have a couple of very irritating little brothers...
Leave me, Herm, Remus, and Ginny chocolate, or you'll be the next on the list! .