Author's Note:

Please understand that this list is purely for your amusement. I'm simply poking fun at (while exaggerating a bit) the stranger sides of our favourite Wheel of Time young people. I honestly don't believe a word of what you are about to read (except for Rand, Mat and Perrin's hotness) If any of you are madly in love with any of the characters I am about to trash, please don't take it personally, and remember that I, also, think all the characters are sexy in the extreme.

Rand – The Dragon Reborn, aka: The incredibly hot and popular guy

Unbelievably sexy, Rand has three ladies in love with him and countless other chicks after his royal good-lookingness. Unfortunately, some girls are a little turned off by the fact that he's halfway to the mad house, but all the rest... Well, you never know what some whores out there consider attractive...

If you manage to forget the fact that he could begin talking to himself at any given time, you could become rather turned on by his badass dragon tattoos and majorly hot puckered scar on his side. And for the ladies who swoon over heroes, turns out he's gonna save the world from weapons of mass destruction at the end of the world! Score!

Mat – Pimpin' lil flirt

Your classic small cock, huge ego. Now this guy's bad. He likes gambling, drinking, swearing, smoking, dancing dirt-ay and chasing the hunnies. He can be very sweet if he knows he's gonna get a little sumtin sumtin, if you know what I mean. And, you know how all flirts seem to have a deep secret? Maybe some like listening to that Sounds of the Ocean type tape. Or maybe others like ballroom dancing. Well, turns out our little Mat has a passion for the Old Tongue! Yes, I know what you're thinking. Damn that's sexy!

Perrin – Sweet and beautifully muscled but sadly taken babe

Your classic huge cock, small ego. Very hot. Yes, I see what you mean. Every person in this freaking series is hot. This is purely so that you can have fantasies about you and your favourite characters having mad, passionate love without feeling guilty that you had to alter your character's face to be hot so that you can fantasize- okay, getting a little off-track, here. Where was I?

Oh yes. Perrin is a tank. He's a pushover, and he's very shy around girls, so he got married to the most jealous chick out there so that she can fight off all the ladies after his extreme hotness. Not only is he madly muscled, his eyes are yellow and he can talk to wolves! Looking at our first three guys, I suppose our lesson for today is: All hot guys are creeps.

Egwene – Freaky dream girl

"Woohoo, look at me! I'm a little girl thinking she's got it all. Aes Sedai morons picked me, a tiny little ignorant dumbass, to be their Amyrlin Seat, and only the Light knows why. And now, I've let it go to my head and I'm acting like the queen of the world. Yes, I'm too good for the Two Rivers now. Okay, now I'm going to go and strangle myself with my #&! Up Amyrlin stole and bash myself over the head with all the really nice things I have that I'm always complaining about!" Heh heh, I wish... I got a little carried away

It pains me to say this, but I did actually like Egwene in the first book. She was cool and independent, and she knew what she wanted. Now she's just a good old fashioned sniffer, if you catch my meaning. On top of being the dumbest Amyrlin since... - no, she really is the dumbest Amyrlin, she has freaky dreams and constantly fantasizes about her boyfriend. Disgusting...

Birgitte – Cool but slutty ass-kicker

Birgitte is definitely the best chick in The Wheel of Time. And the reason for that can be summed up in five words: She's original. She doesn't channel, she doesn't act as though she's modest and then wear slutty clothes anyway, she's not and never has been remotely interested in Rand, she's not a sniffer (Alleluia!) and she can actually fight! Oh, thank you, Robert, for at least granting us one good female! Too bad she has to follow Elayne around. I bet that if she hadn't been her Warder, she'd pound the little weakling's face in. Then we'd see just how far Elayne can put her big ass chin up! Evil chuckle

Nynaeve – Huge bitch

Nynaeve is probably the worst sniffer of all. If she's not inhaling loudly through her overly large nose (actually I'm not sure if it's big, I just think of it that way), she's yanking at her hair or throwing a fit, or gazing adoringly at her husband, who always looks as if someone sneezed all over him with half chewed up cheese in their mouth.

Someone really aught to get this girl a pill or two, because obviously this sniffing business isn't cooling her off. If all else fails, just stick her head in water until she stops moving. Better that than have us annoyed for the rest of eternity by watching her try to surgically remove her hair without medical tools.

The RFCT: Rand Fan Club Trio

These next three girls are the three ladies I mentioned are madly smitten, in love, enamoured, lovesick, infatuated, charmed, turned on, or whatever you will, with one Rand. Clearly note the one. All three of them have gotten, at one point, to first, second, and quite possibly third base (you never know what them peoples do behind the pages) with this very sexy and lovable psychopath. Strangely (and rather disturbingly) neither seem to care that: a) He is taken by two other chicks. b) He deserves to be sent to the nut house tomorrow. c) He could, should and likely will slaughter them in their sleep without even knowing it.

So you see, you must understand my reasoning when I say that all three girls are potential sluts who have neither restraint nor shame.

Elayne – Annoying little rich bitch

God, but I hate this girl. I'm sure you do too. Why? She has her chin up so much I'm surprised her neck doesn't snap off from the strain. Because she's the "Daughter Heir", whatever that does to you, she thinks she's the prettiest, smartest chick ever. Wrongo. She's so blonde! Her passion is swear words, and she picks them up from the local trash. Oh, and she's also a hottie and a sniffer...

P.S: All the girls in these books seem to be. You got to wonder how "the Pattern" can tolerate all this sniffing going on, eh? There must be, like, 8 000 dealers in this place...

Aviendha – Chick with a year supply of serious kick ass

Aviendha's wickedly hot. She's honestly the only girl I've ever heard of who's madly in love with someone they want to beat the socks off of. That's supposed to be a major turn on... In some countries... Cough cough...

Unfortunately, some people are a little creeped out by her apparent obsession with "toes"... When she starts up, just back away...

Anyway, she was the ultimate character until she met Elayne. (That little bitch ruins everything) I mean, she got busy with Rand in an igloo! How incredibly Canadian is that?! And after that, she turned him down, like, eighty times! Who can turn down that particular crazily hot nutcase? Her serious self-control is wack!

But then along came the sniffers... Why, Rob, why?!

Min – Vision Lady

Min has visions that make her seem somewhat ... what am I looking for here?... eligible to be in a freak show. Also, she likes cross dressing, and waddling around in high-heeled boots like a hooker. If you look past that, you'll see a very sexy, very Rand-obsessed young woman. Hell, I'm pretty much naming every girl in the Wheel of Time! Go figure!

Afterwords:

To increase this fun to a crazy level, I invite everyone to post their own opinions of these Wheel of Time characters in a review of this fiction. Do you agree/disagree with any of my observations? Who is your favourite? Are there any additional things to laugh at you think I should have mentioned? Thanks a whole bunch for reading and contributing to the insanity.

Yours always,

SecretlyEvil