Rating: Although I promise that this fanfic is a fairy tale with a happy ending, the rating of this fic has been upgraded into PG- 13 because I'm not sure if I can let my Sunday School students read this fanfic without a thunderbolt hitting me or the ground beneath me opening up to swallow me whole.
Summary: Genjo Sanzo, the little mer- bishounen, and his fishy friends, Cho Hakkai, the flounder with a monocle, and Sha Gojyo, the red water monster, engage in an off the wall adventure. Oh, I threw in a charming monkey prince and other endearing freaks as well!
Theme: Humor/ Parody/ AU
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. "The Little Mermaid" was written by Hans Christian Andersen and adapted for the big screen by Disney, whose version I parodied here. The madness that ensues is purely mine.
Note: Italics denotes thoughts (as you will see later )The Little Mer - Bishounen
As Narrated by: Nikoru SanzoChapter 1- Migraines At First Sight
Once upon a time, there was a little mer- bishounen who goes by the name of Genjo Sanzo. He lived in an enchanted kingdom under the sea with his faithful friends…
Sanzo flips his tail and growls, "They're not my friends! They're my servants! Ch!"
Uhmm… right… servants! Got it!
"Oi, bouzou! Who' re you calling "servants"?!" Gojyo the red kappa or sea gokiburi, hollered, and then turns to the narrator, "And who do YOU think you' re calling a red kappa, or sea gokiburi?!"
Anou, I just narrate things around here!
"Maa… maa… please watch your disposition, Gojyo- sama. Sudden temperature changes in the water don't go well with Sanzo houshi- sama' s skin." Hakkai, the flounder with a monocle reminded his fuming friend.
"I don't give a whales' fart! He could break out in barnacle warts for all I care!"
"How the heck do you keep your paper fan from getting soggy underwater?"
"Yare, yare desu ne!"
Nikoru Sanzo throws up the script and lets it float around. So much for the introduction, she mutters to herself.
Anyway, Sanzo the mer- bishounen, had silken hair, the color of the brilliant sun that shone above the waters, and amethyst eyes, much like the sky during a breathtaking sunset. However, with the kind of disposition he has, Sanzo doesn't look like the kind of mer- person to appreciate the brilliant sun that shines above the waters, or the sky during a breathtaking sunset for that matter. For Genjo Sanzo is the revered high priest of the Togenkyo Sea World Kingdom, and he doesn't have the time, much less the stomach for the mundane things in life.
"It's bad enough that I have to do all these darned priestly chores! The Three Mer- Buddha's and that sea hag- Kanzeon Bosatsu had to make me baby sit you idiots as well!" Sanzo grumbled, sitting atop a giant clam couch.
Hakkai merely smiles, knowing the truth that it's actually the other way around.
"Whine! Whine! Whine! All you do is whine! Your priestly chores include sitting and swimming around all day trying to look holy, and you can't even do that right, corrupt mer- monk!", Gojyo smirks.
"Do you want me turn you into an ikka fry?" Sanzo points his shoureijou at the kappa.
"Eh- hehehe. Can't you wait until after mating season? I've heard that this year's women lobster tourists are hot!" Gojyo sheepishly replies.
"Sanzo," Hakkai rubs his chin," Lately, you seem awfully stressed out. You need to relax a little bit, don't you think?"
"Yeah! Take a vacation! Go to the West or any place far, far away!" Gojyo pipes up.
"Okay, ouch! how about tonight's pool party over at the palace of the Sea Goddess of Mercy?"
Sanzo doesn't say another word. He merely shrugged his shoulders and gracefully swims away from the two.
"I don't know which will come first…death by sheer boredom, or misery with the company of FOOLS (shouting this particular word and looks over his shoulders to see if the other two are listening) I'm supposed to keep! The fact that mer- people live for over five hundred years doesn't help either!"
Sanzo made his way to his secret hideout. No, it's not a cave full of human trinkets, but a solitary rock beneath the cliffs where humans dwell. Out here, there's no Gojyo to irritate him, no Hakkai to look over his shoulder, no Three Mer- Buddha' s to boss him around, and no Sea Goddess of Mercy to tease and irk him to no end. The setting sun casts a lovely pale glow over the rocks and the sea itself.
Sanzo took a cigarette from his pack of Marlboro Menthol Kelps. He thought of his mentor, the late Komyo Sanzo. As he took a drag, he thought about how Komyo Sanzo had picked him up when he was just a small fry floating off the East Australian Current. He thought about the other mer- monks teasing him, calling him Koryu- The East Australian Current Drifter. He didn't mind, he knew if those stupid mer- monks were to swim the EAC (as he had done as a mer- baby), they'd be stripped of their hideous scales. Just as Sanzo was having an emotional moment, thinking of the memory of how his master died at the hands of hungry youkai fishermen, something warm and soft plopped down on his scaly lap.
"What the heck?!"
Sanzo angrily looked around. Seeing no one about, he picked up the strange projectile. It was white, soft, and warm. He'd heard about this thing in Hakkai' s stories on surface- dwellers. Isn't this what they call a pork bun? He sniffed the pork bun and found the aroma strangely enticing. He was about to satisfy his curiosity with a tiny bite when…
PLOP! PLOP! PLOP!
Goodness! It's raining pork buns! Sanzo dives and hides behind a nearby rock for cover.
"WAAAH! I'm sooooooo hungry right now! Oh! Oh! My nikuman! My nikuman!"
"That has got to be the most annoying sound I've ever heard in my entire life!" Sanzo cringed.
A slender youth wearing a golden crown upon his head, clambers down the cliff and was scrambling among the rocks.
"A golden crown? He must be a prince!" Sanzo thought to himself.
"Waah! Where could my nikuman be? Nikuman! Nikuman! Here's one!"
The young man picks up the soiled pork bun and happily munches on it.
"Eeew! I won't touch food with sand on it! What an idiot with an idiot face! Why, he reminds me of those weird land creatures Hakkai endlessly drones about! What was it called? A MONKEY!" Sanzo says out loud and immediately covers his mouth, cursing himself for nearly blowing his cover.
"Nani? Is there anybody here?" the youth pauses and looks around. He thought he spied something moving behind the rocks a short way off.
A giant sweat drop appears on Sanzo' s head. He' s not afraid of confronting humans or youkais, even without his shoureijou and sutra. But he wouldn't dare risk being discovered for that would be too…
"STUPID!", Sanzo thinks to himself.
The strange monkey-ish youth was just a few steps away from the rock where Sanzo is hiding.
"Oi, if there's anyone hiding out there, you'd better come out now and gimme back my pork buns or else!"
The young man took out his nyoibou and leaped over the rocks. But the slimy moss made him lose his footing and he slipped, accidentally hitting his own head with his staff.
"Bakasaru!" Sanzo exclaimed, seeing the threat neutralize itself and knocked out cold.
The mer- bishounen half- dragged, half- pushed the unconscious young man up the beach. Sanzo cursed himself for getting tangled with a surface dweller. Yet somehow, he couldn't bear to leave the boy. He just had this sudden urge to slap this kid around and call him names.
"Wake up, bakasaru!"
The stranger slowly opened his eyes, but he was too dazed to see clearly. His vision was blurred and all he could make out of his savior was a voice and an attribute that had stuck in his mind.
"Wow! You're bright and shining, just like the sun!"
"Nani?! Quit saying such stupid things and get your lazy ass out of here! You're fouling the very air I'm breathing!"
Sanzo was about to give his new- found friend another good whacking with his paper fan, but the latter passed out again. Suddenly, a crowd of people bearing torches appeared from afar.
"Uh-oh, must be his jailers! Gotta split!" Sanzo dived back into the water.
"Prince Goku! Prince Goku! We're so glad we've found you!"
The young prince gained consciousness and sat up. He looked positively bewildered.
"Where is he?"
"Who, Prince Goku?"
"A man… he was… he was shining like the sun! I think he saved my life." Goku dreamily replied.
"But Your Highness, we didn't see anyone with you when we got here."
Goku sulked, "That's too bad! He probably has some of my pork buns!"
Prince Goku stood up, brushed the sand from his cape and auburn hair. He took one last look at the sea, as the rays of the setting sun danced upon it.
"I promise, on the watery graves of my nikuman, that I will find you and never leave your side, oh Bright and Shining One!"
If Sanzo had heard those words, he would have thought twice about going back to the surface. But we're getting ahead of our story here, ne?