Tifa's Bogus Journey
Chapter One: Unstoppably Bad Ass Evil?

Since FF7 came out, I've read my fair share of fanfiction, some good, some not-so-good. And in my time, I've also written a few, some good, some admittedly outright crappy. But in all of this, I've noticed that most stories seem to follow a sort of pattern. And as more and more stories show this pattern, it gets really cliché. In this story, our unwitting protagonist comes to see this, and ends up trying to see just how deep into the fanfiction world that clichés really go. No offense is meant to any authors or their stories. This is meant to be some harmless fun, and to be fair, I've fallen into my fair share of these clichés.

A little explanation, This chapter glosses over some action story clichés, until Tifa breaks character of her 'fanfic' persona at the end of the chapter and decides to figure out just what the Sam Hell is going on.

I don't own FF7, but the 'Unstoppably cool author created characters' are my property (all in good fun). And if you take offense to this story and wish to flame me, please use good grammar and spelling, and spell my pen name right. Please.


Tifa drummed her fingers on the counter top out of sheer boredom, sighing as she blew a few stray wisps of hair out of her eyes.

It just wasn't fair. Why had the rest of AVALANCHE gone off on the mysterious, information gathering mission, and just told her to wait at the bar until they got back.

Yeah, that's right. She was at a bar. Her bar. And it was named "Tifa's Seventh Heaven" or "Cloud Nine" or some goofy shit like that. And she was in Nibelheim. Yes, that's right, Nibelheim. Because despite all the trauma and pain she went through in Nibelheim when Sephiroth burned it to the ground and killed almost everyone there including her father, she just really wanted to move back there, even though all the Shinra actors had given up and moved out of town. Because, after all, owning a dead-end establishment in a ghost town just really gave her a sense of fulfillment.

Oh, but it wasn't really a ghost town, per se. Vincent, for the most part, chilled in the old deserted Shinra Mansion. Because, even though he had been locked away from society for thirty odd years, he just really, really wanted to leave himself in the gloom and horrible memories, and hang out down there to spite himself and Hojo, and go rummaging through all of Hojo's stuff in the lab.

And he still slept in his coffin. That's right. In his airtight coffin. With the lid shut. And it didn't bother him. Why?

.....Well, because I said so. And what author says goes. So take that.

And Cloud lived next door, in his old Nibelheim house. Despite all of the trauma and bad memories he had from this town as well. And, for the most part, he just wandered around, fighting monsters in the Mountains with his big friggin' sword. Well, that, and trying to repent for not being to protect Aerith from being killed by Sephiroth.

You would thing that his constant angsting over a dead girl would eventually clue Tifa in to the fact that he wasn't interested, but oh no. The more he ignored her, the more Tifa was determined to get him to admit his everlasting love. She had been hoping for that moment ever since they were childhood friends.....

.....Even though they were really in no way, shape, or form 'childhood friends'. She was the coolest kid in town, and Cloud was a brooding loner that just wanted to fit in. And really, what better way to fit in other than trying to impress the coolest kid in town? Honestly, Cloud's attempts to impress her had all been P.R. moves, trying to boost his popularity rating by a few percent.

But despite all that, and the fact that Cloud was never really sure what kind of personality he should have, Tifa still loved him(in secret of course as she didn't have the guts to tell him, or because he was Mr. Oblivious to all matters of the fairer sex fawning over him).

Of course, life for Tifa could have gone smoothly like this forever, leaving her in this spiral of hopelessly unrequited romance and semi-angst, full of romantic plot devices and perhaps dream-sequence in which Aerith featured prominently. Or perhaps some sort of drug-induced freak out in which Aerith featured prominently.

Sooner or later she'd try to admit her feelings to Cloud. And then, he'd either reciprocate her feelings, or he'd reject her, and she'd go and at least attempt to commit suicide.

Why would she do that? Well, why not? Not like there were a lot of guys in the world that would willingly answer to her every beck and call. Because Cloud was the only one meant for her.

And why was that? Well, since Aerith died, she unofficially got bumped up to 'main heroine' status, so she'd automatically have to hook up with the main hero type. That's just how it went.

Well, that and, she hated on-line dating.

But, alas, their routine was shattered when she got a phone call from Nanaki. How he managed to even dial a phone in the first place was a mystery in it self. And yet, what he had to say became an even bigger mystery. Hanging out in Bugenhagen's old lab and studying documents about the planet, he had discovered something terrible. Something horrifying. It was something that not even Sephiroth himself could have hoped to stand up against.

Apparently, it was some unstoppable brigand of well-trained assassins or something like that, who had been operating underground for years upon years and were known and feared throughout the world, even though there had never been so much as a mention of them in the whole continuity of the Final Fantasy 7 realm.

And they had their sights set on AVALANCHE. Just to prove they were superior, or because they had worshipped Sephiroth, or been part of Shinra or something. And of course, a couple of them were bound to have some sort of history with a few AVALANCHE members. Like one had trained under Zangan and wanted to beat up on Tifa because she upstaged him some years back, or one had been a former Turk with Vincent. Or they were someone's ex-spouse, or even an AVALANCHE member that was thought to have been killed in the Sector Seven Pillar collapse.

Hey, these things sometimes happen, y'know. Just because it might not be very plausible or possible doesn't mean it couldn't happen.

Because what author says, goes.

So with things seeming problematic, Nanaki called all of the AVALANCHE members for help. And they all dropped whatever they were doing, and went to help.

Barret gave up his mayorial duties in Corel as soon as he heard what was going down. Of course, he probably wasn't that great of a mayor anyways. Sure, he might be the mayor now, but he was a coal miner before becoming leader of AVALANCHE. In most cases, coal mining and Mayor-ing don't really go hand in hand. Unless had had been the union president for the Corel Coal Miners Association back in the day. But even if he was, nobody'd really care. Not too many people viewed Barret as a cool guy. He kind of just hung out in the back as a static character, spouted some ebonics that would even make Mr. T cringe, and maybe make a few 'yo' mama' jokes with Cid, maybe call Cloud a 'spiky ass', (or possibly a 'spicky ass' or 'spikey ass', depending on how the grammar and spelling were faring for him. And maybe he'd mention Marlene a few times.

Cid, upon hearing of the danger, had immediately thrown down his tea, lit up a cigarette, ignored Shera, and made his way over in his totally brand new, overhauled, kick-ass airship, that he made with no resources or government funding. And he brought his whole foul-mouthed vocabulary (or his random symbol vocabulary for those with virgin ears).

Yuffie had stopped categorizing her materia, and got off her ass and showed up also, with a brand new sense of camaraderie and morals. And she also lugged along all of the materia that the others had oh-so-graciously given her just to get her to shut up when they had originally parted ways.

Reeve was tied up with his jobs as the new President of the rebuilt Shinra Corporation, so he sent Cait Sith on his behalf with new, improved A.I. And at some point, he also asked his personal body guards, the Turks to chip in and lend AVALANCHE a hand. Reno and Rude couldn't have agreed sooner, because Tifa owned a freakin' bar. And if there was anything the Turks liked more than their 'desperation team-ups' with AVALANCHE, it was drinking until they couldn't see. And Rude would most likely fawn over Tifa for some time, only to eventually give up and hook up with Elena, realizing that Tifa just didn't really seem to care. Well, that and Reno usually got to do all the talking.

So, after joining together, sharing what information they somehow knew off-hand about this new threat, and setting up their base of operations in Tifa's Bar, they ran around and got into a few tussles with the bad guys, while having romantically-charged side stories, and introspective moments detailing a character's past just to get a better 'feel' about them and their motivations.

Also, it was found out that these enemies were so ridiculously overhauled that the Knights of the Round materia didn't even dent them. Although, Yuffie kicking one of them in the groin could stop one of them cold, in a confusing, tedious and meticulous fight scene, the summons didn't do much to turn the tables, because the bad guys were just too damn unstoppably powerful.

Well, that, or the AVALANCHE guys didn't think to use summons. Or maybe they were ineffective or something. Or the materia system as a whole was shot to shit after Meteor..... I dunno. Something was up in order to make the fights rather evenly matched, or tilted in favor of the bad guys. That sort of thing is what makes for a long adventure, filled with plot twists and unspoken feelings, and perhaps some romantic entanglements.

But enough with all of this, Tifa was all alone, by herself in her bar, waiting for everyone else to get back.

Wait, what's this? Why was she left all alone when they were facing a new enemy that by now probably knew for sure where their base of operations was? Shoot, good question. Most likely she had gotten injured in one of their last battles, and Cloud didn't want her walking around in her injured state.

Plot device if ever there was one, because, by now, that one bad guy, that had a history with her as a fellow pupil of Zangan's had probably lost to her a few times, and was probably now nursing a bruised ego, along with a sort of unhealthy love obsession for the brunette martial artist.

So logically, with her all alone, he'd decide to come after her, along with the bitchy female of the group that just really had a disliking for Tifa, and wants to beat up on her simply because she has a severe dislking for Tifa. No real reason as to why; she just does.

And yet, we find Tifa all alone. In her bar. Unsuspecting. And possibly injured from a battle. And wondering what it'll take to get Cloud to notice her.

All in all, she was a target for "Creepy Obsessed Guy From Tifa's Past", and "Bitchy Female that Hates Tifa Just Because". And they'd beat her up handily. And then kidnap her. And Tifa would be powerless. Powerless to do anything but sit around and wait for Cloud to come and rescue her. And possibly develop feeling for one of the villains.

Tifa was starting to get really bored with drumming her fingers on the countertop and looking at her reflection in the varnished wood, when the door was suddenly knocked off its hinges, and in walked two of the most unstoppable-looking author created characters marched in, glowering at her darkly. Without so much as a word, they advanced towards the martial artist, ready to dish out a good old-fashioned ass stomping in one of those obligatory 'one-sided fight scenes' that ultimately segues into the kidnapping scene.

But today, Tifa was having none of it. Overwhelmed by the sheer cliché of the whole situation, she slammed her hands down on the counter, glaring daggers at the two enemies, causing them to stop dead in their tracks.

She wasn't going any further with this ill-contrived plot line without a fight. She had put up with more than she could take, and she wouldn't stand for this injustice any longer.....


So, there we go. In case you're confused, Tifa knows this is a highly-clichéd fanfic that she's in at the moment, and in the following chapters, she'll have to put up with figuring out that the action story isn't the only genre that's fallen into a big ball of clichés. But next chapter, she'll show those two 'author made characters' what-for.