Dirty Little Secret

Author: Pumpkin Belly

Summary: He just can't take the pain.  I understand that.   I understand it more then I would like to.   Buffy's POV. Spuffy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. They all belong to the mighty Joss.

A/N: OK so this takes place after Chosen.  Spike doesn't come back and Buffy and all them are in Italy. BUFFY IS NOT DATING THE IMMORTAL! That's just evil.  This is Buffy's POV.  Inspired by Sarah McLaughlan's song Dirty Little Secret.  Lyrics at the end.

Spike.  The word rings in my head.  I pick up the drink in front of me and down the glass, motioning for the bartender for another one.  I don't even remember what I'm drinking anymore.  I only know that it dulls a pain a little.  It won't take it away though.  Nothing does that. 

'Spike died for you. So you could live and all you do is sit here drinking.' A little voice in my head nags.

There's nothing else I can do. I answer it and take another shot of whatever was in the glass. 

I don't want to live without him. I don't want to live knowing that he thinks I don't love him.  I do though I love him so much.  I wish I could tell him.  I want to tell him so much. 

I know I shouldn't be drinking like this.  All I have to do is look at Xander and know that.  He's been drinking way too much since Anya's death.  He just can't take the pain.  I understand that.   I understand it more then I would like to. 

As I put my money down on the bar to pay for my drinks I think about Dawn.  She found love; of course it was in the form of Andrew but still.  If she can love why can't I. 

'But you do love,' That little voice is back to nagging.  I briefly think of going back into the bar and drinking it away, but I don't.  I need to get home.  Or to the apartment that Dawn and me are staying in.  Andrew is crashing there too.  But it's only temporary, everything is temporary now. 

'Spike wasn't temporary.' The voice chides me.

Yeah well he's died now and he's not coming back.  His ashes are in the giant crater that was formally Sunnydale. I yell at the voice.  And that's when it hits me.  Spike isn't coming back.  He won't be back to hold me or comfort me.  He won't be back for anything.  I sink to my knees, crying.  He isn't coming back.  

I can sense a vampire coming closer to me. I wonder if I have any weapon on me, and then think why do I even care.  I don't want to fight anymore.  I don't want to go out ever night trying to drink my pain away.  I don't want any of this anymore. 

I feel the vampire come up behind me and grab me.  He spins me around and sinks his teeth into my neck.  I don't feel anything but cold, a numbness that starts to sink into my bones. 

I don't fight back though.  The cold is just to welcoming.  I feel the blackness start to take over as the vampire sucks my life force out of me. 

'Oh how the mighty have fallen.' The voice says to me, but it's too far away now. 

Then I'm falling to the ground, ashes sprinkle over me.

"Oh god," someone says, "Call an ambulance." It commands. 

My eyes flutter open to the person who is now cradling me in their lap.

Dawn, and Andrew was standing behind her one a cell phone, saying something in Italian.  I assume he's calling for the ambulance. 

"Buffy, hang on, Buffy." Dawn saying to me. Her voice sounds far away.  The blackness is clouding my vision now. 

"Dawnie, I'm sorry. I love you." I sputter.  The blackness has taken over. 

"NO, Buffy." She yells out.  It sounds barely above a whisper to me, "Buffy, hang on."

But I don't want to hang on.  And as the last of my energy gives out I have a sense of peace, knowing that I may see him again and then I can tell him all my dirty little secrets. 

Dirty Little Secret

If I had the chance love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all the things I never said before

Don't tell me it's to late

Cause I relay on my illusions

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I am willing to give up this fight

Been up all night drinking to drown my sorrows down

But nothing seems to help me since you've gone away

I'm so tired of this town where every tongue is wagging

When ever back is turned

They're telling secrets that should never be revealed

There's nothing to be gained from this but disaster

Here's a good one

Did you hear about my friend?

He's embarrasses to be seen now

Cause we all know his sins

If I had the chance love

I would not hesitate

To tell you the things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late

Cause I've relied on my illusion

To keep me warm at night

And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I'm willing to give up this fight

Oh I am willing to give up this fight.