-x-Kaiba's Home Office-x-
Jou: Seto, where is the-
Jou: Um... Seto, you eating a thong?
Seto: munching -.- It's edible underwear, and I'm hungry
Seto: Shut up; it's all we have
Jou: falls over laughing
Seto: chocolatey undergarment still hanging out of his mouth It's not that funny.
Jou: Hahaha. Whew, that was hilarious.
Jou: Heh… wait-- do you hear singing?
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy:
Seto: … no.
VT: Oh man, it feels like it's been forever (it has)! In the time it took me to finish this chapter, I killed three people and stopped watching the show altogether. That's how cool I am. Well, I've been putting this off long enough; IT'S TIME TO DUEL!
WARNINGS: Seto and Katsuya finally getting together, yami/hikari action, misinterpretations of Honda's name, and a lot of random-ness would be a safe supposition. SPOLIER ALERTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
DISCLAIMER: Be thankful I don't own it; man, it wouldn't be on basic cable if I did.
Quote of the Hour: "I wish to make cheesecakes; it would fulfill my greatest desire that doesn't involve Jou, a whip, and a dog suit." -XxMirroredFatexX (or maybe Seto on an off day?)
Special thanks to 'Becca for such great ideas! Thanks babe! blows kiss
Birthday Something or Other (Ch. 4)
-x-First Person: Seto-x-
Oh man, it feels like it's been forever! Either that or the stupid author is taking her sweet time in writing this thing. A quick glance at the clock tells me it's been… ten minutes…. Okay, well, you know, time doesn't fly when you're two steps away from mass murder and/or rape. And if not that, I'm going to die of boredom.
After the little "incident" in the kitchen, Jou and Yuugi desperately gathered everyone in the living room. "Desperately" being the operative word there, by the time they dragged eight idiots and myself over here they'd forgotten what they had planned. That is if they had even considered a plan. So it's resulted in sitting us down in a circle to, well… sit. If I had my gun, I'd probably shoot myself right now.
…Do I hear cheering?
"We could, uh, duel?" suggests Yuugi. I snort rather audibly. Does it look like I have a Duel Disk on? And despite what you may believe, there is no way I'm going up against either Yami or Yuugi. You see, after many virtual simulations and reworking projects, I found that they aren't superior duelists; their hair is just really distracting. I mean, it defies the basic laws of physics, and that alone will damage your judgment considerably. There's just no other explanation; all those duels spent subconsciously pondering if I should buy a VO5 stock. Such wasted time... So anyway, it comes down to who would be stupid enough to go up against something that short and spiky?
"I'll duel the pharaoh!" yells Bakura's nameless brother. I think I'll call him George for the duration of this fic.
"ME TOO! You'll lose Pharaoh!" shouts Marik.
Who the hell's the pharaoh? Yami stands up at this, his jacket-gone-cape billowing in the non-existent breeze. He points dramatically at the two of them, with only one finger... somehow. "IT'S TIME TO DUEL!" He then reaches into one of his many belts only to come up empty-handed. He begins to pat myself down. "Oh, um, I think I left my deck in my other leather pants." A gigantic droplet of sweat forms on the side of Yuugi's face… which is almost impressive. Does he posses only one sweat gland? I wonder if he's dehydrated now.
"We could ah. We could play Twister! I still have-"
"NO!" Eight pairs of eyes turn to stare at me. And I have absolutely nothing to say. "Erm…"
"I don't want to play either," says Malik. "What if Kaiba's trench coat comes to life and tries to kill me again?"
"It's all right Maliky-poo; that was only a dream," Mark soothes. I mean Marik; damn typos.
"But it felt so real!" he sniffles. I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask.
"That's all very well then, because you see, it's not like the pharaoh can move without chaffing." George stares directly at Yami; his eyes gleam. Creepy.
Yami jolts upright. When did he sit down? "I CAN TOO MOVE!" Is he the pharaoh? It would explain the arbitrary use of eyeliner. Maybe a Cover Girl stock...
"Actually, I think he can. Ishizu-chan said that's one of the powers of the puzzle," says Malik getting over his trench-o-phobia.
"Yessssss," George hisses, "with that kind of power, I would be unstoppable! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Bakura!" berates …Bakura. "How many times have I told you about laughing maniacally over Yami's demise?" How many Bakuras are there? Bakurae? What's the plural of Bakura?
George slouches. "Fine, I'll behave. However…" And he whispers something in his brother's ear.
"What…? What does this have to do with Biology?" His brother nudges him. "Wait… YOU PERV!" Bakura begins throwing random objects he pulled out of his purse… I mean "BAG".
"Guys come on!" Jou tries. "This is supposed to be a party- was that lip stick?"
"Chap stick!" Bakura corrects. Mitsubishi stares at him. "What? I have dry lips, and I happen to think Raspberry Surprise has a nice texture."
"Very nice texture!" It was George's turn to correct.
"Why does he keep calling out his own name?" Everyone snickers.
Yami pats my shoulder. "If only you knew the irony in that, Kaiba." I pull away; no one touches the coat.
"Well, as entertaining and confusing as this scene is, shouldn't we be doing something… celebratory?" Now, just stare condescendingly… perfect.
Jou shivers slightly; I wonder if he's all right. "Yeah, so a game. Dueling and Twister are out; how about the ultimate cliché: truth or dare?" "Dare" being pronounced "DAEHR." He looks at me to see if I remember our little game. I think I'll just frown; he can figure out the rest.
Suddenly, Malik darts out of Marik's embrace. "Are you INSANE!" Now that's irony. "There are absolutely no females here, with the exception of Ryou, and if I know my fanfiction, this will all end up in some homo-erotic mass orgy because our psychotic authoress consumed more pixie sticks than should be legal in this or any other country!" Malik pauses; I believe he's attempting to think. "You know what…? Yeah, let's play truth or dare." He smiles. If I were anyone else, I would have shit my pants.
"Uh… okay. Then I'll start," says Yuugi. "Jou-kun, truth or dare?"
"Pfft, I'm a man. DARE!"
"Okay, I dare you to…" He glances at me; that can't be good. "I dare you to make Kaiba laugh."
"Yeah, and end world hunger while you're at it," Yami adds. I'm going to kill him in his sleep…. No, I wouldn't do that. I'm going to kill him while he's awake so it'll hurt more.
"Uh, okay. Kaiba. Erm… two guys walk into a bar-"
"Oh come on Jounouchi; you can do better than that."
"What the hell do you know Marik?"
"I know a few things…" He glances at me; I really don't like this.
"Fine, what do you suggest I do?"
"I'm so glad you asked!" Malik jumps at this too. I really, really don't like this. Each of them takes a hand and leads him into the bathroom. "We'll be back; continue without us." They shut the door, and the last thing we hear is light giggling follow by a very distressed
"You've got to be kidding me!" from an easily swayed mutt.
It's been a rather uneventful game. Pontiac popped a balloon with his hair, Bakura's gender was deciphered, and Yuugi did the Hokey Pokey. Other than that, I learned some disturbing things about Jou's entourage that I really could have gone on without knowing; was the thing about Yuugi and his leather obsession all that necessary? It's rather obvious.
"…but buckles are the best. Anyway, Ryou-kun: truth or dare?"
"Truth. I don't want an impossible dare that forces me to disappear into a bathroom with Malik and Marik for who knows how long." He's right; what the hell are they doing?
"Well, we Egyptians are known for our stamina," George says as he nudges his brother. That didn't assuage my fears.
"Yeah, sure, if you say so."
"What? Are you trying to say something, Ryou? Because if you are, I suggest you say it!"
"Hmm, nothing. What was the question, Yuugi-kun?"
"Um… I didn't-" Yami whispers something to him. "Hahaha! Yami, isn't that a little personal?" His eyes glaze other. Hey, maybe he died! "Well, all right." Damn. "Ryou-kun, what's your favorite position?"
"Position? As in… oh my." As in sports? Yeah... that's it: sports. SAY THIRD BASEMAN YOU NINNY! Wow, there's no innuendo there. "Erm…" he looks over at George and blushes. "I guess I would have to say-" And by some spectacularly timed entrance formed by the author so as not to hear Bakura's answer, Jou pops out of the bathroom.
He wobbles slightly before gaining his balance. "Doggie Style!" yells an overly zealous Marik. Everyone is caught in bouts of laughter. Well, save Jou and myself. No, really SAVE US.
You see, there before me stands a tall blonde in a (conveniently placed in the bathroom of his apartment) maid's outfit with an also disturbingly convenient pair of dog ears. Light but large ruffles adorn his neck, slightly parted to reveal a tenuous red ribbon carrying a bell. Upon his head the psychotic duo have decided to comb and part his hair to have said brown puppy ears-- they... they bring out his eyes in an exceptionally intriguing way. We make the most ridiculously awkward eye contact ever conceived as a darker blush takes its place upon already warm cheeks. He begins wobbling again as he fidgets with his fishnet clad legs and- why the hell is he so smooth?
My apparent scrutiny seems to have made him nervous and flustered... good job Seto! That's worth a friggin' gold star right there.
He turns away, trying his best to keep the overly layered black skirt of hell from "poofing" (you like that? It's my word) up because he doesn't seem to want anyone seeing his Hello Kitty panties that are officially in public view… and that's a phrase never I thought I would say.
"They had it planned," he mumbles, sulking delicately. "Ya bastards!" Shaking his fist, Jou chases them for a moment, his black heels clicking on the linoleum.
"Aww, that's too bad," Malik smirks. "It was supposed to make Kaiba laugh." That's right! Laugh not... damn these pants; they're TOO TIGHT. Stupid saleswoman said they were a perfect fit.
"Well, he's sort of got a kinda lop-sided, half-there smile. That's as close as we're going to get with Kaiba-kun," says Yuugi. Strange, that was somewhat helpful and insulting.
"No, no," says Malik, "Jou is just going to have to keep wearing the outfit until Kaiba laughs."
Jounouchi and I groan but for completely different reasons.
"Fine, whatever." Jou pouts and sits where he was previously standing-- next to me.
This is suicide! God, Ra, Allah, or anyone up there listening: I really don't want to die with Trouser Snake Seto as a nickname-- all I'm asking.
As I attempt to find a sitting position that won't... give me away, Jou removes the bell and something else. Curiosity pushes me to find out what, but I've just barely "calmed down" and don't want to go through that hell again. You know what? You're fine Seto; just remain calm; don't look over. NO GAZE AVERTING! Just-just stare straight ahead. Dammit! Who am I kidding? I can't even think straight.
"All right, well, it's my turn," Bakura speaks up.
"Actually guys, I'm a little tired of truth or dare." Everyone snickers. "Can we please play something else?" Jounouchi Katsuya, a victim of truth or dare. The tragic story tonight at eleven.
"I know!" shouts Malik. "Strip poker!" Jou stands abruptly mentioning something about getting drinks.
"Some one's been reading too many fanfics," Marik says playfully snuggling his psuedo-twin.
"Come on guys, strip poker?" Bakura asks incredulously. They nod. "THEY" including Bakura's brother as well this time. He sighs. "Isn't there some one here that's not flamboyantly gay?"
Pfft. Bakura's one to talk. I like me an uke, but that's just pushing it. Come on! He's two steps away from being a girl himself. I mean, flowing hair, long eyelashes, and a manicure? And just look at his name. It ends with an A.
...Well, Kaiba is a manly name; it cancels out the vowel at the end… yeah… cough.
"Kaiba-kun?" Bakura? What? Did I say that out loud? "Did you… hear what I said?" Did you hear what I said? Yuugi clears his throat. Is he talking about the gay comment? Yeah, I heard him… he's waiting for some sort of response…. Wait, do they think I'm straight? I'm wearing a purple trench coat and leather buckles; what DIDN'T give it away!
Well, if they can't figure it out, I'm not telling them. Idiots-- and they say I'm oblivious. "Kaiba-kun are you… not that it matters, but…?"
"HELP!" We all turn in the direction from where we heard the cry. It sounded like Jou, and it was coming from the kitchen. I swear, if he's stuck in the refrigerator again, I'm not doing anything.…
Really quickly: he's still wearing that skirt, right? So..."Out of my way!"
It turns out the fridge wasn't the culprit; it was the pantry this time. Somehow Jou managed to lock himself inside, which is quite a feat mind you, since pantries DON'T HAVE LOCKS.
"Mutt, only you could manage to get stuck in a storage area that doesn't even close properly."
"Shut up! I wasn't stuck; something grabbed my leg." His eyes start darting around.
"Jou, if you can't say anything smart, don't say anything at all." Ah, Subaru's most appreciated advice.
"Well then, we shouldn't be hearing from the pup for a while," I mumble to myself. Why has everyone stopped in their tracks?
"Did… whoa, Kaiba has a sense of humor."
"I know," retorts Jou. "Creepy, huh?" Idiots. We begin heading back to the living room. We all settle down again but with various drinks this time, and by that I mean a lot of Coke. COCA-COLA! "We can play another game if you guys want."
"Spin the bottle!"
"Shut up Malik!" everyone yells in unison. Why did the crazy homo have to sit next to me? ...'Cause, you know, there are so many heterosexual AND sane people at this party. Looking around, we have one of the worst seating arrangements in the history of seating arrangements (which I happen to be very well-versed in): Malik and Marik on my right, circling around to Jou and Chevy in front, then to Bakura, his brother, a midget, and an asshole on my left. Life doesn't get any better.
"All right," begins Jou taking a swig of his drink, "we're gonna have to section off for this game." What the hell are we playing? "So, from Kaiba to me is team one, and from Honda to Yuugi is team two. Got it?" I'm nodding; why?
"You shall know fear Marik! It's payback for that shadow realm stunt in Battle City!" I prefer not to remember that… or Duelist Kingdom… or anything in between. "And YOU Pharaoh, I will… how do you say… POP a cap IN your ASS!" Hey look, it's that sweatdrop thing again.
"Bakura, are you completely retarded? We're on the same team." George stares at Darkness or Yami or Pharaoh or Yuugi-ou or ass-licker or whatever the hell he's calling himself now.
"Dammit, we're in the same boat here!" The hell is he talking about? No says a word.
"W… what the hell Pharaoh! Get out of my boat!"
"What…? MAKE ME!"
"It's my Ra damned boat!"
"I had it first!"
So this is what insanity looks like… it's not very pretty. Hey look: Jou. "Uh, guys, I think we should skip the game."
"Get your own boat cock-sucker!"
"You'd only steal it ass-fucker!"
"Ooooh, they're getting personal," Malik coos. I-I think I just threw up a little.
"Yoh! Guys! Let's just uh…"
"Open presents!" Yuugi chimes in.
"Yeah, let's do that!" Jou agrees. He escapes before George attempts to rip Yami's throat out.
"I have five dollars on Bakura!"
"Are you kidding Ryou? Yami's going to end this in a second," Yuugi states 'matter-of-factly.'
"I highly doubt that. My Baku was a tomb-robber. Pharaoh has nothing on that kind of stealth."
"What do you mean 'stealth'? The people he was robbing were already dead! Yami was pharaoh; 'that takes immeasurable strength and wisdom'." Yuugi nods proudly at his monotonous voice of astuteness.
Bakura darts up. "I think you're wrong Yuugi."
Yuugi stands as well. "Is that so? I think you're wrong Ryou." The glaring contest commences. How peculiar, I've never seen Yuugi act like this, and hell, I've never even seen Bakura.
"Psst, Pharaoh," George whispers, "our hikaris are fighting." Their lights... okay, I totally follow.
"Do you think they're going to do anything?" What?
Yami reddens a bit. "Hm. If so, who the hell would be on top?" On top of what…?
"Hey guys!" Jou yells from the other room, "I need some help with these presents!"
"Shhh!" Malik interrupts. "Two ukes are going at it!"
I stand; I can't take much more of this. "I'm going to… screw it; no one's listening to me." I walk into the room over before hearing what sounding suspiciously like Malik saying "screw what?"
Let's see what's behind door number two. Glancing around, I see a dresser with t-shirts falling out of it, magazines and games messily left on the floor-- is that a porno?--, and an unmade bed. I'm assuming this is Jou's room. "Pup? You in here?"
"Over here." I follow the voice to the closet. Opening the door slightly, a disheveled Jou tumbles out with gifts and various articles of clothing. "Hey." He raises a hand. Only Jounouchi Katsuya could topple out of a closet in a miniskirt and be that utterly nonchalant.
"Hm, to make a 'coming out of the closet' joke or not?"
He sneers a bit. "Don't get too excited about that new sense of humor you got there Kaiba."
Ignoring his immaculate wit, I offer a hand. "Why were you in there?" My puppy has a horrible habit of getting trapped in things. He gathers himself and pulls down his skirt. He wiggles his toes in an absurd manner to somehow divert my attention. Sad part is-- it worked; I really liked those shoes.
"Ask Yuugi why he had to put my presents in the closet, of all places…" He glances around, embarrassed by the mess. "So, you gonna help me or what?" I give a curt nod. There are only a total of eight presents, meaning each of us has to carry four; thank God for third grade algebraic skills.
We begin gathering them. I can actually guess the patron of most of the presents by the way they're wrapped. The cross dresser's is the pink one with the yellow flowers; Ford's is the one in the paper bag; Yami and/or Yuugi's is the one covered with the Black Magician; Malik's is the flamboyant, glitter-encrusted, purple one with the distractingly golden bow. There are a few others I'm not sure about, and then there's mine: stark silver wrapping with an elegant navy blue ribbon delicately tied around it. It took me forever to get it just right; I didn't want some lazy idiot from a department store screwing it up…. When did everything about Jounouchi become so important…?
I must look absurd sitting here and sighing. I allow my hand to reach for the gift, but it seems another has beaten me to it.
My palm rests upon Jounouchi's fingers, and I stupidly look up to confirm this fact as though it could be someone else's hand. "Oh, uh… sorry." He lingers an unsure moment before making any real attempt to remove himself. But by then, I do the most moronic thing I can: as he begins to pull away, I grip his hand tighter, pulling him forward with the horribly efficient motion. Jou looks up again, and I meet his gaze. "Seto?" He's so close, if I just lean in I could…
"BAKURA! That was my SHIRT!" Jou jumps away.
"The hell?" He picks up the gifts he dropped in his surprise and my gift as well. Eyes never leaving the silver wrapping, he says, "We better go see what's going on." With that, a lightly flustered puppy leaves a frustrated CEO all alone in this disaster of a room.
I cast a final glance at the small cat on his bright pink butt as it bounces back and forth with the swaying of his hips. I wait until he leaves and fall unto my back, never allowing the gifts to fall out of my lap. A sigh makes its way from my lips. "Dammit."
After cursing various gods and making sure to return to Jerk Mode, I walk out of Jou's room only to be greeted with the strangest sight ever to be presented to me.
"You know I love it when you protect my honor Hikari." George proceeds to lick Ryou's face in the presence of everyone he has ever come in contact with. This may be the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered, and I have seen some scary-ass shit, in fact, just yesterday I found out what tradeshipping is. Oh God, why?
"Yuuuuuuuugi, why don't you ever do that?" whines Yami. That is the sorriest attempt at puppy eyes I have seen in a while.
"Because I have my dignity." That right there, that's a load of crap. Yami then proceeds to poke Yuugi-- this is pathetic.
"Baku…" Bakura pants, "please stop…." He's turning bright red, and we're all just circled around them like some bad 80s fight scene. Why doesn't anyone do something? HE'S GETTING RAPED BY HIS BROTHER!
"It's not rape if it's consensual, just… surprise sex." Did I say that out loud? Malik smirks and wags the giant sexual innuendo known as the Millennium Rod at me. What? We all know it. "Reading minds, you know how that goes." He winks and wraps an arm around Marik. If he did that now, then, what stopped him from doing it before? So, does he know? Could he know? Does he know that I know that he could know? Does he know that I know that he knows that there's a possibility he knows? Does-
I have a headache.
I'm sorry Mokuba, what? Why do I despise social events? Hmm… let me think…. "I believe that's quite enough."
"Oh God, it's Kaiba!" Bakura squeaks. What do you mean 'it's Kaiba'?
"So?" George doesn't move.
"Well! He thinks we're brothers or something; he doesn't know," Bakura whispers the final part, but I still hear him.
"What do I not know?"
"How to win a duel obviously," Bakura's brother mutters. If he has a death wish, I'll be happy to assist his suicide.
Malik leans closer to Marik. "Kaiba just got Anime Served!"
"What? No he didn't!" Bakura sputters, removing himself from his brother. "And there is nothing going on here! You know, j-just a game us relatives play! Haha!" Flushed and stuttering, he crouches by Yuugi, attempting to re-clothe himself.
"Rather incestuous game," I say not giving away how entirely freaked out I am. Come on, it sounds like I'm totally in control for a guy that's this close to vomiting. THIS CLOSE.
"What a cool lookin' present! I wonder who could have ever gotten this for me!" Jou plasters a fake smile on his face.
"Oh! That one's from Yami and me!" pipes Yuugi. It really couldn't have been more obvious. Not even if they, I don't know, wrapped it in leather or something.
Jou tears apart the paper, literally shredding it. "Whoa! YUG! How'd you get this back?" It appears to be a video tape with a picture of a blonde beating the living shit out of a pink-haired boy on the cover. What's so great about it?
"Well, I had to dig it up, took FOREVER! Stacked up under... all the other... tapes." Yami, Yuugi, and Jounouchi blush. Okay, there's a story behind this, but I don't want to know.
Jou quickly tosses the gift behind him. "Ah, thanks Yuugi! I'll be... using it later." He throws an overly-exaggerated wink at Yuugi before attacking the next present.
"That one's from us!" exclaims Malik.
"Yeah... I could tell. Got glitter all over my hands..." Jou wipes his palms on his velvet skirt, making it twinkle. So I swear that's the only reason I'm staring at his crotch- er- the dress... yeah. "Wow guys... thanks." Malik beams. "But ah, my ears aren't pierced," Jou states, revealing a pair of unbelievably gaudy earrings. Ow, my eyes.
"Don't worry Jou-jou; I can fix that." Before I can begin bitching about the nickname, Malik unsheathes the dagger portion from his Millennium Rod.
"MALIK! STOP!" yells Yami.
Malik raspberries, "You're not the boss of me! Besides, I just wanna pierce his ears."
"With a gold dagger?" I retort. Marik melts at the sigh of Malik's puppy eyes; I, on the other hand, feel like puking.
Jou hasn't moved. Either he has a death wish, or he's too shocked to get the hell out of here... or perhaps he's just distracted by how shiny it is, whatever; he's not hauling ass. Porcupine head over there seems to notice this too.
"NO! I see now that destiny brought us here today to stop Malik from taking over the world! ...er, Piercing Jou's ears! Fate has intervened because I have faith!"
"In what?" Malik mumbles as he sits down. But regardless, that's my cue.
"Fate my left testicle! There's no such thing as fate or destiny!" Okay, just between you, me and everyone else reading this shit for fanfiction, I totally believe in fate; I mean, I completely buy into it. You have to admit though, after all the crazy stuff that's happened, destiny isn't that abstract a concept; fortune cookies hold the secrets of life; did you know that? I bet you didn't. Just yesterday I got one that said, "You will have a good day", and I was going to watch Pokémon (shut up, it's a great show) and I turned on the TV and behold, it's Jou in a dog suit against some flamboyant dice asshole. The cookie of fortunes was correct! I don't think I've ever jerked off so much in my life... I mean, what?
But anyway, my comment(s): I only discredit worldly powers to annoy Yami. You see, I play three games: Piss Off Yami, Make Jou's Eyes Flare, and Duel Monsters, and I play these games as often as possible.
So I guess it boils down to this: when I say stuff like that, I'm just talking out of my ass. "You'd have to be a moron to even entertain such ridiculous ideas... moron!" See? Just talking out of my ass.
"Kaiba! When will you accept your destiny and believe in the heart of the cards?"
"When you stop the mass slaughter of cows to produce your clothing line!" Ladies and gentlemen, Yami just got SERVED.
"Uh, actually, those are my clothes," Yuugi mumbles.
"Hey, check out that ugly present," Malik says brusquely. "No glitter or anything." Jounouchi picks up a bleached white present that's shaped remarkably like a book.
"I wonder what this could be." ...He... he's not kidding. He slowly unravels it. "Oh wow. It's a book." Mutt, can you even read?
Little hearts appear in Ryou's eyes. "It's a historical fiction based on the life of the beautiful slave Amunet caught up in the hectic world of slave trading and forbidden love circling Ancient Egypt!" Jou flips through it, lines of neon yellow catching his eye. Ryou sulks. "And Bakura did the honor of highlighting all the curse words for you."
"There're seventy-two of them!" George quips.
"Bakura can read?"
"No, but I can recognize 'fuck' when I see it." He nudges his brother: yet another inside joke I really don't want to know about.
Yami takes the book and flips it about. "Seventy-two swears? There are only four chapters."
"Yes, well, Bakura felt the need to leave some of his own commentary."
George's head bobs up and down. "F-U-C-K-A-S-S." He beams.
"You must be very proud," I sneer. Jou ignores the growing "conversation" as best he can, picking up another gift. It's folded in a paper bag, but his fingers delicately trace over them a moment before running his hand inside it. Languidly pulling out the gift, I feel the urge to-
"Hey! All the voices in my head have every right to be there!"
-be interrupted by Malik.
"In fact, I'm dating one of them. Marik-baby, be a dear and get me another drink."
"Yes, I shall raise from my current sitting position and gather more liquid refreshments for my significant other and the remainder of his entourage. Toodles!" This party just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
"Cat ears. Honda got me CAT EARS!" And weirder. "What the hell are these for!"
"They were actually Otogi's idea," Chevrolet speaks up, "but I guess the Ishtars beat us to it." Us?
"Yeah, and the whole kitty thing seems to be more up Kaiba's alley. HAHA! You get it?" Yami laughs at his own lack of intelligence.
"Excuse me?" I manage, making it sound more like a threat than a request.
"It's a very simple pun actually-"
"You're right!" Jou perks up and tries placing the ears atop my head.
"Do not. Touch me." But being the utter moron he is, he does just that; the mutt adjusts the fabric so that the appendages appear real. Or at least appear real in the microwave's reflection. Cute bastard. "Is there a point to this?"
"Meow for us Kaiba-kuuuun!" Did I mention that I hate Malik? "You're going to get laid now for sure!" Hate him a lot? "Which reminds me-- are you still a virgin?" So much hate. Wait.
"Not counting that stick up your ass of course," he laughs, then looks serious. "Hmm, do you count that? Hey Maaarik!"
"Still getting drinks, Love! Jouno! Where do you keep the ketchup?"
"If someone has a stick up their ass." Where is that natural disaster going with this? "Are they technically having sex with it?"
"I don't know! You talking about Kaiba or Yami?"
"Kaiba! Who else?"
"Hmm, that's a tough one." Marik reappears and begins passing refreshments around. "I guess, Kaiba's hot and all, but he's just... so... anal!"
"HA HA! That's so true..." Forty-four millimeter automatic, just-- POW! Right in the- not... not that I've thought about it or anything.
"Anyway," Marik continues, "I got drinks but I couldn't find any mustard; that's Jouno's fault. You can't find a damn thing in there." He sighs exaggeratedly. "I mean, what about countertop sex? None of that!"
"And that's the best kind of counter sex!"
"Well, not really, Love."
"Oh, you mean like that one time, in the Kaiba Land pool?" Oh sweet Jesus. " 'Cause that was great."
"Children go in that pool, you sick freaks! MOKUBA WENT IN THAT POOL!"
"I've never seen a Kaiba hyperventilate."
"Cherish these moments, Malik. Cherish them."
"Er, Kaiba? They're just kidding with you."
"Don't try to make me feel any less sickened Mutt! When I get home I have to scrape off Mokuba's epidermis and dermis and who knows from there!-- fatty layer, everything's gotta go."
"That sounds kinky."
"Nah, really Kaiba. They've never been to a Kaiba Land; 'Too many kids' apparently." He glares at them lightly. "So stop fucking with him, all right?"
"What didja say!"
"I said open the flowery present Jou-jou." Jounouchi huffs. This is stupid. And what's with that name? I called Jounouchi nicknames way before it was cool.
He reaches for the overly floral gift. Could it be any pinker? Is pinker a word? He slowly slides the paper off the corner of the small gift, and he is the only human being I have ever encountered that can open presents erotically.
"Awesome! A friendship bracelet! Thanks... hey, where's Anzu?"
"Ha! How'd you know that was from Anzu?"
Jou snorts. "How could I not?" Their whole little group shares a laugh. Malik's laughing too, and I know he doesn't get it.
"Anyway," Yuugi pipes up after his fit of giggles, "she couldn't make it; something about melting..."
"Okay... that's not weird."
"Is 'Anzu' not a girl name?" I have to practice more restraint.
"Isn't that a least bit strange?"
"Not really, what with Anzu being a girl... Why do you look so shocked?" If I weren't gay before, I am now.
"Oh, silly Kaiba, you didn't think she was a cross dresser or something?"
"Dammit Malik, just because I half-believe in your magical mombo-jombo now doesn't mean you can invade my mind!"
"Wow, you seriously thought that? See? I wasn't the only one Marik!" He slaps the other lightly.
"I thought the boobs were a dead give-away," Yami chips in.
"You guys, who the hell is VT?"
"Oh, she's the chick writing this. You know, the fanfic; I guess this is kind of... SELF INSERTION! HAHAHAHA! Oh, that was great." Malik wipes some sweat from his brow. "Ha, I crack me up."
"Oh, that's nice of her," says Bakura or Ryou or whatever.
"Yup, I just hope she doesn't get me a thong... like last year."
...YOU SKANK! I can't believe you got him a thong! Did he wear it?
'That's none of your business, you Whore!' retorted the author.
'You heard me!'
'Listen, we can't say those things anymore; look at the rating.'
'I don't know what that means!' yelled the frustrated (sexually and otherwise) author. 'FFN changed all the rating thingers!'
'That's how long you've put this off!'
Just then, VT remembered that arguing with Kaiba was useless unless she wanted to get him in the sack. "HEY!" And beside that, he looked ridiculous yelling at the door knob. "What?"
"Um," Jou attempts to bring things back to the present, "is everything between you and the door over?"
"Yes, of course." I'm going to ignore that sudden bout of third person, past tense; you hear me!
And just then, Kaiba realized how much power an Author had.
"I am Kaiba, and I just realized how much power an Author has."
I hate you so much.
And just then, Kaiba realized that the Author could have totally written a Pegasus x Kaiba rape fic.
"So, what exactly did you receive, Pup?" I manage.
"I haven't- there we go." He gets the black ribbon off after a bit of a struggle. It's a beautiful ribbon by the way, accents the crimson wrapping paper gloriously.
And this appeased the Author greatly.
"It's a- Oh my God." He tosses the present behind him. "Okay, next one!"
"What was it?" Bakura-- well, the little albino not the big one-- inquires.
"IT WAS NOTHING ALRIGHT GET OFF MY BACK."
"Jou-kun? I think your present's vibrating," says Yuugi.
"No it's not."
"But I think..."
"My present's not phallic, OKAY!" He kicks it away. What the hell'd you get him? "I'm opening another one; no use dwelling on the past! Keh heh." Seriously, what'd you get him?
"Is that one from Kaiba?" I ever tell you Jeep's a mastermind?
Jou stares a bit and smirks. "What was the first clue?" He continues opening my present. I love rhetorical questions.
"Uh, the tickets to Kaiba Land?" Especially when they're answered; moron.
"What! You cheapo!" I stare at him. "You have billions of dollars, and for my one and only birthday this year, you got me tickets to Kaiba Land? Ya might as well have gotten me socks!" He laughs letting me know it's some weird joke. "But jeez Kaiba, you coulda at least gotten me a yacht or something."
"A yacht? To what? Steer in the community pool?"
"Well, yeah." He gives me a lop-sided smile as he shoves the tickets into his jeans. Maybe I... should have gotten him a yacht.
"You'll be lucky if you get a rowboat from Kaiba!" I'm not sure if I should glare at Malik or validate his comment. "But then again, kitties don't really like water." ...You know what I just realized? I'm still wearing CAT EARS. I practically rip them off my head. "Aw, don't be sore Kaiba. HA! Get it? Whoa, is Kaiba seme?"
"I don't know; I read a Pegasus x Kaiba rape fic a week ago..."
"I don't know why the hell you're here," I end up intoning.
"Hey, I'm a primary villain for like, three arcs and then I randomly disappear. I'm going to enjoy my fanfic time while I can before everyone jumps on the Naruto bandwagon.
"But why are you here, Mr. Kaiba?"
"Hey, there's something else in here." Jou looks down, genuinely distracted. He's found the rest of my present. "What the hell?" He removes the false bottom to wrap his hands around- "Oh, real mature there, Kaiba." - the dog collar I bought at the pet shop mysteriously and conveniently located near the mall. "You're never going to give up the whole dog thing are you?"
"You're the one that looks like a French animorph."
Bakura's brother snorts. "Don't think yourself all that high and mighty, Kaiba. I believe it was you wearing cat ears not a moment ago."
"And you said it was a good look for him! And you were in earnest! Don't lie, Bakura!"
He glances away, "Well it was."
A light jingle brings my attention back to Jounouchi-- eyes closed, lips parted, and neck adorned in my present. He smiles. "What do ya think?" Pulling at the buckle one last time, he makes sure the leather is perfectly in place: a few centimeters from his collarbone and a few more from his jaw line. If Jou were to pick up Yami/Yuugi's leather fetish, I don't think anyone would have a problem with it. Pfft, and I was worried, actually worried that the metallic finish would be too much if he even looked at it, but the delicate caresses it gives his neck, it... it looks unbelievably...
"Soooo, what do ya think?" he asks impatiently.
"I think the tag's a bit much... with Kaiba's address on it and everything..."
"OH! Don't listen to Honda; he doesn't know! It looks ravishing on you Jounouchi," swoons Bakura. "I never knew your neck was so long."
"You don't think it's copying Yami and Yuugi's style though?" He looks to them. "Guys?"
"Yami, stop staring at him!"
"I saw you looking at him!"
"I was not."
"Don't lie to me; your delayed reaction says it all. He's our friend, Yami! OUR FRIEND!"
"Why would I stare at him now! He's wearing a DRESS!"
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"
"Are you PMSin-!"
"Seto?" He looks to me. "It doesn't look too bad, hm?"
"I..." Why is he even wearing it? He's supposed to get angry and start yelling about his anti-canine ancestry and get in my face and glare. He was supposed to throw it across the room in a fit of pointless anger not model it. He's never... done this before-- it's completely new.
I wasn't expecting... this.
"Doorbell's gonna ring," says Malik suddenly, diverting all attention to himself. "What? Don't stop because of me; this is delicious."
"Better than 'Guiding Light'," Marik agrees.
"Oooh! Remember when Reeva had to fight her evil, basement-inhabiting, life-stealing clone to regain her place in the family?"
"How could I forget?"
"I saw it too!" chirps Bakura.
"Wait, wait. Malik-- how'd you know the-" The doorbell interrupts him. "-that was going to happen?"
Malik slips his hand into his pants-
"Quick! Someone make a rod joke!"
-and reveals the Millennium Necklace, Tauk thing. "Hey!" Yami yells indignantly, "That's supposed to be ours or mine or something!" He makes a terrible lunge for it.
"Yami! That's been in his pants!" yells a frantic Yuugi.
"Oh don't get your panties in a bunch," says Malik shoving him back with one hand. "You'll get it at the end of the Battle City." He pulls away and... puts it back.
"Uh," Jou just stands there. "I guess I'll get the door." He walks away from the impending but entertaining disaster.
"I bet he goes commando." Everyone stares at Chrysler. "Oh come on, you can see his pants too. Like boxers are going to fit under those."
"...Are you talking about Yami and the panties comment?"
Yami stands up with what looks like a pelvic dislocation. "Whether his balls chaff or not is the pharaoh's business and his alone!"
"Bakura!" However, it's the tall albino that gets his word in first. "I thought you said it was 'HIS business'!"
"Yeah, it's one of the powers of the Millenni-... whoa, I just had Déjá Vú," wide-eyed Malik presses a hand to his head.
"I wear boxer-briefs, OKAY!" Yuugi eyes him. "And... athongonTuesdays." I can't even begin to describe the justifying laughter that literally explodes there. Just, endorphins... everywhere.
"That reminds me," quips Yuugi; God knows how, "Jou didn't open Otogi's present."
"I do wonder what it is."
"Oh, it's that that dog suit Otogi made him wear; 'It was time Jounouchi got what made the magic' according to him," Honda says nonchalantly, never failing to use far too many air quotes.
"Perhaps Jounouchi-kun shouldn't open that one."
"What's with everyone's pet fetishes?" Malik bursts. "Why can't anyone have a normal bondage and anal sex kink like the rest of us? Jeez!"
"Shhh. It's okay Malik; some people are just freaks-- we just have to learn to go along sometimes until they learn better, all right?"
"Okay, I guess."
"That's my Maliky-poo." Marik playfully taps the tip of Malik's nose with his finger, "You should get a reward when we get back." They giggle, devoid of any relative sanity.
It's really times like these that I wish there were a better way to describe sheer horror.
"Hey guys! Guess who's- what's with your faces? You guys okay?"
"I figured you'd all have Jou in a dress at one point or another but- what the hell happened here?"
"Is everyone okay, big brother?" If only they knew.
"Uh..." Hey, flabbergasted is a fun word.
"We're fine Jounouchi," replies Yami finally. "I just... can't get this look off my face." For once, I can't blame him.
"Yeah, well, Mai's here you guys." A small girl tugs at Jou's shirt; I believe it's his sister, Penelope or something. "Oh, and you all know my sister Shizuka."
...I was close.
Oh come on, it's not like we've ever even made eye contact or anything. Thank God nobody thinks to couple us up like some actual pairing, completely ignoring the fact that I could care less about her and that I'm pretty freaking gay.
The author cleared her throat.
"So what are you guys doing here?" asks Yuugi in that forever-cheerful manner of his. "I thought you guys were traveling together."
"We are," answers My.
Sorry, Mai. Damn the creators of spellcheck.
"In fact," she continues, "we're planning on seeing the White House by tonight."
"Tonight!11?1" shrieks Jounouchi overly dramatically, and yes, with all those ones.
"What's wrong with that idea Big Brother?" asks Shiatsu or whatever.
"Shizuka, the White House is in America." Captain Obvious doesn't seem to faze her. "Uh, we're in Japan."
"Yeah, it's going to take a while, but we'll make it if we believe!"
"If we're in Japan, then why are we speaking in English?" Goddamn you Malik, you moro-
Why are we speaking English?
"Well, we hafta start heading out ladies!" Mai winks. "Here's your present, Babe." Shuzika hands Jou a small rectangular box with an excessively red bow.
"Aw Mai, Shiz, you really didn't have to get me anything." He looks down and literally abuses the wrapping paper. "Lipstick? I swear to God Mai, if you're in on this cross-dressing thing too, I'll never loan you another one of my tops again."
She laughs in a more sinister way than I've ever seen before. "Oh no, this is for me." His sister smiles and giggles. I'm suddenly very scared for my life.
Mai applies the blazing red lipstick and pulls Jounouchi forward and OH MY GOD.
"And that was for you." She smirks. "Come on Shizuka, we got a way to go if we're getting to America by tomorrow. See ya!" And then she leaves.
"I believe that's the most testosterone we've had here all night."
"Oh Bakura, please."
"Hahahaha! Yeah. Hey Kaiba! Kaiba? Kaiba, you all right there?"
"I have to go." I do. I just... I have to get the hell out of there. Just get up and start walking; just out of here.
"Hey Kaiba! You're-! ...You're going the wrong way."
How could I have been so stupid? He would never, EVER! He... and Mai... and, doesn't even have a ship name? How could I have been so blind? I pick on him every chance I get, and so he loves me now? How moronic. What am I? Five? I'm such an idiot. I should never have come to this ridiculous party/thing.
"Kaiba, the wind's ruining your hair."
"Hey, did it just get really cold and aloof out here or is it just me?" He smiles and fails miserably. "So uh, yeah, when'd you figure out that door led to the balcony?"
I stare. "As soon as I walked out it."
"Listen, Mutt, your attempts at small talk are both futile and annoying; you should just-"
"What's the score?"
"You know what I'm talking about Kaiba; don't play coy. I know you have this psychotic game that we're always playing whether I'm aware of it or not, so the least you can do is tell me the score."
"Well..." I can't believe it; in my melodramatic haste I seem to have forgotten our point system.
"Well what?" He gets in my face. " 'Cause if I'm not winning now, I don't know where to go from here."
"Yeah, the thing with Mai-- I kind of knew about it. her warped mind thought it would be a great idea to find out if you have the hots for me. See, she thinks you want me doggy style or something... in fact, everyone does and this was the most involved Punk or prank or crank or whatever they could thing of and... uh. Kaiba? What are you doing?"
"Shut the hell up." So this is the part of the fic where you the reader expect me to kiss him passionately, where I taste like cinnamon and he tastes like honey straight off the bee's ass and then we have sex wherever we're standing as the other characters blur away into obscurity because no one cares once the anal starts up.
Well, you'd be kind of right. I did kiss him; I won't lie. But it was the softest and clumsiest kiss I think there ever was. That's what happens when you try to shut up a puppy-- slobber everywhere. Hahaha, I bet you're grossed out now.
But more importantly, I'm touching the most delicate lips right now, with my own no less. And his tongue is awkwardly searching for mine and I'm doing all I can to just nip at him as gently as he stands before me because I think he's shaking a little, and maybe, so am I.
"He hasn't come back yet; maybe he's dead already or- HOLY SHIT." We literally pounce apart. "I, uh," Yami looks straight down with his eyelids so far back that it must hurt. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything." He begins smirking, "I'll just be leaving now," and he prances away. "Guys! Guess what!"
I look back at my puppy. Yeah, that's right: MY PUPPY. He's blushing so elegantly and refuses to meet my gaze. He shoves his hand into his apron pocket. I look for Yami, trying to evaluate the oncoming disaster; maybe I could minimize it somehow? A word here and a refute there should do enough, I think.
"Hey Seto." I turn around to acquaint myself with a very bold and sly stare. He pulls his right hand out of his pocket. "Wanna go to Kaiba Land?"
So that's about it, all that really happened. But incase any of you perverts out there were wondering, Mokuba was right: the pool table? Great idea.
VT: Holy crap it's finished! It took, like, what? Two years? I honestly think that's about the right amount of time. blank look I want to thank everyone for reading this-- whether your reviewed or not; I sincerely appreciate it! Also, thanks to the people that wrote "Banana Pudding in their review; I won thirty dollars 'cause of you guys! blows kiss So the least I can do is try to write replies to all that want them!
VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO: Sekhamet, Ryou VeRua, anne-rice-fan, EmD. DeathAngel123, BoxerBitch, Talk It Out, Teldra, Starr and her Yami Brooke, mistskeeper, Cya, Hikari's-dark-side-08 (Muraii too!), Maverick Soldier, Shadow over Egypt, Elusia, Kujiku Tamashii, silver-dagger-113, pisces071, The Phantom Writer, Sakusha Saelbu, Star, mayu-kkg, BloodMistress, animegurl088, Luni Sedai, ReMeDy10, athena, Authoress formally knownas Liz, and of course Selene. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH! I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW GRATEFUL I AM!
Wannaseemymoon- Thank you very much! Kaiba's a sarcastic bitch no matter how you look at it. 8D Jounouchi's to blame for everything! Haha. Yeah, Honda gets called everything in the book-- I bet you already noticed that. :3 I'm so glad you like this story, and I hope I didn't disappoint!
mandapandabug- I hope this chapter cleared some things up; I could see why you're confused (I'm really sorry about that; I should have specified), but there you go! Enjoy.
Killian- We ALL want sexy hamsters; it's one of the many beauties of life. 8D
Saphire Dragon- You ARE persuasive... and amazing! You have as much power over Jou as Kaiba!
Kaiba: dirty look
Ha, don't let that stop you and your daring ways! Thanks for the wonderful review!
Inverse-chan- Kaiba will never figure out the Yami/Hikari thing. Poor bastard indeed.
Amarin Rose- I must say that it was amazing getting such a lovely review from you! I have read many of your fics, and I am most definitely a fan! It was an honor, and I'm very delighted to see that you are enjoying the fic. Look at me being all serious. 8D All for you, yoh.
Misori Chan- I'm so happy you like it so far! Nah, Baku and Ryou aren't brothers (I don't think... kinky), but that's all poor Seto's mind could come up with to explain the phenomenon. Silly Kaiba! Hikaris are for Yamis! I LOVE YOU!
Millenium- I imagine Mokuba's thirteen or so. Right on the cusp of manhood. sigh They grow up so fast.
DHASN- God, I love you.