A/N: Okay, in case this confuses anyone, this is a parody! I posted this over at TF.N as a joke to another author there (hey, MarySue!) in revenge for her being mean to Luke in one of her stories. So, since I knew that Han was her favorite guy, I decided to get even by being REALLY mean to him!
Lo and behold, the thing got WAY more of a reaction than I ever thought it would! In fact, it was nominated for two of the Summer Fan Fiction Awards over there and actually won one of them. (Best Humorous Character in Han). I realized as I was looking over my profile that I'd never posted it here, so I decided to share. If I get any flames for this, I can honestly say I probably deserve them! :-p
Without further ado, my revenge against MarySue:
Han stared intently at Leia's stricken expression as the stormtroopers roughly moved him into position on the lift of the carbon-freezing chamber. Damn, she's hot. I really wish we'd been able to hook up before all this crap happened, he thought to himself. Still, he had high hopes that she and Chewie and the kid would be able to rescue him before too long.
He gulped nervously as the stormtroopers moved away. Stang, I sure hope I don't wet myself here! That would be really embarrassing!
"I love you!" Leia called to him.
Yes!! Han thought in delight. She was a sure thing now. Oops, better say something back to her or it won't look too good. Something cool, and a little cocky...
"I know." Perfect!
That was the last thing he remembered before everything went dark.
He heard voices. He hadn't been able to hear anything for what seemed like both an eternity and only a moment at once, but now he definitely heard voices. A man and a woman.
"...forgot he was even up here! It's not my fault!" the woman said.
"Well, when is the last time you cleaned out your attic, for Force's sake? This much mess cannot be safe for the children, if you ask me," the man replied.
"I didn't!" the woman snapped. Leia? It sounded like her, but he couldn't be sure.
"Hurry this up, willya? I have to be on the shuttle to Yavin IV by 1800," the man said. Was that...Luke? Again, he was unsure. They sounded so different than he remembered.
"I can't make it go any faster. Han, can you hear me?"
"Le...Leia?" he mumbled. "Why can't I see anything?" he said, his voice rising in panic.
"Oh, I guess I could help with that," the man said. It was Luke. Han felt fingers rest briefly on his eyes and a sensation of warmth radiated through his head. He blinked and squinted at the bright light in his restored vision.
The two people sitting in front of him were blurry for a moment and then they gradually cleared and he could see Luke and Leia staring back at him. They looked so good to Han! He wondered how long it had taken them to rescue him. He let his eyes wander over Leia's beautiful face and form, so happy to see her again. His eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw the bump at her waistline.
"Leia, you're...you're...pregnant!? But how? We didn't...I mean, I don't think we did, did we?"
"Oh, no, we didn't. This baby is my husband's."
"Your what?" Han gasped in shock. "But didn't you say that you loved me? What happened?"
"Yes, I loved you! I even braved saying it in front of Darth Vader and all his troops! And how did you respond? 'I know.' Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Would it have killed you to say 'I love you, too?'" she demanded.
"But, but I...I didn't mean it that way. I thought you'd think it was cute. Endearing even."
"Endearing. Right! Boba Fett has yet to let me live it down."
"You talk to Boba Fett?"
"Well, usually only around New Year's. He comes for the beer. We all know it, but we let him anyway because he's really funny when he's drunk."
Han merely stared at her, open-mouthed. He turned to look at Luke. She'd said 'husband.' So apparently, the kid had made his move while Han was incapacitated. He scowled at the younger man.
"Are you the baby's father?"
"What? No, that's just gross!" Luke said, disgust evident in his voice.
"He doesn't know about us, Luke," Leia reminded her brother.
"Oh, right, I forgot. No, Leia's my sister, my twin, actually."
"How the hell is that possible?"
"Well, I found out that Vader is my father--"
"Darth Vader?! Darth Vader is your old man?"
"Ooh, he really doesn't like to be called old. You'd better not let him hear you say that," Luke said.
"And just why would he be able to hear me?" Han asked, anxiety building in his chest.
"Well, he is downstairs. He's babysitting the grandkids while Leia and I clean out her attic. Something she should have done a long time ago," Luke said, with a pointed glance at his sister.
"Downstairs?!" Han shouted. This was unbelievable. He'd woken up into some kind of nightmarish alternate reality, that was it. "Wait a minute. Grandkids? How long have I been in the carbonite?"
"Er, about...five years? I think. Leia, is that about right?"
She was nodding as Han sputtered incoherently. "Five years! What...why...how could you..."
"We rescued you from Jabba's Palace and we kept meaning to get around to unthawing you, but stuff just kept happening. I had to go face my father and the Emperor on the second Death Star, the Alliance was getting ready to mount an attack on the Imperials, Leia and Lando got married--"
"Lando!" Han roared. This was inconceivable. "Why Lando?"
"All I can say is, when I say 'I love you' to him, he says it back! Besides, he really knows how to sweep a girl off her feet."
Han was so stunned, he could barely speak. "And Darth Vader is downstairs watching your kids," he said, his voice shaking.
"Not just mine, he's watching Luke's kids, too."
"You have children?" Han said skeptically. Last thing he knew, the kid hadn't even kissed a girl. Well, except for Leia, and she turned out to be his sister. Ewww.
Luke beamed at Han proudly. "Yup. The Emperor had sent out his personal assassin to kill me, but she took one look at me and fell madly in love. We got married three weeks later. We have seven children now."
"Seven? How the hell is that possible?"
"Three sets of twins. They seem to run in our family," Luke mused.
"Wait, I'm getting confused. You rescued me, didn't you? Why didn't you unfreeze me?"
"Oh, the thing is, I was just using that whole rescue bit to hone my Jedi skills. I had the big confrontation with Palpatine coming up, you know, and I really needed the practice," Luke said, matter-of-factly. "And, like I said, stuff just kept coming up."
"What about Chewie? Why didn't he unfreeze me? Where is he, by the way?" Han asked. He had a sudden fear that something terrible must have happened to the Wookiee, because surely Chewie would have unthawed him!
"He's back on Kashyyyk with Malla. He said the life debt was only good until you were dead and you looked pretty dead to him, so he went home to be with his wife. You hardly ever let him visit, you know. Pretty selfish of you," Leia scolded.
"Yeah, he also said he had gotten tired of pulling your butt out of all the messes you got into anyway," Luke added cheerfully.
"This is insane," Han whispered. He looked at Leia with a pained expression. "You and Lando. And the kid is married...with children. And Darth Vader is your father and he's also your babysitter?"
"Well, he's not a Sith Lord anymore. He turned back to the Light Side to save my life, he had surgery to get rid of the armor and stuff and now we're all one big happy family."
"And you never once thought to get me out of the carbonite before now!?"
Leia tilted her head to the side as she considered his question. "Hmm, no, not really."
"Somebody shoot me!" Han moaned.
Leia and Luke exchanged a glance and a shrug, then she shot him. There was a loud thump as Han's body fell back into the opening of the carbonite slab.
The twins got up to head back downstairs to their spouses and children.
"Now do you see why you should clean out your attic more often?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, yeah, I see your point."
And they all lived happily ever after...except for Han, because he croaked.