AN: Okay, this is just a dorky little one shot I thought up while I was camping (hehe) and just HAD to write it down. :) This is all there will be, just a little gag story that has nothing to do with anything (unlike everything else I've done). But False Advertising has gotten really heavy again so I needed some laughs. =S This pretty much did the trick. Enjoy! ;)


It is said that quitting smoking is a very difficult thing to do... Even for someone who helped save the world... Perhaps even moeso for someone who's saved the world... Not to mention his companions... Vincent Valentine has taken several steps to help ensure that Cid Highwind won't die young from lung cancer...

Step One: Persuasion (TURK style..)

"Cid, that's the sixth cigarette you've lit this hour alone…" Vincent looked up worriedly, watching as Cid fumbled with his lighter. Cid snorted, laughing lightly.


"Its not even ten 'o clock, Cid!" Vincent insisted. Cid raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Shit! That late already!?" Vincent sighed sadly

'You're killing yourself Cid." Cid heaved a frustrated sigh.

"Well, waddaya want me to do, Vin?!" He demanded.

"Are you even open for suggestions or are you going to just tell me off?" Cid shrugged.

"Why the hell not…" He said, still puffing on his smoke.

"Well, why don't you quit?" Vincent suggested gently. Cid started, nearly inhaling his entire cigarette in his surprise.

"WHAT?! You're kidding, right Vin?!" Vincent gave Cid his best Vincent Valentine dead-serious stare.

"Yes, I'm serious, Highwind." He said flatly. Cid swore vehemently.

"Too bad." He said resolutely. Vincent glared steadily across the table they were seated, at Cid. "I can't do that. Its too late, sorry Vin." Cid finished looking stubborn. Vincent let out a grwol, and reaching to his side, drew his pistol and leveled it on Cid's forehead, only inches from his face. Cid went pale, cigarette falling forgotten from his lips. "V-Vin! What're ya do'in?" He stammered. Vincent smiled darkly.

"I'm just doing what those cigarettes will eventually. I'm going to kill you." He said smoothly, pointedly tightening his grip with a squeak of leather on metal. Cid's blue eyes went wide in fear, color draining from them.

"Y-you wouldn't do that 'ta your 'ol buddy, wouldya?!" He insisted. Vincent's dark smile vanished. "Just…put the gun down, Vin."

"I can't do that. That. It's too late, Cid. I've already raised my gun. I can't turn back now…" Cid nearly passed out, realizing Vincent had just twisted his own words against him. Vincent cocked the hammer to his gun, making Cid squeak in terror.

"V-V-Vin..! C'mon! Let's t-talk this out… o-okay?" Vincent smiled evilly. Cid wondered when he would piss his own pants.

"Its too late, Cid." He pulled the trigger.

Cid winced, covering his face with his hands, letting out a terrified yell.

…Nothing happened. He opened one eye, only just realizing that both had been closed. There had been no bang, no bullet zipping into his brain, only a click and a small 'pop!'. Vincent was grinning sadistically over at him. Cid dropped his arms, relaxing from his would-be death pose.

"That was an awful prank, Vin." Cid said, voice shaking.

"Have I made my point, Highwind?" Vincent asked, voice low. Cid nodded numbly.

"Yeah…that you have…"

"Then maybe you should take your live into your own hands and do something about it. " Vincent finished, setting down the empty gun and extending his hand to Cid.

"Yeah…" Cid shook the hand mostly because he suddenly feared the Ex-Turk would kill him if he didn't do what Vincent wanted.

Vincent noticed with feint regret that Cid's hand was shaking badly.

"Wonderful!" Vincent snatched away Cid's cigarette pack and lighter and threw them out the window. "You're starting now." Cid leapt to his feet to gaze out the window, watching the now lost items fall past the lower levels of the Highwind into the ocean below. Vincent picked up the recently lit cigarette from the table where it had fallen, and threw it out the window as well.

"HEY!" The pain in Cid's voice made Vincent chuckle.

"We made a deal. Where's the rest of your stash?"

"Not telling!" Vincent merely sat back down with a shrug, picking up his gun and casually reloading real bullets the empty chambers. Cid choked. "Okay okay! Okay…Damnit! On top of the fridge…and there's some under my mattress too…" Cid's voice cracked.

"How much?" Cid muttered something under his breath, and Vincent coked the hammer on the gun.

"Okay! Three!"

"Three what, Highwind?"



Step Two: Spreading the Word

Tifa jumped lightly at the sound of a knock on her cabin door. She smoothed her skirt and hair, hoping it was Cloud, before chiming sweetly,

"Come in!" Vincent slipped into the room, softly closing the heavy door behind him, looking anxious. "Oh! Hello, Vincent!" She said sweetly, a small spark of disappointment going through her.

"Hello, Tifa." On a second look, Tifa noticed Vincent looked rather harried.

"What's up? You need something?" She asked gently. Vincent nodded.

"I'm trying to get Cid to quit smoking," Tifa raised an eyebrow, smiling. "I was hoping you could help me out…" Vincent finished.

"Well, Vincent, its not really our business: besides, he'll never agree to even try!" She tried hard not to laugh in his face. It really was a ridiculous suggestion. To her surprise, Vincent let out a low chuckle. She'd never heard the usually somber man so much as snort in good humor.

"Don't worry, he's agreed." Vincent reassured her. Tifa gaped.

"How'd you--!?" Vincent smiled rather darkly.

"I'm a Turk, Tifa. I'm well trained in…persuasion." Vincent's smile widened some before vanishing. "I've already chucked out all the cigarettes I could find, but no doubt he's got some special cache somewhere…" Tifa frowned.

"It's still not our business, Vincent." She said softly.

"You know, all that second hand smoke could give us lung cancer…" He paused. "Cloud's always right there, downwind, from Cid…" Tifa's eyes narrowed.

"I see your point!" She announced, throwing a fist into the air, nearly punching Vincent under the jaw. "Don't worry, Vincent! I'll help you and so will everyone else!" She ran for the door. Vincent blinked.

"Where are you going?"

"To tell Cloud and the others, of course!" Vincent grinned.

Step Three: Fighting the Urge

Cid paused as a coughing fit hit him, wheezing. He'd been searching all over the Highwind for an hour, desperately searching for any part of his smoke stash Vincent might have missed, to no avail. He'd suddenly remembered one last spot and had gone running for it. He didn't make it half way, however, before he'd broken down coughing. He straightened up, grunting, only to be eye to eye with Vincent Valentine glaring down at him.

"Shit! Uh, I mean, uh, hey, Vin!" He said weakly. He coughed. "Whatcha doin'?"

"What are /you/ doing, Highwind?" Vincent asked softly, raising a dark eyebrow at him. He looked exceptionally scary looking towering over Cid, face shadowed except for the feint red glow of his crimson eyes. Cid winced.

"Um…" He coughed. "Just, ah, getting some, uh exercise, Vin!" Vincent frowned at him.

"I've missed some, haven't I?" Cid winced.

"Man! You can't just make me stop cold turkey, Vin!" Yer gunna kill me! I'm dieing here!" He held out a horribly shaking hand as testimony. Vincent managed to hold back a grimace. Cid did look horribly pathetic-He was trembling and his eyes had sunk and lost their color. Vincent took his hand and pulled Cid to his feet from where he'd been half crouched on the floor. Baby blue eyes searched Vincent's for some sign of mercy.

"C'mon, Highwind," Vincent said. "Land in the next town and we'll get you something that will help."

An hour later Cid, now biting his nails and chewing on the end of his scarf, followed Cloud, Tifa and Vincent into a Junon drug store.

Ten minutes after that, they came back out with sixteen packs of NICCORETTE, Cloud in possession of all but one, which Vincent had…raised high over his head and out of the reach of Cid who was literally jumping to try and grab it.

"Vinnie! C'mon! They're not cigs! Lemmie have 'em! C'mon c'mon, damnit!" Vincent heaved a sigh.

"Highwind, you can't just eat these, they're designed to help you /QUIT/." He handed Cid a single square of the gum. "Don't chew it too fast or you'll get the--"

Vincent was interrupted by a very loud hiccup.

"--Hiccups." He finished with a groan. Cid was chomping away, quite loudly, hiccups causing him to jolt clumsily as they walked back to his airship. He didn't seem to mind, or even really notice, though. Behind him, Cloud and Tifa were giggling at his antics.

Step Four: Coping with the Change

A week had gone, and so had eight packs of NICCORETTE gum. Still, Vincent had managed to find and destroy all of Cid's cigarettes, and Cid had calmed down some with the help of the gum. Vincent kept all of it hidden in his own room, dealing it out to Cid one piece at a time, forcing him to cut back each day.

Cid spent a lot of time jittery and irritable.

Vincent took it all with a grain of salt, but Cid had just about driven his crew up a wall and around the corner. He'd gotten into a screaming fest with Yuffie, and lost. He'd tripped over Nanaki, stepping on the poor cat's tail, and nearly putting its everlasting flame out. Tifa and Cloud somehow found the entire endeavor funny. Cait Sith had somehow disappeared and was found shut down in storage with a note from Reeve telling Cid to cool his jets and save the rocket fuel for his space travels.

Cid had tried drinking to make up for his loss of nicotine, with Barret but Vincent had caught him at that too, and the next morning, every bottle of wine, vodka, brandy, even the Mikes Hard Lemonade, were gone.

"Damnit!" Cid complained loudly as he began chewing on his napkin during lunch one day. "Next thing you know Vampy Boy there is going to make me quit swear'in too!" Yuffie burst into laughter, giggling away and pointing at him, nearly falling out of her chair. Cid felt like he'd been neutered.

"Hahah! I bet you've lost your touch, too, ya old geezer!" She cackled, a few hysterical tears pricking at her eyes.

")(#(!!($&#$(&##&$---aah crap… I have lost my touch…" Cid sank back into his chair, depressed. "Man…I knew a time when I would'a turned your hair white…" He went back to chewing on his napkin sorrowfully. Yuffie was chased out of the room for laughing too loudly.

Step Five: Be strong

Vincent and Cloud started taking Cid out to fight battles with them, just to keep him off his jitters. Vincent had cut him down to three sticks of NICCORETTE every two hours, and Cid wasn't taking it as well as could be hoped, though there /had/ been signs of improvement. They'd also found that if he was fighting, he wasn't so worried about when he'd get his next dose of what he called 'happy munchin'.'

Cid wiped the sweat from his bow as he climbed to his feet, hoisting his spear at the ready. He hadn't taken that hard of a hit in a long time, and decided he would hit back just as hard. Beside him, Vincent and Cloud were fighting the oversized monster almost casually. It was a big one, and strong too, but between the three of them, it wasn't a very impressive threat. Not after all they'd been through together. Cid smirked, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a large, red stick of dynamite. It wasn't his strongest attack, not by a long shot, but damn, it was fun. He raised it to eye level, moving to light the fuse with his smoke… which wasn't there. He'd completely forgotten. In his confusion, Cid took another hit square in the chest by a very fat, very ugly tentacle. Grunting as he got up, he tucked the unlit dynamite under one arm and started to pat around his chest and pants, searching every pocket for his lighter, grumbling. Around him, Cloud and Vincent's fighting had intensified to make up for his inaction. Finally giving up, Cid just chucked the unlit stick.

"Damnit!" He threw it hard in his frustration, and it soared through the air, nailing the large beast right between two of its four eyes. It let out an odd squawk and stumbled back a step, blinking. Cid let out a laugh. "Haha! Got ya, ya ugly motha trucker!" Its eyes narrowed and it growled, moving to pounce on Cid angrily. Cloud acted fast, and sent a fire spell careening not directly at the beast, but its feet, where Cid's dud dynamite had landed. There was a moment's pause as the monster seemed to gloat that Cloud had apparently missed. There was a soft hissing sound, and then a loud bang as the dynamite blew up right under its torso.

There was a shower of gore and sparks as the entire monster blew up, drenching all three warriors in blood and chunks of stinky monster guts.

"Cid! What happened?!" Cloud cried, wiping purple blood from his eyes and mouth. His hair was drooping slightly from the soaking they'd received. Cid glared.

"I didn't have anything to light my flippin' stick on!" Cloud blinked.

"Huh…I guess not." Vincent grimaced.

"Well, maybe we'll get you a new lighter, at least…" He said, scratching his head abashedly. Cid broke down into profanity.

"I guess he's got his touch back."

"No, he's just pissed."

Yeah, I know, kinda dorky after everything else I've written. What can I say! :)