Title: Ten Things that Never Happened to Buffy Summers
Author: Jedi Buttercup
Rating: PG to PG-13.
Category: B:tVS/various. See disclaimer for crossovers.
Disclaimer: All your Buffy are belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I also do not claim to own anyone/thing affiliated with the shows CSI, The Dead Zone, Survivor, Underworld, Men in Black, Harry Potter, Spiderman 2, The X-Files, Monster House, or Stargate: Atlantis.
Summary: TtH 10 Things that Never Happened to [Fill in the Blank] drabble challenge.
Never Been Evidence
Buffy caught up with Nick and Sara at a convenience store along I-5.
After going on a two state rampage of destruction, the two former forensic investigators had gotten bored and started looking for a challenge. "They'll send the Slayer after you," a nameless demon had whispered; Nick had grinned cockily and replied, "Bring it on."
Three days later, camera footage lured Grissom in from Vegas. The images looked like his missing team members, but acted like bad sci-fi characters, and their victim's corpse had disappeared. Vampires? He didn't want to believe it, but the evidence spoke for itself ...
Never Saw it Coming
The guy was cute; older than Buffy, blond, nicely shaped, beautiful blue eyes. The cane just added mystery. The way he'd frozen and stared after picking up her dropped cup was beyond creepy, though.
"Can I help you?"
He snapped out of it. "Don't go to the graveyard," he said abruptly. "Not tonight. You'll get injured -- there's a guy, he'll attack you in your bathroom while you can't fight back."
She raised her eyebrows. J. Random Stranger in a Sunnydale coffee shop thought he could see her future? Then again, Cordelia had been a Seer. Better to be careful.
Never Worn Tribal Colors
Jeff Probst twinkled at the camera, enthusiastically delivering the tag-line for the next episode.
"Buffy Summers has lived up to her reputation as the most able Slayer in centuries; due in large part to her efforts, her tribe has not yet lost a challenge. When trouble strikes the camp will that record be broken? Will her team continue to value her abilities or plot to eliminate her as a threat? To find out, tune in to next week's Slayer Survivor!"
Giles winced. Everyone had wanted to see Slayers in action now the secret was out, but this was becoming ridiculous!
Never Met Her Match
"What the hell are you?" Buffy gasped. With the fangs, the hairiness, and those eyes, he looked like nothing she'd ever seen before. Not quite vampire, not quite werewolf... could werewolves even be turned?
He lunged again, batting the stake from her hand with one clawed appendage, then pushed forward until he'd trapped her against the tunnel wall. She writhed in his grip, determined to break free, then froze as he melted into human form.
Muscular. Tall. Firm chin, brown hair, intense eyes... gorgeous.
Also frowning. "I thought a death-dealer was stalking me," he said. "What the hell are you?"
Never Been Anonymous
B:tVS/Men in Black
She tested the seams of the black suit, impressed by the stylish fighting fit they'd achieved but still rather annoyed that they wouldn't make her another one in leather.
"Lookin' good there, B," her companion said, running an appreciative eye over her form. "Careful. You might give old man K a heart attack."
"Me?" Buffy spluttered, laughing. "Look in the mirror, F. I thought the point was to blend in; every guy we meet will notice you in that."
Faith adjusted her chest proudly. "That's kind of the idea. Think they'll remember my face?"
"You do have a point there."
Never Been to Scotland
"Let me get this straight," Buffy said, staring at the old guy in the blindingly purple dress. "There's some Voodoo Mold wizard going around killing people, and all he needs is a stick and two words to do it. You want me to fight him hand to hand? What side of sanity did you wake up on this morning?"
"No, no," he assured her. "We wish for you to train our champion in the Muggle ways of fighting. He will need every advantage."
"You are aware that I'm the Girl-Who-Died-Twice?"
"That's all right," Harry said. "I'm the Boy Who Lived."
Never Sat Back and Watched
Metal arms slammed through the train, trying to pin down the guy in the red and blue suit. People screamed and ducked as shards of glass fell around their heads.
"Tell me that guy isn't human, Giles," Buffy pleaded from a seat near the back.
"I'm afraid he is." Giles shook his head and lifted the front page of the Daily Bugle, showcasing the menacing figure of Doc Ock.
"Stupid PTB rule," she fumed, watching anxiously as Spidey flew by.
"To each his own." Giles patted her arm consolingly. "This is his job; we're only here for the new Slayer."
Never Been the Subject of an X-File
"But Scully!" the tall FBI agent pleaded. "This could be the proof we've been looking for!"
"Of what, Mulder?" the short red-head riposted. "One girl acquiring super strength does not an alien experiment make!"
"But it's not just one!" Mulder threw up his hands. "Hundreds more were affected all over the world last year, at the same time! Tell me that's natural."
"You were right, Andrew," Buffy, listening from the window-ledge, whispered into her mic. "He's a little crazy, but he's determined to find the truth. Tell Giles. We need a distraction to get him off our backs."
Never Been an Interior Decorator
"And this is a replica of an authentic Nigerian death mask," Buffy said cheerily, hanging the wooden face on the wall. "It adds a tribal accent to the undead theme of the room. For the glass-faced cabinet in the den, I purchased a selection of typical monster hunter paraphernalia - Bible, vial of holy water, stake, silver dagger, axe, sword, crossbow..."
Steve frowned. "We hired you to decorate, not to arm the residents."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "There's more stuff in the truck. Besides, you said you wanted authenticity for the Horror House. Believe me, I know what I'm doing."
Never Been So Far From Home
Buffy's first encounter with the Wraith was an eye-opening experience. They healed quicker than she did and drained people faster than vampires. It was no wonder the PTBs had let her leave Earth; the humans out here needed super-powered help.
It still weirded her out that Walsh had kept her genes on file. Giles had been so excited, though. "Buffy, what if this means there's a genetic marker for Slayers? This could revolutionize Council theories." And so she was here. Without chocolate. Or shopping malls.
"Join the Air Force, he said. See the universe, he said. I'd rather be Slaying."