AN: Infamous update! Yah-who!!
Disclaimer: I do not own All the way to Reno by REM (the second song in the last chapter), Minority by Greenday (last song on the radio in the last chapter), or Devil's Dance Floor by Flogging Molly (the one Xei was randomly singing). I do not own Headstrong by Trapt.
Chapter 5: Headstrong (Xei)
"Hello! I'm Kinal Xeilin, but you can just call me Xei!" I began my speech. "As most of you know, I'm a varsity athlete in Cross Country running, Wrestling, and Track. Now I'm here to talk about females on the mat. And I mean the wrestling mat." I went on to explain the advantages of being female. "For one thing, females are a helluva lot more flexible than boys." To pin the point in their heads I did the splits. "Most guys cringe when they watch me do this and others are jealous. Flexibility keeps bruises and aches at a minimum." I hopped up and scanned the crowd. Hiei was sitting in the back next to Aoshi. He didn't appear to be impressed with my demonstration. I smiled evilly as I cooked up a plan in my head.
"I would like for Officer Jaganshi to come down and help me demonstrate my next point!" I held out my hand to him. He stared at me with 'why in the seven rings of Hell should I go down there and help you?' look on his face. "Officer Jaganshi happens to live across the hall from me. He is often my practicing partner," I coughed, "dummy." I coughed again. "Man, I mustn't go running in the rain so often! Anyway, since he's the only one here with any real mat time, I'd appreciate it if he'd come on down!" Aoshi told him something. He glared at her and came on down.
"What do you want onna?" He was unhappy, as usual.
"Turn around and face the crowd." He complied. "Now everyone watch closely! Here's what lack of flexibility does to you!" I grabbed him up into a bar arm and proceeded to flip him over. Hiei's face expressed agony. "Jaganshi here is not flexible! If he was, he wouldn't be in pain right now! Now I am flexible! I will have him do the same move on me and I will not be in pain!" I let Hiei off the ground.
"You're dead, onna." I let him have a bar arm. He began to attempt to make me hurt. I resisted without pain or suffering. After I let him flip me over I broke free of his grasp, trying to show flexibility the entire time.
"Well that was fun! Thank you Officer Jaganshi! For both my presentation and keeping our city safe!" I bent over and whispered to him, "that's your cue to go back to your seat." He stormed away. "Another thing about being female, means that you are headstrong! And I mean the song by Trapt!" I hit the CD player behind me.
"Back off, I'll take you on! Headstrong, to take on anyone! I know that you are wrong! Headstrong, we're headstrong! Back off I'll take you on! Headstrong, to take on anyone! I know that you are wrong, and this is not where you belong!" I hit the CD player off.
"We wrestlers consider Headstrong to be our theme song. Because we're headstrong! Now females have been proven to be more headstrong than males because eh beginning we do a lot more losing. But after we win our first match, we stop losing and we- take- them- down!!" The crowd started clapping. "Thanks for letting me be here today!" I waved and walked off the stage. Hiei stared at me. He sure does that a lot….
"You had to use music!" He glared at me. I smiled.
"That's me being me!" He shook his head at me.
"Could you be remotely normal for two seconds?" He wondered.
"If I really felt like it, but I don't!" Aoshi grabbed Hiei and drug him to the stage before he could make a come back.
----Switch to Hiei's POV----
Damn Xei…. Well, at least she didn't make me do the splits or something really inhumane during her presentation. Aoshi walked up to the mike.
"You'll have to excuse my partner, he's not one for public humiliation." She began.
"Serves him right!" Kuwabara yelled from somewhere in the crowd. I'll settle that with him later….
"We were told to come here and gave you students the same lecture on safety that you hear every single year. And I'm guessing that you guys think its boring, because, it is boring. I fall asleep giving it, thankfully by that time the rest of the crowd is asleep so we all take a nap and no-one notices. So instead of boring ourselves my partner and I, along with the help of Kinal-san. Kinal-san, could you come down please?"
Xei ran over. "Hello again!" She waved vigorously at the crowd. I hid my face behind my hand. It was going to be a looong day. The crowd laughed.
"Of course Kinal-san is all for public humiliation…." Aoshi added humorously. The crowd laughed again. "Now Kinal here will be an innocent passer-by. Hiei will be a evil man with bad intentions-"
"Isn't that a bit redundant?" I asked her.
"I did not ask the peanut gallery for their opinion. I'll ask your opinion later." She snapped at me.
"Whoever said the peanut gallery wouldn't be an obnoxious Interrupting Cow? 'Cause no-one around here did!" Xei remarked. The crowd burst out into laughter. Aoshi sighed.
"Anyway!" The crowd got quiet again. "I'll be the wonderful cop that I am-"
"Don't you mean you'll be my cop in," Xei paused as she came up with something. It was going to be disturbingly creative, whatever it was, "a nicely pressed uniform with shinny brass buttons?" People in the crowd fell out of their chairs, laughing too hard.
"Please, people! We have a short bit of time! We will now start the skit. The first time we will have me come in-" Xei cut her off.
"-Magically because scenarios like this don't happen in real life!-" Aoshi interrupted her before the students could start laughing again.
"-And save her sorry butt! Then we will repeat the scene, but this time Xei will use the safety stuff and get herself out of that situation. Let's begin!" Aoshi walked over to the corner of the stage. Xei knelt down in the middle of the stage and I just stood where I was.
"La la la! I'm a little kid innocently doodling with sidewalk chalk on the sidewalk! There is a dark, scary alley with an evil man inside to me left! But I continue to draw because I don't listen to my mommy when she told me to stay away from the alley! Now I'm a gullible little girl! Oh woe is me! I could be kidnapped because I'm pretty and my daddy has lots of money!" Various students started snickering at her unrealistic-ness. I decided to follow her lead.
"I am an evil man. I want to do bad things to innocent children whose parents make a lot of money. I am armed with a knife-" Xei interrupted me.
"-That's invisible because in this over-acted improvisation skit we have magic!" Xei exclaimed while a few people started laughing. I glared at Xei. Then I smirked, if she wanted to play with that rule I could be quiet a bit more than is intended.
"Yes, it is invisible. Because I am evil, I laugh evilly, which gives away my presence, but that little girl is too absorbed in her fun to notice." I crackled manically. Multiple people had to actively keep from laughing. I walked over.
"Hey little girl, want some candy?" She looked at me and smiled.
"My mommy said I'm not supposed to talk to strangers or take candy from them, but I am gullible and have no respect for my mom. I will take your candy!" He handed me air. "Wow! Invisible candy!" I turned to the crowd and set my hand on my cheek to 'block' the sound.
"Little does she know I filled it with drugs that will knock her out and make her forget." The crowd started laughing.
"Wait!" Aoshi leaped over and took the "candy" from Xei. "That candy was poisoned!"
"I thought it was filled with drugs…." said Xei and three people in the crowd.
"Oh no! It is the law enforcement lady with a nicely pressed uniform and shinny brass buttons! She has come to the innocent child's rescue! Oh no! I must do something about her before my evil plan is foiled! I know! I shall call upon the imaginary forces of magic to make her-" Xei smiled mischievously and interrupted me.
"-make her fall head over heels for you sot that she doesn't want to stop and can join you in your evilness!" A few people gasped.
"Oh no! You have cast a spell on me!" Aoshi ran around in circles while various students in the crowd hooted from the floor. Aoshi turned rather randomly and kissed me.
I made a note to kill Xei after this was all said and done.
"What do you want me to do handsome?" Aoshi asked me.
"That was disturbing! I shall stab you with my invisible knife because I don't love you and I don't want you randomly kissing me!" I made a move to stab her and Xei grabbed my hand.
"My dad's an ex-monk! I can marry the two of you!" Xei continued with an evil expression on her face.
"Oh will you?" Aoshi asked.
"I shall uncast my spell!" I cried, not wanting to continue this madness.
"But I, the innocent little girl, unknowingly puts up a shield that prevents you from doing so!" I thought of anything that could stop the torture. My eyes landed on the CD player.
"I call upon the evil demons of music!" I hit play and prayed that it was something appropriate.
"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone. When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
"Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along, when your day is night alone. If you feel like letting go, when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on." The music blasted. My eye twitched.
"That's right! Everybody hurts! Now you many kiss the groom, if you can catch him to do so…." Apparently Xei had gone on with the wedding, despite the musical interruption. Aoshi began to run after me.
"Come back here my love!" She cried as I ran about trying to avoid her. I leaped into the crowd and blotted for the door. Aoshi hot on my heels.
"Get away from me!" I screamed as I ran out the door.
----Switch to Xei's POV----
After the two lovebirds left I coughed into the microphone. "Since the Officers have left the building, I'll give you all a lesson in self-defense, because I'm an Akido Black Belt!"
----Switch to Hiei's POV----
She had chassed me to the car and was now panting.
"God you run fast!" She remarked. I checked on the assembly.
"Xei's covered for us, let's high tail it back to the station! I don't want to be humiliated by that psycho you live with!" I opened the door and got into the car. Aoshi sighed and turned it off and drove us back.
"You wanna kiss again?" She asked me playfully.
AN: I just realized I got my update days confused so I'm swapping with The Swabbies. Anyway, I you want this humor to continue, give me an idea and encourage me to write! Anyway! R&R!!