Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks. I just like to invite them over to play once in a while...GIMLI! GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER! They NEVER behave themselves...
"Just WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?" a female voice called out at as the Walkers crossed over the bridge to Minas Tirith on their way to the dressing room.
Aragorn looked up to see the tour guide staring at them, hands on her hips, blocking their way through the arch of Minas Tirith.
"Your shifts are NOT over! The birthday boy wants his picture taken with you, and then you must each report to the stations you worked yesterday!" she ordered. "Now," she cooed, smiling that huge false smile, "just turn around and go right back to the pavilion!"
"Milady, please let us pass unmolested. I fear I cannot control what may happen to you if you attempt to block our passage," he said through clenched teeth, holding his arms out to keep back the other Walkers.
"I'll NOT go back to those shrieking ragamuffins, woman!" Gimli growled, gripping his plastic axe with both hands, brushing past Aragorn and advancing on the tour guide. "I'll first see this axe, ill made though it is, wrapped around yer scrawny neck!"
The tour guide's brilliant smile faded, and a look of disbelief clouded her features as she began to back away from the Walkers, who, as a group, were beginning to step closer. Each had a murderous look in his eye, and the guide began to think that she really should start thinking of another career choice.
"But, but...you signed a contract!" she whined, making a last ditch effort to get the group back on the straight and narrow.
Boromir backed her against the wall of the arch. "Just what do you plan on doing about it?" he asked, giving her his very best warrior face.
'Why...we'll sue you! We'll take you for everything you've got! You'll NEVER work in this state again! Your CHILDREN will never work in this state!" she cried, poking Boromir in the chest, not in the least intimidated by Boromir's face.
"Legolas? Aragorn? I believe this lass needs a lesson in good behavior," Gimli said, an evil smirk spreading on his face.
"For once, I agree with you Master Dwarf!" Legolas replied, stepping closer to the guide.
"Aye" Aragorn grinned, "A lesson well earned!"
The Walkers surrounded the guide, boxing her in.
Several minutes later, the Walkers strolled casually through the arch and entered the tunnel to the dressing room. They left behind the guide, trussed up with their belts like a Thanksgiving turkey. She was covered in whipped cream, wearing three big, plastic hairy feet - one pair on her own feet, one covering her head - sitting atop a pile of plastic weapons - Gimli's plastic axe, Legolas' bow and quiver, and Boromir and Aragorn's swords. Pointy sides up.
They walked into the dressing room and began to get changed into the clothes they usually wore at home, flinging their costumes to all four corners of the room.
"It'll be good to get home to the Shire," Frodo said, "where everything and everyone is normal!"
"That it will be, Mr. Frodo," Sam agreed, taking off his plastic hairy feet and tossing them back over his head. "I can't wait to see Rosie again...I have a few things I want to show her!" he smiled, winking at Frodo.
"I agree Laddies! 'Twill be grand to get back to the REAL Middle Earth...REAL ale, REAL food, and REAL weapons!" Gimli laughed, buckling his belt and fluffing out his beard.
"Arwen will not be pleased that we did not get the gold we came after..." Aragorn mused, pulling on his own boots. "I fear I will be in for quite a tongue lashing! But I DO look forward to making up afterwards!"
"I'll just be happy to get back to a place where everyone doesn't think I'm dead!" Boromir said, straightening his jerkin. He didn't notice the sideways glances the others gave him.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Boromir," Gandalf said, pulling at one of the long sleeves of his white robe. "Um...well...there were reports that you were shot by Orc arrows...there may be some who think you dead."
Boromir froze, and looked over at the wizard. "Oh, no...oh, for Eru's sake..." he said disgustedly, his voice trailing off.
"Well, I for one, am looking forward to getting back to Mirkwood where everyone knows the difference between males and females!" Legolas interjected, changing the subject. "Perhaps I'll stop in Rivendell before hand. There is an elleth there that has been after me for some time...perhaps it's time to let her catch me!" he laughed, a lascivious grin spreading on his face.
"Merry and I are ready to go home, too!" Pippin exclaimed, "I want to go to the Prancing Pony for a pint!"
"Maybe we could get them to start serving PITCHERS, Pippin," Merry said excitedly, "or better yet, KEGS!"
The Walkers left the dressing room and exited the tunnels to the parking lot. They walked over to the bus shelter, and Gandalf reached into a small pouch he carried at his waist, pulling out a piece of white chalk. Drawing a square and a small circle within the square on the side of the bus shelter's wall, he closed his eyes, waved his hand, and murmured a few words too softly for anyone else to hear. The square he had drawn began to shimmer, and a door appeared. Turning the doorknob, Gandalf opened the door, and held it for the rest of the Walkers to go through. He slipped in last, letting the door shut behind him.
The Walkers found themselves in a beautiful green meadow, not far from the Shire. Flowers bloomed everywhere, filling the already sweet air with delicate fragrance. They each took deep breaths of home, and began to walk in the direction of the Shire.
From behind them came a voice. "Hey! You! BIG GUY! You left last night without even saying goodbye! Hey! I'M TALKING TO YOU! Hey! Who planted the garden in the parking lot? Where's my CAR? SOMEBODY ANSWER ME!"
The Walkers froze, then slowly turned around to see the Wargwoman of Gondor bearing down on them. They turned as one and ran screaming across the meadow.