I was Your Refuge


Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but even if you sue me, you won't get much.

Author's Note:
This is a one-shot that revolves around Tomoe and her feelings after death. I've always liked her, even though she reminded me a lot of Kikyo from Inu-Yasha (have you noticed how alike the two plot lines are?!), who I don't really care for, even if she is the one who should have lived, etc. Anyway, I wrote this as I was wandering through a train of thoughts about all the people who should have had a different past, how Tomoe should have married someone else. This is for all you Tomoe fans out there!
Enjoy! Hope you catch the vibes—I wrote this while listening to My December, by Linkin Park. I love those guys, and this song seemed perfect for this! Please leave a comment later!

You were a killer, always running of to murder someone. I... I was just a girl who had been heartbroken. Because of you. My future disappeared like a rapidly fading shooting star. Did you know...

My beloved fiancé. He loved me, I know he did. And when you killed him, you must have known that, too. It's such a twist of fate that I would fall in love with you and not him.

You were never meant to be for me. I was not, will not ever be born for you. I was born for him... The man you so heartlessly killed. How did I know that the scar on your face would be from him? I could feel... His aura still lived. When I made that other scar, to join the one my fiancé gave you forever, did my aura remain? I know you did think of me... But you didn't seem to think of him.

I tried to live like I should have, but when I saw you...

Then... It was then that I decided that I would make sure that you would die. And you would die and then perhaps... If you had never survived, perhaps my fated would have lived. It was all your fault.

Once again, I saw you kill. Like how you killed my destined love. The crimson blood that splattered on my parasol, on my white robes. I said those words to you... And I fell.

Not only into your arms, I also fell in love, but when I found out... it was already too late. Somehow, when I saw your eyes—the anguished soul hiding behind those amber orbs, I felt so... I felt as if I wasn't alone anymore. No more of the pain of loneliness. I had you...

What about you? Your eyes flickered when you saw my intoxicated expression, my eyes as sorrowful as ever.

Always alone.

Always alone and always angry and always wondering if you would live to see the next day.

That was what brought us together. I was your refuge from the world. With me, you could finally feel... safe. You could sleep in my presence, even when I put that blanket around you and felt the urge to caress your calm face.

But... Still, you awoke. Still, you didn't trust me as fully as you could have.

Then again, why should you? I was just a girl who had been there. I was just a simple female who had not yet yearned my position in the world as a woman, or a wife.

Yes, I was called beautiful, the delicate white plum flower of the inn... And I was just a pretty face. But strangely, to you, I was different. I had not screamed as you ended those lives like you expected. I would not have even if I was completely sober.

Sake... Tastes bitter on my tongue. If sake tastes bitter on your tongue, something is missing with your soul. Funny thing is, I can't even find it. My soul... Where is it? Had it flown away, like the birds I see?

I watched you then. I fell in love with your eyes. I fell in love with your miserable soul. Did you love me, too? I was your refuge from your life. I helped you remember that you, too, were human, that you were still a boy inside, crying for his lost childhood. Then...

When I finally realized that I did indeed love you, that it wasn't just a joke or some little whimsey, it was already too late. You were already fighting your final battle as the Battousai, so feared, of the Bakumatsu. You were already... dying. I could see your blood... I could see that if I didn't do anything, if a miracle didn't appear... You would disappear.

It was then that I realized that I had to give my life for you. My fate was already sealed. Everything was already wrong... Nothing went the way I wanted it to.

If I really wanted to be as I should have, I would have never talked to you. I would have never loved you. I should have just found a job on my own, marry a man that was good to me, and have many children like I've always wanted. But it was not the path I chose. Instead, I chose to be with you. To be your refuge from all the dangers that you faced.

Too late to change my mind now... Would I even if I could?

I watched you wander those ten long years, trying to find the answers to your wondrous questions. You wondered why I died, why I had to save you. You wanted to know why you couldn't save me and live with me forever like you thought you could have.

And I? I watched you finally meet the girl that was meant for you, all those years ago. Destiny had planned for you two to meet so long ago. I was just a detour... I was just a refuge as you wandered along.

I watched you hold her tight when you ran off to risk your life. I watched you as you kissed her pretty face and breath in her jasmine scent, so unlike mine. I watched you as you closed your eyes and dreamed of her... Not of I, as you used to. I watched as you... I watched as you slowly but surely fell in love with her.

Yes, I realize that I'm the one that saved your soul that one time, that kept you from killing anymore and make you lock the Battousai back inside you... The Battousai that I had fallen in love with. Yes, I realize it now... Too late to do anything now.

Now you're just Himura Kenshin, a simple rurouni who has tired of wandering. Now you're just a man who has fallen in love with a woman who... in the final words of a woman long gone... saved you from the eternal flames that waited for you. I wonder...

I was your refuge then...

I was your refuge, your only...

I was your refuge...

Am I still?