Ava Cabot

Dreams and Nightmares

A Law and Order: SVU fic

A/N: Reply to Cabenson's 100-1000 episode drabble on : Olivia reflects during Risk.

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Telling Elliot that seeing the shrink wouldn't ease his fears wasn't entirely true.

After talking to Skoda, and even Huang, my nightmares only got worse. For weeks after I shot Eric Plummer, my dreams and nightmares were filled with his bloody face and mangled body. Still, months later, I see him every time I close my eyes.

Shooting Derek too will haunt Elliot.

In some ways, maybe NYPD was better off without him. One dirty cop stains the rest of our shields and badges. Maybe it was fate that took him down.

The whole set-up with Elliot's alter ego was like a bad fairytale, with everyone playing their part perfectly. There was Elliot, the knight in shining armor, Derek, the villain that everyone's after, and me, the not-so- innocent bystander.

Playing his wife changed something in me. Even if it was undercover, I still bore a wedding ring and called him Honey. It made me wonder what it was really like to play Elliot's soul mate in real life, to be the one and only Mrs. Elliot Stabler. Kathy never really realized how good she had it.

I lied to Cragen when I said that there wouldn't be a problem playing Elliot's alter-ego wife for a few hours. In my mind, I kept telling myself that it was just an act, one that was required for our sting operation. Elliot's alter ego was in too deep to pull out now.

Derek and his accomplices already knew all about "Greg Elliot's" life, his wife and four kids, his house in Forest Hills, even his social security number, probably.

Obviously he had to have a wife there, to hold up the story. Kathy, his real wife, wasn't a cop. To put her in a dangerous situation would be toying with her life--a risk that couldn't have been taken. There was limited time to find a person Elliot was comfortable playing husband too.

I was the perfect candidate.

Even now I still think about my time playing Elliot's wife, wondering if I shouldn't have treated it so realistically. It hurts, knowing that Elliot would never see me in that situation. He already has someone to call his wife, and she isn't me.

Then again, it's not as if I'd ever put him in that situation. Maybe my problem is that I care about him too much.

Now it's dark outside, with the shadows falling into place, and the moon rising to bathe the city in pale light.

Night has finally fallen across Manhattan.

And tonight, when I close my eyes to sleep for a few hours, I'll see two faces tonight, just because my subconscious wants to torture me even more. I'll see them in my dreams and nightmares.

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Word count: 456