Disclaimer: don't own anything.
Spoiler: Season 10 Finale
Summary: After Luka witnesses Sam turn away from him, he decides he's had enough heartbreak.
Rain is an unexpected thing, Luka thought glancing out the window and clutching a mug of coffee to his chest with one hand, while the other pinched the bridge of his nose. It was silent in his bedroom, but the first rays of sunshine tried desperately to breakthrough the grim weather of the night.
Alas day was here, and that meant another 10-hour shift without so much as a break to catch a breath, not that he was complaining, he'd known that this job of saving people came with restrictions, and if sleep was his ultimate sacrifice, so be it. At least another person would breathe tonight, and no he wasn't trying to be noble, it just so happened that in his position you couldn't help but be self-pitying.
Remembering when you lost someone dear to you like Dr. Kovac had, a decade earlier, you couldn't help but somehow see the face of your deceased loved ones in the faces of traumatized youth or health impaired elderly. That's what got him to his feet in the morning, besides the coffee that was today laced with cognac.
He didn't have a problem with drinking. He didn't have an addictive personality. He never wondered about lighting a joint and tweaking the day away like some people his age still thought about. He never had any intention of breaking promises or not attending important meetings, but he also had no intention of nursing his broken heart after three months of waiting.
Sam was just not coming back and he had to accept it. Closing his eyes, Luka willed himself to remember the months of happiness he'd spent believing that she really let him in, believing that her son Alex could finally grow up with a father figure in his life. Hell, he was so wrong.
And in his profession there was no room for error, perhaps his personal life differed greatly from his successful career, and yet Luka couldn't help but wonder if it was somehow his fault that Sam skipped town.
Looking down at his coffee, he chastised himself for blaming himself again. It wasn't his fault. It was never his fault and that's what ate away at him.
When his wife and two kids died in the war, he was powerless to stop it.
When Carol Hathaway walked away from him, he could do nothing except give her a path of freedom, after all she was a grown lady, with two kids to raise and a decision to make, and no matter how loving he was maybe she didn't love him back.
Maybe Sam never loved him back either, and it was true that certain circumstances in her past didn't allow her the capacity to love, but was it his fault? No.
Taking another sip of the laced coffee, Luka stared out on to the street, refusing to move from his spot, and even though at the rate he was going, he'd be late for work anyway he couldn't help feeling guilty that he wasn't already dressed and ready to go.
Suddenly the phone ring pulled him out of his reprieve, and he walked over to the cordless set. The caller ID flashed "Lockhart" and Luka let out a bitter yet rueful chuckle into the empty room.
Of all his failed relationships with women, those that he treasured and didn't, not one of them could ever compare to the confusion he felt after he broke up with Abby.
No wonder a smile flashed on his face when she greeted him 'hello', she was still a mystery in his life, and hopefully not all was lost yet…
And I find it kinda funnyI find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had