I Found It Worth Living
By Maddy

Summary: Buffy writes Angel a letter, but never sent it.

Rating: G

Spoilers: Nothing specific.

Timeline: Riley knows about Angel, so it's after 'Sanctuary'.

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all, other more important people do. Feedback: I love feedback and would love some from you. Yes, you.

Author's Notes: I also found this on the computer. Tell me what you think, this will only be a one part thing.

Dear Angel...

It's me, Buffy. But I guess you already knew that. Even though you'll never get this letter, I don't know where to send it. But I do have an sneaking suspicion that you told Giles where you'd be going...just in case I guess.

I suppose this letter is about me seeing my feelings and really thinking them through. Kinda therapy, but the kind of therapy that doesn't charge by the hour. Now to the feeling part...

I wish I could hate you, you left me. The one great thing in my life and it went away. But I don't hate you, god, I even understand why you did it...the children, the sunlight...the making love. None of which we could have together, so you left me. So I could have those things with a different guy. I know you don't like that idea, me being with someone else. Hell, I don't like that idea.

Yeah, I wish I could hate you. It would make all this so much simpler. I remember you telling me that once, that hate makes it simple, easy...but, unfortunately, when it comes to us it's never easy.

I could never hate you. Damn it, I love you more, because you loved me enough to let me go, even with me hanging on for dear life. You've always been the strong one, how could you not? You're the vampire with a soul. There's no way anyone on earth can understand what that's like, to have lived those memories as though they were your own actions. They weren't you know. The man I love would never do those things. The monster I know would.

Your strength, your heart and your soul has had to suffer and endure so much, and that makes me love you more. I know who you are, the man with a demon inside, not the other way 'round, and I love him with all I am.

Before I started writing this I had all this stuff in my head all planned out, about how lonely I feel, lost and alone, but I don't really need to go into that, do I? 'Cause you're feeling it too. Your pain is my pain. And mine is yours.

You're my soulmate, Angel. My one and only true love. I'll never be able to love anyone the way I love you. Won't even be able to come close. Because, frankly I'm all tapped out. I gave all my love to you, you're all I love.

This is much shorter than I thought it would have been, but I don't really think the fact that you're gone as sunk in. It's only been 2 months. 2 months that have felt like 2 years.

When it really sinks in, I'll probably cry some more, beat the crap out of some demons, and then go on with my life.

The one without you in it. The one I don't find worth living for too long. But my life with you, I found it worth living.

I don't know what the future holds, no one does, but if they do, they should give me a heads up once in a while. I once told you, that when I look into the future, all I see is you, all I want is you. I meant it then and I still mean it now. I know my fate is to be with you in the end, hey this could be the journey we have to take to get there, hope it's not too long. You're my destiny. Don't forget that. Well, I hope you don't since you won't be getting this letter.

So, I'll just trust and hope, that no matter what happens, or no matter what I might say, I'll forever love you.

Still, and always, your girl.

Love, Buffy.

My fists clenched the piece of paper, scrunching it up into a ball. Disbelief filled my mind. This couldn't happen to me. I had the loving girlfriend, the somewhat perfect relationship. But I didn't. I never did. She doesn't love me. My girlfriend is in love with the vampire. Not me...

How could I have been so stupid? She wrote this four months ago, never sent it, but never threw it out. Why?

Because she doesn't love me.

She loves him.