Judge's Choice Award, Kumoricon 2004
Best Newbie Authors, Kumoricon 2004
(but should this have even been submitted, let alone won?)
The authors offer no apologies for this story but we ask you to keep in mind that it IS a parody.
The Pixie Stick induced all-purpose yaoi Naruto fanfiction
By Ninja Shen, Hyuuga-Neji, and Lala to the power of 2
So Iruka was in class one day and he looked out the window and all of a sudden it occurred to him that he was in love with Kakashi. Oh yeah, just like That. Even though they barely knew each others names, and the only times they had ever spoken before were not on friendly terms ("They are no longer your students, now they are my soldiers" he remembered Kakashi saying") but nonetheless Kakashi was really quite attractive even though he really couldn't see his face most of the time but he was really quite sure that he was right about that, and after all he was another guy about his age and Iruka was totally into that.
His thoughts kept trailing back to Kakashi throughout the day, and it was sort of distracting his teachings. His mind wandered to Kakashi's fine, hot, sexy body... at least, he was pretty sure he had a fine, hot, sexy body... it was sort of hard to tell... but he was sure at least that he had a beautiful... eye... and his, um... hair! It was so... gray. Then there was the... sort of general shape of his face...
And that ass! My God, what a gorgeous ass!
But should he tell Kakashi? Omigod DRAMA!
So after that he ended up wandering around town in a sort of haze (AFTER class, baka), with his thoughts all a jumble, when he bumped into Kakashi. Oh no! Embarrassed! He began to blush. Kakashi gave him a sort of strange look and said "... Are you okay?..."
Iruka wanted to tell him everything, all his dirty thoughts and secret desires... but no! It was not meant to be!
"Kakashi, we cannot keep meeting like this! It is forbidden, Taboo!"
Iruka, in a moment of blinding irrationality, flew forward and embraced Kakashi, before fleeing, tears streaming from the corners of his eyes, wailing "Ohh! Kakashi!!!"
Kakashi watched Iruka go, confusion obvious in his one visible eye. But as he watched Iruka's fine, tight ass as he ran, he thought "Now that I think about it, I'm totally in love with Iruka." It seemed perfectly reasonable to him. And Kakashi, for the first time in his life, felt strange, foreign desires that he had never felt before, for the first time, ever, before, for this chuunin stud muffin. Oh yeah... he was the stud muffin sensei.
His student Sasuke, whom he hadn't noticed earlier cuz he was thinking of Iruka's ass, interrupted Kakashi's thoughts.
"Oh, Sasuke," he said, looking down at his former lover, "What is it?"
"I have to tell Naruto something, it's very important, I'm totally in love with him. Have you seen him?"
"Yeah, somewhere, I dunno. I'm kinda busy now, got some... things... to do... You know."
"I'm sort of confused, because I've never felt this way before in my life, ever, before, for the first time, and I don't know what to do. Do I tell Naruto of my deep, unbiding need for him, or do I lock it away deep within me and turn it into more angst as so much of my feeling are? Was that grammatically coherent?"
"Uh huh... uh huh... I'm listening... Yeah, that's a problem... You better, um... do what your heart tells you, or something..." Kakashi began to wander away after Iruka, having not listened to a single word Sasuke had told him. Sasuke considered this advice.
"Thanks, sensei," he said, and began his search for the object of his deep unbiding need, passing by Rock Lee and Neji making out as he did without even blinking.
As he looked, he stopped at the riverbank, where he saw Konohamaru resting dreamily under the shade of a tree with Gaara. Gaara's arm was resting lazily around Konohamaru's shoulder, a look of pure contentment on his face.
"Wow", said Konohamaru, "I didn't even know you could do that kind of thing with sand."
"Hey," said Sasuke, "I'm looking for Naruto, have you seen him?" His thoughts now were focused on Naruto so intently, that the scene before him didn't even phase his sense of what is right and wrong.
"No," said Gaara. "I mean wait. Yes. He's at the training grounds."
Sasuke ran off towards the training grounds, passing by Shikamaru and Chouji making out, Chouji stopping occasionally to eat some chips, and Sasuke didn't even blink at it as he ran at blinding ninja speed while Gaara leaned over and kissed Konohamaru deeply, as sand enveloped them, hiding their bodies from the world.
Hell yeah! Now this is getting HOT!
But when Sasuke got to the training grounds, Naruto wasn't there, either. Instead he found his sensei, Kakashi, and his other sensei, Iruka. Sexy ninja bishounen!
"I still can't find Naruto," Sasuke said.
"Well, you keep looking," said Kakashi, "I'll let him know if I see him."
"Okay." As Sasuke left, passing by Kiba and Shino cuddling without even blinking as he ran. Kakashi's attention came back to Iruka.
Kakashi and Iruka stared deeply into each other's eyes, and they kissed as a wordless bond of love bloomed between them, silently, without a sound, soundlessly, except for the sound of them making out. Then hard-core yaoi sex happened. Right there, at the training grounds. Afterwards, Kakashi buttoned his pants and Iruka took a drag off his cigarette, and they went to the noodle shop to get some lunch. Yeah! How about that? SEXY!
So they got to the noodle shop and they found Naruto there eating ramen, because for some reason Sasuke hadn't thought to check there. Kakashi said, "Naruto, I think Sasuke is looking for you."
Naruto's eyes went alight. "Sasuke? Looking for me? I'm so happy! I wanted to tell him something! I've wanted to tell him about my deep, unbiding need for him, in my pants, my passion and longing that comes from deep within! My pants! Even though I'm only twelve years old and I barely understand girls I've already decided my sexual preference and it's for that mysterious, angstyness that's so sexy! Angstyness is a word because I just said it! I'm in love with Sasuke!"
"You're in love with me?"
Naruto turned around and saw Sasuke standing right behind him. He had heard every word! Because it's easier this way!
"Yes!" said Naruto, blushing, "I'm in love with you, and I don't care what you think of me for it!" ANGST!
"Naruto, I'm in love with you, too!"
"Omigawd! Really? That's so cool!"
"Yes, it's true! Even though I'm the last surviving Uchiha (after I kill my brother, that is), and I have this sort of obligation to revive my clan, which kinda entails marrying a woman and having lots of babies, I don't care! Screw the Uchiha clan, I'm in love with you!"
They then kissed passionately, deeply, the best the could since neither of them really knew how to kiss very well, but it was really all very cute. Then, I dunno, more hard-core yaoi sex happened. Somewhere in there, there was some fox charka and the sharingan, because that really helps in hard- core yaoi sex. You wouldn't believe it, but it's true. I have it from a good source.
And Konohamaru was never seen again and no more children were ever born in Konoha. The end.