A/N: Hi people, it's me again. This is a different breed of fanfic for me, neither a LoI fic nor a mindless, plotless, random and utterly insane one. It's really odd though, but hopefully you'll find it funny. I've redone the paragraphing (hopefully) so now you can actually READ it! (fanfare)
Very important – Previously I was actually using extracts from a Flash Movie known more commonly as 8-bit theater. The original version of this mentioned it on the Disclaimer, but I accidentally left it off the revamped one, actually committing plagiarism, which I feel extremely bad about, especially since I've been plagiarized before and know how it feels. Anyway, I've redone it without anything but my own ideas in (except for one continuation of Latios', but that's with total permission). So sorry to the maker(s) of 8-bit theatre, and many thinks to Clashachu for pointing this out.
Disclaimer: WHAT?! You dare sue me?! I will slowly torture you to death with my sheer insanity! Bwahaha!!!
Dedication: To Latios, a writer of madness, and Sarah, who is just mad.
I looked at the blank screen. I pressed a bright red button from an array on the dimly lit desk in front of me. The screen flickered into life. A fuzzy picture emerged, the back of a black, leather chair. I gulped slightly and continued staring at the screen as the chair slowly swiveled around. I wiped a few beads of sweat from my forehead. I saw Mudkip's face, covered mostly by black glasses turn toward me, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed he was stroking a potted plant.
"So, we meet again, Agent Pikachu" he stated solemnly, continuing to fondle the geranium, "Pikachu, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to retrieve the Disk from the clutches from the evil Pokémon mastermind, Togepi."
I was astounded. "The Disk? Togepi has stolen the Disk?"
Mudkip's shaded eyes gave nothing away. He nodded slowly.
If I refused the mission, I would be 'binned' from the FBI in disgrace and would also have to live with the thought that I could have lost the whole FBI by failing to recover the Disk, a vital piece of outstanding technology, perfected over hours and hours of slaving by the most accomplished scientists in the world. Yup, we needed that Disk back. However; did I have the nerve to do it? Nobody had ever entered Togepi's wrath before and survived. I knew why Mudkip had assigned me to this task. I had never failed a mission. If anyone could do it, I could.
Nevertheless, I was having second, third and fourth thoughts about doing this.
Mudkip's anxious yet stern voice snapped me out of questioning my limits. I could do this. The FBI needed me to do this. And I would. Or die trying.
"Yes." I said, with as much energy as I could under the circumstances, "I will do whatever it takes to get that Disk back."
Mudkip half-smiled. "Be careful, Togepi's forces are of such force that we can barely comprehend it. We will give you some accomplices and as much help as we can. However, should you fail…"
"You have our trust, agent Pikachu. Good luck."
The picture faded. I took several deep breaths and wiped my brow again. Wrapping my long, black coat around myself, I turned and walked out of the back room of the shoe shop.
I had to throw off a few suspicious-looking characters on the way back to the FBI central. I fried about seven Pokémon. They could have all been working for Togepi, you can't be too careful. I reached the center two hours later, with a team of elite agents; a Xatu with a broken wing, a part-amnesic Totodile and an Umbreon. They all look up for the job, although I have my doubts about the Umbreon. He doesn't seem as fit as the others. With our new, state-of-the-art weapons including a left-handed can-opener and a Jigglypuff toothbrush, we set off on our quest, knowing the chances of us returning were slim.
"Remind me why we're going on this quest anyway?" Totodile asked five minutes into our journey.
"To retrieve the Disk." I replied.
"What's so special about a disk?" asked Xatu.
"It is one of the most important things in the world! Falling into the wrong hands could cause disaster to the whole Pokémon world!
It is vital we retrieve it!" I shouted.
We continued walking for about four hours, stopping every so often for much-needed rest and to send messages back to HQ. It took a while to find stamps to put on the postcards, but we managed it.
"How much further is it?" asked the Xatu,
"Miles and miles! But you must not fret; the FBI chose you for this task and they know your capabilities, and that is why they chose you for this!" I said, hoping to soothe the nerves of my comrade.
"But I was a floor cleaner for the FBI center! I don't have a clue about this kind of stuff!" Totodile shouted. I told him not to worry.
We decided to set up a camp in an isolated field, though the ground is rough, it is the last place Togepi would think of looking for an elite triad of FBI spies. I am so clever. Sleep took a long time coming to us, but secret agents to not rely on sleep; we are trained, through the most rigorous of tests to prove that we can to anything on stamina alone.
We awoke in the morning and washed ourselves in a secluded river, not three meters from the Goldenrod City waste outflow.
"Hey, Pikachu, why does this water stink and colored that brown color?" Totodile asked.
"I am honestly not sure", I said and then washed my face. Totodile did likewise, but Xatu and Umbreon decided not to; their lack of hygiene astounds me! After Totodile and myself had ran around for five minutes with burning eyes, we continued on our quest.
We passed all kinds of interesting things, famous all around the Pokémon world on our journey, but had no time to stop and marvel.
We must keep on the road, and be as quick as possible, lest Togepi's sources should track us.
We reached Togepi's outer-castle. The thickest thorn bushes imaginable surrounded it. Anyone who entered would leave looking like a Swiss cheese. If they came out at all. Umbreon cleverly suggested that we should use our attacks on the bush, but none of us possessed a fire attack. We could do very little, so we sat down on some rocks to discuss what we should do.
"AAARRRGGHHH! It's hopeless!" screamed Xatu, "We can't do anything, so we may as well go back!"
"Never." I said. I told Mudkip that I would retrieve the Disk, and I will not leave until I have done so.
Suddenly, from around the bushes marched an array of Igglybuff and Cleffa.
"What do you want?" demanded Umbreon.
"We hereby place you under arrest as spies trying to infiltrate the castle of the almighty Togepi." said the lead Igglybuff.
"But we ARE spies!" Totodile shouted.
"We need you to come with us," said one of the Cleffa, straining under the weight of her sword.
"Why?" I asked.
"So we can torture you slowly and painfully to death, of course!" one of the Igglybuff near Xatu declared.
"RUN!" shouted Umbreon.
We ran away as quickly as our legs could carry us. So we ran. And ran. And ran a full meter.
"So…exhausted…" panted Totodile. Then suddenly, a swarm of Cleffa walked over him, bound him in ropes and carried him off through a gap in the thorn bushes. Umbreon, Xatu and I continued running. Then, Xatu slipped over and fell flat on his beak due to his broken wing. A throng of Igglybuff carried him off, too.
Umbreon had had enough and fired a blast of Confuse Ray at the remaining Pokémon. They wandered around; looking dizzy for a bit and then ran through the gap in the hedge.
"How to we rescue Totodile and Xatu, and more importantly, retrieve the Disk?" I asked Umbreon.
"Well, we have to go into that gap in the hedge, don't we?"
So we walked into the hedge, but soon found a number of pathways that we could take.
"Of course!" I exclaimed, "It's a maze!"
"But it will be far too easy to get lost!"
"Never fear, my specialty back at the HQ was in navigation! We'll be there in no time!"
::: Five hours later…:::
Are you SURE you know where we're going?!" Umbreon asked me for the tenth time.
"Well I did until I discovered that the path was far more intricate than I had previously hypothesized!" I said valiantly, refusing to let my spirits be dampened, "But we shall be victorious!"
After a long while, I, using every ounce of skill and cunning I had, managed to get us out of the maze. We were weak, tired, exhausted but determined. We reached the entrance to Togepi's castle.
"Come on then." said Umbreon irritably.
"No! The gateway is sure to be heavily guarded! We shall be captured!"
"But there's nobody there!"
"That's what they WANT you to think!
"Come on! We shall scale this wall to reach the inner depths of the castle!"
So I began climbing the vertical wall. Umbreon stood and watched me, obviously looking to see how it was done. It was one of the most difficult walls I have ever scaled, and I soon found myself with no more hand or footholds. Umbreon rolled his eyes at me and went through the gate. I would have cried out for him to stop but that would have only increased the chance of him getting captured.
Five minutes later, I saw Umbreon's face at the top of the wall and he threw me a rope. I'm sure he used every trick he learned from me to get through the tightly secured castle.
"Come on!" I said when I had reached the top, "victory is near!"
We had reached the third floor of four and we were looking cunningly in every room for a sign of the Disk or Totodile and Xatu.
"Shhh!" I hissed.
"I didn't say anything!"
"This room has somebody in! I can hear them talking! On three, we burst in and attack them!"
"Why don't we open the door, pretend to work here and ask him where the Disk is?" Umbreon gave me pitying looks.
I considered for a moment. "I like my idea better."
After trying four times to kick the door down (they had obviously reinforced it with a kind of steel), Umbreon opened it.
"FREEZE!" I yelled, sparking at the cheeks. A Kadabra was sitting, playing chess against a Lotad doll.
"Your turn; whites go first!" Kadabra insisted, and then he noticed us. "What, in the name of Satoshi Tajiri's second-cousin's nasal body-piercing are you doing here?! Go, my Geraldine!"
The doll remained stationary by the chessboard but Kadabra seemed not to care.
"Are you quite alright?" Umbreon asked.
"I am DEEEEEEEEELIRIOUS!!! Mwa ha ha!!!" Kadabra shrieked, smiling madly from ear to…uh… ear.
Umbreon shook his head sadly. "You're madder than Pikachu, and that's saying something."
"Kadabra, do you know the precise location of the Disk?" I asked him.
"Disk? What disk? I am no disk, I am an owl!"
"What?" Umbreon sighed.
"I am Hedwig! Harry, where are you?"
"Okay…" Umbreon backed away from him. "We'll be going now…"
"That was scary… D'you think this section is for mad Pokémon?"
"Why did you leave? He could have been concealing information about the disk!" I shouted angrily.
"He was a loony!" shouted Umbreon
The next door was closed, but we could hear some talking coming from inside, and the door had a window. We peered though and saw a human, seemingly made of a metal material, missing one finger and holding a ring in his hand, talking to a tall man who has snake-like eyes and was wearing a ragged robe-like thing.
"No, look; you've got it all wrong!" shouted the metal man. "You sit like this!" He slouched in a leather chair, which was there for no apparent reason. "Then you steeple your fingers."
"Like this?" said the taller one excitedly.
"Very good. Now, regarding your evil cackle…"
"Wow." Umbreon muttered to himself. "Not everyday you see Sauron teaching Voldemort the secrets of evilness."
"Volde-who?" I asked politely.
"You uncultured mouse."
Moving on to the next door, we could hear shouts and yells coming from within. I kicked the door, but then Umbreon came and opened it.
Looking inside, we could see a Zangoose, Salamence, Swampert, Raichu and a lot of other Pokémon generally torturing a seriously annoying know-it-all freak dressed in green and wearing glasses screaming "Let me go! I am superior to you all!" and such like. (No, I don't like Max. He should be killed at all costs )
We shut the door and wandered over to the door opposite. A plaque on the door read "Do Not Enter: Fanfiction In Progress" I burst in straight away, and we saw a room with a number of people typing at computers. None of them seemed the slightest bit interested that we were there. They were each wearing a name badge and were staring at their computer screen. I looked at their computers. The Scyther/Charizard girl with the badge "Butterfree A.K.A. Dragonfree" was typing in front of a screen that read "The Quest For The Legends". Intrigued, I read a small extract and it was very, very good. I saw someone called "Latios" working on "The Blotonian Dream", "Chatsy" on "Ash's Past", "Missing No." typing "A Lone Missing No." and too many others to mention. From the small extract I read of each of their stories, I guessed that they must all be highly literate and educated people, to be admired by all. Looking around to see that I hadn't missed anyone out, I noticed two empty chairs next to one another, with two computers on in front of them. Looking at one, the screen read "Summer Camp" but it was an AAMRN, so I didn't bother to read it. The other one was entitled "Mission:Unlikely" and I read a little. It went like this:
"I guessed that they must all be highly literate and educated people, to be admired be all. Looking around to see that I hadn't missed anyone out, I noticed two empty chairs next to one another, with two computers on in front of them. Looking at one, the screen read "Summer Camp" but it was an AAMRN, so I didn't bother to read it. The other one was entitled "Mission: Unlikely" and I read a little. It went like this:
I guessed that they must all be highly literate and educated people, to be admired be all. Looking around to see that I hadn't missed anyone out, I noticed two empty chairs next to one another, with two computers on in front of them. Looking at one, the screen read "Summer Camp" but it was an AAMRN, so I didn't bother to read it. The other one was entitled "Mission: Unlikely" and I read a little. It went like this:
(Wow, bet you didn't see that twist coming! Hee. Well, instead of either making your head spin or carrying on with this incessant and unnecessary drivel, which will no doubt make you become bored of the same sentences over and over and make you stop reading, I'll stop ranting now.) "
"Pikachu?" came Umbreon's voice, snapping me out of my reading.
"Don't you KNOW it's rude to interrupt someone when they're reading?!" I shouted indignantly. I exited, however, and shut the door behind me, leaving the typists to their literary work of genius.
I looked along the corridor. We had been in just four rooms, and it had taken over thirty minutes! We had to hurry, or else lose Xatu, Totodile and the Disk to Togepi's evil clutches.
Grabbing the nearest door handle, I wrenched it open and saw a Kadabra floating upside down staring at us.
Umbreon flung me outside of the door and slammed the door in his face.
"What in pie's name do you think you're doing?" I shouted.
"Stay AWAY from all Kadabra you ever meet in Dannichu's fanfics. Or Latios', Jolty's and Dragonfree's mad ones." Umbreon warned.
"Whatever." I shrugged and saw another door. Opening it, I saw it was nothing but an abyss filled with clouds. I took a step back and closed the door.
"Well, that's the most normal room we've come across yet. Only a 100,000-foot chasm. Togepi must be running out of ideas." Umbreon remarked dryly.
Suddenly a swarm of black flying monkeys came and hurled themselves at the closed door. We could make them out sliding down the glass window separating them from us. I looked at Umbreon.
"So it's not THAT normal…"
Looking through other rooms, we saw such delights as snozberry-flavour wallpaper, Winnie-The-Pooh being tortured in the same way as Max (So sue me, I don't like him either), an orchestra playing the Pokémon theme for reasons better known to themselves, a land ruled by old lollipops, a freaky Italian plumber by the name Mario, a huge house with a plaque by the front door saying "the Lair of Insanity" from which a loud crashing sound was heard, followed by a yell of "SIANNE!", a creature with yellow bulbous eyes stroking a ring and shrieking "Sméagol LIVES!", and many others. We stopped outside the second-to-last room on the corridor. Umbreon opened it and there was nothing but a long, yellow vehicle. Other than that, the room was seemingly empty. Suddenly, a slightly bedraggled-looking man came out of the limo.
"Where am I? This isn't where I'm supposed to be! John! George!! Paul!! Where are you all?!"
"Can I be of assistance?" I asked politely.
"Arghh! It's one of them! They're everywhere! You deceiving mouse! You said this would get me back to the Yellow Submarine!"
"Ah well. I'm off." He jumped back into the limousine and flew it away into the sky, while the tune "Eleanor Rigby" played loudly from the limo's speakers. Umbreon regained consciousness.
"Ringo! Don't go!" he yelled, chasing after the limousine, "I haven't got your autograph!"
"What?" I asked.
"You ARE uncultured, aren't you?"
"Let's look in the last room, Totodile and Xatu are sure to be there!"
"How can you be so sure?" I asked suspiciously.
"Well, we've looked in every other room, haven't we? They've got to be here!"
I considered this for a moment before steepling my fingers. "Excellent."
I opened the door cautiously, it was a large room with just two things in, and they weren't Totodile and Xatu.
"GIVE ME BACK MY WINE GUMS!!!" yelled one, a Swinub with glasses and totally psycho (Sarah's adjective for it!) hair.
"Heeee!!!" laughed the other, a Pikachu-thing with a T-shirt and messy hair, running away laughing manically.
"Dannichu?" Umbreon gaped. The Pikachu-human combo stopped suddenly and the Swinub-person, unable to stop in time rammed into her.
"Umbreon? Pikachu? What're you doing here? You're supposed to be finding Totodile and Xatu!" The Pikachu-person exclaimed.
"We are, but you're not actually writing this like you should with all the other writers in the Room Of Authors, so the story is becoming completely random, consisting of doors with different, mad things in!" Umbreon shouted.
"I see, so I'd better get back to the Room Of Authors before this fic goes completely haywire, right?"
"It's too late for that! It's already mad! It was mad from page one!"
"Ah well. C'mon Sarah! To the mountains!" She left, pointing skyward in her crazed manner. The Swinub, who I could only assume
was "Sarah" followed after her, looking distinctly disgruntled at her small part in the fic.
"What was that about?" I asked when they were gone.
"You won't understand, but this fic should be slightly more sane from now on." Umbreon reassured. As soon as he had spoken
those words, a huge anvil fell from the ceiling, missing us by inches.
"Sorry!" came a voice from nowhere.
I gave Umbreon my "sideways look" and he shrugged.
We left the room and paced back and forth. We were in the only corridor of the castle, and had searched every room, and there was neither hide nor hair of Totodile, Xatu, Togepi or the Disk anywhere.
Suddenly another door appeared from nowhere right next to Umbreon. He yelped. On the door was a brass plaque that read "The Room Of Requirement". Opening it, we met a very disturbing scene; the Cleffa and Igglybuff tying Totodile and Xatu to a piece of timber that was gradually being brought nearer and nearer a circular saw, while Togepi was sitting in a swivel chair much like Mudkip's and laughing evilly. In his hands (if that's what you can call them) was the Disk.
"Stop, evil tyrant!" I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at him.
Togepi stopped laughing and turned to us. He smiled evilly and snapped his fingers (I know he doesn't HAVE fingers, but work with me, people) and left the room through a door on his left. The Cleffa and Igglybuff stopped tying Totodile and Xatu, picked up their weapons and marched toward us in their pink, fluffy and ultimately horrific manner.
"Umm… Pikachu?" Umbreon whimpered, looking terrified of the pink Pokémon that were advancing toward us, carrying maces and swords that were too big for them.
I was sweating badly, but I knew what to do.
"Umbreon! PSYCHIC!!!" I screamed, and Umbreon complied, sending a multi-colored beam of light toward the Cleffa and Igglybuff. The room seemed to explode.
After the smoke had cleared, there was nothing left of the room, but four charred walls, and a bench where Totodile and Xatu sat, unharmed (assume the Cleffa and Igglybuff just disappeared, okay? Umbreon didn't murder them, they just teleported. Or something).
I stared, open-mouthed at Umbreon. Such power! It was incredible!
Totodile ran up to us and hugged us. You came to save us! I am eternally grateful! Who are you again?" Xatu just stared around the room in disbelief. "Hey!" Xatu shouted suddenly, flying into the air momentarily. "My wing's fixed!"
"We must get the disk! Togepi is escaping at this very moment!" I shouted, breaking the happy reunion.
Totodile made a move to follow us, but I made him stop. "No, you stay here. It is too dangerous! You too Xatu. Umbreon, come with me! We must proceed together! "
I saw Xatu give Umbreon a pitying look, because of the mortal danger we were about to enter, and we opened the door to the horrors
We could see Togepi in the room, but in a heartbeat he was out of the room and in the wreckage of the room we had just left. I turned as quickly as I could, hindered only slightly by my tripping over Umbreon's misplaced tail. I noticed he was carrying the Disk in one hand and a machine-gun on his back. I gulped, but remembered Umbreon's immense power. Togepi opened his mouth to speak.
"You may have destroyed my room, but you will never get rid of ME!" he cried evilly.
"How come?" I asked, puzzled.
"I am immune to Psychic attacks!" he shrieked, never ceasing the evil cackling.
"How?" I asked, turning to Umbreon.
"Simple." He said. "Psychic attacks work using your own mental powers against the opponent's brain. And he has such a tiny brain, it's ineffective to him."
I thought about this, and came to the conclusion that it didn't matter, since I didn't understand it. But that was before Togepi took out his tranquilzer gun of doom.
"What are we going to do?!" I moaned, falling to my knees, "He'll crush us into piles of charcoal, and then the charcoal will be reduced to little grains, and in time the little grains will be crushed further into dust and I don't want to be dust! Oh, I want to LIVE Umbreon, I want to LIVE!!!"
"Hey, I have an idea!" Xatu shouted suddenly.
"What?" I sobbed.
"We RUN!!!" Xatu pushed Totodile, who was busy picking his nose, out of the Room Of Requirement and into the corridor. Umbreon and followed after him as fast as we could. Togepi chased after us, screaming obscenities.
"OBSCENITIES!!! OBSCENITIES!!!" Togepi screamed, racing on his little feet, and grabbing the gun off his back.
"Ack!" Totodile shrieked. I agreed.
Xatu fired a Confuse Ray at him, and he managed to evade it, but doing so made him slow down for a few seconds, giving us precious time to escape the mad Pokémon.
Suddenly I darted back towards Togepi.
"Pikachu, NO!" Umbreon yelled, but it was too late.
I tore back toward Togepi and he saw me hurtling towards me, his eyes wide with shock. I snatched the Disk from him, tried a Thunder Wave, which he dodged, and continued running until we reached the rope Umbreon had left there from my wall climbing. Totodile slid down first, Xatu flew, Umbreon swung down and I leaped over just in time to dodge a tranquilizer dart from Togepi's gun.
As soon as I hit the ground, Xatu flew up and Drill Pecked the rope so it fell down, leaving Togepi trapped in his own castle. We turned to look back at the evil mastermind screaming at us. Totodile continued running, smashed into Xatu and broke his wing.
"Darn it." muttered Xatu angrily.
We then ran back to the HQ to return the Disk and the good news.
"Well done, Agent Pikachu, all of you. I would not have expected anything less of you elite agents, but you truly excelled." Mudkip's smile could not be hidden by his thick glasses.
"What exactly was the Disk?" Umbreon asked. "What kind of information did it have on? If you can tell me, that is."
Mudkip smiled even more widely "That particular Disk contained "Pac Man II", a priceless game for many hours of enjoyment by all
the FBI staff. It was vital it was retuned."
Umbreon fell to the floor in a dead faint.
"And your reward is on the table there." He pointed toward a small, round table behind us. "Thank you." His face flickered and faded from the large screen on which we were watching him.
"Cool!" Totodile shouted. "Poké-dolls!"
All in a day's work for an FBI agent.
Wheee!!! Like it? I think it's one of my best yet, though I say it myself. What do you think? Tell me! Pretty please with a Pikachu on top?