This bad boy is for Charlene, in honor of her 14th birthday, and any and all subsequent birthdays, hitherto and hence forth ad infinitum and so on and so on and scooby doobie do on.

BTW, there's prose in this fic, I swear.

Standard disclaimers apply.

Trenton, New Jersey (1/1)

11 years ago today...

User Rohbee has entered chat: "Da Boy Wunder Turnz 14. Abandon hope all ye who enter here."

Rohbee: Nice name. Where's everybody else?

StR8arr0w: Garth is AFK. Wondie didn't respond to invite and Wally's being forced ta eat at the kitchen table. The inhumanity.

Rohbee: This is my worse birthday ever.

StR8arr0w: whatever

Rohbee: No really. I'm going to die.

StR8arr0w: Didn't get that pony you've been askin for?

Rohbee: Shuddup. I got all the stuff I asked for. I got this great kit for smoking finger prints. I think Bruce got tired of me sniffing superglue fumes. And my very own under water welding torch. Those're mad-fun to play with.

StR8arr0w: whats up with whining then, dude?

Rohbee: Well, we were out last night, and that stupid girl shows up.

Rohbee: Lemme rephrase: grrrrrl. I mean, who the hell runs down bad guys in three-inch heels?

StR8arr0w: who runs down baddies in fishnet stockings? Just accept it as a job perk.

Rohbee: There's nothing perky about it.

StR8arr0w: I want you to think about tht statement, thn think again.

Rohbee: Immature. Look, you don't get it. Ok, fine, she looks so hot in that outfit, whatever. Firstly, I didn't invite her. Secondly, she made me slip. Off Wayne Towers.

StR8arr0w: The honeys can makes ya do that. Ollie got hit in the head with a paint can once cuz he was starin' in the middle of a fight. You hurt?

Rohbee: The tailbone and the pride. Girls stink. I hate them, and I hate her.

StR8arr0w: Famous last words. Robbie and Batgirl, sitting in a tree.

Rohbee: Screw you.

StR8arr0w: No thanks. But you sealed your fate. 8 babies and a house seven miles out of Trenton with a picket fence and shit. Sux to be you.

Rohbee: No WAY man. Chicks are just trouble. Ollie and Dinah are really great incentive not to screw up my life like that. And NEVER with this chick. Cuz after I fall because she's a distraction, SHE gets clipped, and Batman kvetches at ME. You'd think I'da shot her myself, the way he was going on. Oh I'm sorry I didn't knock that last guy out with a baterang, I was too busy falling to my imminent demise.

StR8arr0w: Bats is letting her hang around?

Rohbee: It sure LOOKS like. He didn't snap at her once.

StR8arr0w: You're being replaced.

Rohbee: I'm not being replaced.

StR8arr0w: replaced replaced, REPLACED and replaced.

Rohbee: I frigging hate girls.

StR8arr0w: I always knew you played for the other team, with those tights and all.

Rohbee: yOUR GOIng TO EAt thAT !

StR8arr0w: learn how to tipe

Rohbee: Learn how to spell.

StR8arr0w: so some broad is bumping you out of yoru spot as favorite child. That's why your birthday sux?

Rohbee: That's not enough? Then when the cops got there, she was making fun of me in front of her dad. She called me a runt and and started messing with my hair and stuff.

StR8arr0w: Aww, she thinks you're cute back. I wonder what kinda babies bats and birds make.

Rohbee: Then Batman gave me grief about hanging around the cops too long.

User Wndrgrrrl86 has entered chat: "Da Boy Wunder Turnz 14. Abandon hope all ye who enter here."

Rohbee: Girls're evil and they should just go back to hell from whence they came and stay there.

Wndrgrrrl86: THNX

Rohbee: smacks head bad timing. I wasn't talking about you. There's this stupid girl muscling in on my territory.

StR8arr0w: It's classic displacement syndrome.

Wndrgrrrl86: I'm sure she's not trying to replace you.

Rohbee: oh yeah? She gave Gordon ALL our evidence last night. That's MY job. And she m ade fun of me while she was doing.

Wndrgrrrl86: Does she see it that way?

Rohbee: Who's side are you on?

Wndrgrrrl86: Titans together. I'm on YOUR side.

StR8arr0w: He's just sad that he has to go make babies and live in a suburb of Trenton with her now that he cursed himself.

Wndrgrrrl86: ROY.

StR8arr0w: It's true. You marry the first girl that gives you cooties.

Rohbee: This is my birthday chat.

StR8arr0w: This is my gift. Free psycho therapy. And trust me, you got the psycho thing down. BTW, lemme know how Trenton is in the summers.

Rohbee: YOU are the one who hit on Wonder Woman, ok? I might be crazy but I'm not suicidal.


Wndrgrrrl86: ROY!!!!!! You didn't!!!!!! DICK!! Language!

StR8arr0w: I figured a chick that's a couple thousand years old could dig younger men.

Wndrgrrrl86: Just don't talk. Ever again.

StR8arr0w: HEY!

Rohbee: It's for the best, man.

Wndrgrrrl86: She's WAY too experienced for you.

StR8arr0w: Did Robbie tell you he's in l-u-v with a college girl!!!!

Wndrgrrrl86: ROBIN! I thought you were smarter than that!

Rohbee: I'm not in love. Roy's an idiot.

User SPDgonzo has entered chat: "Da Boy Wunder Turnz 14. Abandon hope all ye who enter here."

SPDgonzo: Barry made me sit at the table again. I think he's trying to kill me.

StR8arr0w: Yeah. 'family time' sux and is for the birds and stuff. Ollie TOTALLY knows better than to do it with me.

Rohbee: Aww man. Speaking of dinner...

SPDgonzo: can't they see you're busy?

Rohbee: If I don't come now, alfie won't let me have desert.

StR8arr0w: DESSERT! Hah. I win. I can type and you can't.

Wndrgrrrl86: We'll see you later. We might even be here when you get back.

SPDgonzo: Kicked out of his own b-day chat. That burns. I'll run ya some cheese cake in a couple of min. Barry's making me digest, too (there's NO end to his evil).

Rohbee has left chat.

SPDgonzo: Why am I the fastest kid alive and always late for everything?

StR8arr0w: Dunno, man. Sux 2 B U. Robbie's SO freeking lucky and he's too dumb to figure it out. A college girl. Who touches him. WILLINGLY.

SPDgonzo: yeah. That's something you haveta pay for, Roy.

StR8arr0w: Come over here and say that to my face!

SPDgonzo: Can't. I'm digesting.


Today, 4:57am

Dick wandered out of the bathroom, trying to wiggle into a t-shirt. It was an old one he kept at Babs' place for these sorts of occasions, and it was two sizes too small. It was humid from the hot shower, and it was kind of a reverse escape trick to get INTO the shirt. He looked once at the jeans laying on the sofa, and decided that prancing around in tidy whities for a little while was a better alternative.

"So where's this surprise that I had to be all clean for?" he grinned, looking around the apartment for her.

"Kitchen!" her voice echoed off the cement walls and rang in his ears in a way that kind of made him giggly inside. Nearly being eaten by Killer Croc aside, this was probably going to be the best birthday ever. He got the classic Harley he'd been looking for, Tim had found the entire Garbage Pail Kids card set on Ebay, and he was PROBABLY going to get lucky tonight. Lucky was good. Lucky was hot, even.

Making his way into the kitchen, Dick tried to get there as soon as humanly possible without making it look like he was rushing. Because then she'd know he was rushing and she'd make fun of him that wasn't sexy.

Babs was already at the kitchen table when he entered, folding a white cloth napkin over her lap. He almost didn't notice the choice of attire, she was being so casual about it. Grabbing a box of Chinese off the table, he coped a look down the front of her scant sapphire blue teddy. He sat down, getting that giggly feeling back. It was the best birthday ever.

"There's a little something on the table for you, in that envelope," Babs said casually, picking at her food with disinterest. Dick knew something was up.

Dick opened the yellow envelope and pulled out six pages of chat transcript. It took him two pages to remember what the heck he was reading. The big pink highlighted phrases were a little weird though. "Where'dja get these from?"

"Harper still has the same piece of crap computer he had ten years ago. He's upgraded the processor a few times, added a few hard disks, but it's the same pile of junk. I decided to start 'corrupting' his porn collection for fun and profit, and found some old chat transcripts."

Seeing all mentions of Batgirl made bold with pink highlighter, and certain words like 'cooties' circled in red pen, Dick blushed. "Couldn't you have just gotten me bath towels?"

She grinned with that evil little twinkle in her eye. "Naw, but I did just put a bid on a nice piece of property in Trenton."