AN: This is a prime example of a "Candy-chan didn't get enough sleep" fic. I love 'em, but they usually end up very weird. I wrote this in the middle of the night while hopped up on some Mountain Dew. So I'll blame the Mt. Dew…yeah, that's it. It's the pop's fault!
I don't own Fushigi Yuugi—Watase-sensei claims that honor. I'm just borrowing the characters for this little romp through the insanity patch. Oh yeah, and the rating is for Tasuki's mouth. Enjoy!
IMPORTANT: Due to 's [censored] ruling about script-format fics, I've gone through and typed this out in a story-formatted fic. I am quite fond of my fairy tales, and wish for them to remain on the site. I think it was better the way it was before, but the powers that be (sarcasm) have decreed that we are allowed to be totally creative—as long as our creativity fits into their little mold of what is permissible. What a load of crap. I have spoke…now, to the newly formatted fic.
Little Red Riding Hood
The lights were dim in the theatre. A few dozen characters of varying animes were in the audience seats, chatting quietly among themselves and rustling programs and the like. The stage at the front of the room was hidden behind a dark red curtain.
Suddenly, a spotlight clicked on, shining a bright circle of light onto a podium standing on one side of the stage. A moment later, Chiriko walked out, wearing his usual style of clothing. He carried a very thick book under one arm. He strolled to the podium and set the book on it; he flipped a few pages before turning his attention to the audience, giving them a charming smile.
There are a few screams in the audience from random fangirls.
"Good evening" Chiriko said, bowing politely. "As many of you know, my name is Chiriko, and I am a member of the Suzaku Seven. We Celestial Warriors are delighted to present a play for your enjoyment this evening. The play is Little Red Riding Hood, and will be staring our own Miaka, Suzaku no Miko, as the title character, and the very remarkable Tamahome as the heroic woodcutter, who—"
The sentence then trailed off as a hand that looked remarkable like Mitsukake's reached out from behind the curtain and handed a small piece of paper to the diminuitive seishi. Chiriko took the note, opened it and read it, then refolded it and stuck it in his pocket.
"It seems," Chiriko said cheerfully, "that there has been a change of plans. I've just been notified that Miaka and Tamahome decided to elope to someplace called…I-o-wa. Something about Miaka being hungry for some corn on the cob. So I do apologize for any inconvenience. The show will continue with our understudies filling in for the appropriate characters. Now, without further ado, let us begin the show!"
The sound of polite applause echoed from the audience.
"…or I could explain, through simple quantum physics, how a person could easily achieve immortality by using six tons of raisin bran, five porcupines, a little wire, some burnt toast, and a pair of pre-chilled ice tongs!" Chiriko finished triumphantly.
Crickets chirped in the audience.
Chiriko looked faintly embarassed, and cleared his throat. "On with the show, then?"
The curtain opened to reveal several pieces of wood propped up around the stage. They were uncut, unpainted—just plain pieces of plywood. Each one was labelled: House, Tree, Bush, and even one marked Squirrel, nailed to the top of the Tree one.
"As you can see, set design was not exactly a priority," Chiriko commented before turning his eyes to the book on the podium. "Once upon a time, there was a woman."
Nuriko emerged from behind the piece of wood marked House. "Hi, I'm a woman. Sort of."
"And the woman had a daughter," Chiriko continued. "This daughter was a beautiful, kind girl who always wore a red hood and cape. She was never seen without it. She loved it so much, in fact, that everyone always called her Little Red Riding Hood."
Everyone waited eagerly. Nothing happened.
Nuriko turned and hissed to someone off stage. "Psst! Where's Red Riding Hood?!?"
Mitsukake's voice was then heard whispering back from behind the curtain. "Sorry. We're having a little problem with the understudy." From backstage was heard the sound of a scuffle and some yelling. But finally, the star emerged.
"I hate you all. I hate you all so fuckin' much."
Tasuki came out onto the stage wearing a frilly blue dress, white knee-high socks, black Mary JAnes, and, of course, the infamous red cape. His face was the same vibrant crimson color as the cape.
There was a brief pause in the action as the audience and narrator got themselves back under control—a considerable undertaking. There were jeers and catcalls from some of the male audience members, as well.
Chiriko wiped away tears of laughter. "You look lovely, Tasuki-san. Maybe we should change the title of the play to Little Red Riding Fang!"
A vein began pounding in the bandit's foreheaed. Tasuki growled, and said, "[the contents of this speech have been censored due to 's ban on any and all NC-17 content] head!"
The narrator was seemingly unaffected. "I'll ignore that," Chiriko said. "So one day, the woman told her daughter to take her sick grandmother a basket of fresh homemade cookies."
Nuriko handed a white basket to Tasuki. "Here. Take your sick grandmother this basket of fresh homemade cookies. And make sure you stay on the path and don't talk to strangers, or else bad things will happen, and you'll be completely doomed. Okay?"
"Yes, MOTHER!" Tasuki said in a high-pitched voice.
"Oh, shut up."
"And so Little Red Riding Hood…er, Fang," Chiriko giggled, "went skipping merrily through the forest on the way to Grandmother's house."
"La dee daaa…" Tasuki sang, his face going red again. "I'm going to kill somebody…"
"Suddenly, Red Riding Hood met…a wolf!"
Hotohori's voice came from behind the piece of wood marked Rock. "Do I have to?"
"Do it!" Chiriko hissed.
"Oh, all right!" Hotohori stepped from behind the 'set.' "Rar, I'm a wolf!"
Outside the theatre, windows shattered, fire hydrants exploded, babies started crying, dogs keeled over and died, and people threw open their doors and what was left of their windows and asked what the hell happened. Inside the theatre, the audience was flattened against the backs of their chairs.
Tasuki stood center-stage; he alone was unaffected by his outburst. "…was that too much?"
Chichiri's voice drifted from backstage. "Great…now I'm half-blind AND deaf, no da…"
Mitsukake tiptoed out onto the stage and peeled Hotohori off the back wall.
Chiriko was rubbing his ears in pain. "Tasuki-san, could you maybe tone it down a little bit?"
Hotohori walks back to the middle of the stage. Once there, he stops and pulls out a mirror; he then proceeds to check his hair before returning the mirror to whatever Astral Pocket it crawled out of before resuming the scene. "Hello, little girl!"
Tasuki blinked. "Okay, that's REALLY creepy."
"You should go pick some flowers for your Granny. I know she'd really like them."
"Anything to get me off this goddamn stage!" Tasuki roared, dashing off the stage.
Hotohori beamed; his teeth sparkled in the spotlight. "Yay! Now to go find Granny."
"So the Big Bad Wolf went ahead to Grandmother's house while Little Red Riding Fang completely ignored his…er, her mother's warning not to go off the path or talk to strangers," Chiriko, keeping with his role as narrator, continued his commentary. "So now we go to Grandmother's house, where poor Granny was ill."
Hotohori walked past a piece of wood marked Door. "Hello, Gran—HOLY HELL!"
Taitsukun turned a glare on the young emperor. "Shut up."
"Errr…well, um…okay…" Hotohori muttered. "This is going to give me indigestion…"
"You are so dead."
Chiriko sighed. "After the play, okay?"
The curtain closed, and from behind it, there were many loud crashing noises, coupled with lots of yelling and several very girly, very high-pitched shrieks (all of which sounded suspiciously like Hotohori).
"Let go of my hair!"
"Talk about my face, will you?!?"
Finally, the curtain reopens, and Hotohori is now seen wearing Taitsukun's outfit, sitting on the piece of wood marked Bed. "This is so degrading…"
Chiriko ignored the commentary and went on. "By this time, Little Red Riding Fang had arrived at Grandmother's house, having picked some nice flowers to give her sick Granny."
Tasuki walked back onstage, holding a bouquet as big as his head. "I said it before, and I'll say it again. I hate you all. I hate you so FUCKIN' much."
Once again, Chichiri's voice came cheerily from backstage. "We love you too, no da!"
Tasuki rounded. "Shut up, Buddha Boy!"
"Buddha Boy, no da?!?"
"ANYWAY!" Chiriko yelped to get everyone's attention. "Red Riding Hood went inside the house to see Granny."
Tasuki walked past the piece of wood marked Door and stared at the Grandmother. "You have GOT to be kidding me!"
Hotohori stuck his nose in the air. "You're just jealous of my talent."
"Ummm…yeah. Sure," Tasuki cleared his throat and went on with the scene in a high-pitched voice. "Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have!"
Hotohori gave him a look like a wounded cat. "How dare you! My ears are perfect!"
"And Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
And Grandmother, what big teeth you have!" Tasuki threw the bouquet in the air, sending a lovely shower of flowers everywhere. "Okay, who wrote this fuckin' script?!?"
Hotohori turned to Chiriko. "Do I have to?"
The narrator nodded.
"Okay, okay…" Hotohori cleared his throat. "All the better to eat you with, my dear!"
"Hey, I'm not your dear—ACK! GET THE HELL OFF ME!"
Chiriko took over. "Meanwhile, while that interesting bit of carnage was going on, a woodcutter happened to be passing by."
The spotlight then focused in on Chichiri, who was standing in the middle of the stage, looking around in blissful cluelessness. He was adorable, and everyone wanted to hug him. (AN: Nope, no character bias here… [looks innocent])
Chiriko called over, "Hey, Chichiri-san! You're on! The Woodcutter, remember?"
The monk grinned. "Oh yeah, no da!" He raised two fingers, and in a poof of magic, he had changed himself into a burly, blue-haired woodcutter, complete with red and black flannel shirt, chin stubble, and an axe slung over one shoulder. Chichiri looked around, then started singing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay…"
Everyone else in the theatre screamed, "NO!!!!!!"
Chichiri jumped a mile, and dove behind the nearest piece of 'scenery.' "EEP, no da!!!"
Chiriko sighed and shook his head. "Well, now I'll have something to tell my therapist. Anyway, the woodcutter heard the commotion." The audience was then treated to hearing Tasuki swearing like a sailor and Hotohori screaming like a little girl. "So he decided to investigate."
"I think I'll investigate, no da!"
"He went to the Grandmother's house, where he then saw the most terrible sight of his life!"
Everyone gasped at the sheer terror.
Click. "And here's me and Houki standing in front of the active volcano…" Click. "And here's me and Houki running in terror as the volcano erupts…" Click. "And there's Boushin waving at the camera…"
Tasuki, meanwhile, was tied up on the floor. His eyes were vacant and glazed, and he was twitching severely; a thin trail of drool ran down his chin as he muttered nonsense to himself.
Chiriko sweatdropped. "Ano…Hotohori-sama, I don't think they meant your vacation slides."
Hotohori looked mortally affronted. "But…it's me! Who wouldn't want to watch me?!?"
Tasuki managed to pull one trembling hand free of its bonds and raise it slowly into the air.
The emperor looked pissed off. "You have no appreciation for my beauty."
"Riiiight…" Chiriko muttered. "But it says that this is where you cut open the Wolf and rescue the Grandmother!" Everyone stared at the stage expectantly.
"WHAT?!?" Hotohori looked at the axe in Chichiri's hands and drew his sword. "Oh, hell, no!"
Taitsukun floated over to Chiriko to watch. "This is so humiliating."
In the struggle, the slide machine was destroyed.
Hotohori began glowing bright red. "WHAT?!? Destroy MY vacation slides?!? DIE!!!!!"
Further chaos ensued, and we once again hear grown men screaming like little girls.
Meanwhile, unnoticed by everyone, Tasuki slowly regained his sanity and freed himself. Standing up, he pulled off the dress and cape, revealing that underneath it he was wearing his favorite black trenchcoat-style thing. He then drew his favorite weapon, and used it. "REKKA SHINEN!!!!"
In mere seconds, the entire room was barbecued.
Chiriko, the only room in the whole room not deep fried, closed the book and tucked it neatly back under his arm. "And so everyone was rescued. And they all lived happily ever after. The end."
Tasuki, meanwhile, walks over and grabs a Cajun-blackened Chichiri. He dragged the semi-comatose monk off to one side and said, "This was, without a doubt, the most fuckin' humiliating thing I have ever been through in my life!" He pointed at himself. "Do you how seriously not drunk I am? Fix it! Fix it now!" And he dragged Chichiri off for the nearest bar.
Mitsukake then ran out onto the stage. He took one look at the scene before him, and put his face in his hands at the amount of healing that lay ahead of him.
Chiriko smiled and bowed to the audience. "And that concludes our show. We sincerely hoped you enjoyed it." He turned and left the stage, taking the book with him. The curtain closed.
The French-fried audience stared blankly, the whites of their blinking eyes standing out vividly against the blackness of the rest of them.
AN: I liked this better in script format…but this came out okay. And everyone really should contact about this ban on script formatted things. It's really stupid, if you ask me. I've still got the original script version of this story, so if enough people complain and the rule gets changed, I might just change it back.
Now I get to go redo The Ugly Duckling. Later, all!