Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores

Summary: The Autobots and the Decepticons must join forces against their greatest adversary yet . . . Twin Mary-Sues.

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. Any original characters used in this story are property of their respective owners.

Author's Notes: Welcome to the directer's cut of Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores! Edited, because I wrote this when I was twelve. This story is not meant to be taken seriously in the slightest. Nothing in it is aimed at any one person in particular, and neither of the Mary-Sues are actually based on any pre-existing OC. Please note that there are several original characters in this fanfic that aren't meant to be taken as Mary-Sues, but I'm not guaranteeing that you won't view them as such. I KNOW that some of these characters weren't present at the same time as others. I couldn't remember who was where when I wrote this.

Character Notes:

Rica - One of the human sidekicks, hailing from Puerto Rico. Possibly dating Carlos.

Waverider - Decepticon, alt-mode is a speedboat. Blue, purple, and orange. Bonded with Cyclonus.

Tri Blade - Decepticon, seeker, pyromaniac. Red, orange, yellow. Wants to boogie with Megatron.

Chapter One: Opposites Don't Always Attract

It started out as a typical day at the moon base. The Decepticons had just returned from another battle with the Autobots, this time returning victorious and in possession of the new Minicon. That had been nearly one Earth hour ago, and now everyone was either lurking about the base or, much to Megatron's annoyance, loitering in the throne room.

Thrust was standing next to the Decepticon commander, and, for some reason, he wasn't acting quite like himself. He was really overdoing the whole "star" talk. It was either, "A shining star means your reign is bound to last!" or, "Oh, look! The planet's alignment guarantees our next victory!" Usually it didn't bother Megatron, but honestly . . .

Sideways was somewhere in the shadows, no doubt deep in thought. He'd occasionally scowl at anyone who looked his way. He hadn't said a word since their return to the base, but that was hardly surprising.

Starscream was there to annoy Megatron. He was leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his optics burning with contempt.

Megatron wasn't entirely sure why Demolisher had chosen to stay in the throne room, though he had a hunch that he was hiding from Cyclonus. There was a strange sort of friendship between the two of them, but it hadn't stopped Demolisher from panicking when Cyclonus had approached him about a threesome.

Speaking of Cyclonus and Waverider . . . where had they wandered off to, exactly? Megatron's audio receivers suddenly picked up insane laughter from outside the base. Bingo.

Tri Blade was most likely in his room.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Megatron finally sighed.

"Were you talking to me?" asked Starscream.

"No, actually," the commander drawled, glancing at Thrust.

The tactician gawked at him. "But, Lord Megatron, I . . . "

"Not another word, Thrust." Megatron held up a hand to silence him. "Why don't you go check on Cyclonus and Waverider? Make sure they aren't doing anything stupid . . . or . . . dangerous."

"That's what they're always doing," Starscream smirked.

"Fine. Then go see what Tri Blade is up to."

"Why would I do that?" Thrust demanded, his optics flashing with disgust.

"Not this again," Demolisher groaned.

"That irritating little brat is unworthy of my time. I'd rather join the Autobots!"

"I think I'd like that!" Starscream snapped.

"Why, I never!" Thrust promptly stormed out of the throne room.

"Finally," they heard Sideways mutter.

"Hey, Rica! Alexis! Did you guys hear the news?" Rad asked as he and Carlos jogged over to them.

"Hear what?" Alexis inquired, arching an eyebrow.

"Optimus said a new Autobot is arriving today!" Carlos exclaimed.

"Another one?" Rica groaned.

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Why don't you just join the Decepticons if you hate the Autobots so much?"

"Well, for one, they hate organic life. And two . . . " She winked at Carlos.

"Right. Anyway, do you know what his name is?"

"No, not yet," Rad replied. "Optimus wants us to meet in the throne room in about an hour. I guess that's when he's arriving."

"Gee, good guess," Rica muttered.

"Well, someone's grouchy today!"

The kids looked up and saw Hot Shot grinning at them.

"Oh, hey!" Alexis greeted. "What's up?"

"We need to meet in the control room."

"Yeah, yeah. New guy. One hour."

"Actually, Rica, he showed up early. I haven't seen him yet, though." He knelt down and scooped up two kids in each hand. "Come on. I'll give you a lift."

When they reached the control room, Hot Shot gasped and dropped them as his arms fell limply to his sides. Luckily, Jetfire was standing close by and managed to catch them.

"Hot Shot!" Rica snapped. "What was that for, you klutz?"

"Who is that?" Hot Shot asked, optics wide and glassy.

"Everyone, this is Ravenwing!" Optimus Prime explained, his cheerful tone implying a smile.

A beautiful seeker femme gazed at them with dazzling violet optics that could easily be confused with amethysts. Her paint scheme was bubble gum pink, pale purple, and sky blue. Waves of golden hair flowed down her back like a waterfall. Her charming smile caused Hot Shot's jaw to hit the floor, and his optics wandered to something that should not have been there . . .

"Jeez, what's with the lumps?" Carlos asked.

"Why would she need those?" One of Rica's eyes twitched. "Why?"

"Hi, I'm Ravenwing, the Beautiful Keeper of Peace!" said Ravenwing, choosing to ignore that Optimus had already introduced her. "Please, come hither, my comrades. Though I am eager to become your friend, I have . . . I have a dark history that you must know of."

"Yay," the human girls grumbled.

"She's giving us her life story, and she hasn't even been here for five minutes?" Carlos whispered. Rad just rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"It all started a bit after the war began," Ravenwing began, her breathy voice drawing everyone in and forcing them to listen. "My twin sister ShockStar and I were created by a very famous scientist. We were the only Transformers he ever made. We both started out as Autobots, but ShockStar was drawn into a dangerous romance with a Decepticon. She betrayed us and killed our creator. Her lover was killed in battle while she was pregnant with her first child, but she miscarried when she was raped and beaten by a fellow Decepticon!"

"Transformers can't get pregnant!" Rad pointed out, but the femme ignored him.

"I tried to become the best Autobot that I could, and I ever worked myself up to second-in-command!"

"Jetfire is second-in-command," Carlos corrected.

"Alas, I was publicly humiliated by a close friend and framed from a crime I did not commit. I dropped down in the ranks during my recovery," she continued. "I am called Ravenwing because I can transform into a jet and a raven!"

"You don't look like you transformer into anything," Rica scoffed.

"I am powerful, independent, beautiful, intelligent, brave, beautiful, strong, fast, beautiful, caring, and tough!"

"You said 'beautiful' three times."

"Shhh!" Hot Shot hissed, glaring at the kids.

"I have telekinesis, a telepathic link with my sister, and magic. I can take on thousands of Decepticons and emerge without a scratch!"

"You're beautiful," Hot Shot whispered.

Ravenwing popped one of her hips to the left and placed her hands on them. "Are you implying that, because I am beautiful, I must also be weak?"

"That is not what he said!" Rica yelled.

"It's what he meant!" Ravenwing sobbed, going from sad to angry. She cried into her hands, and Blurr showed rare emotion by comforting her.

"Something is seriously wrong here," Alexis whispered, and the others nodded.

"Kids, stop taking about poor Ravenwing behind her back!" Optimus barked.

Rad's eyes widened. "Did he just yell at us?"

"This is bad." Rica told Jetfire to put them down, who did so with a blank look on his face, his optics never leaving Ravenwing as she continued wailing against Blurr. "I don't like this one bit. I think we need some help."

"You're not thinking . . . ?" Alexis' voice trailed off.

The kids hurried out of the room.

"Another Decepticon?"

"Yeah. She's here right now," Cyclonus said dreamily.

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Oh, she's so gorgeous! Divine! A work of art!"

Waverider stared at him in horror. "What is wrong with you?"

Demolisher, who had been standing there the whole time, looked unnerved as well. He pulled Waverider back into the base and the three of them headed for the throne room.

A seeker with a large chest stood beside Megatron's throne, obviously flirting with him.

Tri Blade was sulking next to Starscream, who stared at the femme with a strange look in his optics.

She had lavender optics with pink cat pupils. Silky black hair spilled down her back and floated around her black, pink, and yellow body. She had a pair of cat ears on her helmet, and the most beautiful angel wings sprouted from back instead of jet wings.

"What does she transform into?" Tri Blade muttered, his red optics glowing dangerously.

"I can transform into a cat, a jet, and this angel you see before you!" she said in an echoing voice.

Cyclonus dropped to his knees and kissed her feet. "I am yours!" he said, sighing happily.

"Oh, get up," Waverider snapped, hauling him back up with Demolisher's help. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"You're absolutely right. It's not a proper courting without flowers!" He frowned at his bond mate. "Uh, does Earth have giant flowers?"

"My name is ShockStar, the Fallen Angel of Destruction! I was once an Autobot, but I fell madly in love with a Decepticon and killed my creator to be with him. Sadly, however, he died after we conceived our first child. I'd be perfectly fine as a single mother, mind you, but I was tragically raped and beaten by another Decepticon." She sighed and smiled a little. "I have a twin sister named Ravenwing, and she is still an Autobot. We share a telepathic link. I also have very powerful magic that could easily wipe out the entire Autobot army!"

"Then why don't you?" Thrust questioned.

"I do not like war. It's caused me such great pain already." ShockStar flipped her hair over her shoulder and placed a hand on her hip. "Megatron has decided to make me the new air commander and second-in-command of the Decepticons."

"That's okay, I don't mind," Starscream assured with a smile.

Demolisher, Sideways, Waverider, and Tri Blade exchanged a look.

"You . . . don't?"

"No, she deserves it."

"I may not like battles, but I still have a mortal enemy!" ShockStar warned. "My twin sister . . . my own flesh and blood!" She burst into tears and threw herself against Megatron, who immediately wrapped his arms around her. "I've done so many horrible things. Who could ever love a monster like me?"

"I'll love you!" Cyclonus offered.

Waverider gave an incredulous cry, and Demolisher couldn't deny his surge of anger.

"You're too kind!" ShockStar whimpered, leaving Megatron's lap to embrace Cyclonus.

"Hey!" Waverider snapped, trying to tear them apart. "Don't you dare touch him. He's taken."

"Yeah!" Demolisher added, sticking out his chest for emphasis.

"It's over, Waverider," Cyclonus said darkly, pulling ShockStar back to him.

"But . . . but I . . . " The other two Decepticons were too stunned to say anything.

"Please, stop fighting!" ShockStar begged tearfully.

"Get off of him, you little tramp!"


"They're very sorry ShockStar," Sideways stepped in. "They're just . . . jealous. If you'll allow me, Lord Megatron, I'll remove them from her presence."

Megatron hummed thoughtfully. "Yes, see that you do. I had wanted to make a good impression on her, you two. Now get out of my sight!"

Sideways pulled them out of the room. Tri Blade quickly followed.

They walked down the corridor until they were out of hearing range. Demolisher pulled his hand out of Sideways' gripped and crossed his arms as best he could. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Look," Sideways said, letting go of Waverider. "Something is obviously not right. Have you noticed that Tidal Wave disappeared and no one has mentioned it?" The other three nodded. "And . . . despite the fact Cyclonus is completely insane, he'd never do something this to you and Demolisher," he added, looking at Waverider.

"Yeah, we know," Demolisher said tiredly. "But this ShockStar character has made him so hostile!"

The others stared at him.

"Well, more so than usual."

"What are going to do?" Tri Blade asked. "Lord Megatron is showing such emotion for her."

"We need help," Sideways scowled.

"You're not thinking . . . ?" Demolisher's voice trailed off as they fled to the first empty room a computer they could find.

"We need your help!" Rad and Waverider exclaimed at the same time.

"Hold up!" said Rica. "Let me guess. ShockStar showed up at your base?"

"And I'm assuming Ravenwing is with you?" Sideways retorted. 'This is interfering with my plans. Unicron will not be pleased,' he thought bitterly.

"Yep," Carlos confirmed with a sigh. "What are we going to do? When Optimus is bursting out in a long speech, he's yelling at us! Hot Shot and Jetfire are totally in love with this girl, Blurr and Scavenger are being really nice, Sideswipe is hugging everyone in sight, and . . . well, we have no idea what happened to Hoist."

"Yeah? Well . . . Megatron, Cyclonus, and Starscream are obsessed with Ravenwing. Thrust won't shut up about the stars, and Tidal Wave just vanished."

"Starscream is what?" Alexis asked, her lips forming a thin line.

Tri Blade looked crushed. "Lord Megatron hates me all of the sudden. I doubt he was fond of me to begin with, but . . . "

"There, there?" Waverider offered with a gentle pat.

"I've gotta ask. Why do they have boobs and hair?" Carlos blurted.

"We have no idea," Sideways replied. "We need to do something, though. This is extremely irritating, and I personally have no desire to deal with it."

"Really!" Waverider frowned. "With Tidal Wave gone and Cyclonus glued to that bimbo, who's going to take care of Mogli?"

"Who's Mogli?" the human kids asked.

Sideways groaned and Tri Blade gave a cruel snicker.

"He's a Minicon they found together," Demolisher sighed. "Cyclonus made a crack about it being their child, but Tidal Wave thought he was being serious. He even tried to kill Waverider and myself to win Cyclonus over."

"Waverider, Tidal Wave, and you? Since when is Cyclonus is desirable?" Alexis asked, disturbed.

"Hey, I think he's okay for a robot," Rica said with a shrug. "Oh, I, uh . . . I love you, Carlos!"

"Sure you do," he muttered.

"Uh, oh!" said Rad. "Ravenwing is coming this way. We'll call you back later."

"Wait, I have a better idea," Alexis interrupted. "It's too risky to communicate this way. Someone might intercept the message. You know that forest we found the last Minicon in today? We'll meet you there later."

"We'll be there!" Demolisher promised.

The image of the kids faded of the screen, and the four Decepticons looked at each other.

"But what exactly can we do?" Tri Blade wondered aloud.

No one had an answer.

A/N: I raped the continuity. I know that. Let it add to the madness.