A WORLD TO LEAVE FAR BEHIND
By C.W. Blaine
e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org
My name is Walter West and I'm one of the fastest men alive. I also call myself the Flash and I'm busy racing at top speed through Hyper Time. Normally, you would think that a super-hero would want to stay rooted in one place, fighting bad guys; but I'm not that great of a super-hero. In fact, on the list of super-heroes, I'm at the bottom.
I recently found out that I actually come from an alternate universe, that I'm part of a reality that could have happened. The fact that it did happen for me doesn't matter since I'm not the prime Walter West. No, the prime one, the one that belongs to the reality that all of the other realities of Hyper Time divulge from, doesn't even call himself Walter. He prefers Wally.
In my reality, the arch-villain Kobra killed the love of my life, Linda Park. Without her to anchor me emotionally, I went insane and began killing all of the super-villains on my Earth. When I met up with Wally, I was nuts and convinced his Linda was mine, and I was ready to kill him for her. In fact, I nearly did.
When I thought he was dead, I tried to assume his role in the Prime Universe (it's somebody else's theory that Wally belongs to the Prime Universe, not mine!), but I failed miserably. I alienated all of his friends, got my butt handed to me by his enemies, and ended up falling in love with the wrong woman. Not that she wasn't a good woman, but we couldn't stay together. The Prime Superman and Wonder Woman informed me that the longer I remained in the Prime Universe, the more it would merge with others, and could quite possibly cause people to cease to exist.
See, Wally and I always had our Linda's to root us to our reality, that's how he eventually found his way home; but I don't have my Linda, nor do I have anyone else to draw me back to my reality. So, I run, vibrating into and out of different realities, hoping to find my and try to make amends for the destruction I caused there. Occasionally, I'll stop for a break and help out on a world I come across.
When I first get to an Earth, the first thing I do is race to Linda's grave. If it's there, then I check for other key points before I decide whether I've made it home or not. This Earth did not have a grave for Linda Park in Keystone City, and I decided to see if there were any super-heroes.
I race to all of the spots I have ever found a Justice League headquarters, moving faster than thought so I'm not seen because you never know when you might end up on an Earth with nothing but super-villains. Most places, the League can be found in a cave just outside Metropolis, or in a satellite (which is real hard to run to), or worse, it's on the moon. I luck out this time because as I enter the cave, I see the meeting table. Standing at the massive computer screen is a Green Lantern, I think.
"Hi," I say, coming to stand before him.
The Green Lantern screams and hops up on the table, aiming his power ring at me. I had expected as much; he couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen. He's wearing the standard uniform that I had seen in so many realities, except he didn't have a mask. I recognize he's Kyle Rayner. "Hold on, bucko, I mean no harm. I'm the Flash."
He looks at me like I'm stupid, but I'm used to it by now. "You aren't the Flash!"
I hold my hands up, "Not your Flash, I'm from an alternate reality."
He moves his hands to his utility belt, which I hadn't noticed before and begins to open a pouch. I race between the segments of a second and remove the belt and carry it to India. When I come back, he's still reaching. "Huh?"
"I mean it, I'm not here to fight," I say as calmly as possible.
He gets down from the table and begins looking around the room. I let him search for about five minutes and realize that as far as super-heroes go, he sucks. "You know, if I wanted to fight, you'd be dead by now."
He straightens up immediately. "Kill? You'd kill me?" he said horrified.
I shake my head. "No, you dummy, I said I could. You are a Green Lantern, aren't you?"
"Yes, I'm a Green Lantern. You aren't Barry Allen, though."
I pull my mask off and he looks hard at me, paying close attention to the lightning bolt scar on my face. "You've been injured!"
"Yes. My name is Walter West."
He shook his head, and then looked me over. It was uncomfortable having him examine me this way. He sighed and sat down. "You aren't Wally West either."
I sat down in a chair with a Superman emblem. "No, I'm Walter West, and I'm from an alternate reality. Relax, kid, I'm only passing through. I'm a member of the JLA."
"No you're not," he snorted, looking me over again. "You can't be. You look way too wrong."
I felt my anger starting to rise, but I counted to ten in a millisecond. "I'm just looking for a place to rest before I move on. I'm willing to earn my keep, though."
"I'm sure Wonder Woman would be very happy to hear that," he said with a hint of ice in his voice.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said flatly.
He stopped looking at me. "You don't have a belt."
"I know. I'm not Batman. I'm the Flash."
He shook his head again, annoying me even further. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Is there an adult I can talk to? Maybe the chairman of the JLA?"
He shrugged. "Sure, they hole up at the Hall of Justice in New York. You're in Young Justice's headquarters. I wouldn't advise going and seeing the League though, or the Super Friends as the call themselves these days."
"The Super Friends? That's a weird name."
"You really aren't from this reality are you?"
"No! I've been trying to tell you that for fifteen minutes, you idiot!"
Rayner got up and went to the computer and punched a few buttons. "This is the current membership of Young Justice," he said indicating the faces appearing on the view screen. I recognized Superboy and Donna Troy, but the others were heroes I had never encountered in any reality. "We are fighting a battle to rid the world of a weapon so devastating that I can't even begin to describe it. I'm only sorry that we have to employ it, but it's the only way to keep Wonder Woman's group away from us."
"So, the League is evil here," I said, mostly to myself, but Kyle nodded anyway. "Maybe I can help."
Kyle laughed. "You think so, eh? We'll see, Mr. 'Flash'! I was about to got intercept Dr. Destruction before the League got to him. He's got a cobalt bomb and he's ready to split the Earth in two."
I jumped up and grabbed the kid. "Are you insane? We've been sitting here debating my identity while the Earth is in danger? What kind of super-hero are you?"
He pushed away from me. "You don't understand. The League will get there and it will all be over when they use the weapon."
"They kill?" I asked.
"Worse," Kyle said, fear in his eyes.
We sat in the bushes as a man in a Grim Reaper's outfit screamed into a megaphone in the town square of a city somewhere in the Midwest United States. I listened intently to his ramblings, ready to go into action the minute he activated the bomb next to him, but Kyle told me to wait.
"People of Earth! I, Dr. Destruction, will now seal your fate! Nobody can stop me, I am invincible!"
I started to move, but Kyle held me back using his ring. The kid had willpower, I had to admit. I was about to protest when another voice called out.
"Stop, Doctor, there is no need to fight!"
Approaching, very slowly, was a large, round figure wearing a Batman costume, a portly Robin next to him. They wheezed as they "ran", their faces turning a beet red. "You're too late, Dynamic Duo!" Dr. Destruction called.
The two heroes stopped before the villain, bent over and trying desperately to breathe. I estimated that Batman was a good 325 pounds, while Robin was tipping 200. "Holy…holy bad timing, Batman. What… what do we…do now?" Robin choked.
Batman reached for his utility belt, opened a pouch and pulled out three rectangular objects. One was green, and two were red. These had to be the weapons that Kyle warned me about. They didn't look lethal, but I had no way of knowing how dangerous they were.
"Don't worry, chum," Batman said, straightening up. "Nobody can resist the sweet goodness of Hostess Fruit Pies!"
Batman tossed the desserts at Dr. Destruction, who grabbed at them. "You're right, Batman! The apple and cherry filling make me want to forget all about blowing up the Earth! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
I watched in awe as the villain tore open the packages and began to devour the pies. Batman produced some more, and shared them with the police, who were all men of girth. Pies were distributed to the crowds, and everyone laughed and ate. As Dr. Destruction was led off, he called back to Batman. "Curses! Once again foiled by Hostess Fruit Pies!"
Sitting with Kyle back in the cave, I tried very hard to comprehend the world I found myself on. To imagine that all of the world's problems were being solved by snacks! "We've been trying to capture villains the old fashioned way, but Wonder Woman is always beating us to the punch."
"I don't see the problem, Kyle," I said. "I think its good that there is no violence here, be thankful."
"It's a drug, Walter! People get addicted to the pies and they can't stop eating! Obesity and acne are running rampant. Everyone has bad teeth and breath, and there are worse things."
I could see that something was really bothering him. "Have you tried talking to Wonder Woman? Maybe she can issue some sort of public message telling people not to eat so many pies." I couldn't believe I was having this conversation.
A look of panic overcame him. "Talk to Wonder Woman? Are you nuts? Once she and Black Canary see me, that's it! Not to mention you…you're a Flash! You are in the greatest danger of all!"
I waved him off and stood up. "Come on, we're going to talk to the League. This is stupid."
He protested and shouted and screamed. He even tried to run. He tried to run away from me! I grabbed him by the collar and raced to the Hall of Justice.
"I want to see Wonder Woman," I told a bloated Aquaman. He was wearing the old orange and green costume. He sat in a pool of water at the entrance to the Hall of Justice. He scratched his immense potbelly and burped. I was about to speak again when he gestured with his thumb to go in.
We walked and Kyle kept murmuring about the fate that awaited us. I wanted to smack him, but again resisted the urge. Superman and Green Arrow were busy beating on a vending machine. They were shirtless and their bellies jiggled as the kicked it. Hawkgirl walked in, her belly bloated under her halter-top, and produced some pies from her waistband. I watched in disgust as the two heroes did little dances of joy when she held them out.
"Oh, the horror," Kyle said to me.
I approached a door with twin W's and it opened for me. I reached back, grabbed Kyle and pushed him through. The door closed behind us.
"My name is Walter West. I'm the Flash from an alternate reality. I've come to speak with Wonder Woman," I called into the darkness.
I could have sworn that I detected the odor of fresh urine coming from Kyle. The pool of liquid forming at our feet confirmed my suspicions. "You freak," I said.
Some lights came on, illuminating a dais in the front of the room. The sight that was lighted made me want to wretch.
Wonder Woman was there, all 425 pounds of her. She wore a costume that may have once fit, but was little more than a piece of string holding back waves of flesh. Massive breasts, bigger than my head, with sprinklings of pie crumbs, jiggled as she breathed. Her thighs, which in some realities were the most luscious in existence, seemed to be alive with spider-like veins and cottage cheese ripples. Thankfully, the flesh covered her more private areas from view. She spoke. "Mmmmmmmm, A tasty snack for little old me!" She flicked her tongue out, which was blue from the blueberry pie she was currently consuming.
She raised her arm up, giving me a good look at sweat encrusted hair longer than that on my head. A breast fell out and tumbled to her stomach. I swore I could here a distinct thud when it did so. "Princess Diana, I presume," I said, trying to maintain my composure.
She broke wind, and almost as a cue, the Black Canary walked in.
Bits of tubby flesh poked out through holes in her fishnet stockings. She didn't wear the normal high heels that I was used to, but instead wore casual flip-flop sandals. She waddled over to Wonder Woman, dragging a chain behind her. At he end of the chain, clad only in a loincloth, I recognized Barry Allen. My uncle. "Oooooooo, I'm getting hot and sweaty," Black Canary said, rubbing a ham-sized hand over his bottom, which seemed to be the size of a Yugo.
"See, the Flash here metabolizes the pies so quickly that he always stays so trim…so sexy. We need our exercise, you know," Wonder Woman said, reaching for her magic lasso.
Surprisingly fast for her size, she threw it, but I dodged. Kyle didn't. He screamed and I tried to get him free, but the magic rope resisted my efforts. Wonder Woman pulled him in. "Come here, little man!"
Kyle cried out in terror and I kept trying. Black Canary let loose a sonic burp, knocking me over and away from Kyle. Wonder Woman grabbed him and then placed a chocolate pie between her breasts. It disappeared immediately, swallowed up by blubber and flesh. She forced Kyle's face down and when he came back up, he was crying and chewing up a bite of the pie. Chocolate dripped from his mouth and Black Canary began to lick it off his face.
She bent over to do so and her pants ripped, revealing sweat and fecal matter stained panties. The smell threatened to overwhelm me. I vomited as they began to tear Kyle's uniform. "I love younger men!" Wonder Woman cried, laying her armpit over Kyle's face.
I looked at Barry and saw a beaten man. He wasn't even trying to escape, instead waiting for his turn. I knew that if they could catch him, and probably my counterpart, I was good as caught too! I move towards the door, vibrating so that I could pass through it. I reach the outer part of the Hall and saw Hawkgirl spanking the bare bottom of Superman with a cherry pie, while Green Arrow gorges himself on a lemon one, bits of it stuck in his beard.
I set up my vibrations even higher, opening the portal to Hyper Time and run into it.
Some worlds, it seems, are better left behind.