Disclaimer: Not mine.

Rating: PG13. Set: Season 3/4, most likely. No huge spoilers, although if you haven't seen Legacy...

Notes: My roommates and I were joking on the porch tonight. This is the result. A few lines belong to Timey.

But It Went Beep...

by Ana Lyssie Cotton

It's not fair.

Of course, he's learned that life isn't fair--known it for simply AGES. But he keeps hoping...

This is not fair.



He is SO not going to be the first to break.

But Colonel Jack O'Neill has one eyebrow raised, and his P-90 is pointed negligently at the ground. He could wait like this until the cows come home, the goats drop dead, and Anubis fries himself in a sun.


"It beeped."

"That's very helpful, Daniel."

"Sir!" Major Samantha Carter came barreling around the wall, and then caught sight of everything and stopped dead, her mouth open.

"Carter, you might wanna avert your eyes."

"Really, sir?" Sam was staring at him, tilting her head this way and that.

Dr. Daniel Jackson tried to ignore the fact that there was a stiff breeze playing... well, caressing.. oh, hell. His naked ass was sticking out into the sun for all the world to see while his hands covered... more vital parts. It wasn't his fault, damnit. He was trying to convince himself whilst simultaneously attempting to figure out where the hell his clothes had gone.

"How did this happen, Daniel?" Sam was still staring, her head tilted more. Suddenly, her forehead wrinkled as he eyebrows shot up. "Do you wax?"

"I don't know how it happened." He snapped, ignoring her second question. His personal hygeine was NOT her business, sister type friend that she was. At all. It wasn't even something he was willing to discuss with his psychiatrist (not that he'd talk to MacKenzie about his toe fungus, if it came down to it).

"He pushed a button on this doohickey, Carter." The Colonel supplied.

"Pushed a--Daniel, I told you NOT to touch anything until we'd figured out what it did!"

Suddenly wishing he hadn't been wearing rubber gloves (great for keeping fingerprints off artifacts, but COLD on certain portions of the anatomy), Daniel shifted slightly. He tried to look like he was innocent, tried desperately for the kicked puppy-dog look. From the way Sam was still eyeing him, it wasn't working. "I didn't mean to..." he finally muttered.

"You appear to have lost your garments, Daniel Jackson."

"Uh, yeah, thanks, Teal'c, I've noticed."

The jaffa merely raised an eyebrow in amusement, then glanced at Jack. "Should we not attempt to find Daniel Jackson's clothing?"

"Problem, T, we don't know where to look."

Sam, who had finally stopped staring at him and started inspecting the device, looked up. "I'm not sure we have time to figure this out before Daniel starts suffering from exposure, sir."

Oh, thanks, Sam. Remind everyone I'm stark naked in the middle of a cold afternoon. But he didn't say it.

Apprarently, Jack had no compunctions. "Hey, Carter?"


"What's the machine supposed to do?"

"Teleportation, maybe?" She shrugged and went back to tracing weblike protrusions that might have been wires. And there was something that Daniel still thought looked suspiciously like a teacup.

"That... strips a person naked?"


Daniel got tired of being talked about. "Hey. Standing right here."

Both ignored him.

"But why did it take only his clothes? He's still got his glasses, for crying out loud!"

"Well, I'm sure that's not what they intended it for, sir."

"Then, what, Carter?"

"I don't know!"

"HEY!" Daniel glared at them. "Have we forgotten that I am the one freezing his balls off, here?"

Sam choked. Jack stared at him for a long moment, then sighed. "Carter, take some more readings, then we'll head back to the gate."

"Yes, sir." Sam was back in control, her expression serene as she went back to inspecting the device.

Daniel shifted, wincing as the hard cold ground cut more into his feet. "Uh, Jack?"

"Yes, Daniel?"

"Could I borrow your jacket?"

The Colonel eyed him for a moment, a faint smirk on his lips. "Not gonna cover much, is it?"



"Ja-ack. Jacket. Now. Or I tell Sam who--"

"Right!" Hastily, Jack began taking his flak vest off, then his jacket, which he tossed at Daniel.

Catching it with a smirk, Daniel quickly changed that to a blush, since the catch had been with both hands and he was now, once again, very exposed.

"I didn't think people really could do that."


"You're blushing, Daniel. It's a scientific fact that everyone does it."

"Shut. Up."

With a last smirk, she did, going back to poking at the device. Once he'd tied the jacket around his waist (barely covering everything important, but there was now less of a breeze...) Daniel suddenly realized something. "Hey, Sam. I'd be careful. Or you'll lose your clothes, too."

She drew back from the panel of buttons she'd been hovering over, and tossed him a frown. "Good point. I'll be careful."

And Daniel was sure Jack had just muttered "damn." under his breath.

Of course, Daniel was now hoping she'd realize how expansive he'd been and not spend the next ten years teasing him about this. He was pretty certain he was doomed to failure, but it was a good try.

"The most interesting thing about this," Sam suddenly said, making Jack jump, "Is the piece of fairy cake inside."

"...That's it. Teal'c, you get Daniel's arm, I've got Carter."


"No buts, Carter. You're halucinating."

"I am not!"

Daniel didn't need Teal'c's hand on his arm. He simply began walking rapidly in the direction of the gate, supremely thankful that it wasn't that far, and that they'd only planned on being there for a few hours. Which was why he had no change of clothes. And no socks, shoes, or underwear. Damnit. From now on, he was packing an extra set even if he was just driving to Wal-Mart with Jack. Hell, that was the most dangerous trip of all.

"Sir, I am not halucinating, there really--"


"--was a piece of fairy--"

"--no arguments--"


"--we're leaving."

The foursome stopped, and Daniel watched in fascination as the two glared at each other, then Sam giggled. "I was done with my analysis anyway, sir."

"Oh." Sudddenly seeming to realize he was still hanging onto her arm, he let it go and stepped back.

"I think it was a slightly failed experiment, but I'll need Daniel to translate for me before I can give my full report on the particles. Plus, the readings need to be gone over and analyzed, and we should send a team to see if they can repeat the--"

"AH!" Jack held up a hand. "Gate, first. Then debriefing."

"Uh, I'd like to RE-brief, Jack." Objected Daniel.

"Oh. Right." Setting off again, Jack tossed over his shoulder, "C'mon, Carter, Daniel needs clothes."

"Sir." There was a snicker in Sam's voice.

Daniel decided to ignore it, and stalked after them with all of the dignity he could muster, considering he was barefoot and only had a jacket tied around his waist.

Once at the gate, he cursed (again) his lack of shoes. He really was considering making it mandatory for all archeologists to carry two pairs of shoes. But then, there were instruments and rubbings and pens and things he'd have to leave behind to pack them, and he didn't want to not have his stethoscope, shovel, or astrolabe... So maybe just an extra pair of socks.

If, say, one were to encounter another ancient device that stole your clothes.

Sam dialled the gate, and it whooshed like normal. And she sent the code. And then Daniel was reminded that he was going to have to step through the portal and land on a ramp in full view of at least 20 SFs, marines, gate techs, and General Hammond.

He balked. "Uh, look, Jack..."

"Daniel?" SG-1's leader eyed him with his eyebrow creeping up again.

"Look, I... you all go without me. Send someone back with clothes."

"...Daniel, you do understand how much power it takes to dial the gate? That would be a waste of the resources of Earth."

Portentious. How the HELL does Jack O'Neill sound portentious?? Daniel stared at him, then sighed. "Fine. I'll go."

"Uh, guys?" Sam was waving from the gate platform. "Time to go."

Daniel sighed. Again. Oh, he hoped no one in the gate room had a camera... And that Sam would find and burn the security tapes for him. Please, let there be a God.

Of course, since there was only the goa'uld, he might have a slight problem.

Sam was gone, then Teal'c. Then Jack looked at him, and they stepped through together.

Travelling naked through a wormhole is slightly colder than normal. Daniel was seriously thinking about complaining about shrinkage issues, but then he was standing on the grating of the ramp, and the entire SGC was staring at his nearly naked self. Okay, not the entire SGC. But a lot of them. Oh, he was never ever living this down. He was sure of it.

"Welcome back, SG-1!" General Hammond boomed. He didn't even blink an eyelid as he spotted Daniel standing there, flushed with embarrassment. "I trust your mission was a success?"

"You betcha, sir," Jack said. "Carter found a doohickey, Teal'c was stoic, and Daniel pushed a button and lost all of his clothes. On the whole, I think I prefer these short and simple jaunts."

A slight smile crossed the General's lips. "Very well, Colonel. Debrief in an hour. Now, off to the infirmary." He turned away, then paused and glanced at Daniel. "And Dr. Jackson, please put some clothes on."

As if he wouldn't. Daniel fought the deepening blush, then gave up.

Some day. Some. Day. He would have something on the rest of them that would make this humiliation seem like nothing.

Unfortunately, all he had right now was bare feet and a large amount of corridor to traverse.

He was never living this down.



Final notes: Almonds to anyone who caught the Douglas Adams references.