DISCLAIMER: I do not own RE or McDonalds or Ralph Lauren or Beastie Boys.

OT: Alright this fan fic is based on a message board RPG that myself and several others participated in. However the majority of the writing is from Dimitri Chavez, and myself. Dimitri is a good friend of mine from an RE message board.

What I did was rewrite several parts and edit the spelling errors and such to make it run a bit more smoothly. Oh and most of the wiring is in first person, I hope you don't mind, and since it is written that way, I will have a bit of narration to help things along. So here it is folks the story no one has ever told.!

Yes, I know, I started another one, but it's already written so this won't take long at all…

After the Spencer Mansion...

Before Sheena Island...

Way before Rockford Island...

Way waaaay before that whole Cruise ship thing…

'Coon City... err... Raccoon City, as the people call it, that's where this story is placed…
Standing at the counter we find a young man, roughly six foot in height and weighing about 160lbs. He is a bit lanky and wearing what appears to be a McDonald's uniform…

It's in the newspapers, stories about cannibalism and mutilation. I, for one, am not scared. I work at McDonalds, what the hell is scarier than serving pissed off customers?! Well, anyways, I forgot the date... but this is the story, of 'Coon City.


"I want a cheese burger!" cried one pissed off middle-aged man.

"OK, asshole. I'll give you your cheese burger." I said as I grabbed one from the tray and placed it in front of him. He'd better like it! I thought, as I got my middle finger primed.

"Thank you!" He yelled, and he was off after he paid.

Dickhead. There wasn't many people around, but I know it was going to be a long night... Just then, BAM! Windows breaking! Moaning! Squishing sounds!

"Ahhh"! Yelled a cook, "I'm not paid enough for this shit!"

Meanwhile at a nearby table, we find the former S.T.A.R.S. commander…Albert Wesker…

I sat near the back of the restaurant, minding my own business and grinning evilly. I'm evil, it's what I do.

I was also contemplating breaking the little asshole in half, who'd made my double cheese burger. Damn meat was falling off the bun. I hated that, the only thing I hated more than sliding meat was Redfield. Ah yes Redfield. I would find him, and make him pay...


"How dare you!!" I screamed, marching over to Redfield's desk. "These were my best sunglasses!!"

I held up my now mangled and badly scratched Ralph Lauren sunglasses.

"Get a grip Captain, it was an accident." Chris said looking sickenly handsome and heroic.

-End Flashback-

Yes he would pay for ruining my glasses. Ya...and...uh ruining my plans to like kill everyone in the mansion and steal the tyrant data too. That sort of pissed me off as well. I mean you go through all that trouble to kill off six people, disable a chopper, pay off Brad to chicken out, and Blackmail Barry you had a tendency to get a wee bit upset when things just don't work out.

Especially after you inject yourself with an unproven virus. Of course in retrospect maybe asking Birkin to create the virus during the annual "Umbrella is Evil" party hadn't been the brightest thing he'd done. Birkin had been pretty drunk at the time, and he suspected stoned. Though things had worked out kind of alright, well except for all the cats following him around all the time, and there was that weird urge he had to prance around naked during a full moon, while singing "Like a Virgin".

Of course he could take that out on Redfield too. I rubbed my hands together, contemplating all the nasty things I could do to him. Did I mention I was evil?

Several shots rang out, then someone started yelling something about S.T.A.R.S. I looked up in time to see Rebecca Chambers run out the door, as a Nemesis walked in. I didn't think she was still in town…


"Oh shit. I wonder if It's still classified as a S.T.A.R.S. member?" I asked aloud, disturbing a nearby zombie. Who then proceeded to try and take my double cheeseburger. I grabbed the thing by the throat and snapped him in half like a twig!!

"No one steals from me!!"

Several minutes later, after successfully evading the Nemesis, I located the cook who had made my burger.

"I hate sliding meat!!"

After beating the hell out of the cook for my sliding meat problem, I headed out the door in search of the Bravo Team Medic.

After a quick sprint, I found her arguing with a guy...carrying a bowling ball. Where this mysterious person had come from I do not know, nor at this point did I care a whole lot.

"Ah hello Ms. Cha...."

She let out a blood curdling scream and ran down the road. I scratched at my chin, thinking deeply.

"Perhaps she is still mad that I shot her…either that or she is shocked that I am still among the living…who can say?"

Several seconds later she came running back, apparently the gentleman chasing her with the "electric pleasure toy" was much scarier then myself. I narrowed my eyes a bit at the new arrival.

"Now where the hell did he come from??" I was so confused…

Meanwhile, back at McDonald's…

I got up... I got the craving to listen to Beastie Boys. Oh yeah! I brought my magic C.D. today. I grabbed a seemingly out of place ghetto-blaster and I popped in the CD. I noticed 'bout 200 zombies stumbling their way toward the medic chick, the tall blonde dude, the guy with the "electric pleasure toy" and the freak with the bowling ball. What else could I do? I ran outside to meet them!

"Crap! What are we going to do!?" the medic screamed.

"We play some music of course!"

I turned on the GBlaster and put it on Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys. I grabbed a baseball bat and put the blaster on high then sat it down. I ran up to the first zombie and slammed his head about 20 feet into the coming crowd.

"Join the fun!"

"He's insane!" The tall blonde guy snorted, shaking his head.

"I'm going to join in!" yelled the weirdo with the "toy".

OT: Well I hope you liked this first installment. I had a bit of trouble editing but overall it is working out well so far. What will our "heros" do about those 200 zombies??