DISCLAIMER: Do not own Hello Kitty.

Time was running out. McDonalds would soon become a zombie if something drastic was not done within the next few seconds…not that Wesker actually cared, but he didn't have anything better to do at the moment than help the little moron.

"Lets go find Subway!"

Wesker tried to give McDonalds a reassuring pat on the back, but he jumped away. Probably still a wee bit scared from the shaking. They eventually found a map, and it showed that Subway was on Obesity Ave. For some unknown reason they saw this as a blessing, I guess they figured fat zombies couldn't run that fast.

"To Obesity Ave!" Screamed McDonalds.

The three of them ran onto a street…and shortly after arriving at said destination, were surrounded by fat ass zombies. It certainly looked like all hope was lost, despite Wesker's bio-enhanced powers.

"I...I always loved you Wesker!" Cried Spastic.

"I never really hated Chris! We were only playing around!" Cried Wesker.

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN!!" Cried McDonalds.

Just as the slightly overweight zombies were about to suffocate our intrepid heroes, in the worst death possible, a miracle happened. A Twinkie was throw into the crowd and the zombies waddled after it like a pack of dogs going for a three legged cat. As the path of zombies cleared a large neon sign could be seen in the distance…Subway was in plain sight! They ran to it, got inside, and locked the door. Unfortunately they had just made a major mistake…

"What would you like to order?" Asked the person that worked there.

Wesker turned around slowly, plastering an evil grin on his face. He figured, with any luck, he could intimidate this guy into giving them the food without having to pay for it.

Besides he had to do something evil after his ill-timed outburst on the street. It was against his contract to reveal secrets like that to the public, he could lose his job. But it wasn't just for his own sake that he was trying to concrete his persona as treacherous bastard. He was thinking of the countless number of die hard fans that would be heartbroken to learn that him and Chris were good buddies, who often went drinking together on the weekends...

"We want..."

Wesker's eyes bugged out and his voice trailed off into an indistinct croak. And why, you may ask, did this happen? Well it happened as soon as Wesker noticed that the cashier was a tyrant. Apparently even a virally enhanced bastard, is scared of something…Tyrants being number one on his list.


Wesker then huddled behind McDonalds, whimpering softly. McDonalds sighed, shaking his head, and decided to order the sandwich himself.

"Well?" Asked the Tyrant.

"Ok, I want pepperoni, green peppers, mustard, antidote, mayonnaise, ham, and turkey. Oh, add some Canadian bacon to that also."

The Tyrant started to sweat.

"We are all out of antidote.."

"Oh well, I take the sub anyways," he said even though the virus had already started to take effect. McDonald's finger actually fell off as he was digging around dug for the money.

The Tyrant handed him the sandwich, and he took a bite. At the same time, there was a loud clank sound. McDonalds wasn't entirely sure what he'd bitten into, because his teeth were numb from the virus. Then the Tyrant pulled its claw out of the sub. That would certainly explain why the sub tasted worse than normal.

"ROOOAAAARRRRRR!!!!" The Tyrant they proceeded to wave his injured claw in the air.

"OOGA BOOGA!!" McDonalds yelped waving his arms around wildly.

"AHHHH!" Wesker yelled running around in circles, spastically.

And just what was his train of thought at the moment…let's take a peek shall we…

I've been impaled by a tyrant once already. True, Id came back bigger and bidder than ever but...


No way not gonna do that again!

"I want my mommy!!" He then promptly broke into tears, while McDonalds fell literally apart, and Spastic played with Wesker's sunglasses.

"4...Itchy...Tasty..." McDonalds mumbled, scratching at his back.

For some unknown reason, well known only to the authoress anyway, Wesker stopped his spastic display of cowardice and turned in McDonalds direction.

"That sounds familiar." Wesker tapped his forehead for a second, thinking "Where was that... oh yeah, the mansion! That keeper guy said it when we were playing poker one night. Even though several files clearly indicate that he was playing cards with some lowly subordinate."

"You...you mean the Spencer Mansion?" The Tyrant looked both confused and surprised…not a pretty sight on that face.

"Ahhh! He spoke!!" Wesker yelled hysterically, instantly reverting back to his former cowardice. "Please don't hurt me, I'll tell you anything! Yes…yes it was the Spencer mansion!"

"That brings back memories.." The Tyrant looked ready to cry…which was damn near as horrid as it's surprised/confused look. "I had to be stitched back together after the mansion went ka-boom. It hurt like hell."

"It did?" Now it was Wesker's turn to look confused.

"Yes." Said the blubbery eyed Tyrant.

"I guess we are even then. I mean, you impaled me and that hurt like a bitch."

"I remember that, I'm sorry!" Cried the Tyrant giving Wesker a back breaking hug. He then handed McDonalds a small vial. "Here is your antidote, little man."

McDonalds grabbed for it, then popped a few loose fingers into place before drinking it. He got a hangover, but that was the extent of the side effects. Without warning, unless of course you've played any of these games before, a loud announcement rang over the intercom.

Emergency…you have 3 minutes till you die…That's right, 3 minutes.

The woman sounded almost board…

"AHHHH!!!!" Spastic then started running around in circles.

"Holy Christ! I just saved myself for this!?"

McDonalds did not seem too pleased with this newest setback…nor, for that matter, did Wesker.


The dull voice sprung to life again.

Listen blondie, I just read what the damn paper says alright…So I may have been a tad bit late with the whole…Outbreak detected...3 minutes until detonation… back in the mansion…Cut me some frigging slack, you have no idea how boring this job is…

Wesker growled, he ranted, he hit the wall shattering plaster and causing a real mess.

"Hey, come on!! I gotta clean that up you know!" The tyrant said, shaking his head at the plaster all over the floor.


Spastic pointed to the little green florescent timer hanging over their heads. They were down to 2 minutes 29 seconds.

"I hate Capcom, I really do." Wesker moaned.

"Hey, can I keep the little guy?" Asked the Tyrant. "I'll trade you the keys for my chopper."

"You can have him," McDonalds put Spastic on a leash and took the keys.

"The chopper's on the roof."

McDonalds headed for the roof, while Wesker stood there getting all teary eyed. A rather pathetic site really…

"I'm…I'm going to miss you little guy."

"We don't have time!" McDonalds yelled, pulling him along.

They soon reached the roof, despite all of Wesker's repeated attempts to rescue his little protégé. However, when they got there they found Nicholai trying to break into the Hind (Soviet gunship).

"Uh…I have keys!" McDonalds held up a set of keys with a very cute Hello Kitty key chain.

"You do? I seem to have lost mine." Nicholai smiled innocently, which was fooling no one.

They all climbed in and Nicholai turned it on to get it warmed up. Meanwhile the Tyrant and Spastic came out to wave them goodbye, while Wesker sat in one of the seats his face pressed up against one of the windows, crying like a five year old.


Where the Tyrant had been standing was now a 2 foot deep hole in the ground.

"That's not the rotor button!" screamed Nicholai.

"Here, Spastic. Here boy!" Wesker threw open the cargo door, and Spastic jumped into the chopper.

And the chopper lifted majestically into the sky...

Well, that's what would have happened if McDonalds knew how to fly a chopper that is. Instead they sorta fell off the roof, dropped like four feet, skidded sideways, took out two telephone poles, three electrical wires, and Wesker suspected that they mass murdered a flock of crows. The black feathers flying past the windows was a dead giveaway. He glanced out the window, and to this day, swears he saw zombies laughing at them.

"Now we just gotta get clear before the bomb hits." Nicholai said, seeming to be very cheerful.

"What bomb?"

Suddenly there was a loud earth shattering ka-boom...

Well...there would have been, had Capcom not been so cheap about the damn sound effects. Instead everything went all quiet an then the city sorta disintegrated after that.

"Pretty!! FIREWORKS!!" Spastic screamed crawling over Wesker to get to the window.

"Uh, now what?" McDonalds asked, attempting to steer the chopper and failing miserably at it.

"We'll go to my place, I got beer!"

So off into the sunset they rode, going to Wesker's house for beer...

Hope Chris bought some while I was out...

And thus ends the story of…'COON CITY…

A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed this bit of mindless drivel . Watch for the sequel…coming soon!