I don't own seaQuest, ok?

I'd just like to point out that this is not directed at any individual or their fics, or even specifically at seaQuest fanfiction. Also, it's silly, pointless fluff. I realise this might leave me open to flames, but what the hell. With that in mind, read on if you dare...

Mary-Sue and the Vikings of Doom.

Lucas Wolenczak, resident computer genius aboard the UEO's flagship submarine seaQuest DSV, shifted from foot to foot impatiently, and tried to ignore the glare directed at him by the ship's captain. He hated meeting visiting dignitaries. Eminent scientists were bad enough, but at least he had something to talk about with them, and they didn't ask too many stupid questions. But these ambassador-types just got on his nerves. And this one wasn't even an ambassador – he was a king for chrissakes! Lucas rolled his large blue eyes and sighed ostentatiously, this time meeting Captain Bridger's glare with one of his own. Maybe he had to be here, but he damn well didn't have to like it.

Bridger sighed, watching the sixteen-year-old boy he had come to think of as a son. Sure, when the boy had been introduced to him as a "discipline problem" at the beginning of the tour, he'd been somewhat unhappy about the idea of babysitting a tearaway. But now he couldn't understand how anyone could consider Lucas a problem. The boy was so sweet and shy, he never caused any problems at all. Bridger smiled to himself, letting his eyes roam over Lucas' face. That unruly blonde hair, those blue eyes that were deep enough to drown in... no, wait, Bridger thought in confusion, he's my surrogate son, not my boyfriend. Why the hell am I describing him that way in my head? He was glad no-one could read what he was thinking. Funny, he'd been thinking that way an awful lot lately. It seemed like every five minutes these days he was describing Lucas' hair and eyes to himself. Weird.

The docking bay doors cycled open, and a distinguished look older man stepped out. Bridger stepped forward to greet him with a smile, and Lucas frowned, cracking his gum. Then his mouth dropped open.

Katherine Hitchcock's eyes narrowed as she saw the teenage girl who had just exited the vessel from her standpoint a short distance away from the welcoming party.

"What colour would you say that girl's eyes were?" she asked in a low voice, leaning closer to Kristin Westphalen, the ship's doctor, who stood beside her with her arms folded. Westphalen sighed.

"I'm afraid I'd have to say violet," she said. "With flecks of silver," she added bitterly.

Hitchcock nodded. "What about her hair?"

Westphalen closed her eyes in exasperation. "Raven and waist-length," she said through gritted teeth.

"That's what I thought," Hitchcock muttered. "That's the third one this month. Don't they ever get bored?"

Westphalen shook her head. "Maybe we should go ex-directory?" The other woman snorted. "You know what this means, don't you?" Westphalen continued. Hitchcock looked at her expectantly. "It means we're going to have a full description of her any moment now."

The women stared at each other in horror and looked down to the text below...

"Hello," the girl said, stepping forward and shaking Lucas' hand. "I'm Princess Rianaldania. But you can call me Riana." Lucas stared at her, dumb- struck. She was small and slight, with waist-length raven hair and violet eyes flecked with silver that were deep enough to contain whole universes. Her skin was a dusky olive-brown, which just made her eyes stand out all the more, and she spoke with the trace of an accent. She was wearing a heavy cross on a silver chain, along with a black velvet dress that showed off her magnificent figure, and some oddly early-twenty-first-century looking goth boots. Lucas thought he'd never seen anyone so beautiful in all his life.

Bridger observed the effect that the girl seemed to be having on the youngest member of his crew. Well, that was no surprise, after all she was stunning. "I hope you don't mind," said King Insertstupidnamehere. "I thought my daughter would enjoy a tour of the seaQuest, so I brought here along."

"That's fine," said Bridger. "But don't you think she'll be a little bored with all the scientific stuff?"

The king laughed. "Not at all. You see, Riana is an exceptionally intelligent child. Her IQ is off the scale. She's already finishing up her PhD in nanotechnology."

Huh. What a weird coincidence, Bridger thought. Suddenly Riana's attention was on him. She strode over and smiled dazzlingly. "Captain Bridger, I presume." All thoughts of coincidences left Bridger's mind.

Up on the bridge, all was not well. "Um, Commander Ford, we seem to have a problem," said Communications Officer Tim O'Neill.

Commander Jonathan Ford, executive officer of seaQuest, turned to look at him. "What is it, Tim."

"Well, uh," O'Neill flushed slightly. "You know that thing where things get unfrozen from cryostasis in the ice caps?" Ford nodded. "It's happened again."

Ford leaned forward. "You can't be serious!" he hissed in an undertone. "Again?"

O'Neill shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir," he murmured. "I think there's a writers' strike or something and the studio execs are making it up as they go along."

Ford slumped back in his chair. "Fine. What is it this time?"

"You're not going to like it, sir."

Ford rolled his eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."

"It's a horde of bloodthirsty Vikings..."

"Hey Lucas!" Hitchcock hurried to catch up with the teenage computer genius. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lucas turned to her dreamily. "Yeah, Commander?"

Hitchcock sighed, seeing the dark circles under the boy's eyes. He hadn't been sleeping again. She felt an overwhelming impulse of love towards the boy. Hey! You in there! Snap out of it! You're a lieutenant commander in the UEO navy, not a lovestruck teenager! Stop going all squishy! That was better.

"What do you think of Riana?" she asked cautiously.

"Riana?" Lucas gazed after the girl's departing form. "She's...wonderful." Hitchcock closed her eyes. It was worse than she'd thought. "Wait," Lucas frowned. "She's leaving. I've got to go after her!" He started off, but Hitchcock grabbed him by the arm.

"Don't you think it's a bit of a coincidence that another teenage genius should show up here?"

Lucas shrugged. "It just goes to show we were meant to be together."

Hitchcock snorted. "What, you mean like the last five sixteen-year-old genii who just happened to show up here?"

Lucas frowned. "That was different."

Hitchcock was about to answer, when suddenly she heard a snarling noise behind her. Turning round, she saw a large, hairy Viking warrior wielding a gigantic axe. Damn it! Vikings again, she thought to herself. Why don't the execs just damn well give the writers a raise? "Security!" she yelled.

"Þu ert fölleg, kona," said the Viking, stepping towards Hitchcock with a lascivious grin. She glanced helplessly at Tim, who had just appeared with no explanation beside her.

"I know I speak every language known to man under normal circumstances," the lieutenant said, looking somewhat embarrassed, "but I'm afraid today's plot calls for me to be ignorant about Old Norse. Sorry."

"It's ok," came a low, mellifluous voice. "I'm fluent in several ancient languages, including Old Norse." It was Riana. She stepped up to the Viking, squaring her shoulders, her slender frame seeming even more tiny compared to the warrior's vast bulk. "Hvat viltu hér?" she asked, her accent indistinguishable from that used by the Viking himself.

The warrior's eyes flashed. "Ég vil hafa skatt."

Riana frowned. "Þu skalt ekki fá skatt hér." The Viking roared and swung at her with his axe. She dodged nimbly, grabbing the axe as it passed her by, and wrenched it out of the Viking's hands, showing surprising strength for a girl of her size. Skilfully, she dodged the enraged Viking's blows, finally burying the axe in the back of his head. He slumped to the floor, dead. Riana turned, barely out of breath, to see the seaQuest crew staring at her. "Did I forget to mention I'm a black-belt in several martial arts?" she said sweetly.

Another Viking came hurtling down the corridor towards them. Riana turned and frowned. Twin bolts of lightning emerged from her eyes, felling the heathen warrior in his tracks.

This was all that Hitchcock could take. She stepped forward. "You know what?" she said, and shot Riana in the head with her side-arm. The girl crumpled prettily to the floor. Lucas screamed.

"What have you done!"

Hitchcock shrugged. "What I should have done a long time ago."

Lucas stared at her in astonishment, then he shrugged too. "You know, she was kind of annoying."

Hitchcock grinned. "That's my boy. Now, let's go and figure out a way for seaQuest to save the world from the bloodthirsty Vikings. Again."