A Day at the Office

Business first:

This is a silly story. Think of it as Yu Yu Hakusho on a sugar high. Hey, at least it's not YYH on mind-altering drugs, right?

Special thanks! to Dragondancer1014, a fantastically fabulous writer, for her suggestions, one of which led to arguably the most explosive content of this story.

I've a favor to ask readers. No no, hear me out; it's nothing big. :D I love all the YYH characters, but I tend to give my favorites the "best"/most parts, at least in first drafts...so I'd like to know: Can you tell who my fave character(s) is/are from this fanfic? If you can't, I've reached at least one of my goals with this fic. Thank you much!

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi, Studio Pierrot, FUNimation, and I-don't-know-who-else...but not me. Hiei would say "Hn" at the sheer redundancy of this statement, but I suppose I should include a disclaimer at least in this, my first posted fanfiction.

I'm writing up a few definitions just in case.
(1) sweatdrop: I trust anime watchers/manga readers will know what this means. A common reaction in this genre to incredible silliness, insanity, or general ridiculousness.
(2) Ensatsu Ken: Killing Flame Fists, a technique of Hiei's
(3) Shot-Cake-Gun: Yusuke has a technique called Shoto-Gan, or Shotgun, by which he shoots multiple bursts of energy out of his finger in different directions (you'll see why cake is added in)
(4) -san: Miss/Ms./Mr. Normally, I'd use the English, but Kuwabara's enthusiastic way of addressing Yukina in the anime is just too precious.

Non-anime terms: Pocky is a snack consisting of thin, crispy breadstick-like…sticks ' dipped in chocolate (or strawberry cream, etc.). Boba milk tea is sweetened black tea with milk and little balls of tapioca. Both are pretty popular Asian treats.

Chapter 1: Coming In

Koenma leaned back in his plush armchair of lustrous leather, only one of several in his office (but just a tad more lavish than the rest, with an automatic massage function besides). He gleefully ran a finger along the edge of the gleaming mahogany surface of the giant desk, which, despite its luxurious appearance of solid wood, was fully equipped with all sorts of humming gadgetry and remote controls, true to its "state-of-the-art, do-it-all-at-your-desk Super Desktop" title. Set in the opposite wall, shielded by bulletproof glass with a thick border of marble, was a new video screen with over three hundred combinations of screen shapes and sizes that played all multimedia formats yet invented, including 34,900 radio stations and 570,210 television channels in 8255 languages and 64,243 dialects (and of course, fully sufficient to play the video games and cartoons that Koenma usually used it for). And behind him, a convenient roll of the chair away, stood a very shiny, very large refrigerator, stocked with enough sugary snacks and drinks to render the most exhausted human unable to sleep for a week.

By the merest movement of his left forefinger, Koenma pushed a button on the armrest, at which the built-in footrest stretched out with a smooth purr, allowing him to sink into the chair even further. Koenma sighed happily, thoroughly contented with the new furniture (especially since the payment had not come out of any of his funds).

A polite knock sounded. Koenma pressed another button on his armrest, and the door to the left of the giant wall screen slid smoothly open, admitting a boy of fifteen or sixteen in appearance. Koenma glanced at his watch (although he could just as well have looked at the digital clock above the video screen, which could show the time in any time zone in any world in any of the three known dimensions). The second hand had just hit 12, and the time was 6:00 pm sharp (in terms of Tokyo, Japan, on Earth in the Human World). "That's Kurama for you," Koenma nodded approval, though not of the patronizing kind, at the youth, who walked in to stand in front of Koenma's desk. "Punctual to the second."

Kurama smiled slightly. "I am the earliest?" Koenma nodded, and sighed. No one could expect Kazuma Kuwabara or Yusuke Urameshi, the No.1 and Super-No.1 Delinquents, respectively, of their high school, to be on time (much less early). As for Hiei...he did not exactly take orders very well. They would be lucky if he showed up.

"As long as we're waiting, why don't you try one of the new Ultra Comfort 3000 chairs?" Koenma swept an arm proudly around the room. "Like the new look?"

Kurama accordingly sat down in a chair. "Executive quality," he remarked good-naturedly. These two words more than sufficiently pleased and encouraged the little god to launch into eager, detailed explanations and demonstrations of all his new furniture. Of course, it took some time, but even by the end of Koenma's ninety-minute Refurnished Office Tour, no one else had arrived. At this point, a cartoon Koenma liked was showing on one of the 570,210 TV channels, so he switched the screen on. Seeing this, Kurama quietly took out a book. For a while, all that could be heard were faint sounds from Koenma's personal headphones, and the occasional whisper of a turning page.

"George!" Koenma suddenly yelled, ripping off the headphones. (Kurama did not bat an eye.) The screen blackened abruptly as a blue ogre dashed in.

"Yes Lord Koenma! What is it?" George inquired with an affable but slightly nervous grin.

"Bring me some bean cakes. On the double!" (Unfortunately, it just so happened that what Koenma wanted at that moment - bean cakes - were not among the stock of snacks in the refrigerator that could power all the students of Tokyo through final exams.)

"Five cakes then, Lord Koenma?"

"Are you implying I can't eat more?" Koenma asked slowly with a Menacing Glare. "Are you insulting my size?"

"Err...I was thinking you and the four Detectives would each have one..."

"Idiot! One for each of them, of course."

"Then...four cakes?" George ventured timidly.

"Arrrggghh! One for each of the Detectives, and ten for me."

A sweatdrop appeared over George's forehead. "Coming right up!"

"Oh, might as well make that fifteen cakes for me. Also, bring a few boxes of Pocky and five cups of boba milk tea."

"All five for you...?"

"One...for...each...of...us." (Appropriately, the Menacing Glare had positively become a Glare of Dire Doom.)

"Yes, yes! Right away!" George began to go, frantically glad that he seemed to have gotten everything straight.


George turned back in trepidation.

Koenma admonished in a low, dangerous tone, "You forgot to say, 'Anything else, Lord Koenma?'"

"Umm...anything else, Lord Koenma?" George repeated fearfully.

"No. Hurry up and get what I ordered!" George sweatdropped again, but scurried away on his task. Kurama astutely kept on reading.

When Yusuke arrived, it was 7:58. Botan ushered him into Koenma's office to find Koenma watching cartoons and gobbling up whole bean cakes at a time, while Kuwabara was screaming at Hiei unintelligibly in a pitch much too high for comfort (not to mention dignity). Hiei glared back at Kuwabara, looking ready to unleash one or the other of his Ensatsu Ken attacks. And Kurama was calmly reading a book. Yusuke's face scrunched up, undecided between disbelief and hilarity. This was the office of a god, after all. Couldn't one expect some order?

"Hey everyone!" Yusuke called. Kurama, the only one who apparently noticed, looked up and smiled in greeting, but his expression suddenly changed to one of slight concern and he pointed to the space behind Yusuke. Just then an agitated George bustled in from the direction Kurama had indicated, carrying a mountainous plate of bean cakes in each hand with more plates of treats tucked precariously in the crook of each arm. He promptly crashed into the latest Detective to arrive.

"Uh-oh!" Botan yelped and scampered quickly out of the room, shutting the door firmly behind her. Kurama closed his book and ducked under a shelf mounted on the wall just as the cakes hit the ceiling high above and started to fall. For several minutes afterwards, the office transformed into a cake fight arena.

"Hey! George! What are you doing?!" Koenma leaped on the desk and yelled (as if George were purposefully depriving him of his long-awaited snacks), incidentally shouting directly in Kuwabara's ear. Kuwabara sprang up in surprise, neatly catching two bean cakes on his head which immediately broke into tiny pieces, scattering in his hair and clothes. Not having heard George come in (he was busy raving against Hiei at the time), Kuwabara assumed automatically that the cakes were Hiei's malicious doing, so he grabbed a few falling cakes and threw them in Hiei's general direction. Of course Hiei dodged easily, and they hit Yusuke, whose back had been turned as he tried to open the door to follow Botan. However, the unexpected attack banished all thoughts of escape; he whirled around shouting, "Oh yeah?" grabbed two fistfuls of cake as the last pieces fell, and sent a barrage of cake chunks toward Kuwabara with the battle cry, "Shot-Cake-Gun!" Several blocks did hit Kuwabara, but many of the harder pieces ricocheted off the new furniture and speeded toward Koenma. Koenma, still screaming at George, caught them in his wide-open mouth. The force was so great that he tumbled off the desk and into his chair, temporarily out of the range of fire.

Hiei, determined not to lower himself so much as to use cake for a weapon and certainly not so much as to use his customary attacks against cake, grabbed one of the (new, and quite expensive) lamps. Not to be outdone, Kuwabara ducked behind a chair and snatched up a (new, and even more expensive) floor rug. Immediately he was reminded of Spanish bull fight scenes and the handsome, rugged bullfighters on TV. He whipped out the rug in the classic bullfighter stance, declaring, "I, Kuwabara Kazuma, will defeat the puny black creature before me and win honor for the fairest maiden of all the universe, Yukina-saaaannn!"

The mention of Yukina did to Hiei what Kuwabara's insults and the makeshift red cloth could not - it infuriated him. What honor could this lumbering human oaf possibly win for his precious sister? The moron thought too highly of himself if he presumed to be Yukina's champion! However, Hiei managed to suppress the surge of anger. Instead, he suddenly appeared at the human's side, seized the rug, and tossed it backward over his shoulder. As Kuwabara sputtered and tried to muster a counterattack, the rug hit Yusuke, who was trying to haul a viciously kicking Koenma upright. Because the rug (being a luxurious rug) was rather heavy, Yusuke went sprawling over the desk. He pushed himself back up, spewing rather vivid profanity. But by this time Hiei and Kuwabara were tangled in their fight and Yusuke had no idea which one he was really mad at, so he decided to forego revenge and seek shelter from the mayhem behind a cabinet.

Koenma suddenly jumped back on the desk in his older, more imposing form, fists clenched and teeth gritted in indignant fury, and bellowed in as deep a voice as he could muster, "QUIET!!!"

Kuwabara stopped midblow, a carpet draped over his head at a lopsided angle, and bean cake in his hair and on his uniform (which was not very clean to begin with, as he had gotten into a little…physical disagreement with a schoolmate just that afternoon). Hiei (who had not been fighting, really) surprised everyone by actually setting down the lamp instead of allowing it to crash to the floor, and flashed to a far corner of the room with a sullen glower. Yusuke poked his head out from behind the cabinet. Kurama gave Koenma a cheerful grin and went to check on George, who had fainted early on in the pandemonium.

end of chapter 1

Why bean cakes? Because I like them. They're mung bean, with fillings of a paste made of red bean, a little larger than a dollar coin and about a centimeter thick. (And I suppose a small bit could be hard and compact enough to ricochet off furniture.) Sweet and yum!

Too descriptive? Bad logistics? Or perhaps you actually (huge hopeful grin) like it? I really do want to improve my writing, so… Comments and criticisms keenly coveted!