A/N: Gee, I can't think of anything even slightly coherent to put in these authors notes at the moment- Let's just call this a test run.
Disclaimer: Though the need to invade does march through my veins like giant radioactive rubberpants, Invader Zim and all other crap mentioned in this fic does not belong to my sad, pitiful being. It looks as though my veins have been denied yet again...
The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!
Chpt 1- Uber MetaFiction
In a galaxy far, far away, there existed a great Empire. An Empire that strikes terror into the very hearts of all whom hear its foul name. A cold-blooded dictatorship existing for the sole purpose of universal domination... An Empire of pure Evil. The Irkish Empire was a thing to be truly feared indeed. How many unsuspecting free planets had already been trampled under the iron boot of the highly advanced armies of the Armada? How many free peoples exterminated or enslaved under the sadistic Irken rule? But, as the saying goes, a light shines its brightest in the deepest of black, or something along those lines, I'm not entirely sure actually- I think it was mentioned somewhere while I was watching .hack- However, getting back to the plot- yes, unbeknownst to the mighty Irken armies, deep within the reaches of space, a rebel group was slowly banding. Every torrential flood begins with merely a few drops, a dabble in the barrel, small enough to slip through the fingers of the Irkens iron grasp- However, the foolish, over-confident Empire never even thought to suspect the small rebel group was to be the humble beginnings of the greatest resistance force the army would ever face...
However, seeing as this holds absolutely no relevance to this particular story, we'll just leave it at that.
This story begins on a bright, cheerful sunny day during the last period of a certain Skool (of whichs spelling makes the rest of us sigh wistfully and only wish our current educational facilities were so spiffily titled). The singing of the contented birds in the skies above was lost under the sound of children laughing, singing and dancing as they joined hands with their brethren in joy and friendship. Yes, it was one of those revoltingly perfect days that the hero (villain?) of the story hates with a deep burning passion that burns. The green-skinned alien invader narrowed his eyes at the children playing out on the streets, and found himself desperately wishing a huge car would come by and splatter the lot of the filthy little earth-stinks disgusting, repulsive organs across the road all the way up to the next red light. His lip curled slightly. He swore he could still taste those revoltingly inferior organs in the back of his obviously superior Irken throat. Yes, obviously superior indeed. Ms Bitters was perched ominously behind her desk, her eyes narrowing dangerously (watch kids, how often I'll mention eyes narrowing in this fic! Fear my mighty lack of vocabulary!). A quite hiss as she wrapped around the small boy, er, guy male-alien... thing.
"Zim! What have I told you about making those little sicky noises in the back of your throat during class?"
Now that the setting has been ever so wordily set, we can finally move onto the meat of the fic. Huzzah, this is flowing so smoothly it almost hurts. Yes, take us to the meat...
"The supposed 'tumour' the doctors removed was in fact a hideously deformed human being- The filthy boy had been unknowingly carrying his unborn twin inside of him for the last 16 long years of his wretched, miserable life. From what little information the medical professionals could gather from the rotten lump of malformed flesh, apparently it had been alive for at least 12 years, feeding off of its brothers blood, like some gruesome parasite-"the rasping voice rasped raspily as Ms. Bitters hunched threateningly in her chair, poised to lash out at any student that dared defy her ultimate classroom rules: No talking. No sleeping. No sicky noises. etc. etc. etc.
The green-skinned alien invader found himself half-wishing a huge car would burst through the window and splatter- well, we already read this in the above paragraphs. An absent smile quirked at the corner of Zims lip as he lost himself in his sweet fantasy of screeching tires and breaking glass... It would be a big car- No, a truck, and it would bounce off that Dib-humans unbelievably huge head on the way in... Said Dib-human was currently craning said unbelievably huge head over his desk to glare at the aforementioned alien invader. Zim was up to something, he just knew it. Then again, the Great Invader ZIM was always up to something so really this was no huge feat on Dibs part- as a matter of fact, you'd almost expect more with that monstrous cranium...
Both boys (and the authoress) were flung out of their respective thoughts with the shrill ring of the Skool bell. No sooner had Zim hoped out of his disgusting human filth-desk, than Ms. Bitters left the class with one last, chilling sentence:
"Remember, your research paper on quantum physics is expected to be at least 6 pages long- Due tomorrow. Now get out of my class you dirty ingrates." A collective groan escaped as the once skipping- now-trudging students slogged (isn't that the best descriptive word ever?) out of the classroom. Zims shoulders slumped as his lip jutted slightly- He had no time for useless, pathetic, vile and primitive human science! He was ZIM! ZIM! Did the earth-woman not realize what this meant?! Why, he was on a mission here for Irks sake! He had so much more worthy means of dwindling his life away beyond simple, stupid 'research papers'...
The dull glow of the television screen cast an eerie light about the darkened living room. Upon the faded red couch lay a small android, its limbs flayed out around it as it lay in a perfect, almost death-like stillness. The silence was broken by the sharp clicking of boots on the tiled floor- a sound like gunfire in such a silent tomb. The small green creature casually plopped down beside his robot companion, his large red eyes blinking in the low light as he gingerly tore open the top to his dip-stix candy snack thinger.
"What are you watching GIR?"
"... That Monkey..." sharp red orbs narrowed dangerously. On screen the monkey bared its teeth with a low growl.
Zims eyes narrowed as he hunched slightly, his claw-like fingers curling into small fists as he grated his teeth. "...That Monkey..." he hissed lightly. The other children in the hall gave him plenty of room. They'd been attending school with the strangely green boy more than long enough to know the warning signs of his eccentric outbursts. His internal fuming however, was quickly interrupted by two of his fellow classmates.
"Oh Sara, don't worry so much about the paper- All you have to do is print a page off the web and badda-bing-badda-boom, perfect score!" The two girls lightly brushed past the hunched form of Zim. A moment of perfect silence- stillness, calm...
Sara was always such a pleasant girl (to the people she liked), forever caring towards others (that she liked), always giving (to those she liked), and permanently there with kind words of praise and encouragement (to those she liked- to those she didn't she was a real bitch, but you didn't hear that from us.) A beautiful flower, just blossoming in the fruits of youth and vitality. She laughed lightly, her friend poking her jokingly in the (spleen!) side. Suddenly a cold hand clamped around her shoulder, whirling her around to meet the freakishly huge (spleen!) eyes of the freakishly green boy that had recently transferred to her class. She snatched her arm away, the Power of the Bitch ™ pumping through her veins like... Giant Radioactive Rubberpants!
"What do you want, freak?" she sneered down her nose at the shorter boy. His eye twitched slightly at the comment. There was a short pause as said 'freak' inhaled deeply.
"Foolish Worm-Female! What is this, this 'web' you speak of- Tell Me! Tell ZIM!" His hand clasped in a fist as ominous thunder rolled in the background.
The heavy oak doors burst open with a thunderous boom, the sharp sound startling the other inhabitants of the library from whatever they were all doing. There he stood, a proud silhouette in the doorway, the afternoon sun casting his long dark shadow down before him like some sick mockery of a red carpet. The image would have been slightly more intimidating if the invader had been a bit taller than 4" even. And if he didn't have that rather sore looking handprint imbedded in the side of his green face.
"ZIM... Has arrived!" He boasted loudly, his hands rising as if in offering to himself. The others rolled their eyes in unison as they dully returned to what they'd been doing before. Just another crazy, nothing too unusual- Then again very little could be filed under unusual when compared to that creepy taco-guy that had visited a few weeks ago... But once again, that's another story for another day. Zim puffed his little chest out as he marched between the rows of books and desks (insert squeak noises here), until he stood before the librarian's desk. The librarian poked her head over the side, peering down at the tiny monstrosity that stood below.
"What do you want?" she snarled contemptuously.
"Take me to the 'web' earth-wench!" he barked sharply. The librarian quirked her eyebrow. She'd never met someone who made different body spasms for each word before... And he managed to make them flow together so smoothly to-boot. She dully pointed to the row of computers to her right. He looked over to the computers, then back to her. She pointed again, and again he looked over, then back with that same uncomprehending stare. She pointed again, this time emphasising the gesture with a small growl. Zim gazed over again, then back, his eyebrow raising slowly. "I asked to see this 'web' thing," he stated flatly. "That's a computer." Obviously the poor senile old witch was very... not smart or something. The librarian snarled, her little pointy dentures grinding as she twitchily stood and rather unceremoniously grabbed the stupid little green annoyance by the back of the neck and plopped him down in front of the nearest computer. A gloved hand flailed wildly, smacking the elder woman's hands away.
"You Dare Touch ZIM!?! HUMAN WRINKLE-STINK!!!" He was silenced with a deep, throaty growl.
"Click that button to connect to the web, you poster child for birth control." Zim blinked, the insult flying right over his head. However, something in the instruction must have snagged onto one of the frayed edges of his human wig, for instead of continuing to stare blankly at the lady, he slowly turned in his spiffy swively chairsy thinger (I love those chairs) to face the computer. The Madness Dog stared soullessly back at him from the screensaver. He repressed a shudder and gingerly clicked the little icon labelled 'Click Here for Web You Worthless Mooching Infidel'.
Loading... (As you all probably have experienced first hand, library computers are really freaking slow, so we'll just throw out the condensed version.)
Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...You Sick of Waiting Yet Mortal? ...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...
6 MONTHS LATER
The boy spasmed jerkily in a puddle of his own bodily fluids as a spider crawled across his crusted, bloodshot eye (don't ask how contacts can be bloodshot. They just are). A small rubber minimoose gently chewed upon his boot. He was snapped out of his stupor with a loud, obnoxious 'Bing!' noise, his head perking up at the sound.
"Congratulations, User- You Have Made It To 'Loading' Phase 2!" the computer exclaimed in the usual over-dramatized manner we've all grown used to from watching the series. Then the mindless elevator music started up once more.
ANOTHER 6 MONTHS LATER
Zims casual eating of waffles was rudely interrupted by yet another sharp 'Bing!'. He neatly folded his plate and waffles into a small, palm-sized square which he then stored in his boot for later use. The previously mentioned small rubber minimoose had by now fused to the black boot and the hideous mockery of nature blinked up at Zim slowly. The alien invader patted it absently as his gaze returned to the computer screen. His eyes widened in awe at what greeted him. The main page- JaaHoo! The Swedish Search Engine shone brightly upon the dusty screen.
VELCOME, FELLOW TRUSTED 'UMAN!
Velcome To De Largest Collection Of 'Uman Knowledge Ev'a Known To 'Umans! Id Eben Contains Crucial Information Invading Aliens Vould Definitely Vant To Know About Earth's Veaknesses, But Vat's The Likely'ood Ov Zat Ev'a 'Appening? 'A'A'A!
I Am SVEN- Da Vedy Sveadish Search Engine. 'Ow May I 'Elp Joo?
Zim blinked slowly... The largest... collection of... human knowledge... Ever? He could feel it bubbling up from his insides, from deep within the reaches of his squeedily spooch he could feel it. All of this filthy dirt-planets fatal weaknesses, all its deadly flaws were spread out for the taking- Spread out for ZIM! He paused for a moment and wondered if perhaps that bubbly feeling was actually the small rubber minimooseboot absorbing the rest of his leg, but this fear was quickly dispelled with one quick glance downward, after which he threw back his head and cackled. Victory! Victory for Zim! Woota was he ever in the money!
... Now, how did it work?
He narrowed his eyes at the glowing screen, carefully evaluating the primitive computer. Seriously, he'd played with more advanced technology when he was a smeet for crying out loud! He cautiously moved the mouse over... Then typed "Sweden" as a test run, and clicked 'Search Ya!" His mouth gaped at the sheer amount of web results- Why here was everything he could ever possibly want to know about this 'Sweden', if he actually cared enough to know anything about Sweden! He cackled evilly to himself in all his evil invader evilness. Soon, he would be the master of all earths pitiful weaknesses... He swiftly typed "Pitiful Dirt-Planet Earths most Blatant Weaknesses to be Exploited" and grinned as he clicked the cheery yellow 'Search Ya!' buttony-thinger once again...
10 MINUTES LATER
Zim had come to four conclusions.
eBay was definitely not a secret underground weapons base.
Whatever this 'Everquest' was, it had an almost slavish following. Perhaps a feeble minded human religion of some sort?
He would have to do further research into this mysterious 'XXX' phenomenon- for some reason it was 'blocked' on these pathetic library computers... Whatever this 'XXX' held, it must be super top secret and spiffy!
When he took over the earth, he would personally hunt down whatever sick, twisted human scum had created pop-ups and hurt him.
Zim sighed irritably as he propped his head on his hand. This was getting him nowhere! Stupid humans and their Super Protective Annoying Misleads (at least that's what he figured SPAM stood for) overflowing the search engine- He should have known they'd do something to protect their most vital information! He growled quietly. Maybe the web was broken? The minimooseboot made some kind of squelching squeak-foot noise as Zim perked up. Of course! Perhaps his search was too elaborate and brilliant (for it had come from his amazing Irken brain) for the dim-witted human search engine to comprehend. Therefore, he had to try something simple, something easy, something like 'Sweden', only actually worth researching...
Something like... Dib. His eyes narrowed at the thought of his arch-nemesis. The stupid earth boy with the gargantuan head always ruined all his brilliant if-it-weren't-for-Dib-foolproof plans to conquer earth. Him and his... 'paranormal'... stuff. But now, with THIS- this 'web', he could find out all the filthy fool skool-stinks secret weaknesses... and finally be able to destroy the only thing standing in his way of global conquest! Man, was he ever smart! No wonder the Tallest had trusted him with such a secret mission!
Search Ya! search 'Dib' kicking into effect!
1940237 results for search 'Dib'.
Zim blinked... That was a lot of pages dedicated to the human... Maybe some feeble earth religion was dedicated to the Dib-filths stunningly colossal head... Wait a second... What in Irks mighty name was a 'Fanfiction'? Zim paused for a moment before casually shrugging to himself and clicking the link.
Ominous thunder panted heavily in the background, rolling as fast as it could to catch up, wondering how it could have possibly missed its cue.
He knew it! After sifting through some of the 'writings' of this 'Fanfiction' he'd finally figured out what it was- The humans had their own future-showing... thing! No wonder they held this 'web' in such reverence! With this... 'fanfiction' thing, no wonder that stupid Dib always knew how to ruin his brilliant plans! He must have read all about them ahead of time with this future-showing machine and devised a way to stop him! Zim gasped- That must have been how the Dib had seen through his amazing disguise to begin with! That filthy... that filthy cheater! However, this could be used to his advantage, for now he too could read ahead and simply take precautionary measures against the foul human. But this was as unsettling as it was helpful- what if someone else, someone who would actually be a threat stumbled across this 'fanfiction'? Here, where all his deepest secrets were exposed for any web 'surfer' who stumbled across the site to see? No, as useful as it could be, the existence of 'Fanfiction' was too dangerous to leave be- He would have to destroy it somehow, destroy the WEB!
But for the moment, he might as well gain as much information as possible from the site.
...ZADR...? If that wasn't the name of some top secret alien destroying death beam than nothing was. The tiny alien clicked the link, eyes quickly in taking all the information he could.
The librarians head whipped up at the sound, her eyes twitching under the sheer impact. Glass shattered and the unfortunate bystanders that stood too close to the sources heads exploded as that little peculiarly green boy screamed in decibels higher than she had never before thought humanly possible. Dogs for miles around had epileptic seizures and 27 babies and seniors died. Books erupted into flame as eyeballs and eardrums burst. Internal organs ruptured and for years on, the day was referred to as the dreaded 'Screechy Sunday'. Memorial services were held around noon, and students stood for a minute of silence across North America.
Back to the story.
Zim stumbled out into the sunlight on wobbly legs, then collapsed into a twitching, frothing wreck on the sidewalk. His small figure was barely noticeable amidst the carnage and destruction, his piteous cries lost beneath the wailing sirens of ambulances and fire trucks.
Miles away, Dibs juice box blew up as he felt a huge wave of gut wrenching dread wash over him.
Deep, deep down in a certain secret underground base, a small quivering being we've all come to know and love named Zim cowered in a far corner. He muttered quietly to himself as he shook his head, whimpering, simpering, any other descriptive words with 'ping' used to portray a pretty sad picture. He hadn't eaten in days, he hadn't ventured outside, he hadn't even tried communicating with GIR- he couldn't let them see him, he didn't want all of them looking at him. Looking at him with their eyes. He especially didn't want to face that human- that- that, oh he dare not speak his name! That hideous creature! Oh say what the Fanfiction spoke wasn't true! It couldn't be! He would never, never- urg! He desperately scrubbed at his arms. He felt so dirty- but the dirt, the dirt wouldn't go away!
GIR happily munched on his 4 hundredth burrito. It was just so warm and gooey... He paused for a moment as he heard another distant scream from deep down below the floor. Master Zim wasn't happy. It sounded like he needed a hug. GIR turned to hop down the elevator- but the pull of his remaining snack foods was strong. He turned back and forth, obviously torn. His little antenna drooped. A pause, and then the little robot hurled itself back into the burritos with a high pitched squeal. Zim would always be around, and he would always be grumpy. Burritos however, wouldn't always be so nice and warm... And cold burritos weren't fun, like possums in the summer night. Yes. Like possums... er, possums in speedos? Possums in bananas! Oohh... He wanted a banana... Oh yeah! Scary Monkey would be on soon!
And thus Zim is promptly forgotten by his android companion.
And thus I bring this chapter to a screeching halt. For this fic has reached monstrous proportions, and all of whoms left eyes must be bleeding by now after being subjected to my horrendous typing skills for so long.
(Insert Dr. Membrane Voice Here:)
On the Next Episode of 'The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!', Zim finally figures out what a fanfic really is! Imagine, taking 2 freaking chapters just to figure out fandom- What a moron! Anyways, Zim decides to exact his revenge upon the fan community with his own COUNTER FIC! Oh horror of horrors- Can the fan world survive the mighty wrath of ZIM? Find out Next time! Same ZIM time- Same ZIM channel!
Now check this out! (Boom Boxes)
Well, I've edited out the most blatant mistakes of this chapter. Hopefully I don't lose any reviews when I replace the them.
Just as an ending note, this idea technically doesn't belong to me- I stumbled across a fic about the characters writing a fic once before... I think it was from Fushigi Yugi, but I could be wrong. Besides, from what I remember it was kinda... not good. ; But then again, this isn't great either so huzzah- the bad fiction spreads.
R&R please- Constructive criticism is accepted and greatly appreciated.