DISCLAIMER: All Hail Joss.
SUMMARY: One-shot. Extremely thin plot. Borderline sillyfic. Set during Older And Farther Away and the never-ending birthday party, the Scoobies decide to play a round of "Never have I ever…" and wackiness ensues.
"I'm bored," huffed Dawn as she tossed down her cards. "We've been playing poker for like," a glance at the clock, "two and a half hours, it's four in the morning and all three of our guests are asleep." At that she pointed over to where Clem and Sophie had dozed off while watching TV on the couch and Richard was completely passed out in the comfy chair.
Xander snorted. "Lightweights! They just can't keep up with the kinds of hours kept by the Scooby Gang."
"That's because most normal people aren't up until the crack of why-am-I-awake killing demons," Buffy remarked dryly. She turned to Dawn. "Did you have anything else better to do in mind?"
Dawn grinned. "I thought you'd never ask. We should totally play "Never have I ever!"
"What's that?" asked Anya.
"It's this game where everyone goes around saying something that they've never done, and then everyone who has done that thing has to do something."
"Do something like take a shot?" Buffy inquired. "I know how the game is played, and it's a drinking game. And how exactly do you know how to play?" she asked suspiciously.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "It doesn't have to be a drinking game. The way I learned it everybody just held up ten fingers and put one down if they had done the thing, and the one who lost all their fingers first was the loser. I'm pretty sure with the drinking version, whoever passes out or pukes first is the loser."
"Maybe we should just play the finger version," Willow suggested.
"Oh no," Spike interjected at that, reaching behind him to the chair on which his duster hung and digging into one of the deep pockets. He pulled out a full bottle of Jack Daniel's and set it on the floor in the middle of the group. "This party definitely needs some liquid encouragement." He then stood and walked into the kitchen, coming back out a short time later with a handful of shot glasses.
Buffy frowned. "How come I didn't know we had those?"
Spike just smirked at her, then passed one out to everyone seated on the floor.
"Hey!" Dawn protested. "Don't I get one?"
Her question was answered with a chorus of "NO's" and Dawn sulked. "Fine!" Then she abruptly brightened. "I'll just sit back and enjoy watching everyone get drunk, and collect some valuable blackmail material!" she grinned. "Ooh!" she added, "can I do the first one?"
"Go ahead," said Buffy, who almost immediately regretted it as she saw the positively evil glint in her sister's eyes.
"And to get this game going on the right foot: Never have I ever…" she paused dramatically, grinning from ear to ear as she glanced at everyone in the group, "had sex," she finished.
There was a collective groan as everyone passed around the bottle of whiskey and took their shots. "Nice one, Nibblet," Spike grinned. "Very crafty."
Dawn beamed. "I thought so."
"Okay, I'll go next," said Xander. "Never have I ever…had sex in the ocean."
Anya, Buffy, and Spike all took their shots.
"Me next," said Anya. "Never have I ever…" she trailed off, everyone else staring at her expectantly. "Hang on, I'm thinking! This is hard," she complained. "There isn't a lot I haven't done."
"Believe us, Anya, we know that," Willow mumbled.
"Oh, I've got one! Never have I ever had a threesome," she smiled, proud that she'd come up with something.
"Really?" asked Willow, disbelieving.
Anya shrugged. "The opportunity just never presented itself."
The only one who took a shot was Spike, which surprised no one.
"My turn," said Willow. "Never have I ever had sex with more than two people."
Everyone except Xander took a shot. "Tara?" Willow squeaked, eyebrows in the air.
Tara blushed crimson and shrugged. "I had a summer f-fling after high school graduation. My turn," she quickly changed the subject. "N-Never have I ever been tied up during sex."
Xander, Anya, Buffy, and Spike took a shot.
"Well," Spike drawled, "I guess I'll go next. Never have I ever had sex on a plane." Now that he'd used the one thing he could think of, Spike didn't know what he was going to do on the next round.
Apparently, nobody else had done so, either. "Hang on," Xander held up a finger. "You're saying that, as a guy who has been around since the airplane was invented, you've never had sex on one?"
Spike shrugged. "Never even been on one. Kinda tough to do with my little sunlight allergy, you nit."
"Okay, me next," Buffy cut in, before any testosterone could start flying. She immediately had to wrack her brain to think of something that she hadn't done. Her recent escapades made that extremely difficult. Suddenly, her eyes lit up as she thought of the perfect thing. "Never have I ever had sex with a woman."
Buffy grinned as every single person took their shot.
Xander somewhat drunkenly leaned up against Anya. "Ooh…really? Is there videotape?"
"Sorry, no, it was just once and before such a thing as cameras existed."
"Poo," he pouted. "Ruin my fun."
"Humble grumble," an increasingly tipsy Willow added. "No fair targeting the lesbians. Get her back for me baby!" she pointed at Tara.
Tara, starting to feel the alcohol herself, giggled and asked, "Aren't we supposed to be taking turns?"
"Don't care! Get 'er back!"
Tara grinned. "Never have I ever had sex with a man."
Again the bottle got passed around and everyone except Xander took a shot. "Oh my god!" cried Xander, pointing at Spike as he took his shot. "I knew it!" Buffy merely smirked as Spike rolled his eyes. She'd already heard this story.
"It was just the once, and we were completely pissed on absinthe." Spike smirked, then added, "Bet none of you'll ever look at Angel the same way again."
Buffy choked back her laughter as everyone tried to wrap their brains around that mental image. Xander dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Ugh, I need to steel wool that idea out of my brain."
Willow giggled. "I think this game just got more interesting now that we know we can do this offensively." She turned and smiled smugly at Buffy. "Never have I ever had sex with a vampire."
Buffy stuck her tongue out at Willow, took her shot, then passed the bottle to Spike. Spike took his shot and set the bottle back on the floor only to have it snatched up by Anya.
"Again?!" asked Xaner, incredulous.
"I said there wasn't much I hadn't done! And Vlad was very charming." She got a faraway look in her eyes before she shook it off and took her shot. "Ooh!" she exclaimed as she thought of something, then grinned at Spike. "Never have I ever had sex with more than one vampire!" she said, proud to have targeted someone.
Spike grabbed the bottle from her and took a swig straight from the neck, and in his slightly drunken state thought nothing of passing the bottle over to Buffy, who, in her equally inebriated state, thought nothing of taking a swig herself.
Buffy seemed to realize just what she'd done as she swallowed, and lowered the bottle slowly, wide eyes glancing from person to person. Everyone was staring at her in various states of shock, with the exception of Spike, who suddenly found something very interesting on his fingernails. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Buffy's, then turned them to defiantly hold the gazes of the Scoobies.
The exchange was missed entirely by Anya, who had been busy thinking of more ways to target people. "Oh! I've got another one!" She turned to Xander. "Never have I ever had sex with a Slayer! See, honey? I got you! Now you have to take a shot, because you had sex with that Faith girl, remember? Xander?"
But Xander's attention was riveted to the pair sitting across from him, his eyes suddenly darting to the bottle of whiskey that Spike was slowly reaching for. He pulled it out of Buffy's hand, and took a long draught, his eyes never leaving Xander's.
Buffy glanced nervously between the two, then back to Willow, Tara and Dawn, each of whom wore mixed expressions. Willow just looked confused, Tara bore a gentle smile of understanding and perhaps encouragement, and Dawn with almost uncontained giddiness.
The staring match between Spike and Xander continued for several more seconds, before Xander held out his hand toward the vampire. Spike warily handed the man the bottle, then watched as he quickly downed the rest of the dwindling liquid.
"HWAH!" Xander exclaimed, shaking his head sharply at the burning sensation in his throat. He sniffed, then set the empty on the floor. Everyone remained with baited breath, waiting for the explosion. When it came, everyone was still shocked.
Xander started laughing. More than that, Xander was soon in near hysterics, tears of mirth coursing down his red face.
Willow frowned, then as the guffaws quieted down into giggles, asked, "What's so funny, Xander?"
"It…it's just…" he broke off into giggles again. "I just figured out what Spike's naked pushups were all about!" and with that, he burst out in to full laughter again. He clutched his stomach and tipped over onto his side, pointing his finger at Spike as he tried to continue speaking. "You should've seen your face, man! And you!" he pointed at Buffy. "You were so messing with him, weren't you! That was so wrong, Buff!"
Xander's glee was soon contagious, and Buffy began to giggle, followed closely by Dawn and Willow, and finally joined by Tara. Anya merely shrugged. She knew that if it hadn't happened yet, Spike and Buffy were going to end up boinking sooner or later.
The laughter finally died down enough to where everyone realized that Spike had remained sitting extremely still, watching them intently.
"What's the matter?" sniffed Buffy, as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.
Spike's eyes darted between all of them. "So…none of you lot's gonna stake me?"
Everyone, even Xander, shook their head in the negative.
Spike sighed and relaxed his defensive posture. "Well that's a relief, then! And now that everybody knows--!" Spike suddenly turned to Buffy and hauled her over onto his lap, then cradled her into his arms as he rose to his feet with her, causing her to squeal, "--it's been three bleeding days since we last shagged, we're horny as hell, and we'll be upstairs if you need us."
And with that, Spike swept up the stairs, followed by the slamming of Buffy's bedroom door and the muffled sounds of laughter and thudding coming from above.
Everyone sat quietly for a moment. Then:
"So can I play with you guys now?" asked Dawn.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't ask me why. I don't know. I was feeling kind of silly, the "plot" (and I use that in the loosest sense of the word) was silly, therefore you have sillyfic. Hope you enjoyed.