ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL
Chapter Nineteen: "Here Kitty Kitty…"
As these sounds and various banging and scratching noises echoed throughout the camp, the other members of the Fellowship were awakened in alarm. Everyone flew to the edge of the woods to see what was going on. Even Fiona peeked an eye around her tent-flap door.
What they saw brought them tumbling to the ground in fits of mirthful laughter.
Legolas was fighting. With a CAT! A cat wearing boots and a feathered hat.
What was more, the cat appeared to be winning.
Aragorn tried to get up and help Legolas, but soon was overcome by laughter again, and could only watch helplessly from a distance, while Legolas and the cat rolled, scratched, tumbled and wrestled.
Shrek managed to push aside his amusement long enough to get on his feet. He made his way into the fray and pulled the animal from where it had its claws lodged in the Elf's hair. He tossed the cat a few feet away, where it landed on its booted feet and began to lick its wounds.
Legolas sat up, sputtering with rage. "That-that…what the…how did…why I oughtta…" Aragorn managed to keep him from charging the cat again by whispering to him that his hair was a mess. Startled into silence, Legolas quickly began to repair his split ends with his specialty leave-in conditioner.
Shrek turned to the cat, who was sitting on his haunches looking at Legolas with renewed light in his eyes, and without the malice that had once been reflected there. "Who are you?"
The cat stood to his feet and took a bow, sweeping his feathered hat off of his head. "I am Puss. In boots," he added proudly, showing off his expensive Italian footwear.
The Hobbits ooh-ed and ahh-ed, impressed.
Legolas stopped his hair ministrations to gape at the cat. "YOU'RE the infamous hell-cat warrior, Puss in Boots? Why I must have heard a thousand tales of the bravery of such an animal. Yet you're a mere kitty-cat."
Puss swept his hat from his head once again, "For you, I will be anything."
"Um…" Legolas looked uncomfortable. "Thanks. I think."
"You're more than welcome, senorita," purred Puss, kissing, er, licking Legolas' hand.
"Now see here!" The Elf was indignant at this. "I am no girl!"
Puss raised his eyebrows tauntingly, "Whatever you say, amor."
Legolas let out a growl and stamped his foot. "Tell this feline monstrosity that I am indeed MALE!" he demanded of the Fellowship.
Everyone whistled and looked everywhere but Legolas, innocent smiles pasted to their faces.
"Bloody traitors," muttered the Elf.
Shrek shook his head and turned back to the cat. "What are you doing here? And why did you attack Legolas?"
"I am dreadfully sorry about that, mi querida. I did not know that you were so beautiful a damsel in distress, or I would have more properly introduced myself before I pounced on top of you." Puss waggled his eyebrows at Legolas again. "Unless that's the way you LIKE it."
Legolas retched into the bushes. The rest of the Fellowship pretended not to notice.
"Well? Are you going to answer me?" Shrek demanded, getting impatient with the romantic cat.
Puss nodded. "A thousand apologies, mi amigo, but I am the Marchwarden of Lothlorien. I routinely patrol the borders, and saw your campfire. I mistook your party for a band of Orcs or Goblins. We get a lot more of them nowadays since the Dark Lord…" Puss spat in the direction of Mordor, "…rose to power again."
Gimli smirked. "Yes, I can see how you'd mistake Legolas for an Orc or a Goblin."
Legolas gave him a Look.
Puss licked Legolas' face amorously.
Legolas vomited again. When he steadied himself, he turned again to the lovestruck pussy-cat. "You lie. You are no Marchwarden. Haldir is the Elf who holds that position here. He is a friend of mine, although I have not seen him in many years."
Puss in Boots bowed low. "A thousand pardons, senorita, but it is you who are mistaken. The one you speak of no longer holds the office of Marchwarden. He was adopted, you see."
Legolas frowned. This was highly irregular. "Adopted? By whom?"
"By the Fairy Godmother, mi amor, who changed his name. He is no longer Haldir, but he is called Prince Charming," replied the cat.
Aragorn groaned. "Oh no. Not Fairy Godmother."
Everyone turned to him. "You know of the Fairy Godmother, senor?" asked Puss.
Aragorn nodded reluctantly, a sour expression pasted to his face. "How do you think I ended up with Arwen? She made a wish for a husband, and one of her stipulations was for him to become King one day. Basically she wanted to be a Queen when she grew up. So certain events transpired, such as the death of my parents, my adoption by her father Elrond, and his subsequent betrothal of myself to her. I never even stood a chance."
Boromir, Merry and Pippin looked at him in awe. "But she's gorgeous! How can you sound so disappointed by that?" asked Boromir, enviously.
The future King of Men shot him a woeful glance. "She's not the granddaughter of Galadriel for nothing. You'll see what I mean once we get inside Lothlorien."
Puss stood again and drew his rapier, which none of them had noticed until now. "I am sorry senors y senorita, but I cannot allow you to pass."
"What?" Legolas cried. "This is an outrage! And I'm NOT a GIRL!"
Puss narrowed his eyes at the Ogre. "You bring great evil with you, mis amigos. You may go no further."
Spanish: mi querida – my dear
amor – love
mi amigo – my friend
everything else – obvious lol
My sincerest apologies to Haldir. This story is starting to get more into Shrek's movie than just the Fellowship of the Ring, thankfully. I told you it would stray from the canon as it went along, just be patient. Eventually I'm going to revamp the earlier chapters so they'll be longer and less canon too. EVENTUALLY. Until then, here's a little something to tide you over. Reviews are welcome. Flames will be used to make s'mores for anyone who wants them. I'm in the mood for chocolate anyhow. Hehe…