A few author's notes:
I cried writing that last page.
I now understand why people write sad fics (can't tell you why otherwise who would write more?)
I hope you enjoy it.
P.S. I don't own anything
Edogawa Conan was not always himself, as in Edogawa Conan. He had once been Kudo Shinichi. But that was a long time ago.
When he first became Conan, he had unstable hopes and wishes because the was no proof that he would forever be Conan and no proof that he would not. And so he hoped and prayed that he would one day be himself again.
But each time he came close to the people, if they even deserved to be called that, animals really, who had turned him into Conan he was left with more questions than answers.
He met Ai, another victim of the poison but she took it voluntarily. She gave him lots of hope that one day he would be Shinichi again.
Despite that fact, his prayers and his wishes did not revolve around her. That honor went to his childhood friend, Ran.
She was his dream. To him she was perfect, her eyes, her hair, her personality- so tender but so strong. his prayers went only to her, that she maybe happy, that she would always wait for him, that if "Shinichi" said he loved her, she would say it.
He knew she did, and he also knew if he said it, not as Shinichi permanently again, who knew how disappointed, how broken she would be if he couldn't come back.
So he stayed silent and waited for that day to come.
But it never came.
Ai found that the cure would be too strong, too fast, too unstable. She would not allow him to try it and maybe die. All she could do was to tell him to grow up.
That night Conan went home, to Ran's home, feeling terrible that night.
He did not know how he would tell her, her Shinichi was never coming back.
To just tell her that he'd seen Shinichi and he told him to tell Ran... that would be rotten. But he didn't feel that over the phone would be that much better.
He went to sleep that night crying, his sleep plagued by nightmares Ran didn't seem to hear until almost morning.
"Conan, wake up sweetie, you've been crying," she said softly, almost tearfully.
"Ran..." he looked up at her, tear stains on his young cheeks and his eyes red-rimmed.
"Were your dreams troubling you? What happened today, you came back so quietly? It was a little scary," she added trying to lighten the melancholy mood.
"Ran, can I have a hug? Just for now. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll tell you, okay?"
She was a little taken aback but smiled it off.
"All right." She hugged him tightly and tucked him in. She kissed his forehead and just before she left his room she told him, "Conan, don't worry or think about your problems, just know you have me to help you. Goodnight."
He was a little surprised but slept peacefully for he remainder of the night.
In the morning he left home before Ran awoke again. He went over to Dr. Agasa's house, he had one last question for Ai.
But she was already gone.
His hope, fading fast, was desperate, so desperate he almost missed the envelope addressed to him. A letter and a small box were inside.
I am sorry I failed but I cannot subject you to die at my hands. If you never knew I loved you, which is why i leave you with one last gift. No thanks is necessary. The box you now hold is the last temporary pill you can ever take. You will no longer be Kudo Shinichi when it is finished. I leave it to you because I know you'll want it. Good bye Shinichi, if I find anything of worth to you, I'll contact you.
Conan opened the box and looked at the pill. It gave him his chance to tell Ran everything. But how would she feel? He wasn't sure but he thought the least he could do was see her. He knew she'd like that.
Shinichi knocked the door of Ran's home.
She opened the door and began to cry at the sight of him.
He didn't understand what was wrong. He moved to hold her but she backed away, only crying more.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she finally asked through the sobs.
He gave her a confused look, after all she wasn't supposed to know.
"Don't look at me like that," she replied harshly, "You're Conan! I heard you crying, saying everything in your sleep. Did you think I hadn't wondered in all these months about you and Conan, what do you take me for? I'm a detectives daughter you know! And besides that I know you Kudo Shinichi, what made you think you couldn't tell me?" She lapsed into tears again.
Shinichi looked at her. The tears intensified her whole stance. He knew he had no choice now but to tell her everything.
And he did.
She stayed entirely quiet as he did so. Slowly her tears dried and night began to fall. Finally when he was done she asked, "Didn't you trust me to protect myself? Did it not occur to you your enemies may already be watching me?"
He looked at her questionedly , "Don't you know that what you don't know can't hurt you, they may believe you don't know anything and let you go. Don't you know I loved you. But last night I had to let that go. That's why I cried."
The entire time she had been sitting across from him, at that moment thought she stood up and went to sit next to him.
Shinichi was totally surprised by the arms around his neck and the kiss suddenly placed on his lips, both of which Ran's. He was further surprised to find how quickly his hands went to her waist.
The moment however only lasted as long as logic would allow. So he had to push ran away and in his mind it felt as if he were trying to distance himself from a mountain.
"Ran," he began as quickly as he could, "after today I'll only be Conan. I can't let you do anything you'll regret."
She was not happy at those words, "I can't believe I let you go after those men in black, which is something you now regret. You owe me in other words Shinichi."
Ran couldn't let go of Shinichi not until the last possible moment. And that day even Shinichi knew he didn't want to either.
A week later the Kudos came to pick up Conan, they asked him if he wanted to stay in Japan. He said Japan is where he's liked to grow up.
Ran in that time fell ill from depression, Eri and Kogoro did everything they could but only Conan's care helped her.
In the end after her sickness passed it was found she knew nothing of the man she loved and didn't acknowledge the boy who she'd come to know as her little brother.
During her sickness Conan turned ten. He resigned into acting permanently as a normal boy. He no longer took any joy from detective cases. He didn't care for school at all and only went twice or so a week. His obsession with the black organization died.
In a sense they had both lost their lives.
When Ran was better Conan decided to leave the Mouri residence. Kogoro didn't mind too much because he had the sneaking suspicion Conan was the source of his daughters sickness.
He went back to his former home, the home of a young man now lost and had his parents change the listing of the owners.
But the house, though it had never felt that way before, was empty. yes the books were there, everything was the same, but it was still empty.
He had lost Ran.
he had lost everything.
Something very thin kept him living as Conan otherwise he was sure he would have committed suicide.
One night sitting on his roof looking at the stars he realized what it was.
It was the wish, his wish, that none of this had ever happened, that he just had Ran.