YET ANOTHER PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN PARODY... BY ME (IZZIE, THE CABBAGE)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, the Characters, any of Gore Verbinski's work including evil videotapes or cursed pirate gold. Or a pirate ship. (Yet.)

It was a foggy day and a young ugly child was standing at the front of a ship, singing like a wannabe Kate Winslet. What she was singing was a version of 'A Pirates Life for Me' although it did not sound much like it. As she squawked another six or so lines of the song, putting several million happy cinema viewers in terrible agony, a plump ugly man sneaked up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. She gasped and spun around. 'Shut yer face, you ugly squirt. Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us now, do you? Even though that's the entire and full point of this film.'
'Mr Gibbs, that will do. Nobody finds you remotely funny; in fact we all think you're an alcoholic boozer, you sod.'
'But she was singing about pirates. It's bad luck to be singing about pirates in this unnatural fog, you mark my words.'
'Consider them marked,' Norrington sighed. 'On your way. And keep away from my mini-fridge. I count those Budweiser's, you know.'
'Aye lieutenant,' Mr Gibbs said. He moved away and took another drink from his flask. 'It's bad luck to have a woman aboard too. Even a miniature one.'
'I heard that, you sexist bastard!' Elizabeth said. 'Anyway, I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate.'
'Think again Miss Swann,' Norrington said, frowning. 'Vile creatures the lot of them. I intend to see to it that any man that sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what's coming to him. A short drop and a sudden stop.'
'You mean the ride at Disneyland? I like that one,' Elizabeth smiled. She saw Mr Gibbs mime hanging and gasped in horror.
Just then her father, the Governor, walked over. 'Lieutenant, I appreciate your concern, but I don't want my daughter to get the impression she has to listen to a pompous git wearing an ice-cream on his head. Kindly piss off.'
'My apologies, Governor Swann,' Norrington said, leaving.
'Actually, I find it all fascinating,' Elizabeth beamed.
'Yes, you would, you evil little child. Now go play dangerously leaning over the edge of the ship.'
Elizabeth did as she was told and stared hard at the water, which was currently her favourite past-time (as well as pouring Mr Gibb's rum supply to the dolphins and watching them turn triple back-flips). Suddenly she noticed an umbrella floating in the water. She ignored the near drowning boy and watched it float past.
'Look, look, there's an umbrella in the water,' she called. 'Oh, and a drowning boy,' she added, seeing images of lawsuits flash past in her mind. 'Man overboard!' Norrington yelled. Several men took this the wrong way and jumped off the boat. Soon the boy was hauled up on board.
Suddenly a burning ship came into view. Everyone ignored it, however. They were too busy watching the pretty umbrella, gently floating...
'Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He will be in your charge.' Elizabeth nodded obediently, already thinking of various ways to annoy the helpless, near dead child.
'What's your name?' she asked.
'W-w-w-will Turner,' he stuttered. Elizabeth decided he must be in with the hip-hop clan. Perhaps he was touring?
'I'm watching over you Will,' she said loudly, and watched her father and Norrington smile at her loveliness. 'So don't try anything,' she hissed in an undertone as they walked away.
As he fainted again (presumably at her loveliness), she saw a glittery gold thing round his neck.
'Has he said anything?' Norrington asked.
'He has a pirate medallion. Therefore, I must assume he is a pirate. Or he has some cool rapper bling.'
'Alrighty,' Norrington hummed, walking away.
Elizabeth left the half dead boy, who was now coughing up starfish, and walked to the front of the boat. She gazed out to sea and saw a strange ship. Shock horror! It had a black flag on! A pirate ship! It was reflected in her shiny contact lenses. She deliberated whether to tell the crew, but soon forgot and began to annoy the orphaned boy instead.