A/N: Idea came to me when I was sitting bored in my dad's office at his desk. I had pen. I had paper. And I didn't feel like epic romance.


The Lay of Mary Sue

Shall I spin a tale of Princesses of old,

Maidens with flowing long hair?

Who sing and dance and weave at their loom,

Who cook and do garment repair?

They ride on white horses with saddles of gold,

Eyes bright and hair in a plait.

A quiver of arrows and a sword at the hip,

But the best weapon's a bosom not flat.

Chorus:

They come in all colours, all shapes and all sizes

Bearing gifts of magic, telepathy, disguises,

But if anything they can master (indeed which they can)

Why is it in close calls they always need a man?

Fear not Prince Charming, you're not out of a job!

Go save your damsel in distress!

Though she's three times better in combat than thou,

How can she fight in that dress?

For you see, our heroine wants attention and care

Due to trauma suffered at a young age,

She's sworn never to love another man, Be he

King, Prince, Duke, Knight, Serf or Mage.

Chorus 2:

They spawn in all fandoms, from Star Trek to LotR,

Whose authors know G'ladriel as that White Queen in FotR

Who wears only white cloaks and walks in bare feet,

Let's give her a daughter whom Legolas shall meet!

As Calliope is my muse, I shall now pray tell,

These girls are not what they seem!

Appearances deceive and their pretty heads are hollow,

These Heroines of our dire dreams.

Their tale's one of Romance, on a long winding quest

That finishes in an R-rated scene.

Then girl runs away with pretty head full of angst,

And is chased by Darling Prince keen.

Chorus 3:

They chase every hero, every ranger and Elf,

From earth to Rivendell they journey in stealth,

To then run away from a marriage arranged,

By cruel daddy Elrond to a Mirkwood Elf strange.

Too well we know these sagas of woe

Overdone and clich├ęd plotlines!

That spawn from the minds of teenage fangirls,

Who've nothing better to do with their time.

Mary Sues they are known by, Mary Sues they are called,

Characters too good to be true!

Don't get up your hopes single men of the world

-With Aragorn, why would they pick you?

Better to burn then and flame them to hell

These shallow illusions of beauty

Let the PPC curse them and hunt them and flame them,

That, after all, is our duty.

Chorus 4:

Run little Sue, run as fast as you can!

Cos Arwen ain't been happy since you stole her man!

And Thranduil's seen through his to-be daughter-in-law,

Farewell Sue, no longer do you inspire awe.


PPC: Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Find out more, here: