Ninja Girl's Stolen Her Last Materia
Or, the DEATH OF YUFFIE!Dedicated to a fellow Yuffie hater: Cuddle Bunny thanks for all the good times, as well as for introducing me to the wonders of Final Fantasy! I love her next to Cid lol ;)
Note to readers: I do not own any characters from Final Fantasy. This story was made purely to express my undying hate of Yuffie and by no means inflicts hatred on any of the other characters despite jokes made about some of them. I hope you enjoyed this if you hate Yuffie like I do, since many of us want to kill that materia stealing bitch!! IF YOU DO LIKE YUFFIE HARDCORE THEN DO NOT SEND BASHING REVIEWS BECAUSE THEY WILL BE DELETED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS FIC IS JUST FOR FUN AND BY NO MEANS INSULTS PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE YUFFIE (whoever they are...)
Anyways...on with the story...
On the airship Highwind (named proudly after Cid yay!) Cloud and Tifa sit at a table in the boardroom drinking coffee. In an intense conversation, they are discussing their future plans after they defeat Sephiroth.
Cloud: So, what do you plan to do after everything's over Tifa? Do you plan to go back to Nibelheim?
Tifa: Definitely not, considering Nibelheim is basically a false reconstruction. Its not like I have anything to go back to...but that could all change if you and I...
Cloud: (oblivious to what she is hinting) You have a point there. I don't think I have much going for me either, especially since that fall into the life stream really screwed my mind up. I think I might need to see a psychiatrist or something...(o0)
Tifa: (desperate to get through to him) You don't need to do that. If you want to see someone, you could always see me...
Cloud: Huh? (Still not figuring it out) Anyway, didn't you ever wonder what everyone else plans to do after this crap is over? Sephiroth is basically a psycho now; so once he's gone everything will be all good!
Tifa: I don't know. I was more concerned with what you and I were going to do-
Just then, Barret angrily bursts into the room and takes a seat next to Tifa. Before either of them can say anything, he blurts out in typical Barret rage.
Barret: #%% Yuffie! Her and her goddamn materia!!!!"
Cloud: What the hell are you talking about Barret?
Barret: I was looking out the main window of the Highwind, when that little punk snuck up behind me and stole my materia!
Tifa: Did you ask for it back?
Barret: The hell? NO! Why would I ASK for MY materia back from that little scumbag! I was going to make her regret it but Vincent convinced me not to throw her out the window.
Tifa: Darn...what a shame... (Disappointed because Yuffie is among many who like Cloud, and she wanted to get rid of the competition especially since Aeris died)
Cloud: Man, that chick sure is desperate to rebuild Wutai...you'd think if she wanted to make it a non-tourist site that badly she'd focus on getting rid of the tourists instead of stealing from people.
Barret: That's what I've been trying to tell you all along!!! Its your fault that little jackass followed us because you just had to raise her already HUGE ego by answering her dumbass questions after she stole a crap load of our gil!
Cloud: I was just trying to be nice...
Barret: Well you'd better stop your niceness shit because I think you sampled too much of the life steam after you took that little "trip" of yours...
Just then Cid barges into the room with a cigarette in his mouth where upon he flops down on an empty chair next to cloud and says...well...knowing Cid you can probably guess...
Cid: That mother $#$& Yuffie! I ain't takin' no more of this $& shit from her!
Barret: What the hell happened now?
Cid: I was sittin' in my pilot's chair smokin' a cigarette when that little kleptomaniac walked by and STOLE MY #$& VENUS GOSPEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE !#$$'S WRONG WITH HER!!!
Tifa: Venus Gospel? What kind of name is that, and why the heck would anyone want to steal one of your...handmade weapons...
Cloud: More importantly, did you get it back?
Cid: What the $#%# do you think? Would I be sittin' on my ass talkin' to you if I got my weapon back?
Barret: Hell no. None of us would be talkin' to each other like this if it ain't for Yuffie bringing us all this shit...
Tifa: (mysteriously) Yeah, haven't you people noticed how many problems Yuffie's caused us? It started with stealing our gil and she claims to be our 'friend' yet she pops up out of nowhere and always interrupts what we say. The on top of it all there was that annoying sidequest with her in Wutai when she stole our materia...
Cid: I hated that #!$% side quest! I wish there was a side quest when all of us get to kick her #%# ass for causing us so much goddamn trouble!!!!!!! I should've shoved her worthless ass on my %$%# rocket and sent her into #%%# space so she could crash into Sephiroth's #$!$ meteor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Well...you guys have a point about that; it was a horridly annoying side quest. Made me wish I hadn't wandered into Wutai in the first place.
Barret: (shifty eyes) Maybe we should burn Wutai down so she won't have no precious town to rebuild!
Tifa: That wouldn't work because being the hopeless kleptomaniac that she is she would find another crazy reason to steal our stuff!
Barret: Well then what do ya wanna do bout' it? How did she even live when she stole shit from Cid of all people?
Cid: THE #$$'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? I was gonna do somethin' about it but that Vincent dude convinced me not to!!!!
Cloud: Why is Vincent of all people telling us not to get rid of her? I thought out of everyone he would hate her the most since he's her complete opposite...
Cait Sith hops his way into the room and says cheerfully before situating himself near the doorway, appearing to be unaware of their conversation though quickly proving he was deceiving them with the questionable look on his plush face.
Cait Sith: Hey guys! Talking about Yuffie I see?
Cid: Why the $!!$%% do you care you $!%#% plush cat? I outta take your worthless body back to the Gold Saucer and DEMAND A $$% REFUND since you came from a %# claw machine!
Cait Sith: What do you mean? Who said I cared, I'm just here for the conversation. I hate Yuffie just as much as the rest of you. By the way you jackass, I did NOT come from a claw machine!
Tifa: It's no wonder, because you were created to spy on us so I guess no one should be surprised to see you here scheming...
Cait Sith: Oh get over it everyone, I helped your worthless asses didn't I when you needed the black materia? Let's not forget that, as well as the fact Cloud was the one who practically gave the black materia to Sephiroth.
Cloud: That wasn't my fault!!!! If it wasn't for Yuffie we would be conspiring against how to get rid of you, so shut your mouth unless you want to help us.
Cait Sith: Fine, I'm in on this. I ain't got nothing personal against Yuffie, but she sure is annoying anyway so why not get rid of her. She's worthless to the team since her attacks all suck, especially her final limit break. Not to mention that one magic limit break called 'Clear Tranquil' which is a crappy poser of Aeris' 'Healing Wind'
Cloud: (cries when Aeris' name is brought up) I LOVED YOU AERIS! WHY DID YOU DIE!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: Not this crying stuff again! Cloud, although we somewhat miss Aeris, she was a desperate pansy who kept hitting on you numerous times! Why not go for me? I'm totally free and sexy...(searches for a pole somewhere so she can show off her moves)
Cid: (pissed off as always after figuring out what Tifa is up to) What the #$!$% you tryin' to do Tifa? THIS IS MY #%% SHIP NOT SOME GODDAMN STRIP JOINT!!!!!
Just then Red XIII stalks into the room after hearing all the commotion and stands next to Cait Sith. Little does the plush cat know that Red XIII keeps wondering if he should use him as a chew toy, but decides not to after listening to Cid's loud ranting about Tifa's obsession with Cloud, as well as their undying loathing of Yuffie. After a few minutes of nearly endless swearing coming from Cid, he finally pipes in questioningly.
Red XIII: What's going on? Why is everyone plotting against Yuffie for?
Barret: Cuz she's a materia stealing #!# that's why!!!! Not to mention she was unsympathetic to my heart-wrenching story!
Cid: That %$%$ ninja stole MY GODDAMN VENUS GOSPEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: She's getting too close to Cloud...I must eliminate her...
Cloud: I never liked her anyway, she's a weird kleptomaniac!!!!
Cait Sith: No real reason, I just plain hate her Aeris posing guts.
Red XIII: (exasperated) I see...well I could hear Cid's ranting all the way down in the engine room. If you plan on killing Yuffie, you might want to do it a lot more quietly...
Tifa: Oh we will, but does that mean you want to participate?
Red XIII: I don't know...killing Yuffie? Isn't that a bit harsh?
Barret: HARSH??? The hell you on cat? That ninja wannabe caused us nothin' but trouble since she showed up here! An' there's no way we're gonna take more of that.
Red XIII: Well, I suppose it is inevitable even if I didn't do anything that you would kill her, so I might as well help. I find nothing wrong with Yuffie other than she steals constantly, but...
Cloud: Its settled then, everyone will help kill Yuffie. I have a plan that might work, as long as no one screws it up. Right now we're heading to Midgar to kick the Shinra's ass, and the only way to get there undetected is by parachute. So...
Barret: So? Is that all your spiky headed brain can think of? Quit stating the obvious an' get to the point.
Cloud: (slightly annoyed) I was just getting to the point! Anyways, since we have to parachute in, one of us can screw up Yuffie's parachute so when she tries to open her parachute it will fail and she will plummet to her demise! (evil grin)
Tifa: (skeptical) That's the best you can think of?
Cloud: (offended) Hey it took me less than five seconds to construct this plan and I'm not allowing you to insult my already screwed up mind! Besides, since I'm the leader you have to do what I say!!! (starts getting teary eyed when everyone stares threateningly at him as though wanting to kill him instead of Yuffie)
Cait Sith: Well, guess if that's all Cloud can think of then I ain't gonna complain none. It's either make it look like an accident, or pummel her with knights of the round till she finally dies.
Tifa: Forget knights of the round, they told us not to summon them again after we interrupted their drinking contest to see which of them could be the better drunk version of king Arthur.
Cid: What the #%%? Why don't we jus toss that %$$ ninja off the Highwind??!!? I dunno why you people have to make it so goddamn complicated!!!!
Red XIII: No, that wouldn't be very professional. It's a shame Vincent isn't a part of this since he was a Turk after all, and they deal mostly with kidnapping and assassinations...
Cloud: Vincent is well...Vincent, I doubt he would be interested in something like this. Now all we need is someone quiet enough, and I really emphasize on the word quiet, who will screw up Yuffie's parachute.
Cait Sith: Leave it to me! I ain't gonna make no noise when I go and mangle it, and she won't even notice the difference!
Cid: (rolls his eyes) Hoo boy. We're trustin' all our plans to some %#& stuffed cat...what has our already #$$# up planet come to now?
Cait Sith: Relax. I'll get the job done, and it'll be over before any of ya know it!
Meanwhile in the main room of the Highwind, Vincent is as usual standing alone near a control panel deep within his thoughts. It is then that (oh someone please help him) Yuffie strolls into the room and sees him standing there. After being rejected by Cloud, she decides on the spur of the moment (as always) to try going after Vincent (a bad plan by the way).
Yuffie (a.k.a. the kleptomaniac): Hey Vincent! What are you doing there all by yourself?
Yuffie: Well? I'm not going to just stand here and have that awkward silence occur! Come on Vince, tell me something about what its like being a Turk!
Vincent: (trying to ignore her) ...
Yuffie: Oh come ON Vince! Hojo got your tongue?
Vincent: (very VERY annoyed especially since she mentioned Hojo) Please do not refer to me as 'Vince'.
Yuffie: Yikes sorry! I was just trying to make conversation!
After another silence occurs, Yuffie gets one of her bright ideas to try and steal Vincent's materia like she does everyone else's. Quickly she runs past him and swipes a fire materia, which Vincent is fully aware of. Instead of chasing her to get it back, he continues to ponder to himself because he has another plan in store as revenge...
Yuffie: Man is he stupid! Ha! That adds to my stolen goods collection consisting of Cid's Venus Gospel and all of Barret's materia! I wonder where everyone else went...
The next evening, everyone is preparing for their descent by parachute into Midgar. Cait Sith successfully messes up Yuffie's parachute, however a problem ensues – Vincent decides to go and get his parachute a little earlier out of eagerness to get to Midgar so he can kick Hojo's ass for messing up his life (as well as so that he can extract his revenge on Yuffie). After walking into a storage space housing the parachutes, he notices a parachute already set out and takes it without knowing it was the same parachute Cait Sith screwed up. After leaving, Yuffie does her thing of popping up out of nowhere and takes one of the good parachutes before following after Vincent.
In a final secret confrontation meeting, everyone except Vincent and Yuffie meet in the boardroom to finalize the plan, unaware that Vincent was actually the first one to the storage room before the kleptomaniac Yuffie.
Cloud: Ok everyone, its show time! Yuffie's going to become little more than a splatter mark on the ground after this parachuting thing is over!
Cait Sith: Exactly! I've purposely laid out Yuffie's parachute so when she walks into the storage room, and knowing her before the rest of us so she can take some stuff, that will be the first thing she takes!
Red XIII: I hate to say it, but I'm sort of looking forward to seeing this...
Tifa: So you hate Yuffie, we knew you did all along.
Cid: Why the $%$#& are we standin' here then? I WANT MY VENUS GOSPEL BACK!!!! The sooner that $%%&%&$&$ Yuffie dies, the better.
Cloud: We need to get our parachutes ready quickly if you want to see the show. I think we should let Yuffie jump first so we can watch. Let's mosey!
Cid: Why the #$& can't you say somethin' besides 'mosey' Cloud? Say let's 'move out' or let's 'go' but mosey??!
Everyone leaves to the storage room to get their parachutes, and noticing the messed up parachute is gone they assume Yuffie already went and took it like expected. Finally when ready, they depart to the deck of the Highwind where to their surprise they find Vincent waiting with Yuffie. Of course, no one expects Vincent of accidentally taking the malfunctioning parachute...
Yuffie: Hey Cloud! Where have you guys been? I've been waiting here forever with Mr. Anti-social Turk over there.
Cloud: (shifty eyes) We've been around, but now we're ready.
Barret: Oh we're ready all right. There ain't no getting of this train we on!
Tifa: Well said Barret!
Cid: $#&& this talkin' shit, let's just get this over with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Yeah, we should do that. Hey Yuffie, if you want you can jump first so when you land you can check the area for Shinra troops...
Yuffie: No problem! Of course only someone like me could do that!!!!
Barret: (with a typical Barret hinting kind of smile) Of course Yuffie...
Yuffie then jumps off the plane while everyone else leans over the rail of the Highwind's deck to watch, however much to their horror Yuffie pulls her parachute successfully and doesn't fall to her doom but instead begins her descent gracefully to the ground.
Barret: The hell?
Tifa: I thought you messed up the parachute Cait Sith!!!
Cait Sith: I did!!! I don't know what went wrong, it was supposed to shred to a million pieces the second she pulled the string to release it! Unless...
Then to their further horror, everyone turns to Vincent, and before they can stop him he leaps off the Highwind in a single bound and begins to fly down to Midgar below – unaware at that moment of his parachute problems.
Barret: Oh shit!!!!!!
Tifa: What are we going to do now?!?
Red XIII: (speechless)
Knowing there is nothing they can do, they helplessly watch Vincent plummet to the ground. Still unaware, Vincent pulls the chord of his parachute and sees it release above him – and in response material flies everywhere leaving the parachute virtually shredded apart with only the strings attached. In utter surprise and seeing Yuffie floating below him, Vincent desperately reaches his limit break and transforms into Chaos in hopes his ability to fly as Satan will save his life. Even though dead, he doesn't feel like dying all over again. All the rage boiling inside him unleashes as Chaos, and since the only one around is Yuffie whom he hates anyway, he flies down toward her below and begins a mad rampage of hacking her to pieces.
Above, Cloud and the others watch in utter disbelief their Turk friend finish off Yuffie and then land safely on the ground before transforming back into his normal form. It seems their plan did work because Yuffie met an unfortunate end, however not quite as they expected...
Vincent meanwhile, is completely baffled and angry by what just happened. His plan was to kill Yuffie after finishing off Hojo first, and he did not expect his parachuting experience to turn into a huge fiasco between life and death. Even so, Yuffie is dead and there will be no more FFVII fans writing horrible 'Yuffietines' with a pairing between him and Yuffie.
That my friend, is how Yuffie meets her end. A horrible end by the claws of Chaos, but yet satisfactory nonetheless. After Yuffie's death, the game proceeds as planned, with an additional secret party in celebration of no more kleptomaniac ninjas stealing materia. Cid is overjoyed after getting his Venus Gospel and grooms it very intimately, causing Shera to become very jealous. Tifa ends up getting Cloud as her new husband on the condition that Tifa does not pole dance.