By Den Scurman

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor the original idea. I just write about them and watch them whenever I get the chance. This is based on Ranma ½ created by Rumiko Takahashi and co. Please don't sue me. I'm just a fan (not a fanboy).

Also, feel free to post my work, but only with my permission. Just email me and I'll respond. I'd like to know where my story goes.

Word Bank:

Ranma-chan: female Ranma

P Genma: Genma in Panda form his signs

C Shampoo: Shampoo cat form

D Mousse: Mousse in duck form

'…': denotes thinking

Sound Effect!!!

(B-D) : Scene Change!

Final Judgment; Happosai

Mourning in Nermia. Beautiful colors filled the sky as the sun climbed over the horizon. The birds fly across the clouds as they head toward the nearest rooftop. The neighbors slept blissfully and peace reigned supreme. And then, suddenly, the neighborhood alarm clock sounded.

"Ranma you JERK!"

KA-POW!!!

In a house down the street…

"Ah, 6:30 exactly," said the mother. "Ever since that boy moved into the Tendo dojo, I haven't missed waking up a morning since. Well, time to wake the kids…."

Meanwhile, back at the Tendo dojo, Ranma finished going through the wall. Akane stood there, fist shaking slightly as she released yet another dose of anger.

"That jerk," mumbled Akane, "Insulting me as soon as I wake him up to ask him if he wanted to jog with us this morning. What a jerk!"

She turned around and started to walk away when she heard a yawn. She glanced at Genma to see him fighting his return to the world of the living. She sighed and left to go to the bathroom. As she made her exit Ranma 'returned' to his bedroll. As he landed he noticed that Akane was gone. He rubbed his chin where the undodgable fist of fury connected.

"Geez, why'd she hit me for this time?" mumbled Ranma. "So I was having a nightmare of Kodachi and the ghoul…shudder. As if that wasn't bad enough…"

"Morning, Ranma," greeted Genma. "Ready for our morning workout?"

Ranma simply looked at his father before he replied. "Yeah, sure, pops, just wait for me to heal this up, first…"

"Alright. I'll be waiting by the pond."

(B-D)

Ranma-chan sat on the porch drying herself after breakfast as Akane walked up behind him. Soun and Genma were playing shogi and Nabiki was out with her friends. Akane sat down next to Ranma-chan as she finished drying herself off and set the famous kettle next to her. Ranma-chan noticed her.

"Hey, Akane, what's goin' on?" asked Ranma-chan.

"I don't know," replied Akane. "I'm sorta worried."

"Worried? About what?"

"When was the last time Shampoo or Kuno caused us any trouble?"

"Hmm…now that you mention it, it has been pretty quiet since Thursday. It's Saturday now…."

"I know. It's weird." Akane glanced at birds flying by. "You know, I barely remember the last time we had some peace and quiet around here."

"I know. I haven't had any of that since we got off of Toma's island."

Akane looked Ranma in the eyes as he stared out into space. "Ranma?"

Ranma-chan looked at Akane. "Yes, Akane?"

"Why did you…?"

rumble

"Whoa," said Ranma-chan, "did you hear that?"

"Huh? Hear what?"

"I heard something like an explosion or something."

"I didn't…."

"Hello, Akane."

Akane looked behind her to see Kasumi standing there with a plate of cookies. "Oh, hi Kasumi. What's going on?"

"It looks like something happened near the Cat Café…." replied Kasumi.

"Huh?"

"She's right," said Ranma-chan. "Look."

She pointed toward a column of smoke in the direction of the Cat Café.

"Wow!" exclaimed Akane. "What's going on over there?"

"I don't know," replied Ranma-chan, "but I think we better go and find out."

"I see," glared Akane. "So you care about Shampoo that much, eh?"

"But…" she started, but fortunately Kasumi interrupted her.

"Ranma, don't you want to change back before you go?"

"Oh yeah, thanks."

Ranma-chan poured the water on herself, and he and Akane started off for the Cat Café. They were three blocks away from the Café when they saw Cologne in a battle stance Her hair was blocking their view of everything else in front of her.

"Oh, man," said Ranma. "I feel sorry for the guy who ticked her off. You rarely get to see the old ghoul that mad."

"You're right," answered Akane. "Let's get a better view."

"Good idea."

As they leapt onto a nearby rooftop they saw the whole picture. Burn marks on homes, on the street, and on so many people lying unconscious all over the place. Cologne calmed down and let her hair fall.

"Now look what he made me do…" she commented.

Ranma and Akane jumped off the roof and approached her.

"Whoa, what happened?" asked Ranma.

"He did it. After repeated attempts he actually did it…" whispered Cologne.

"He? Who's he?" asked Ranma.

"The only one who could enter my home and steal the under-garments of mine and my granddaughter…"

"You mean grandfather Happosai?" said a shocked Akane.

"Indeed. I found him in our bedroom and I attacked him. He threw his bomb and I knocked it away. When I saw him leap out of the window and I followed. I landed here only to find the bomb I knocked away earlier at my feet. It exploded. His bomb is what caused this damage."

"Whoa," said an awed Ranma. "I wonder if it had anything to do with…"

Suddenly Ukyo appears next to Ranma, surprising everyone present.

"I see it looks like he struck here, too…" commented Ukyo.

"AAHH!" yelled Ranma.

"What?" asked Akane. "Happosai got to you, too?"

"Yeah he did. I caught him on his way out, but he dropped a bomb at the door. It didn't do too much damage, but now I have to fix the door so I can close up. I heard an explosion in this direction and came to check it out…but I guess I'm too late."

"Well, he hit here, too," informed Akane.

"Wow, moving up to the big leagues, isn't he?" deadpanned Ukyo.

"I was thinking the same thing," said Ranma. "Well, I guess we can't do anything here. Let's go home, Akane."

"Um, sure."

Cologne sighed. "Well, I guess Mousse is going to have his hands full for a while…"

"Oh well," said Ukyo as she turned to leave, "at least I wasn't the only one."

At the Tendo home, Ranma and Akane returned. They sat down at the table as Kasumi joined them. Soun and Genma were in their traditional places playing Go.

"Was everything alright at the Cat Café, Ranma?" asked Kasumi.

"Not really," replied Ranma. "Something…"

"Woo-hoo!!!" yelled a perverted voice as it passed by Soun and Genma.

"Oh, I see," said Kasumi.

"Man, I hate that freak. Now he's even stealing from Ucchan and the ghoul."

"But why would he start going after them now? He never really bothered them that much before," said Akane. "Why would he be after them now?"

Kasumi watched as Ranma shrugged and went to the dojo. Akane looked after Ranma for a second, and then went to her room. Kasumi went to the kitchen as always and remembered that morning.

(B-D)

That morning…

Breakfast at the Tendos was always a war zone. Ranma vs. Genma vs. Happosai. For some strange reason, Ranma didn't feel like fighting his dad and his master this morning. He was unusually silent and tired. Sure he had his morning workout with his dad, but this was quiet even for him. Akane knew as she thought this that something was very wrong. It seemed like Happosai noticed as well, and decided to take advantage. After finishing off Genma's pickles, he went for Ranma's rice bowl. He saw it coming.

"Don't you dare, old man," said Ranma as he blocked.

"What's gonna stop me?" replied Happosai with another jab to the bowl.

"You come after me and I'll sic Cologne after you." Another block.

"Yeah right. I'm not afraid of her." A chunk of rice disappears.

"Uh huh, right. Every time I see you and her near each other I always see you getting' beat." Blocks the attack of his pickles.

"Heh, so that's what you think of your master, eh?" The food attack stopped. At this point Soun and Genma were watching this in near palpable fear. "You'll see soon enough, ma' boy. You'll see."

Happosai calmly stood and left the table and went to his room, leaving everyone, even Nabiki, silent. As always, Kasumi broke the tension.

"Oh yes, that reminds me. Ranma, I need you to take this book back to Dr. Tofu for me. Could you do that for me?"

"Uh, yea, sure."

And life resumed.

(B-D)

Back in the present, Ranma was in the dojo meditating. 'Could that be the reason why Happosai suddenly extended his terror to Ukyo and the ghoul? So now they can find a way to pin this whole mess on me now. Great, but what can I do about this? Geez, now I'm startin' to sound like Nabiki. Well, what am I supposed to do? Ucchan and Shampoo are going to be busy repairing their restaurants. So is Mousse. I can't even think that Ryoga would be around to…Wha? Somone's at the door?'

"Come in."

The door slid open to reveal the second-to-last person he was expecting to see that day.

"Where's Furinkan High School? Huh?"

"Well if it ain't Ryoga. I was just thinkin' about you."

"I see. Thinking about what you're gonna do after I'm done with you?"

"No, I was thinking about something else."

Ryoga noticed that Ranma had a pensive look on his face. He also realized that this was a bit strange for him to still be talking to Ranma instead of yelling after all this time. Seeing as that now may not be the time to fight…

"Seems like today may be your lucky day, Ranma."

"Hmm, so you're not goin' ta' fight me today?"

"Well, seeing as we're still talking, I started thinking…"

"You're thinking?"

"Don't start with me!"

"What? I didn't say nuthin'."

"You know full well what you said."

"I did not. Come on, P-Chan, why so mad?" teased Ranma as he stuck out his tongue.

What started out as an unusual display of self-discipline and common sense ended up in the normal free-for-all battle causing Ryoga to be thrown into the pond just as Akane came out to see what the noise was about. Seeing her P-Chan coming out of the water she went into automatic: yell at Ranma, get P-Chan, reach into an unknown dimension to retrieve the Near-Undodgable Hammer of Clobbering™, hit Ranma, return the hammer, regain coherent thought.

"Oh P-Chan," cried Akane, "it's been so long. Where do you keep going all the time?"

"Bwee, bwee bwee bw-ee," replied P-Chan.

"Oh P-Chan. Why does Ranma keep picking on you…?"

(B-D)

LEO. Low Earth Orbit. If frequent flier miles were given for Akane Airlines, Ranma wouldn't have to worry about money to get back to China and find that spring. Even though he doesn't go where he wants to go after achieving LEO, he does go to some interesting places. After the first minute of airtime, Ranma regained consciousness. After another ten seconds he figured out where he was. Furinkan to the right, Ucchan's is behind him, but he had no idea where he was going. Suddenly he flew through a black cloud, blinding him for just a moment. When he regained his eyesight, the ground was about four feet below. Apply any landing sound effect here. As Ranma rose from the ground, he noticed someone staring at him.

"Oh my, a gift from the heavens," said the female voice. At this point Ranma started to sweat. "Finally you've come to me, Ranma darling, and in my greatest time of need, as well."

"Ko…Kodachi?"

Kodachi, clad in her traditional kimono, immediately latched onto Ranma and started to cry. "Oh Ranma darling, I need you!"

"Um, uh…uuhhhh…" stuttered Ranma.

"Some evil creature came and robbed some of my priceless items."

This helped Ranma regain his train of thought. "What?" asked Ranma as he gently pushed Kodachi at about arm's length from him. "What was stolen?"

"Oh, it was horrible, darling. It came into my room as I was tidying up and he ransacked it…"

"Why didn't you do anything?"

"I would've, but it was so fast I could barely see it. Fortunately my hidden camera caught him on tape."

"Good. Let's see what's on that tape," said Ranma.

"Very well, my dear Ranma," replied a smiling Kodachi. "Just follow me and I'll show you everything."

"Okay… what was stolen, anyway?"

"Oh, I couldn't tell you. It would be very unladylike to say such things before a gentleman."

"Oh," said Ranma as he got a disgusted look on his face. "I think I know who the thief is already…"

"Hmmm, perhaps it would be best if we went to my room to make sure who the perpetrator is," she said with a seductive smile.

"Um, sure," replied the totally clueless Ranma.

As he followed Kodachi to her room, Ranma started to wonder what he was getting into. Here he was, at the Kuno's residence, and he's just walking around as if everything was normal. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong here. Meanwhile, Kodachi was in a state of pure bliss. Here was her love, literally a gift from the gods, following her to her very own room. The only thing that was left to do was…

"Ok, so where's the tape?"

Kodachi snapped out of her scheming, er, revelry as Ranma reminded her about her "priceless items" stolen from her. "Oh…yes…here it is." She picked up a remote control and started to push a few buttons. A wall rotated to reveal wall of T.V. screens, showing picture of every room and hall in the house. Needless to say, Ranma's jaw hit the floor.

"What the?!"

She presses another button to reveal a full bookshelf of various tapes, DVDs, and the like. "What would you like to see, Ranma darling?" asks Kodachi in a low, seducing voice.

"Um, I th-tho…um…." Kodachi starts to move closer and closer to him as he tries to get his words out. "Uh oh."

"Ranma darling," purred Kodachi as she started to trace her finger up Ranma's chest.

" Th-the…t-t-tape?"

"Oh, you naughty boy."

"Th-thief?"

Again, Kodachi is reminded about her stolen items. Suddenly, she started to think. 'Should I seduce him now, or find my precious?' She slowly began to inch away from Ranma. For every inch of space gained allowed Ranma's train of thought to slowly begin to return to its rail until she was about two feet from him. "Perhaps another time, my darling, but first, some help." Ranma gave a sigh of relief as Kodachi got down to business. "Here's the tape of when I was so brutally attacked by the troll."

As she played the tape, all that could be seen was a blur jumping from place to place in her room. Ranma couldn't really make out the face, but the shot hops, the speed, and expert-like technique of the way the thief moved. Not to mention the audio revealing the thief's laugh. Ranma knew for sure. He had struck again.

"That's the freak alright. I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

"Who is this freak?"

"He's a short, old freak of nature that…"

"You don't mean your grandfather, do you?"

Ranma glanced at her for a second. Then he realized that the only time she'd ever seen Happosai was when he wasn't stealing panties and the like. "It's a long story." Suddenly, a rare bright idea found its into his head. "Want to hear it on the way to my place?"

As if there was any possible way for Kodachi Kuno to refuse.

(B-D)

As Ranma and Kodachi arrived at the dojo, Ranma finished the shortened version of the story of him and the freak of nature. Kodachi was shocked.

"I had no idea you lived in such Hell," gasped Kodachi. "As if those other harlots were not enough?"

"Hey, stop that!" exclaimed Ranma.

"Well, in any case, he must be stopped," said Kodachi as an evil grin appeared on her face, "and I think I know how."

"You have a plan? It doesn't involve poison or killing, does it?"

"It all depends on how permanently you want him gone, darling."

Ranma winced. "I don't want him dead, if that's what you mean."

And then it came "Hohohohohohohohoho!" Ranma's heart almost fled in terror. "Oh no, my dear Ranma. I wouldn't do anything so crude. But, if what you tell me is true, then what if you can set him up to fight someone who can stop his 'evil' ways as part of the victory agreement, then he would stop, won't he?"

Ranma looked at her. Then he laughed. "Oh yeah, right! Like there's anyone who could beat him out of panty stealing. The only thing that can stop him is to kill him or marry him off…to…someone…….hmmm."

"What is it, Ranma darling?"

"As much as I hate plotting against people instead of fighting them…this just might work."

"What is it?"

"I can at least get one of them out of my hair!" exclaims Ranma as he stands up laughing hysterically. At this point Kodachi begins to worry about her beloved.

"Umm, Ranma, darling? Are you ok?"

Ranma looked at Kodachi with glowing eyes and full battle aura lighting the entire dojo. Kodachi, for once, was speechless. Ranma answered her in a low, deep, almost sinister voice. "Yeeeesssss. I've never been better. I've just come up with a way to either get the freak or the ghoul out of my life forever. And if things work out, they'll both be gone. Mhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!"

"R-Ranma d-d-darling….yo-you're frightening me."

"The unstoppable freak of nature vs. the 3000 year old Chinese Amazon ghoul in a fight to the finish! Why didn't I think of that earlier? We just get them to fight. If the ghoul wins, the freak stops his perverted ways. If the freak wins, the ghoul will have to marry him and they both move back to China. Hopefully taking Shampoo with them. Hahahahahaha! It's perfect! There's no way this can fail! Let's do it, Kodachi." He took her hand in dramatic pose. "With you by my side we can do this."

"Do what, Ranma?" questioned a voice from the door.

Ranma didn't even have to see who the source of that question was. The battle aura went out in a puff of smoke while a nervous sweat bead dared to form on his head. As his head turned to face the voice, his neck made a popping sound with each degree of the turn. Kodachi was just looking at the voice with an impassive expression on her face, although Ranma's was a completely different story. Ranma's eyes finally met with Akane's burning eyes. "Um, Akane!…hi?"

Akane glowered at Ranma dubiously, thinking of what to put on his tombstone. "And just what was it that you were going to do with her?"

"Um, wait, it's not what you think? Let me explain!"

LEO. Again Ranma saw the Tendo residence from a bird's point of view. Back in the dojo, however, a long awaited rematch was about to begin.

"And what are you doing here, Kodachi?" glared Akane.

"I am here by personal request of my beloved to help him with his problem," replied Kodachi as she narrowed her eyes, "although I guess I can kill two birds with one stone."

Kodachi pulled off her trademark costume change. Akane face-faults. Kodachi's kimono was then instantly caught by a ribbon and snatched back to Kodachi. She was then on her knees, sobbing. Akane was, at the moment, stunned.

"Wh-what the?" was the only thing that can escape Akane's mouth. After a few seconds, her next question was able to escape. "What happened to your leotard?"

Kodachi glared at Akane, then replied. "I didn't want anyone else to know…it…it was stolen from me."

At last, Akane realized why Kodachi was here. "So you asked Ranma to help you find the one who stole it?"

"As if it were any of your business, but yes. Ranma had finally come up with a plan before you…" she glowered at Akane, "if you have harmed my beloved…"

"Quack."

"Huh?"

Akane and Kodachi looked at the door to see a white duck at the door. Behind the duck was a short, cute, redheaded girl. Both the girl and the duck were soaking wet.

"Look who I found in mid-air," mused Ranma-chan.

Kodachi recognized them both. "YOU!"

"Quack!" retorted D-Mousse.

"Oh, Kodachi!" exclaimed Ranma-chan as she now realized what's going on.

"I can see I'm outnumbered," said Kodachi, "but no matter. I'll beat you both to a pulp."

"Wait! I don't want dodge to fight!" dodge

"Come back here, you red-headed witch!"

As all chaos was about to ensue, a wave of calm, niceness, understanding, springtime fresh, caring, and just plain goodness swept the room in a simple phrase spoken by the only person alive that can stop any type of chaos. "Hello. Would you all like some tea?"

(B-D)

"And so if we can get the freak and the ghoul to fight," explained Ranma-chan, "chances are the freak'll lose and he'll have no choice but to stop."

"I still can't believe you came up with this plan, Ranma," said Mousse, "but it sounds as good a plan as any right now."

"So that's what you were talking about," said Akane as she sipped her tea.

"Yeah. I would've told you sooner if you hadn't clobbered me."

"Hey!"

"More tea, anyone?"

"Yes, Kasumi," answered Kodachi, "thank you."

"I'll have some too," replied Akane.

"I must say, I'm so glad you stopped fighting and are finally talking," said Kasumi.

"Yeah, so am I," replied Ranma-chan as she glanced at Kodachi.

Kodachi started to wonder exactly how they did stop fighting earlier, but soon disregarded it to focus on the current situation. "So now that we have this planned out, how do we get the two of them to fight each other?"

Mousse push his glasses closer to his face. "All we have to do is ask the mummy to fight him and she'll be all too happy to oblige."

"So all that leaves is the freak," mumbled Ranma-chan.

"Why don't you and Kodachi convince grandfather to fight while Mousse and Akane talk to Cologne?" Everybody in the room looked at Kasumi with puzzled looks. "Ranma knows how to talk to grandfather, and Mousse knows what to tell Cologne. Kodachi can help convince grandfather Happosai and with Akane being there with Mousse, Cologne will know that you're not trying to set her up. Oh my, I'm sorry. I forgot the tea." Kasumi quickly disappears into the kitchen, leaving everybody in a post-pratfall state.

'I'd better not underestimate that woman,' thought Kodachi.

"I never thought I'd say this," said Mousse, "but I have to agree with your sister, Akane."

"She's got a point…" said Ranma-chan under her breath.

Akane couldn't find any argument to switch places with Kodachi, and soon resigned to her fate. Kodachi also had a futile time finding a reason to avoid being paired up with the red-haired harlot.

"Well," said Mousse as he stood, "what are we waiting for?"

Akane stood slowly. "Ok," replied a defeated Akane, "let's go."

Ranma-chan watched as Mousse and Akane left the house, concerned not only for Akane, but for herself as well. A sudden chill came over her as Kodachi spoke to her.

"Well, do you know where Happosai is?"

"Um, yeah. He should be around here somewhere. Follow me."

At that Ranma-chan and Kodachi left for Happy's room. Kasumi peeked out of the kitchen to see that nobody was there anymore. She cleaned up the table, and then made a phone call.

"Hello, Mihoshi? It's Kasumi. You were right. You're little trick does work in mid-combat."

(B-D)

What an unusual couple they make. Walking side by side the way they are. Mousse. Akane. Two people with almost nothing in common save three things. Ranma. Happosai. Cologne. Why else would they be together? Ok, maybe not together, but they were at least focused on the same mission. To stop Happosai once and for….

"Well, this is interesting," said a voice behind Mousse and Akane. As they turn to meet the voice, they meet the cutest one of all.

"Ukyo!" exclaimed Akane.

"I wonder what Ranma's gonna think about this," she said with a smirk.

"We're not a couple," burned Mousse.

"Heh, I was just kidding, silly," said Ukyo.

"Please don't joke like that," said Akane. "It's not funny."

"Yes it is," smirked Ukyo. "But anyway, I just have to know. What are you two doing together, anyway? Are you looking for Ranchan and Shampoo?"

"No," replied Akane. At that moment she caught a glance and a smirk from Mousse. Then it hit her. "Hey, Ukyo, what are you doing right now?"

"Me?" asked a slightly suspicious Ukyo. "Just a little shopping, that's all. Why?"

"How would you like to help us get back at Happosai?" asked Mousse.

Ukyo's eyes narrowed. "When? And Where?"

(B-D)

"You two must've finally flipped. What makes you think I'll fight anyone for my collection?"

"It's simple," said a simmering Ranma-chan, "You fight someone that we pick for you. If you win, we won't bother you and your collection again. If you lose, you lose your collection and stop stealing underwear forever.

"So what's in it for me?"

"I told you already, you old freak. We won't ever try to stop you from stealing again."

"But that's no fun. You're gonna have to come up with something better than that for me to give up even one of my bras."

"Why you…!" Ranma-chan tried to punch Happosai on the head, but Happy blocked and flipped him into LEO.

"Amateur."

"I believe I may something that you'll agree to, Happosai," said Kodachi.

"Hmm, tell me and I'll think about it."

(B-D)

"Hello, I'm home!"

"Oh, welcome home, Nabiki."

"It seems kinda quiet around here, Kasumi. I didn't miss anything, did I?"

"No, not much."

POW!

"Unng."

"Not much, huh?"

"Welcome back, Ranma."

"Stupid old freak. I'll get him!"

"WHOOOO HOOOO!!!!!" Happy happily hopped past the three ladies at the door. "I gotta go practice for my death match next week! See you later, girls!"

"Um," answered Nabiki.

"Have a nice day, Grandfather."

"What the heck?" wondered Ranma-chan.

Wind blew and a tumbleweed passed the three young ladies at the door of the Tendo residence. Enter Kodachi.

"I knew he wouldn't be able to resist."

Nabiki looked at the fading Happosai, then at Kodachi standing at their door. "Ok, I'm officially lost!" exclaimed Nabiki. She takes Kasumi by the hand and drags her to the family room. "Ok, Kasumi. You're telling me everything."

"What did you tell him?" asked Ranma-chan,

"I just made him an offer he couldn't refuse. Given your history, I didn't think you'd mind."

Ranma-chan's face went frighteningly pale.

(B-D)

"You want me to do WHAT?"

"You have to avenge not only yourself, but Ukyo and the rest of the world as well," explained Mousse. "Ranma's tried many times and failed. You're the only one who stands a chance."

"Not only that," added Ukyo, "but it's also the only way to get any of our stuff back from him."

"And you won't have to worry about him trying to steal Shampoo, either," inserted Akane. "I know you remember what happened at the beach last summer.

"Indeed," replied Cologne.

"Shampoo all for it. Kill pervert troll and Ranma be grateful to us. Then he marry Shampoo and we be happy!"

"Um," started Ukyo.

"At any rate," said Akane, trying to resist the urge to argue with Shampoo, "when you beat him, his reign of terror will be over. He'll never steal again. Besides, you know you want to get back at him for what he did to your village, right?"

'These children are finally starting to think like adults instead of charging head on into the problem,' thought Cologne. 'And I have been waiting patiently for a real battle with him.'

Suddenly the door slammed opened.

"Where's the Tendo…doj…what the?"

"R-Ryoga?" exclaimed Akane.

Ryoga scanned the room to see Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, Mousse, and Cologne sitting in the middle table of an empty Cat Café. "What's going on here?"

"You came just in time, Ryoga," said Cologne. "Take a seat." Ryoga entered the Cat Café and sat with the group, wondering just what is going on. Cologne glanced over the youths before her before she answered. "I accept your challenge, children." Ryoga stood up quickly.

"W-w-w-wait a minute, we're not fighting her, are we?"

"Sit down, Ryoga," commanded Cologne. "I'm not fighting you." Ryoga, obviously relieved, sat back down again. "These are the terms. If I win, he either gives up stealing permanently or he dies, his choice. If I lose, I die."

Akane considered the extremity of the situation as Mousse spoke. "We accept. We'll let you know when to fight him."

"Very well," said Cologne. "I'll be in my room for a while befo…"

Suddenly they heard a scream in the far distance.

"Is it me or did that sound a lot like Ranma?" asked Ryoga.

"I only dreamed of hearing that scream," said Mousse. "Let's see what happened…huh?" Mousse and Ryoga looked around to see that the fiancées were gone. Cologne stood on the table, smiling.

"Guess you boys better hurry. Anything that can make son-in-law scream like that, the girls may need some help." Mousse and Ryoga nodded, and left for the Tendo's. After they were gone, "Although it did sound more like a scream of terror rather than one of pain. Hmm…"

(B-D)

Thirty seconds later, Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo ran into the Tendo home to be greeted by Kasumi.

"Kasumi, what…huff, huff, what happened?"

"Well, it happened kind of suddenly," started Kasumi.

"Ohohohohohohohohoh!!!!!!!!"

Kasumi quickly found that she was alone at the door. "He's so lucky to have such good friends….Oh, hello, Ryoga, Mousse. Everybody's upstairs."

"Thanks, Kasumi!" yelled Ryoga as he followed Mousse to Ranma's room. As they entered Ranma's room, Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyo were stunned stiff as they saw Kodachi explaining the situation to Soun and Genma as Ranma-chan lay pale and twitching on her futon.

"Like I told you already, Mr. Tendo," explained Kodachi, "I had to promise that red-head and that Okonomiaki girl to him as his personal toys for a month if he agreed."

"An offer he cannot refuse indeed," shuddered Soun.

"Whoa," mumbled Mousse.

"You did what?!" boiled Ukyo.

"Oh, there you are," said Kodachi. "I was going to tell you the good news when the time was right. Ohohoho…"SMACK! Ukyo's battle spatula connected with Kodachi's face as she flew into the wall. She slowly got up, battle aura flaming. "You'll pay for that, you hussy." She pulled out her steel ribbon and a spiked club. Shampoo was giggling the whole time.

"Don't see why you're laughing, Shampoo," grumbled Ranma-chan. "You're part of the deal, too."

"Aiya! Die, stupid flower girl!"

"Dinner!"

(B-D)

"So the fight will be this coming Tuesday, will it?" asked Soun.

"Yes sir," answered Mousse.

"I can't wait to see the old ghoul beat the stuffing outta the freak," said Ranma as he downed a bowl of riso soup.

"He'd better die," said Ukyo. "If he wins," glowers at Kodachi across from her, "she dies."

"And I thought we were a team, Ukyo dear. Ohohohoho."

"Will you please be quiet?" demanded Akane.

"Would anyone else like some more rice?"

"Yes, thanks, Kasumi," answered Genma.

"And if he loses, then we'll all be rid of him, right?" asked Soun.

"That's the plan, Mr. Tendo," replied Ranma.

"Ranma!" Akane eekked.

"Huh?"

SLAP!

"…"

"What'd you do that for?!" yelled Ranma.

"You know exactly what you did!" yelled Akane.

"Eeekk!!!!" screeched Ukyo. She glared at Ryoga.

"What?" asked a full-mouthed Ryoga as Ukyo reared back for a mega-slap.

"But you know there's no way I can be beaten."

"What the?"

"It's the freak!" yelled Ranma.

At that, Happosai appeared seated between Akane and Ukyo, eating his dinner.

"Ah, I can't wait till Tuesday," sighed Happosai. "I get to have you all to myself."

A collective shudder crawled across the room.

"We see about that, pervert man," yelled Shampoo. "Great-Grandmother is no easy fight. You lose for sure!"

"I ain't no joke, neither, sweetheart," replied Happosai. "I taught Ranma's dad, and then Ranma everything they know about martial arts. If Ranma can beat her, there's no way I can lose. But, just in case," his gaze locks on Ranma, "I'll need some energy."

"What the?" exclaimed Ranma. "What are you…na…NNOOOO!!!!!" Sploosh!

"What'd you do that for?" yelled Ranma-chan.

"Rannnnma!!!!" Happy now trying to become one with Ranma-chan's chest.

"AARRRHHHGGG!!!!!

"This happens every night?" asks Mousse.

"Just about," replied Nabiki as she finished her rice.

(B-D)

Looking at the stars have always have been his main source of comfort. Then again, he wasn't able to find too much comfort in them tonight.

'Man, tomorrow's the big fight between the freak and the ghoul. They were both here yesterday and told everybody no interference, meaning I can't do anything to help the ghoul. No matter what I try, they'll know. They're both too good to miss much. Stupid Kodachi. Why'd she have to make a deal like that, for? Trying to get all of her rivals to be his playthings if he wins. I'll never forgive her if he does win. Man, I can't believe that not just mine but the fate of the whole city depends on someone other than me. Man, this feels weird. Somebody else fighting for me, and I can't do a thing about it. So that's what it feels like…'

"Weird, isn't it?"

"Yeah, no kiddin'….what the?!" Ranma sprang to his feet to be faced by "Ucchan?"

"Hey, Ranchan. Just wanted to see how you were doing. Thinking about tomorrow?"

Ranma sat back down and Ukyo sits down next to him. "How can't I? Thanks to Kodachi we may be suffering for the next month." ::shudders::

"I know what you mean," replied Ukyo. "I wouldn't have offered to do it even if you asked me, but it's different to be chosen against my own will."

"Now you're starting to know how I feel," mumbled Ranma.

"Huh?"

"Wha…Nothin'."

"What are we going to do if Cologne loses tomorrow, Ranchan? I don't want him to…

"He's not goin' to do nothin'," growled Ranma. "I'm not gonna let him get his hands on me anymore. Not on you, not on nobody. Everybody always believes that I'd win a fight no matter the odds against me. Now we have to believe in someone else, but I can't. I had no idea it would get this serious."

"Ranchan," worried Ukyo.

"It's time for him to stop once and for all, Ucchan. I could've just let this go if it were just me, but you and Shampoo are in it, too. I can't let him ruin you or Shampoo."

"So me and Shampoo are on the same level with you?"

"You two are my friends. You know better than anyone that I never had many real friends. I'm not going to let you down, Ucchan. Even if it was Akane, I'd still have to stop him. I just have to find a loophole…"

"A loophole? Why not just ask Nabiki?"

"Already tried, Ucchan. They asked her to make the arrangements airtight. I can't do a thing."

"Ranchan…."

"If pervert man win, we must kill while he still weak."

"Sha….Shampoo?

"What are you doing here?"

"Shampoo no come here to fight. Shampoo in same boat as you."

"I guess you have a point," resigned Ukyo. 'So much for my personal moment with Ranchan.'

"But you know I don't bully the weak."

"Shampoo no say bully. Shampoo say we kill. If Great-Grandmother lose, we kill pervert man before he get better."

"I don't kill."

"Neither do I, but Ranchan, as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. It's either kill or be his sex toy or something." Ranma twitched. "If it were up to me, I'd rather kill than be defiled by him."

"Strong words, Ukyo," said a new, yet male voice.

"Mousse?" said Shampoo.

"Do you know what it's like to kill a person?" questioned Mousse.

"Do you know what it's like to be that freak's plaything?" countered Ranma.

Mousse flinched. "It's a tough call. I don't know if you two would really be able go through with killing Happosai, but I can't allow him to do anything to my beloved Shampoo. With or without your help, Ranma, Ukyo, I'll go with Shampoo and kill him if he defeats Cologne."

"Mousse," whispered Shampoo to herself.

"That won't be necessary, Mousse," said Ranma. "If anybody can beat the freak, it's the ghoul."

"You've fought them both, Ranchan. Who do you think'll win?"

"I don't know, Ucchan. They were both pullin' punches almost every time I fought them. I know full well that they have a bunch of tricks up their sleeves."

"At least he right about Great-Grandmother."

"True," agreed Mousse, "but does Happosai have any weaknesses?"

"Just his insatiable lust for young female bodies, bras, and panties," replied Ranma. "And I know that'll be the second-to-last thing she tries."

"Aiya, he really know Great-Grandmother good."

"Other than that, that's it. I don't know of any other weaknesses he may have."

"Wouldn't Mr. Tendo or Mr. Saotome know anything?" asked Ukyo.

"If they knew, I'd know by now."

"So, only thing left is kill pervert man right after he win….if he win."

"And after him, Kodachi," growled Ukyo.

"Hey, aren't we getting a bit vengeful and ahead of ourselves here?" asked Ranma, trying not to let this conversation go any further downhill. "If we have faith in the ghoul, she'll win. That's pretty much how it works, I guess." They look at Ranma. "Hey, it's always worked for me, right?"

"He has a point," mumbled Mousse.

"What you say?" asked Shampoo.

"Huh? Um, well, Ranma does have a point. How many times has Ranma lost a fight when everybody put their faith in him? Not once. Whenever it came down to it, Ranma never gave up." Mousse turns to Ukyo, kneels, and takes her hand. "Do you have as much faith in your grandmother as you do in Ranma, Shampoo?"

"I don't," replied Ukyo, "but you might want to try asking Shampoo that question, sugar."

Mousse lowered his glasses to reveal the person of Ukyo sitting before him. He looked around for his beloved, only to find a purplish aura behind him. "Yeesh…"

"Shampoo have more faith in cow then you, stupid!" yelled Shampoo as she delivered a left cross.

"Uh oh," said Ranma, "there goes the neighborhood."

15 seconds later…

"Ah, Shampoo feel much better now."

"Ouch, that has got to hurt," winced Ukyo.

"……yes…." wimpered Mousse.

"Ok…" said Ranma, trying to find a different topic to talk about other than the pain of Mousse.

"We'd better rest up for tomorrow," said Ukyo. "If things go bad, we may have to get down to business."

"Shampoo agree with Spatula girl. We go sleep now."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," agreed Ranma.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow," said Ukyo.

"Shampoo pray to gods tonight."

"Another good idea," said Ranma.

As Shampoo carried Mousse with her to the Cat Café and Ranma went inside, Ukyo remained on the Tendo rooftop, thinking. Meanwhile, in the top of the tree just above the pond…

"So, they're finally starting to their heads, now…" said a short shadow. "It's about time, don't you think?"

"Yeah," replied a second short shadow, "but I know they wouldn't kill me. They got too much of that moral fiber stuff."

"Much more than can be said about you, eh, Happy?"

"I'm so hurt," he replied sarcastically.

"But anyway, do not think that I'll be holding back tomorrow. I know you won't be, either."

"Of course not, my dear Cologne. This'll be the first real fight I've had in decades."

"Well, in that case, may the best martial artist win."

"Yes, the best will win."

Happosai and Cologne shake hands as they look into each other's eyes. After a few short seconds, theybroke the bond of hand and eye and went about their separate ways.

Back on the rooftop, Akane climbs up on the rooftop to find Ukyo lying there. Remembering the main event happening the next day, she decides to talk rather then argue with her.

"You feeling ok, Ukyo?"

"Huh, oh, hey Akane. I just can't sleep, that's all."

"Can't sleep, huh? So what are you doing here, then?" and the feeling to comfort her was short lived.

"I don't know. I remember Ranma telling me about how relaxing it was to sit up here, so I thought I'd give it a try."

"Oh…" as Akane could no longer find any words to say.

"With my womanhood at stake tomorrow, how can I relax?"

Akane sat next to Ukyo. "I wish I could help, but…"

"Don't worry about it…" replied Ukyo. "Just thank God that Kodachi didn't include you in this deal."

"Wow, you're actually talking?" said a familiar voice.

"Ranma?"

"I thought everybody went home already…so, um, I was coming up here to, ah, to meditate up here…yeah."

"Everybody?" asked Akane.

"Don't worry about it, sugar," said Ukyo. "It's been a rough night for everybody."

"Oh…"

Ranma sat down between and a bit behind the two girls and lay down to look at the stars. "I'm so glad it's not cloudy tonight."

"Yeah," said Ukyo.

Akane just watched for a second as Ukyo lay down near Ranma's legs to watch the sky. She felt a ping of anger or jealousy, she wasn't sure which, but put it aside considering the circumstances. Man, what an unusual show of self-control. :)

"You know," started Ranma. "It's an amazing thing about the stars. You can almost see what's going to happen the next day through them."

"Really?" asked Ukyo.

Akane, now interested in where Ranma was going with this, lay down on the other side of him to see what he was talking about. "How can they tell you what's going to happen?"

"I don't know how," replied Ranma, "but sometimes I can just tell."

"I can only see a bunch of stars," said Akane.

"Once you've spent enough nights staring at them, you start to understand them. It's kinda hard to explain."

"Try, honey," said Ukyo as she inched her way up to be head to head with Ranma.

"Hmmm, there's not really too much to say. It's more of an understanding you get after you look at the same thing over and over again for a few years. You just know."

"You are strange, you know that?" said Akane as she inched her way to lay even with Ranma.

"I really can't explain it. Really."

"It doesn't matter, Ranchan. What are they saying?"

"I'm looking. This has to be the most serious answer I've ever looked for from the stars……………nothing?"

Akane and Ukyo both glanced at Ranma. 'What's he trying to pull?' they both thought.

"Hold on a sec….what the?"

"What's wrong, Ranma?" asked Akane.

"The stars…" started Ranma. "They're going out."

"What?" exclaimed the girls as they looked harder at the sky. Sure enough, it did seem like the stars were going out, one by one.

"Ranchan? What's going on?"

"Yeah, I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh man. I remember this. Last time I saw this happen was…oh no."

"What?" demanded the girls as they sat up, noticing for the first time how close the other was to Ranma. He sat up as well with a little sweat on his forehead.

"Last time I saw this was the night before we went to Josenkyo…the night before I was cursed." Ukyo and Akane glanced at each other worriedly. "I know nobody's getting cursed tomorrow, so what does it mean?"

"Could it mean that even the gods don't know who's going to win tomorrow?" asked Akane.

"Or does it mean that Happosai is going to win?" worried Ukyo.

"I…don't know," replied Ranma nervously.

Ukyo started to shudder as tears began to fight their way out. "No," she whispered. "It can't be." Ranma and Akane looked at Ukyo as she began to break down.

"Ucchan…?"

Ukyo fully broke down crying as Ranma caught and held her. "I don't want him touching me…" she sobbed. Even Akane found that she couldn't get angry with her after hearing that.

Ranma glanced at Akane nervously, wondering if she was going to hit him, but was surprised and relieved to see her looking sad and concerned. He then went to comfort Ukyo as best he could as Akane watched Ukyo crying herself to sleep. She silently prayed that Happosai would lose horribly tomorrow.

(B-D)

Finally, the day had arrived. The day that the fate of the entire district of Nermia would be decided. The day that would change the face and make-up of the Ranmaverse as we know it. The day that Happosai and Cologne had waited for in both dread and anticipation. The day that Shampoo and Mousse may become murderers. The day where Ranma, Ukyo, and Shampoo may become the personal harem of Happosai. The day that could very well be Kodachi Kuno's last. A day that would forever live in infamy. Yes, finally, it was Tuesday.

The stage was set. Traveling to a plain outside of Nermia, the Tendos, Saotomes, Amazons, the Kuno siblings, Ryoga, Ukyo, and the combatants settled and prepared for the upcoming battle of the millennium. Ranma had a feeling that they weren't the only ones in the area, and upon closer inspection of the surrounding forest, he discovered eyes watching them…many, many pairs of eyes. He then realized that these eyes belonged to martial arts masters who had somehow heard about this fight and came to watch. And for good reason. A matriarch of the fabled Chinese Amazon tribe verses the self-proclaimed most evil martial artist in all of Japan, what self-respecting master would not want to watch. Ryoga looked up in the sky and noticed that even the clouds were vacating the area. If he had looked closer at what was causing the clouds to leave, he would've noticed a couple of distortions of light floating above them. (-: Cologne and Happosai simply kept to themselves, seeming to be focused solely on the upcoming battle.

"Well, Happy, it seems like you've invited a few friends to watch."

"I only told one of them. He must've spread the news. Heh, oh well. I'm sure my friends will remain spectators, too," as he glanced toward the sky.

"You're friends?"

"Um…"

"Are you an untouchable?"

Happosai was genuinely shocked. "How did you…?"

"So am I. I guess they want to see which of us is better, too."

"I have no idea how they heard. Anyway, are you ready?"

"Always."

"Good." She looked at Ranma and the others and announced, "This is to be a one-on-one battle. There are no limits and victory is won only by either knock out or death. Any outside interference will be met with lethal force. That means NO DISTRACTIONS FROM ANYBODY!" The Ranma cast nodded in agreement and a murmur of agreement from the forest, startling all but Ranma, Shampoo, and Ryoga. "I would suggest that you all move over to the edge of the plain so that Happosai and I may have an adequately sized fighting area."

With that, the Ranma crew relocated to the northeast edge of plain. The Kunos, or more accurately Sasuke, promptly set up a picnic for the Kunos. Ranma, Ryoga, Ukyo, and Akane stood watching the combatants very closely. Mousse and Shampoo watched closely as well, praying to their Amazon gods for Cologne's victory. The Tendos simply sat there, each praying for their master's demise. After a moment, they all noticed that there was no noise whatsoever from the forest as the two faced each other.

"Man, so this is what it feels like on the sideline," whispered Ranma.

"Remember, Ranma," said Akane. "Have faith in Cologne. You know she can do it."

"She'd better, sugar," replied Ukyo. "If not, things are gonna be pretty rough for the next month."

The winds started to blow, picturesque of a classic Kung Fu movie. The two just remained standing there, watching the other.

'This is the first time this century that I had a real fight on my hands,' thought Cologne. 'I know the lower limits of his skill, but how much better has he become since his escape?'

'This is the first time this century that I had a real fight on my hands,' thought Happosai. 'I know the lower limits of her skill, but how much better has she become since she got here?'

"You ready?" asked Cologne.

"Ready when you are," Happosai replied.

At that their battle auras began to glow. A field of blue surrounded Cologne as well as a blue one around Happosai. Satan glanced at Jesus, who then glanced at his Father, who nodded and gave the signal. Despite the clear sky, lightning struck the ground between them. They leapt at each other in classic ninja form. Freeze-frame as they passed each other in the air. As they landed, Happosai grinned.

"Not bad, Cologne."

She stood there, staff in her right hand and a bra in her left. "I don't fall for the same trick twice, Happy, but you seem to be slacking a bit."

"Eh?" Happosai then noticed that he couldn't feel the winds on his head. He put his hand there and felt cotton. He grabbed it and noticed that it was a pair of men's boxer shorts. Happy's face went blue for a second as he dropped the "toxic" shorts. "Ngah!"

"That's for the first time we sparred."

"Heh, you got me that time, but never again. You're going down, Cologne!"

Now the fight truly began. Everyone was amazed at the speed in which they moved. They almost seemed to disappear at one point, only to reappear somewhere else, punching and blocking. A few small tornados came and went as they moved. Very few of the spectators could actually follow all of their movements. Ranma, being the main character and all, was one of them, alas how barely. They moved almost as fast as Ranma could register their movements. Every attack they launched was at least twice the speed of his Chestnut Fist. After a few clashes all around the plain, they stopped to face each other once again. This time, however, they were both smiling. Ranma almost felt faint as realization hit.

"Oh man, this is nuts."

"What is it, Ranma?" asked Akane.

"Those two were holding back so much…I had no idea how good they were. And I still don't."

"What do you mean? I know they're fast, but…"

"No, Akane. They were just warming up."

Akane's face turned to shock as she saw Ranma tense suddenly. She looked back out to the field, only to have to hold her ground as a shockwave hit them. The sight was awesome. Both auras had flared to face each other. Ranma remembered the last time his dad tried to stand up to him like this, but Genma wasn't strong enough and Happosai was already weakened by the girl repellent patch to do anything. Here, both Happosai and Cologne were fresh, and now he was finally going to see what a true battle of battle auras was like. The Auras grew to about fifty feet in height and looked like demonic versions of themselves. They just stood there for a moment, and then lightning from their eyes came out and met, sending sparks flying everywhere. The lightning finally ceased as the auras grabbed hands in a classic battle of mercy. They were evenly matched. Suddenly, Cologne's aura disappeared. Happosai's aura looked around for it, then it disappeared as well. Looking at the bodies of the two combatants, Cologne was standing behind Happosai, her back facing his and her staff touching his left calf. They both stood there for a moment, and then Happosai fell.

"What skill!" exclaimed Soun. "While the master was distracted in his battle aura form, she went and attacked his body!"

"Not to mention the fifteen pressure point she hit as she ran by him," observed Dr. Tofu, startling everyone present. Nobody noticed him show up.

"Dr. Tofu!" noticed Akane.

"She hit those pressure points perfectly," continued Dr. Tofu. "An average martial artist would've been killed by that, while an exceptional one with any knowledge of pressure points would only be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of their lives."

"Man, remind me not to get the ghoul serious against me," Ranma replied wearily.

"No kidding," responded Ryoga.

Cologne looked back at Happosai's unmoving body, and then turned toward the crew. "It appears the Happosai can no longer battle," she announced.

"Under normal circumstances, that would be true," said a voice behind her, "but as you know, these are far from normal circumstances."

"Then again," continued Dr. Tofu, "a master would've known how to avoid being hit by them altogether…"

Cologne facefaulted as she turned to see Happosai standing next to her and his arm around her neck. She looked back at the unmoving body to see a plush ninja toy in its place.

"The master's Body-Switch technique!?" exclaimed Genma. "I thought he forgot that one!"

"Body-Switch technique?" wondered Ranma.

He didn't get to hear the explanation about it as they heard another clash in the field. All attention returned to the battle. Again they were moving at the speed of Dragonball when the first actual special attack was finally unleashed.

"FOUNDING SCHOOL OF ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS FINAL ATTACK, HAPPO FIRE BURST!!!"

Cologne dodged the bombs as they exploded in rapid succession all around her. Finally he caught her in the middle of a circle of bombs, and they exploded. As the dust cleared, there was only a crater. Happosai walked up to the crater, and picked up a piece of Cologne's robe.

::sniff:: "I didn't want to kill you, Cologne…"

A hand placed itself on his shoulder. He looked at the old wrinkled hand and nearly panicked. When he saw the owner of the hand, the camera switches to the spooky shot of Cologne with the ghost sperm balls thingies in the background. "I'm a lot harder to kill than that, HAPPY!"

"YYEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!! IT'S THE CRYPTKEEPER!!! THE CRYPTKEEPER!!!

POW! POW! POW!

"I'm not the Cryptkeeper, stupid!" as she pummeled Happosai with her cane via conditioned response.

Happosai soon regained his senses and began blocking her cane, but soon realized that blocking that cane was very painful. As he began to dodge, he started to notice something. Cologne was forcing him to dodge in circles. A spiral, to be exact. Happosai realized this and tried to jump away. Cologne saw this and modified the attack to hit him horizontally.

"CHINESE AMAZON CLAN FINAL ATTACK, REVISED! HIRU SHOTEN HA HORIZONTAL TORNADO BLAST!"

"No way!" exclaimed Ranma as the whirlwind chased Happosai for a few moments until it finally connected. Happosai went spinning around the edge of the tornado as Cologne jumped in the middle of it to maintain it. Ranma flashbacked to his fight with her during their ski trip just last winter. "Huh?"

"ANYTHING GOES SCHOOL OF MARTIAL ARTS ESCAPE TECHNIQUE! PANTY STORM!"

"What?" exclaimed Akane.

"No way!" yelled Ranma.

"You're kidding!" exclaimed Ryoga.

Suddenly the tornado was filled with lacy pink, blue, white, and yellow as panties filled the vacuum. Cologne, having never seen an effective counter for the Hiru Shoten Ha since she used it on Ranma, continued her attack. Then she noticed the tornado pulse red for a split-second. This was not lost on her, but couldn't react as Happosai, using the panties as springboards to maneuver through the tornado, tackled her out of the tornado. They landed hard with Happosai on top of Cologne. He sprung up and whirled his pipe, causing the panties to return to him.

"Aiya! Now I see why Ranma such tough fight for Amazons."

"I'm gonna have to remember that one," commented Ranma.

Wham!

"Don't even think about it, pervert," answered Akane as she replaced the Near-Undodgable Hammer of Clobbering™.

Happosai turned to face Cologne. She stood and regarded him. 'How in the world did he do that?' she thought. 'Oh, the panties…nothing less than expected from the master of my son-in-law.' And then to Happosai, "That was rather impressive, Happy, giving yourself footholds inside the tornado."

Happosai waved his hand dismissively. "Oh, it wasn't THAT hard. I knew it was coming sooner or later."

At this, she smirked. She knew that he gambled on that last maneuver. "Perhaps, but have you ever had to fight more than nine masters at once?" She began to concentrate. "CHINESE AMAZON MARTIARCH SPECIAL ATTACK! SPLITTING CATHAIRS!!!"

Happosai paled as he recognized her stance. He almost jumped her when she suddenly split in two. He watched helplessly as the two Colognes became four, than eight, than sixteen Colognes surrounding him. He glanced around, trying to figure out which one was the real Cologne. He was answered by a cane upside the head. "Oww! Hey!" The Colognes began to spin in a circle as Happosai was pummeled from all sides. He leapt outside of the circle, only to be surrounded again. After receiving several additional blows to the head, Happosai reached for her cane, only to get whacked again.

"Nice try, Happy, but you're going to have to do better than that.

"OK! OK! I'll take the offensive! FOUNDING SCHOOL OF ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS FINAL ATTACK, NOW YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T!" Happosai threw several smoke bombs to the ground, the classic ninja disappearing act.

"What the?!" exclaimed Soun and Genma.

"But he can't attack using that hiding technique," remembered Akane. "Right?" She got no answer from Ranma as he was fully focused on the smoke.

Ranma then noticed Happosai had leapt high into a tree, and then used the rebound to hurl himself over Cologne. He then proceeded with his air strike.

"FOUNDING SCHOOL OF ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS FINAL ATTACK, HAPPO NAPALM SPREAD!"

"You mean there's a stronger attack than the Happo Fire Burst?!" exclaimed the Saotomes and Soun Tendo in unison.

Happosai then began dropping actual napalm bombs on the field in classic Vietnam War movie style. The heat wave hit the Ranma cast hard, knocking everyone back a good many yards. Ukyo had somehow managed to land on Akane, who had landed on Ranma. Soun saved Kasumi as Ryoga had managed to catch Nabiki before she hit a tree. Mousse grabbed Shampoo before she could react and hid behind a nearby tree. Needless to say, the Kuno family picnic existed no more.

"Could you get off me, Ukyo? You're heavy."

"What?"

"You're both heavy…get off me…please?"

Akane and Ukyo both looked down at the now crushed Ranma. They got off and helped him up.

"Are you ok, Ranchan?"

"I am now, thanks…uh oh," as he saw them glance and nod at each other.

WHAP! POW! As Ranma was sandwiched by a giant spatula and a large mallet.

"That's for that heavy crack," they said in unison.

Nabiki rubbed her head in confusion. She should've been hurt from that tree. She looked back to find herself lying stomach to stomach with Ryoga. His eyes were closed.

"Oh Ryoga baby, thank you."

"…n-n-no…p-p-p-p-problem…heh heh heh heh…"

"You ok? Your nose is bleeding."

"I-I'll…b-be fine," he cracked.

At this point she stood up and noticed his hands crossed on his chest. Realization hit as to why he was so nervous with her on top of him. Nabiki made a quick gasp, and then grinned. She couldn't resist. She knelt next to Ryoga's now prone form and whispered in his ear. "So tell me, was it good for you?" She saw his other nostril begin to bleed as his body began to twitch. "Don't worry. You're secret's safe with me." And she stood up and checked on Kasumi.

Behind a nearby tree, Mousse was holding Shampoo very closely and tightly. She looked up at Mousse as they were face to face with each other.

"Are you ok, my love?"

"Yes Mousse…" she whispered.

"Thank goodness," Mousse replied.

Before Mousse could say anything else, Shampoo pulled herself away a bit and sucker punched him, causing him to double over.

"Shampoo could have found safety without stupid Mousse holding her." Then she knelt and lifted his chin with her hand. "But thank anyway." And she left him to recover.

Soon Akane and Ukyo dragged Ranma back to the viewing area where Shampoo and Mousse were.

"What happened?" asked Ukyo.

"Shampoo no know. Stupid Mousse grab Shampoo and no see what happen."

"Lucky you," said Akane. "We were thrown away by the shockwave."

Nabiki walked up to join them. "We weren't the only one caught by that blast. Look around us."

As they surveyed the area, there were dozens of people in various colored gi and outfits beginning to get up. Some were climbing tree as others simply sat behind bushes.

"So that's why I felt others around us," observed Ukyo.

"I can see why they'd want to see this fight," said Akane. "By the way, what the heck is Happosai doing with napalm bombs, anyway?" as she eyed her sister.

"I couldn't even start to tell you, sis."

"The smoke…" mumbled something.

The girls glanced at Ranma, still very groggy, but pointing toward the clearing. They turned their attention back to the battle, or what was left of it. The smoke was finally clearing. Those watching in the trees noticed last, but those on the ground saw Happosai standing in the middle of the field with small fires surrounding him. Nabiki quickly snapped another photograph (yes, she had been taking pictures this whole time) as the scene revealed itself. Happosai's eyes were glowing a darker red than his aura as he stared at something. As more smoke cleared, Cologne finally came to view, with her blue battle aura and darker glowing blue eyes. The smoke was now blocking most of the light from the sun, but the fires lit the field with a creepy orange tint. From an aerial point of view, one could actually see a wide line of fire going straight across the field, with only one break in the line. It would also seem that one of the bombs had missed its mark and fell about fifty feet from the fire path.

"How in the world?" gasped Akane.

"Shampoo tell you great-grandmother no easy fight," she said proudly.

After a few sore moments later, everyone had recovered and watched in horror/awe as they absorbed the scene. Mousse was the first to notice.

"People, I suggest we all back away, now."

"Why?" asked Genma.

Ranma now noticed as well. "Oh man, he's right. We gotta move."

"What's going on?" asked Ryoga.

"I think this fight's about to be over," Ranma replied.

"With a big bang even more powerful than those napalm bombs," finished Mousse.

Shampoo then recognized her grandmother's stance and her eyes went wide. "Grandmother…no…"

Soun also recognized the stance his master had taken, and his eyes also went wide. "It's already too late. There's no way we can outrun that blast."

Genma shuddered as he realized what Soun had meant. "You don't mean he's…?"

"Yes, Saotome."

"And Cologne?" asked Ryoga.

"I'm afraid so," answered Mousse.

"Mind filling us non-martial artists in, guys?" said Nabiki.

"They're both going to use their most powerful attacks this time," informed Ranma. "And considering what we've seen already, I doubt we'd be able to get away from whatever happens anyway."

"I don't care what you say! I'm outta here!" yelled a random tree branch as it produced a thin man in a green gi. He ran as soon as he hit the ground.

The cast watched the fleeing dust cloud, and then turned back to the battle.

"Tis indeed a dark day for us all if Happosai should indeed win this day, for not only would our only hope in the guise of this fabled Amazon be lost to us forever, but forever shall we reek his wrath." Everyone started as they heard this behind them, then sighed. It was Kuno, with Kodachi standing beside him. "And what then would my loves Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed goddess do in the wake of such evil? Fear not, for I shall strike now while…"

WHAM!

Kuno saw not the onslaught of the Near-Undodgable Hammer of Clobbering™, nor the Battle Spatula of Cookery +3, nor the Twin Bonbori of Pounding, nor the Stupidly Heavy Umbrella of Striking, nor the Spiking Club of the Rose +2, as this unusual assortment of weaponry fell upon his person…sorry, but this is why I don't like using Kuno in my stories. : )

"We don't need him messing things up now," grumbled Ranma.

"Although I was tempted to let him try and see what they did to him," mused Ryoga.

"Dude!" yelled Ranma. "How could you say that…although…NO! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy."

"Yeah," said Mousse. "Not against those two, at least."

Everyone present felt a tremor pass through them.

"Whoa!"

"What the?"

"Look!" pointed Shampoo.

Everyone turned their attention once again to the battle in the field. The smoke from the last attack was still blocking out the light from the sun, and the fires still lit the scene. Cologne glowed dark blue as she concentrated on her final attack. Happosai's battle aura was a dark mix of blue and red. The Ranma cast all watched apprehensively. All those who were still in the trees jumped out and found a safer spot to watch. The distortions in the air seemed to move slightly to either side of the plain. Satan finished his popcorn as Jesus took another swig from his 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, the nectar of the heavens. God Himself was sitting on edge of his throne and said, "This is gonna be good."

"It's been nice knowing you, Happy."

"Been a pleasure, Cologne."

"FOUNDING SCHOOL OF ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS FINAL ATTACKS COMBINED!!!"

"CHINESE AMAZON MATRIARCH ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE REVISED!!!"

Both combatants big-sweated as they finished calling out their attacks.

"Nothing left, Cologne?"

"As many as you have left, Happy."

They both sighed and continued concentrating. Everyone else pratfell.

"BEAN JAM PANTY STORM BLOWOUT!!!"

"HEAVEN'S DRAGON NAPALM BLAST!!!"

Two tornados appeared and moved up to face one another. The first tornado reeked of evil and perversion, and literally oozed undergarments of all womankind. There was also the hint of bean jam buns. This tornado glowed with an eerie reddish-blue tint to it. The other tornado, fed not only by the heat of the most intense battle this side of Andromeda and the extreme cold emitted from the souls of the two opponents…and the extreme heat from the industrial sized napalm bombs courtesy of Happosai helped a little, too, filled itself with rocks and trees and anything else it could pick up. It also had a very blue tint to it. And finally, much to the dismay of the spectators, they collided. All of the fire that had engulfed the plain was blown out, and whatever weather pattern wasn't disturbed by the floating distortions in the sky was thrown completely out of whack. In fact, one of the distortions flickered for a moment before the cloaking device recovered. The ground shook with tremendous force, knocking all but a few spectators off their feet. The air around the tornados crackled with raw energy as the opponents battled in a contest of will and power. Ranma, Shampoo, and Ryoga struggled to stand their ground and keep their eyes open to witness the awesome display of power before them. The others managed not to get blown away like many of the other spectators. The tornados sent sparks flying all over, only to be sucked back into the vortex that was the battle. A purplish glow appeared as the two tornados began to merge. All who remained saw this and blanched. They knew what was coming. Everyone hit the dirt when the tornados finally merged into one, causing everything to go white. Satan winced as Jesus replied "Ouch! That's gotta hurt." And then there was silence.

An ant poked its head above the ground to see what all the ruckus was, only to be vaporized in an instant, so intense was the heat. A foolhardy bird flew overhead, only to find no air to support its flight, and it plummeted to its demise, so powerful the vortex. A veteran blade of grass that managed to survive the fire was now embedded into a far-off tree, so ridiculous the power. After a minute, however, atmosphere returned to what remained of the plain. Kasumi was the first to recover, followed by Dr. Tofu, than Ranma and Ryoga, who then went to revive the others. As they looked out into the field they saw two figures, one standing over the prone form of the other. Everyone knew now who the winner was, and were dumbstruck.

The old hand, still trembling from using so much chi in that last attack, was poised to deliver the final blow to the wrecked form.

"I am…defeated," moaned the form. "You know…what you must…do."

"Good-bye…" hand trembles as a tear attempted to roll down the wrinkled cheek, "Cologne."

"No," whispered Shampoo.

"Oh man," winced Ranma and Akane.

"Uh oh," muttered Mouse and Ukyo.

Before anyone could react, Happosai's hand stuck for the windpipe of Cologne. At this, reactions finally occurred. Shampoo and Mouse were the first to leap out, followed by Ukyo, then Ranma, Soun, and Genma. The six stopped short, however, for what they saw they could not believe. Happosai's fingers were on her windpipe, but had stopped just before inflicting the blow.

"I can't kill you, Cologne," wept Happosai. "I love you too much to kill you."

All eyes nearly fled from their sockets from hearing this. The distortions above and the remaining spectators facefaulted. The six avengers surrounding the pair no longer felt the urge to kill. In fact, they found that they could do nothing. And then, as if things hadn't been strange enough as they were, IT happened. Shampoo fainted. Mousse gasped in astonishment. Soun could not cry. Genma was speechless, as was Ranma. Ukyo leaned on her spatula for support.

Finally, Mousse spoke. "The Kiss of Marriage," came out more solemn than he expected.

The others on the sideline saw what was happening.

"She…kissed him?" asked Nabiki, all coolness and control lost at this moment.

"So now what?" questioned Ryoga.

"She gave him the kiss of marriage?" murmured Akane.

"Yes," replied Dr. Tofu. "This means that she's pledged to marry him no matter what."

"Wo ai ni, airen."

(B-D)

A city district was never more thankful to see a Wednesday more than Nermia. After a minor earthquake and several isolated explosions in the woods, not to mention the first rain-free day in two years, the town was finally able to exhale and resume life as they knew it. The Ucchan's was open once again as well as the Cat Café. Life was good. There was even a break in the string of panty robberies that day. The Tendo dojo was unusually calm today. No screaming. No fights. No dimensional misplacements of hammers. Two men sat in front of the koi pond playing a fair game of shogi. Soun Tendo looked out as the sun hung beautifully in the sky. Genma Saotome also took in the scene. The birds singing, the fish swimming, the sound of a normal city just outside the walls.

"Ah," sighed Soun. "All is right with the world today."

"Yeah," sigh Genma. "Life is good."

Two blurs rushed past them.

"Father," said Kasumi. "Should I make a plate for grandfather's guest?"

"Yes, dear. Please do."

If one was paying attention, they could hear crying just on top of the roof.

Fin

Author's notes

(-: This is paying homage to my favorite serious Ranma crossover, Ranma vs. Predator...I know I'm all late, but I loved it, Benares. Just search for it on the net and you'll find it.

So, my first attempt at writing a fanfic. Not bad. This was based off of a dream my younger brother had a few years back. Between school and the chaos of home, I couldn't devote much time to writing, so this took a really long time to finish. If I have any talent, please let me know. Ranma seriously got me into anime after Legend of the Overfiend almost made me swear off anime forever. I was young, so sue me. Anyway, Let me know what you all think. It's just that there's not much out there focusing on Happosai or Cologne, and the dream was just so cool, I had to go there. I have much respect for these two, and I'm just glad to have this finished and see what people think. Well, I'm done. I'll be hearing from you.

10/26/04- After working on the sequel to this story, which was originally intended to be a one-shot, I thought I'd come back and go back over what started the story. I can't believe how much this story got my creative juices flowing. I truly hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Check out the continuation of this story, Final Judgment, Kodachi, currently on and my brother's website on top.

Den Scurman

©2004 (B-D)