Puchuu Punching

This is utter madness. But I love Fruits Basket, and I love Excel Saga. For those of you who don't now, Puchuus are creatures from Mars that feature quite often in Excel Saga. They are horrifyingly cute, but when they are injured or dead their faces contort into extreme expressions of death as featured in the Golgo 13 anime. Their ultimate goal of the Puchuus is world domination, and their paralysing cuteness make this almost obstacle-free. The only thing that stands in their way are people not swayed by their cuteness. Or a monkey. Just one will do.

And doesn't Ritsu deserve to have a little fun? I even threw I a little shounen-ai just for the heck of it! I will write a serious fic soon. And just for the record, I do not condone in any way the abuse of animals. In fact, I'm a staunch vegetarian. Puchuus, however, are evil and must be stopped at all costs.

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It was a beautiful day. Well, it was warm despite the presence of a huge cloud that the weather forecast hadn't managed to detect, so it wasn't really beautiful. In fact, it was an abnormal day. Then again, this is Japan we're talking about, which is located in what is popularly known as the Pacific Ring of Fire, so unusual weather is what they're used to. So, by Japanese standards it was a regular day, but by most standards it was abnormal. And since this story is set in Japan, it was a regular day. Oh, hell with it.

It was Sunday. Kids had no school, grown ups had no work. The weather was acceptable to facilitate travel outdoors but I won't go into details. The thoughts and daydreams of many a young man were turned to romance, aided my the copious amounts of young women out and about. In particular, a lot of men's gazes were drawn to a particularly cute specimen with honey blonde hair and wide purple eyes who had the unfortunate habit of whispering to herself as she walked by. However, she was so cute, they didn't care.

In fact, this person wasn't actually a young woman. It was Ritsu Sohma, who was really a young man who chose to dress as a young woman for reasons we won't go into now. He was walking to the nearby pharmacy after being sent by Hatori Sohma. A guest at the Onsen had complained that she wanted coffee instead of tea, resulting in the concierge becoming hysterical. Ritsu had been asked to pick up some sort of sedative from the store, which was most likely a ruse to prevent Ritsu becoming hysterical as well. Hatori had made him memorize the prescription instead of writing it down. So he kept whispering the name of the drug to himself so he wouldn't forget it.

" Protosysenthionol, Protosysenthionol, Protosysenthionol…Oof!"

He accidentally bumped into a middle-aged man, whose own apology was immediately cut off by Ritsu's frenzy of regret.

"OhmyGodI'msosorryIwasn'tlookingwhereIwasgoingImusthavehurtyoubadlyIdon'tdeservetolive…"

And then he ran off, leaving the very confused man scratching his head.

" Wow, what a strange girl."

And then he smiled gormlessly.

" Aw, but she's so cute. Who cares?"

The man walked in the opposite direction, but was stopped in his tracks by a strange creature coming round a corner. It looked like a little teddy bear, with big fluffy ears, beady black eyes, and an innocent smile. It had a futon beater in one hand and the other behind it's back, and it appeared to be wearing a pink diaper. It saw the man, tilted its head to one side and spoke in a high-pitched little girl's voice.

" Puchuu," it chirruped.

The man was under its spell immediately. He smiled while floods of tears flowed like waterfalls down his cheeks. He ran towards the creature, arms outstretched while a backdrop of sparkly bubbles appeared behind him and tinkly piano music played.

" IT'S….SO….CUUUUUTE!"

The Puchuu pulled an AK-47 out from behind its back and shot the man down. Standing over its prize, the Puchuu spoke.

" Puchuu, puchuu, puchuu, puchuu." (The first casualty of war, but by no means the last.)

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Ritsu trotted down the sidewalk, berating himself for being so clumsy.

"How could I be so awkward? It's not like it's a small sidewalk! I probably made that guy late for work or something. I don't deserve to live… what was that medicine called?"

He screeched to a halt. He had forgotten what he was supposed to get in the pharmacy!

" Oh no! What am I gonna do? I can't go home and ask Hatori the name of the stuff! Mom's probably really sick right now because of me! I don't deserve to live! I should just lay down and die right…what the heck is that?"

A puchuu came stepping lightly down the road, interrupting his well thought out tirade of self-deprecation. It smiled at him and chirruped gently.

" Puchuu…"

Ritsu simpered back…

" Oh, it's so cute…"

… then punched it square in its adorably chubby little face!

" …BUT WHO THE HELL CARES!?!"

The surprisingly forceful punch killed the puchuu instantly, but not before its face contorted from a pretty teddy bear's to that of a heavily bleeding, heavily eyebrowed yakuza thug's. Ritsu glanced at the mangled corpse, and at his fist that had done so much damage.

" Well, that was strange. I just couldn't resist punching it… Protosysenthionol! That's what I need!"

He instantly forgot about the dead puchuu and dashed to the pharmacy.

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The unusual cloud that wasn't really all that unusual mentioned in the first paragraph was, in fact, a spaceship, containing thousands of puchuus eager to take over the earth. World domination had been a goal of the Puchuu race for as long as they had lived on Mars (approximately a thousand years). However, they had called off their invasions several times due to circumstances that were both extenuating and highly embarrassing. At last, they had found the perfect time to invade. The puchuu leader, a grey bearded teddy bear with much more dignity than his men (that's not saying much) spoke gravely to his troops.

" Puchuu puchuu, puchuu puchuu puchuu puchuu." ( We go, perhaps to our deaths.)

" Puchuu!!" shouted the troops in unison. ( Hooray!!)

" Puchuu puchuu, puchuu puchuu puchuu puchuu?" ( Who amongst you, who will give their lives to our glorious cause?)

" Puchuu!" (We will!)

" Puchuu puchuu puchuu. Puchuu puchuu!" (What fine men you are. Have some medals!)

The puchuu leader threw a handle of bottle caps at his men, who scooped them up eagerly. Then the grey bearded one lifted his futon beater into the air and issued a command.

" Puchuu, puchuu!" (Now, dance!)

The puchuus did their little war dance, which bore an uncanny resemblance to the Macarena. The ship dropped towards the ground. The invasion had begun.

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Ritsu was very confused. According to the pharmacist, there was no such thing as Protosysenthionol! Why would Hatori have given him false information?

" No, that can't be it!" he said sternly to himself, " Hatori would never give me a fake name! I must have gotten it wrong, I'm so stupid! How could I get it wrong? I should just die right now and… what the?"

A puchuu was standing right in front of him. It smiled at him, and fondled its gun behind its back. Ritsu smiled back.

" Aw, this one's cute too!"

And then he punched it so hard that the puchuu flew a thousand miles into the atmosphere. Ritsu stared off in the direction it had flown. He was still standing there when Hatori came running around the corner. The doctor was out of breath, and he grabbed Ritsu's arm and pulled him away.

" Oh, Hatori! I'm really sorry, but the pharmacist has never even heard of…"

" Never mind that now, Ritsu! I've been looking for you everywhere. There's a blanket alert on the surrounding area, there's some sort of invasion going on! All civilians have been ordered to stay indoors."

" But what about…"

" Shigure's place is closest to us. We're going straight there."

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I'll write Chapter two soon.