Kouga finally meets the woman of his dreams... only problem is, it's Sesshoumaru. D'oh.
[A/N: This is set pre-Ayame. If you've been watching Inuyasha on [as], you're all set. This also happens to be Kouga/Sesshoumaru. If that bothers you, wait here while I write Inuyasha/Kagome's mom. Don't think I won't.]
"They're mocking me," he said miserably. "They're mocking me right this (achoo!) second!"
"There are worse things they could be doing," Hakkaku put in unhelpfully. Ginta cringed for the coming apocalypse.
But Kouga only sighed. "They've probably done that already, and are following it up with some Kouga-bashing." He sniffled, and wiped his nose on his arm. "I don't know whether to kill her for destroying my reputation, or just make sure nothing nasty gets a taste of her, because I couldn't stand if anything happened to her..." he laid his head in his arms, the picture of defeat.
"Look," Ginta said sternly, "you have more important things to worry about than some human girl. Not just your reputation, but your family line!"
"Yeah," Hakkaku added, "forget about the human, if she wants to have puppies with the mutt, that's her business."
"Puppies?" Kouga wailed, somewhat muffled by his arms.
"It's his loss," Hakkaku said defensively. "They'd be mostly human, you know? You wouldn't want to breed with her, anyway, she might not pass on her gift for detecting the shards, and you'd be stuck with a litter of hanyous."
Well. He'd never thought of it quite like that. But still! Kagome! His! Dog-man... ew. It was the principle of it, dammit!
"You just have to find a good demon girl!" Ginta opined. "Someone beautiful, and strong, and faithful, who won't go gallivanting off with some half-breed first opportunity she gets! Someone who will protect your reputation, not trample it! Someone worthy of the great Kouga-sama!"
A reluctant smile pulled at the corners of Kouga's mouth. I have great minions, he thought to himself proudly.
Now, you may say that Sesshoumaru does nothing but walk around the forest in a boa. But you would be wrong. Sesshoumaru doesn't walk- he glides.
At that particular moment, however, he was not gliding. He was standing. He was annoyed. He had an itch.
Sesshoumaru had always fancied himself far too special to be subject to the common indignity of itching. But there it was. And in a most improper place, too.
"How may I be of service to you, Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken groveled.
Sesshoumaru glared down on him, looking as if he was wondering whether he should kill him on the spot, or if that wasn't worth cleaning his sword. Jaken didn't seem too troubled by this. "You may," Sesshoumaru said levelly, "see to my needs. I am in... discomfort. Attend to it."
Jaken licked his lipless beak. "Yes, Milord," he said, a tad too eagerly.
Off to the side, Rin was eating grass. She was cute and all, but honestly, this "hunger" business was growing tiresome. He kept a straight face as Jaken scratched at his ankle lightly. "Higher."
Jaken scratched higher. Damned if he wasn't enjoying it, too. The things this Sesshoumaru must endure.
Oh, sweet relief. This had been worth it at any price.
Any price but that. He turned on Jaken angrily. "What was that?" he asked in a finely clipped tone.
"N-n-nothing, Milord!" Jaken stuttered hopelessly.
Sesshoumaru kicked him out of sight. How dare that unworthy toad take advantage of him like that. He turned to saunter off, when he heard a sneeze.
Kouga stood proudly in his path, hands on his hips, grinning like a maniac.
Be brave, be brave, Kouga told himself feverishly. "So, uh," he said, trying to sound casual, "what's a pretty girl like you doing in a forest like this?"
Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched. This was just going to be one of these days, wasn't it.
She's not buying it. Gotta make your move now. "Um... would you like to be my woman, by any chance?" There! What girl could resist an offer like that?
Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow in what seemed to be amusement. Little did the wolf know the kind of danger he was in.
Kouga sidled up to him with impressive speed. "I'm not hearing a no," he said suggestively. He leaned forward ambitiously, and kissed him.
Sesshoumaru had the fleeting urge to eviscerate something. But it was either this or wait until Jaken caught up with him. With an inward shrug, Sesshoumaru kissed back.
If he had known Kouga would take it as an engagement, he might have done things differently. He put a protective hand on Rin's head, not liking the way the wolves were looking at her.
"Oh, is she yours?" Kouga asked, noticing her for the first time.
Intriguing question. The child was not related to him by blood, yet if she could be said to be anyone's, surely it was him. Rin watched him with bated breath.
"Yeah, she's a cute lil thing," Kouga said, not waiting for an answer. "I'll make it clear that no one's to eat her, (several wolves groaned at this) so she'll be safe and happy as can be. Nothing's too good for my woman and her family. Isn't that right, little one?" he said, ruffling Rin's hair. She bit him.
"Spunky little scamp! Um, kid, you can let go now. Any time. Daddy would like his hand back, sweetie."
She let go, and wiped her mouth, grinning fiendishly at Kouga.
Kouga took a step back. Then another one.
Sesshoumaru swelled with pride.
Ginta and Hakkaku hid, lest they be named babysitters.
"She smells human, but acts like a demon child," someone whispered.
"So," Kouga said around his wounded hand, "it works like this. I declare you my woman before the pack, and you're mine forever. Oh, before I forget, what's your name?"
"What a strange name. Well, I suppose you didn't pick it..."
Sesshoumaru played with Toukijin's hilt. "That is not my name." How irritating. Not only was this man an idiot, but there obviously was going to be no chance to wear a wedding kimono. Why was he here again?
Kouga frowned. "You have such a deep voice for a woman."
He shook his head as if to clear it. "So if you'll just—hey, what do you guys want?" he said as his minions dragged him off unceremoniously.
"Kouga, please find a different mate!" Ginta begged.
"What's wrong with this one? She's beautiful, quiet, powerful... and a fantastic kisser!"
"We're just not convinced that she is all she seems to be." Hakkaku said diplomatically.
"What is your problem?" Kouga said in a fierce whisper. "She's perfect! Well, I mean, she's not Kagome or anything, but as arrogant demon ladies go, she's a—"
"How old is she?" Hakkaku asked.
"What's her name?"
"Who's her family?"
"Is she wealthy?"
"Have you noticed that one of her sleeves is empty?"
"Does she have a lot of kids?"
"Does she have a penis?"
Kouga's jaw dropped. "Well, she—I... Old enough! I'll ask her again! Us! She is now! I had not noticed! But it doesn't mean anything! Just the runt that bit me! (I think.) And hell no! Because she can't! She's a girl, and... WHY THE HELL AM I ANSWERING TO YOU?" In a flash, he was by Sesshoumaru's side again. Stupid minions. He'd make them baby-sit the little terror for that.
That evening at the cave, Kouga made the announcement to the pack. Sesshoumaru suspected nearly everyone had figured out his gender, but no one was brave enough to break the news to Kouga.
He hadn't had this much fun in decades.
Rin also seemed to be having a good time, at the expense of two weary-looking wolves.
And then there was Kouga, who seemed to be everything he wasn't. Foolish, impulsive, loud, and tactless. And completely unaware of his own beauty.
He preened his boa and sipped cha delicately. It was just a vacation, he decided. Even the great Sesshoumaru needs something to do besides look at rocks and trees all day. Something not three feet high and green.
Kouga caught his gaze, his dark, tanned skin sweaty from wrestling, his eyes shining, and mouth slightly open. "What was your name again?" he asked, spoiling the moment.
Sesshoumaru sipped his cha.
...Later that night—
"Are you sure we're doing this right?"
"But what if we're not?"
"Other than all the talking we seem to be doing, this is the way it's done."
"But this isn't how Dad told me to do it."
"How do you know so much about this, anyway? Hey, you positive we didn't make a mistake somewhere?"
"The only mistake I made was not gagging you."
"Ooh, kinky. What was your name again?"
[Yes, there will be a chapter two. Jaken shows up. Fun. Boost my ego and get it sooner—I'm not saying that as blackmail, but when I feel good, I write more. I can't help it.]