Disclaimer: I intend to plead insanity.
Formatting: I am using haikus to fill the spaces FFN so cruelly denies me. Enjoy, flame, whatever.
(This is the first space)
(The story will begin soon.)
(Sit back and enjoy.)
"Wait a second," said Kouga. "What else was Jaken doing around your sash area, under the table while you were blitzed out of your mind?"
Sesshoumaru stopped dead in his tracks. "I'll kill the little toad when I find him. I told him it was over between us."
"Kill, yes, wait, 'over with?' As in, there was something to end?"
"I've been taken advantage of," Sesshoumaru lamented. "My beauteous person has been tainted by the hands of the unworthy."
"And speaking of," Kouga said, the gears in his head turning, "since when do you trust some villagers you've never met before with your sash?"
"It is an expensive silk," Sesshoumaru conceded. "Perhaps I should have everyone wash their hands first?"
"Which is more important to you anyway, your hygiene or your virtue?"
"I slept with you, so obviously, neither!" Sesshoumaru snapped.
"I'd hit you for that, but Father always said never to hit girls!"
"Then what are you waiting for?" Sesshoumaru bristled.
They glared at each other for a moment, then flew at each other, scuffling in the dirt.
"Ow, ow, you're on my hair!" Sesshoumaru whined.
"I think that goes for all of Honshu, there's so damn much of it!"
Sesshoumaru gave Kouga's tail a vicious yank. "That's for giving me split ends on our wedding night!"
Kouga looked for his opponent's tail, and found none, so he spanked Sesshoumaru instead. "That's for not being a girl on our wedding night!"
Sesshoumaru pinned Kouga down, pressing his folded arm across Kouga's chest. "What should I do to you, for nearly running off with that human 'girl' first chance you got?"
"What do you care, you tried to ditch me after one night!"
"What about your hot, sweaty affair with that wind sorceress, that everyone's talking about?" Sesshoumaru implied provocatively.
"Affair? I was trying to kill her!" Kouga defended.
"And then you had sex?"
"No, and then she beat me up, and I, um, escaped somehow, which has nothing to do with that dog-turd."
"I suppose things do tend to get a bit embellished on the demon grapevine."
"The bit with the centipede woman was also complete fiction," Kouga added helpfully.
"Well, I assumed so, female centipede demons inject their mates with poison."
"Wait, you mean that was a guy, too?" Kouga said in dismay.
"Kouga," Sesshoumaru said somewhat urgently.
"That saké, I think it's getting to be a problem." Sesshoumaru said stiffly.
"Well, get off me, and we'll go to that village. Or you could just let me cut the damn thing off."
Sesshoumaru shuddered, and got up. "I'll take the grubby, prying hands of the villagers, thank you." He set off at a brisk pace.
"Maybe I should have worded that differently," Kouga grumbled, catching up with ease.
So, they arrived at the village, dirty, scuffed up, and stained with Naraku's slime. Sesshoumaru had a line of blood running down his face that he hadn't noticed yet, which Kouga was enjoying more than was healthy. Oh, yes, and they were demons. Needless to say, mothers jerked their children away in abject terror... and then snuck back to drool at these men, who were a fair sight better looking than their husbands, after all.
"Do you ever get the feeling people are staring at us," Sesshoumaru said uncomfortably.
"And we care why?" Kouga responded confidently.
"I just feel so naked without my boa," Sesshoumaru sniffed.
A bold, heavily made-up woman approached them, fanning herself dramatically. "Can I help you two strapping men," she purred. "With anything, anything at all?"
"Yeah," Kouga said, smiling, "I need help getting his pants off. Someone with really dexterous hands and the ability to improvise."
"I see," the woman said, raising an eyebrow. Kinky ones, eh? she thought, at least one of the girls should be up to this. The white haired one looks (and acts) rich, and the other one wouldn't dare be so cocky if he had nothing to back it up. "Right this way, gentlemen," she said, her hips swaying in an exaggerated walk.
"Would you happen to have a boa, too?" Sesshoumaru hedged.
"We have everything, baby," the woman said, sending him come-hither gazes over her shoulder.
"You JERKS!" a village woman shouted from the sidelines. "You could have had us for free!"
"But Nobuko, aren't you married?" another woman pointed out.
"It's not my fault!" Nobuko insisted. "Those demon men must have hypnotized me! I no longer have control of my body! Or... desires."
"Oh, I see where this is going," the other woman said. "I've been hypnotized too! Already I am a thrall of the demon beast's base needs! It isn't adultery at all, it's rape, that's right!"
"Oi," Sesshoumaru said nervously, "the things this Sesshoumaru gets blamed for."
"Hey, where are you going?" the 'hypnotized' married fangirls moaned, as the objects of their desires disappeared into a rather large and fancy building.
(You ask, what is space?)
(It is I, filling the void.)
"Kagome-chan!" Mrs. Higurashi called in a singsong voice. "Time for school! I hope you actually studied, and didn't just find inventive ways to lose your uniform!"
Kikyou batted her soul-catchers out the window before her 'mother' opened the door.
"Oh, darling," Kagome's mother said from the doorway. "Did you sleep in that?" she asked, eyeing Kikyou's weathered miko outfit.
"Yes... Mother," Kikyou forced herself to say, "I slept. That's what living people do, right? They sleep. Like me." She forced a smile, hopefully.
Kagome's mother narrowed her eyes and looked closer. "Did you hit your head, darling?"
Kikyou shook her head fervently.
Lowering her voice dramatically, she asked, "Did anyone hit you? The dog-man, for example?"
"No, 'Mother,' I am perfectly all right. Is that Souta here to take me to school already? Good!" she declared, dodging her reincarnation's mother's scrutiny.
"Kagome! You can't wear that, and oh, that's not Souta, that's Houjou!"
"Yes 'Mom,' that was nice of him, wasn't it?" Kikyou called, already down the stairs.
But barely was she out of Kagome's mother's grasp, did she realize that being walked to school by Houjou wasn't much of an improvement.
"My, Kagome! That sunburn healed so fast, what did you put on it?"
Kikyou considered answering truthfully, 'the souls of dead maidens,' but thought the better of it. Silence really suited her, anyway.
"I can tell you're sick though, you're so pale. Oh, I know, you tried to get an instant tan to cover up how sick you are! My beautiful, brave Kagome!"
Kikyou rolled her eyes. Kagome this, Kagome that. What was so great about Kagome, anyway? Other than, obviously, being her. But a much inferior copy, naturally.
"Here, lean on me," Houjou suggested.
Kikyou eyed him like he might bite her. "Are you a monk, by any chance? I'm only supposed to enjoy you copping a feel if you're a monk."
"No," Houjou said thoughtfully, "but I could join, if that's what lights your fire..." he blushed vigorously, and played with his fingers. "But I'm not going to cop a feel, (since you caught me) I'm just so worried about you!"
"Fine," Kikyou resigned, leaning on him. Men in the future were strange. And annoying. And smelled nice. Wait, what?
"Oof," Houjou grunted, "No offence, Higurashi, but you weigh a ton! What have you been eating, bricks?"
"No, I just am a brick," Kikyou said, annoyed with Houjou's attitude, and stupid, stupid, pretty scent.
"As long..." he struggled for air, "as it wasn't an unhealthy diet, I suppose."
That was just the beginning. School was evil, Kikyou decided. School needed to be vanquished, blitzed with purity arrows, and the remains burnt under unlucky stars, that they might never haunt this world with their... evilness, ever again.
In other words, like everyone else in the world, Kikyou had a rotten first day at school.
(Poetry in the vacuum)
(Space in the middle.)
AUTHOR'S INTERLUDE: Wait, Kikyou in high school? This fic has gone too far. Really. No. Too far. And it's too late to backpedal, we're there, we might as well go all the way. I am deeply sorry. But, you know, these things happen. In the minds of crazy people.
THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS THE SAME AGE, AND ATTENDS HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER. WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO HIGH SCHOOL. AND CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE TRUE FUNCTION OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY.
KAGOME: Hey, shouldn't the teacher be here by now?
HOUJOU: Maybe she was sick.
HOUJOU: Ah, finally, someone's sick! I have the perfect thing for embarrassing belching, right here in my—
INUYASHA: FUCK THIS JAZZ. WHY AM I IN HIGH SCHOOL?
NARAKU: (Rocking slowly in a corner) It's always the pretty ones, always the pretty ones, are you one of them? After the pretty ones, always the—
SESSHOUMARU: Quiet, insolent beast. Wait. Since when am I human?
AUTHOR: Yeah, demon powers don't really fit into the story. Oh, it would help if you were attracted to Naraku, because I think you'd look hot together. :)
SESSHOUMARU: (Flexing his now human claws) I think I see why you took my powers, now. (Hits AUTHOR with a desk, who dies. IT MAKES SENSE, DAMMIT!)
INUYASHA: I AM SKIPPING CLASS. (Jumps out of window.)
KAGOME: (Cringes) He knows he's human now, right? The author just kept his silver hair to confuse him.
HOUJOU: MEDICAL EMERGENCY! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!
SESSHOUMARU: (Punches HOUJOU in the gut.)
KOUGA: Thanks, man. (Begins to eat AUTHOR. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway.)
MIROKU: (Makes out with RIN.)
EVERYONE: Dude, that's sick, she's what, four?
MIROKU: (Points to sign at beginning of INTERLUDE stating that everyone is the same age.)
SOUTA: Cool, I'm BIG now, like in that American movie!
GINTA and HAKKAKU: (Devour SOUTA. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway.)
KAGOME: Wait, I thought everyone was human now?
KOUGA: We are. We're just cannibals.
MIROKU: (Groping SANGO and RIN'S behinds, one in each hand.) Old habits die hard.
SANGO: (Slaps MIROKU. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway) Did you eat the teacher, Kouga?
KOUGA: (Tries to whistle, but keeps belching)
MIROKU: Shouldn't Naraku be the principal or something? Or at least vaguely scary? He's kind of lame.
NARAKU: Fangirls, Mary-Sues, hands in new places, hands, hands, everywhere, not there, no, my special place, not the hair, not the hair! (Bats invisible hands off him frantically.)
KIKYOU: I'm late. Where's the teacher?
KAGOME: Oh, you're "late." I get it. Corpse humor.
SANGO: Mr. Cannibal here ate her.
KIKYOU: All right, free period! Where's Inuyasha?
SESSHOUMARU: (Points out window)
KIKYOU: But we're on the third story! My love is dead! He's supposed to die because of me. MEEEE!
SANGO: (Puts a hand on KIKYOU'S shoulder, awkwardly.) I'm sure he was thinking of you. Like a lover's suicide!
KIKYOU: You're just saying that.
(JAKEN enters. In his human form, he is the most supremely beautiful and desirable male ever to walk the earth. All the girls and SESSHOUMARU pass out from the sheer gorgeousness of him. The INTERLUDE implodes from sheer impossibility.)
ZOMBIE AUTHOR: I am sorry. So, so, sorry. Well, not really. (Eats brains of READERS.)
(If you think it's bad)
(Reading this poem, you should try)
(Having to write it.)
It became increasingly clear that they were in a brothel. Sesshoumaru gasped suddenly, and hid behind Kouga.
"What is it?" Kouga asked.
"I think I just saw my father's old friend, Toutousai." Sesshoumaru shuddered involuntarily.
"Don't be so hard on him," Kouga said soothingly, "it's his business if he wants to consort with prostitutes. A lot of men do."
"No," Sesshoumaru said, "he wasn't a john. He was one of the geishas. And he has my brother's haori!"
Kouga frowned. "Okay, that's just wrong. Not that I'm really surprised about dog-turd. Always suspected he was a pervert. Look, lady," he said to their guide, "we don't need the grand tour, just do your thing and get my wife's pants off, and we'll kindly be on our way!"
The prostitute seemed to be telling herself 'the customer is always right' a few times in her head, before taking them to a lavish room, with toys hanging everywhere.
A young girl came in with tea. She was not someone Kouga or Sesshoumaru happened to know, but Miroku would have recognized her. At least he'd better have. Her name was Koharu, and she'd ended up here after he'd dumped her off with promises of a better life. Despite her surroundings, she did little more than bring tea, and was still a virgin. But she knew that if no one bought her, she would eventually have to become one of the 'working girls.' So, Koharu was on a mission.
"Here's your tea... and would you like me to bear your children? I know men like that."
The older prostitute glared at Koharu. "Please, forgive her, she is learning. And homeless" she added spitefully.
"Look," Sesshoumaru said, "I'll buy your contract if you can untie my sash."
Koharu gulped. "I-I'll try, sir." She fiddled with the knot for several minutes, frowning, and eventually started pulling at it with her teeth, trying to loosen it. Sesshoumaru cultivated the faraway stare of a cat in the litter box.
"Enough, you don't know what you're doing, girl," the other woman said. Koharu surrendered the knot in tears, and let her superior take over.
When the prostitute gave up, she looked at Sesshoumaru in awe. "Who tied this?"
"My minion," Sesshoumaru said sadly.
"Shouldn't that be ex-minion?" Kouga reminded.
"He'll be ex-living once I find him," Sesshoumaru growled.
"I know just the person," the woman said brightly. "She does all that S&M stuff, so she's amazing with knots." She disappeared, and a few moments later, a small, short-haired woman with a fiendish air about her entered.
"Yura!" Sesshoumaru said, showing his fangs. "I've told you for the last time, you can't have my hair!"
"Who is she?" Kouga asked.
"Hair demon. Used to comb the dead, but her comb became possessed with evil energy. I heard she died, though."
Yura sniffed. "The meanies broke my comb. Now I'm human again."
"Oh... sucks to be you, I guess," Kouga said callously.
"It's okay," Yura said, shrugging. "I still have lots of fun here. Get to make them scream for me." She developed a disturbing look in her eye.
Koharu hugged herself and backed away.
"Here," Yura offered, "I'm sure I can untie that knot for you."
"Like I trust you," Sesshoumaru snarled, drawing Toukijin.
"Look," Kouga began, but he never finished. At that moment, all hell broke loose.
(Some call space boring,)
(Others say it is peaceful)
(Space is past caring.)
"What subject is this?" Kikyou asked furiously, in the middle of class.
"Higurashi, this is math class. Do you need to see the nurse?" the teacher asked worriedly.
Houjou mouthed 'yes' at her from across the room.
"Why do I need to learn math?" Kikyou demanded. "I'm a girl!"
Ayumi sighed. "And she was doing so well in history," she whispered to her friends.
"Yeah," Eri added, "the teacher was thrilled to see her in that outfit. But shouldn't she have brought a change for other classes?"
"We're not here to debate the role of women in modern society, Higurashi," the teacher said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "we are here to learn math."
"Well I refuse," Kikyou said petulantly, crossing her arms. She'd had enough. Loud bells, taunting, evil smells, being herded like cattle, subjects she had no hope of understanding, and being the only girl not showing off an indecent amount of leg. Inuyasha or no Inuyasha, she was leaving, if the dead could not rest in peace, they could at least make a big show of haunting lonely places. But this was just undignified.
"You can't, it's illegal," the teacher said, and most of the students laughed. Even Eri giggled, until Yuka jabbed her with an elbow.
An inexplicable wind ruffled Kikyou's hair, and dead leaves drifted by dramatically, which was impressive, considering it wasn't autumn. Kikyou supposed they could be from plants she killed by glaring. Bad habit, really. But Kikyou looked powerful. And suddenly no one was laughing anymore. She strode out towards the door, and the teacher, rather than stopping her, walked slowly to the intercom.
Houjou stood, looked at everyone guiltily, and ran after her.
"He's sooo romantic!" Ayumi squealed, throwing herself on Yuka melodramatically.
Houjou caught up to Kikyou in the hallway. "Kagome," he said, his voice low, "they have this wonderful new pill for ADD, maybe if you—"
Kikyou turned to Houjou. "You want to know what's wrong with me? Take my hand."
Houjou inspected her hand, it didn't look contagious, so he held it. "Does this mean we're boyfriend and—"
"Pulse," Kikyou said. "Look for it."
Houjou did. He frowned. He held her wrist to his ear. "There... there's some mistake," he said, his neat and orderly world coming apart. "Kagome... I don't think there's a pill for death!"
Kikyou sighed. "I know."
"We still might be able to fix the ADD though," he said hopefully.
School security surrounded them. "Careful, I hear she has leprosy," one of the guards said to the others.
(That which is nothing)
(Can be everything as well.)
(If you are confused.)
"Women," Miroku said, downing his saké.
"Yeah," Inuyasha said, swirling his around in the saucer, "women."
"Can't live with them..." Miroku said, rubbing his bruises from Kikyou.
"Not sure the rest of that saying is true, though," Inuyasha finished. "You know, I didn't have girl problems when I was sealed to a tree. There was just one girl, and I didn't have to think about her anyway."
"You're saying you miss being knocked out with an arrow through your heart?" Miroku asked.
"Well, it was a lot less complicated."
"Damn. Those women sure did a number on you."
"Yeah..." Inuyasha said, catching light in his saké and reflecting it around, but not drinking any. "I can't leave Kikyou there, you know. We have to find Kagome. And kill Naraku. And do something about the jewel. And make the world safe for hanyous, and save all the adorable kittens stuck in trees. Why is it all my job to make the world a perfect place?"
"Perhaps you were chosen by Buddha," Miroku said calmly.
"I'm Shinto, you know," Inuyasha pointed out.
"Well then maybe that's why Buddha hates you, and makes you do all that."
"You damn monks just have an answer for everything, don't you?"
"We do," Miroku said mysteriously.
"I suppose you know how to live without women, too," Inuyasha said bitterly.
"Yeah, we know a trick or two for that," Miroku said leaning in closer.
Someone coughed. "I'm watching you," an oddly pitched voice said. Miroku turned towards the speaker, a figure in a hooded cloak with a moustache.
"Who was that?" Inuyasha asked, oblivious to the implications of their previous conversation.
Miroku frowned and pulled the mysterious interrupter's hood down, revealing Sango wearing a crooked moustache. "What are you doing here?" he asked, looking more confused than surprised.
"You know, I warned you, after the noodle incident," Sango hissed.
"Hey, hey," Inuyasha said, "In what way is that never speaking of it again?"
"Look, Shippou's waiting outside," Sango said, swiftly changing the subject.
"Shippou—does that mean you've found Kagome?" Inuyasha asked urgently.
"I think he knows where she is, but.... You'd better talk to him for yourself, okay?"
They got up and walked slowly towards the door.
"Hey, who touched my ass!" Inuyasha yelled, turning about wildly with his fangs bared.
"Oh, was that you?" Miroku said innocently. "I was aiming for Sango."
Shippou was waiting on the sign that read, "No women or children." He looked unusually smug.
"Tell me where Kagome is now, before I pound you one," Inuyasha snarled at Shippou.
"You can't hurt me, I found out the secret thing that Naraku's terrified of!" Shippou chirped.
"Commitment?" Sango asked, pulling off her moustache.
Shippou shook his head. "I can't say anything, because the moment I do, big mean old Inuyasha's gonna start hitting me for information about Kagome."
"So you do know where Kagome is," Inuyasha said, perhaps a little too sweetly. "Just tell me, and it'll be all right."
"You don't deserve her, and she's happy now, so there!" Shippou said, blowing a raspberry.
"So how do you defeat Nara—" Miroku tried to cut in.
"Oh, you are so cruisin' for a bruisin', brat," Inuyasha said, cracking his knuckles. "Last chance."
Shippou folded his arms and said nothing.
(F.F.N. hates me.)
(It probably hates you too.)
(But space most of all.)
There were just so many women.
Most were married. Many had children at home. Some were quite old. A few were men. And they all wanted Kouga.
"We want you!" a young woman declared, throwing herself at him.
"Remember?" another girl reminded.
"Oh, um, right," the first one said. "We have no wills. Use us, demon lord!"
Kouga smiled. Mating among wolves meant a lot. It meant staying by your mate's side until death. Only one mate was allowed at a time. But meaningless sex was a-okay. "Ladies, ladies," he said, "there's more than enough Kouga to go around!"
Sesshoumaru threw a marble at him.
Something clicked in the back of Koharu's brain. All the wives were here. Which meant... open season on husbands! She skipped out hopefully.
Sesshoumaru walked over to Kouga, wading through the village women. "You are married," he said softly.
"I know," Kouga said, "and so are they. Funny though, this has never happened to me before."
"I think your minions scared them off"
"Ginta and Hakkaku are handsome!" Kouga said defiantly.
Sesshoumaru peered close at Kouga. "Your eyes, are they defective?"
Kouga smiled nervously. "Of course not! I can see just fine!"
"How many fingers am I holding up on my left hand?" Sesshoumaru asked, holding three fingers up on his right hand. He had to hold it up pretty high, too, since all they could see of each other in the swarm was each other's heads.
"Three!" Kouga said triumphantly.
"Kouga, I don't have a left hand. It was a trick question."
"That's not an eyesight test, that's a—oh, for heaven's sake, Fluffy, can we just eat these women?" Kouga said as the throng became more insistent.
"No, we really shouldn't," Sesshoumaru said, only slightly regretfully.
A woman blindly groped Sesshoumaru. "Oh, this is a man too! I want him!" The girls all turned in interest.
"On second thoughts, this Sesshoumaru feels peckish," Sesshoumaru said, glaring.
"Oh, enough of this," Yura said. She pulled a whip off the wall, and cracked it over the crowd. The women retreated, and in their absence, Yura could see that the men had been stripped. Kouga wore only his foot coverings and his headband, Sesshoumaru still wore his hakuma, affixed by the belligerent sash.
Yura walked over to Sesshoumaru, and gave the knot a few strategic yanks, releasing it. His hakuma fell around his ankles. Yura surveyed the situation. "Curls," she said, grinning. "I like curls the best. And I expect payment for my services."
Sesshoumaru and Kouga both swallowed.
"I can provide replacement clothes for you as well. Do you like leather?" Yura asked brightly.
(Now to the A.N.)
(Hope you enjoyed this chapter.)
(And the Space Haikus.)
A/N- This took a long time not because I don't care about it, but because I do care about it. I wanted to post something actually worth reading.
The next chapter is likely to be the last.
As some of you know, I was taking requests. The pairings shall be:
Kouga/Inuyasha and/or Kouga/Miroku.
More info in my bio, I don't want to waste space here. Thank you, everyone!
The small print: I reserve the right to weasel out of it, or break my own rules, or break your legs if it's too hard for me. All agreements are null and void if I drop dead, or find someone to have lots of sex with, which you have to admit, is a lot more fun than writing. But then, if I was getting any, would I write this incredibly frustrated lil fic?
I'll leave you with that bit of TMI, and be on my way.