Odi et Amo
Rating: R (slash-aka boy/boy sex- in future chapters, you've been warned: don't like, don't read!)
Disclaimers: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, etc etc…
Author's notes: this fic was meant to be a one-shot, but since it's a bit long I've decided to divide it into 4 chapters. English is not my first language, sorry for all the faults I've made. I've also translated Catullus's poem and I hope I haven't made to many mistakes. I hope you'll like this fanfic. Reviews are really appreciated!!!!
Chapter One: Odi
"Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior."
"I hate and love. You may wonder how it is possible.
I don't know, but I feel it happening and it hurts."
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"Fuck off, fag!"
The harsh words hit me but they can't hurt me anymore. I've heard them so many times now, that I'm almost accustomed to them. I've become numb.
I look at him with a smirk on my lips.
"I'll try to remember your kind words next time I'll have to save your arse from a Death Eater, Justin."
He goes away muttering something incomprehensible.
He was right, though. I'm a fag. "The Faggot Boy" is my new nickname. They created it last year, after I had defeated Voldemort, when all the Wizarding World discovered I am gay. I kissed my best friend Ron when I found out he hadn't died in the Great War. I was so happy he was alive (at that time I had a big crush on him) that I didn't bother checking if someone was watching us. Unfortunately, a journalist was there. He took a couple of pictures; very beautiful photos in my opinion, but the other wizards didn't agree with me.
I didn't know that homosexuality was considered such a shameful thing in the Wizarding World. I realized it after the Daily Prophet published the photos.
A part of me is happy because now they don't bother me with their silly flattery anymore. Nobody wants my autograph, nobody wants to shake hands with me (they fear I could "infect" them), nobody wants to see me.
I hate them. They're so disgusting. I loathe them. They think they are right and I am wrong just because I don't like girls. They are so stupid. They can't understand they are the sick ones. They can't understand me and how I feel. They don't even try because they are afraid of discovering they might feel the same.
My fellow Gryffindors don't cherish me anymore. I've lost everything I had just because everyone has found out I like boys. Isn't that absurd? They don't think so…
Ron and Hermione are still my best (and only) friends. Hermione is too intelligent to believe in the crap the wizards think about homosexuality and Ron…well, after declaring that I have kissed him against his will and that he is in love with Hermione, he could forgive me and now we're trying to sort it out. I hope we will, I still love him – but only as a friend.
Living like this is difficult. People keep on insulting me, even if Dumbledore has tried to prevent them from treating me too badly because they "should be tolerant and patient" since I "had a difficult life and faced a terrible battle".
I think he does that just to save face.
Hagrid has died to protect me during the battle. I miss him so much that sometimes I think my heart will stop beating. I can manage to forget it during the day, when I have to fight against all of them, but when I'm alone in my bed at night, I can't help but cry because he and Sirius have died to save me and I don't think I'm worth that. I miss them so much. I don't kill myself only because of them. I have to live because my parents, Sirius and Hagrid have died for me. I don't have the right to commit suicide.
And moreover, I would do a favor to all those homophobic wizards, if I killed myself.
I would never do that.
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"You should go out once in a while, Harry. We are in our seventh year and everybody is dating someone. I'm sure you're not the only gay in Hogwarts, there must be someone else! 10% of men are homosexual! All you have to do is go out and find them."
"Thank you, Hermione, it's very nice of you to say that, but even if there were gay boys here, do you think they would go out with me?"
"Why not? You're nice, you're cute and you've saved the world!"
"Yes, but everyone knows I'm gay. All the boys avoid me because they don't want to be classified as "poofs" and, honestly, who could blame them?"
Hermine looks at me with sad eyes.
"You shouldn't be, 'Mione, it's not your fault. Go to Hogsmeade with Ron and don't worry, I'll be fine on my own."
She's so sweet to me. At least I have a good friend. Thanks God. If only she weren't the only one…
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Since I'm all alone on a winter Saturday afternoon, I decide to go for a stroll. The ground is completely covered with snow and there is nobody around. Perfect. I take my coat on, put my scarf around my neck and wear my woollen gloves. I think I look like an idiot but at least I'm warm.
The air is chilly and I can feel my nose and ears freezing, but I keep on walking because I like it. It makes me feel alive.
The sky is white and it's snowing again. Everything's so silent now. I sit down on a bench near the lake to watch the snow falling on the frozen surface of the water. It's all so quiet and still. I can feel the shivers along my spine. I'm covered with snow.
I close my eyes and sigh. It would be so beautiful and peaceful to stay like this forever. All I have to do is fall asleep and I won't hear their voices anymore.
It would be so wonderful…
"Do you want to die, Potter?". I open my eyes and turn towards the voice. He's staring at me with those misty grey eyes.
"You could have asked me to kill you, I would have done it with pleasure."
"I don't doubt it, Malfoy…"
After I sent both his parent to Azkaban, he has tried to hurt me a couple of times, but I think he has changed his mind now. He's all alone. He hasn't been sent to prison because they couldn't prove he supported Voldemort but everybody knows the truth and treats him badly even if he seems to have understood that all he believed in was a lot of bullshit. He's not the arrogant git he used to be. At least not with the other people.
I am the only one with whom he behaves as usual. He still teases and provokes me but, unlike all the others, he doesn't make fun of me because I'm gay. He doesn't consider this aspect. Time seems to have stopped when we are together. He is the only one who hasn't changed his attitude towards me and I'm the only one who doesn't blame him for what he used to be. I know he has changed. I can feel it when I look at him, when I talk to him, when he stares at me in silence with those sad grey eyes. As if he were pleading me to do something. But I can't understand what he wants.
How can we become friends after what has happened? I used to hate him so much. I can't forget everything he's done and said just because now he's as broken as I am. He deserves that.
"I knew I would have found you here. You like walking and you like silence. And the snow is so beautiful."
And you are so bloody cute when you look at me like that…
"You were looking for me, why?"
He keeps silent and sits next to me on the bench.
I can feel my skin burning and my heart pounding madly in my chest.
Why am I so nervous? He's Malfoy. I hate him, right? I can't feel so anxious only because he's sitting so close to me.
I should hate him…
"I wanted to see you. I don't know why but I need to talk to you…you're the only one who listens to me. I know you don't like me and I can't blame you if you don't want to see me, but…"
He seems on the verge of tears and I feel like crying too.
"It…it doesn't matter, Malfoy…you can talk to me if you want to…"
I don't know why I've said that. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being lonely all the time. I need someone to talk to and even if he is Malfoy, he seems to be the only one who can truly understand how it feels like to be treated like a monster just because you're "different".
I haven't chosen to be gay. It's not my "fault". I don't feel wrong because of this.
He hasn't chosen to be a Malfoy. He has changed and has decided to become a better person but nobody gives him the possibility to do so. He's as unlucky as I am.
I know how he feels.
"Thanks, Harry", he smiles at me.
It's the fist time I see him smile. He's so handsome and he becomes so sweet and cute when he smiles…
"What about having a hot chocolate in my room?"
"Ok...I like chocolate…do you have your own room?"
"Yes, I do. Dumbledore has given me a small room in the dungeons because the other Slytherins have tried to kill me when I said I thought that You-Know-Who was just an idiot…"
"You really said that?"
"Oh…ok, maybe…maybe we should go and drink that chocolate, I'm freezing, you know…"
"Yeah, I'm freezing too, let's go!"
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Malfoy's room is very small but clean and cozy. The walls are light green and there are a couple of paintings of French Impressionists.
I didn't know he loved Muggle Art.
The bed is quite big and looks really soft and warm. There is a bookcase full of books of different sizes and colours next to the writing desk.
I didn't know he liked reading.
I don't know much about him.
He's become a silent person. He is as gorgeous as usual , but all the problems he's facing seem to have made him more mature and his gestures and his eyes reflect the changes he's experiencing.
His hair is a bit longer than it used to be and it seems as soft as silk. I'd like to touch it. I'd like to touch him. He has a very slim body, milky-white skin and a fragile appearance.
I'd like to hug him and hold him for hours.
My body is fighting against my brain.
My head is screaming: "you hate him! How can you desire him? You're just a silly teenager facing a hormonal storm! Get a grip! Take a cold shower!"
"I'm sorry but I don't have a table, we'll have to sit on the bed…"
"Oh, it doesn't matter…"
Sit on the bed. His bed. I hope I won't jump him…
He conjures two cups with hot chocolate, gives me one and then sits next to me on the bed. We start drinking quietly. I can't help but stare at him. The tips of his fingers are becoming red in contact with the hot cup. I wonder what it would be like to kiss and lick all his fingers. One by one, slowly, oh so slowly that he would go crazy and then-
"Ehm, you must be wondering why I've asked you to come here."
Well, I was actually thinking about something else…
"You know, Harry, oh, do you mind if I call you Harry?"
"No, no problem."
My name sounds so strange in his mouth.
"You can call me Draco"
His name sounds so sexy in my mouth.
"Well, Harry, I don't know how to start…I…I wanted to talk about death…"
"Yes…last week I…I…"
"I tried to kill myself…"
"Yes, but I couldn't manage to…to do it…", he's panicking.
"Malf-Draco, calm down, just breath slowly and then start again. There's no need to be anxious, it's ok, you know, I can understand you."
He looks at me with a puzzled expression on his face.
"Have you…have you tried to kill yourself, Harry?"
"I've thought about it a billion times but I can't do that. So many people have died to save my life and now I think I owe them too much to waste everything just because the Wizarding World thinks I'm a fucking fag."
He stares at his shoes with a sorrowful expression. He's trying not to cry.
"You're lucky, you know? Even if your life's a mess and everybody bothers you only because you're gay, you still have your friends and you have a reason for living. Someone has died for you. That means they loved you very much…"
"I'm sure your parents would have died to save you as well"
He looks at me and I can feel so much pain in his eyes that I'm almost choking.
"My father has tried to kill me"
A tear falls on his cheek and he wipes it away, ashamed.
"You know I've always been an aristocratic arrogant brat and I used to believe in all that crap about pure blood and Dark Arts, but I was brought up by two Death Eaters and I've never even taken into consideration the possibility that all they had taught me was something stupid and nonsense. I've never had a doubt because that was my world and they were my parents. My own blood. Pure blood. And then I met you…"
"You were so different from the Harry Potter I had always imagined but you were somehow attractive even if you were a clumsy frightened kid"
"But you didn't want to become my friend and now I can't blame you, but at the time I was so furious…I started bothering you, making fun of you and your friends, annoying you because I wanted to take my revenge…I hated you so much…"
He hated me…
"But then last year I realized something was wrong…I was so obsessed by you. I was always thinking about you, trying to find a way to draw your attention…it wasn't normal…It wasn't hate anymore, it was something more complicated than simple hate..."
He stops talking and starts blushing as he stares at his shoes again. He kicks them off and puts his feet on the bed; he leans his head on his knees and sighs.
"I…I realized I was in love with you…"
My heart stops beating. I stop breathing and my mouth hangs open.
Have I heard correctly?!?!
He was in love with me?!?!
"I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was the right thing to do. You were my enemy, I was the son of two death Eaters and I was supposed to become one sooner or later. I was supposed to kill you. But how could I? I loved you.."
He loved me…
"I couldn't talk to anybody. The War had already begun and I had chosen the worst moment to find out I was in love with my enemy."
"I decided to confess my feelings to Blaise Zabini. We were good friends and I trusted him. I shouldn't have. He told everything to my father…."
He makes a grimace and starts playing with a lock of his blond hair.
"He said I was a disgusting monster…a filthy little pervert…a fucking fag, a faggot, a bumboy, a queer, a poof, a poofter, a queen…I wasn't a human being and I wasn't his son…and then…" his voice is broken and he's sobbing quite loudly.
"Then he cast the cruciatus curse on me…on his son…on me"
He hides his face between his knees and cries like a baby; I can see his shoulders shake violently and I can't prevent myself from touching him.
He jumps surprised by the fact that I've touched him and he looks at me with wide eyes. He doesn't think I'm disgusting just because I'm gay, does he? He said he was in love with me…he's like me…but, hang on, does he still love me?
He said he loved me, what about now?
"Everything happened during our Christmas holidays. I was lucky, you know, because he found out I was a "monster" the last day of the holidays and therefore he had to send me back to school the following day. We still had a reputation…we were Malfoys…"
He pronounces his surname with a disgusted face, as if he were spitting poison.
"And then the War began, you and the Order kicked the Death Eaters' arses and killed You-Know-Who. I was left alone. My mother was sent to Azkaban and I couldn't accept that. I love her, she's still my mother even if she was a Death Eater. So I blamed you. I blamed you for making my life a nightmare. If I hadn't fallen in love with you, my father would have never tried to kill me, I would have managed to kill you and my mother wouldn't have been sent to prison. I blamed you for everything and I tried to hurt you. But then I understood it was not your fault. It was only mine and I was an idiot and a coward because I had blamed you. I tried to find a way to communicate to you, but the only way I knew was the usual one: teasing you. I thought you hated me too much to allow me to talk to you. So I kept on treating you in the old annoying way. I'm so sorry…"
He finishes his chocolate, looks at me and then says:
"However, Zabini died and my father went to prison, so nobody knows the truth about me."
"Now I do"
"Do you hate me for that?"
"How could I? You're just like me! You don't know how long I've been looking for someone who can understand how I feel, who feels the same…"
He stares at me with big sad grey eyes.
"I'm still in love with you, Harry…"
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